AIBU to do this?

[NipplyNamechanger]

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

That should be, I wouldn't personally run the risk of my children losing there mum.

To be honest I am shocked that you would consider the risk of dying. I am also wondering why you were not offered an elective c section to avoid another traumatic birth. Especially as a high risk pregnancy.

I had severely disabling pregnancies and spent six weeks in hospital prior to my youngest birth. I was told if I had any more children I would be wheelchair bound for life. My husband booked a vasectomy and was operated on when our daughter was only eight weeks old. We have two beautiful children, we are blessed and happy.

You have been blessed with three beautiful children and you have a baby in your arms. Enjoy your baby and recover from your traumatic birth. Please concentrate on the children that you have, they love and need you more that they need another sibling xxx I understand the sadness (as one of three I always wanted three babies but two has been perfect for us), but it is truly too big a risk to take.

I have a very dear friend whose mother was told not to have children because of a health problem. she had him and (just) got away with it. Then she had another baby and both her and the baby died during the labour/delivery. She knew the risks but desperately wanted a second child.
Her son is still badly affected by her death, some 50 years later. He was 3 when it happened. Don't do that to your children.

Is the risk manageable by an earlyish elective Caesarian?

Yes of course you're being unreasonable. Why would you think your desire for another child would outweigh the trauma to your existing family of playing Russian Roulette?

I had two PPH (after birth of 2 DC) and was told that they were completely unrelated just a weird co-incidence, which I have never believed. I know that I would never go through that again. You must know too, deep down that the risk is insane. During my second PPH I was given the wrong blood - some other woman was having a PPH at the same time, (and she was given mine and mine to her) and it was just lucky that although the blood we was not matched, we were at least in the same blood group, or we would have died. I am not sure why you were put in a coma though.

I will try to be gentle here as you're in the early days with a new baby (congratulations btw)

Wanting desperately to have a baby: understandable.

Wanting very much to give your first child a sibling: also understandable.

Wanting to keep having babies after that: understandable, but increasingly likely to be considered as a selfish act by society in general (and sometimes by your own kids - I've got friends who thought less of their own parents for having more kids than they could logistically cope with).

Wanting to keep having babies even though you have a dicey medical history and could leave them all without a mother and your DH as a single parent: No. Just no.

I understand your feelings about not wanting your current one to be the last one, but (in the nicest way possible) you need to get over that. Everyone else does (me included). You need to just focus on the family you have now, not some idealised imaginary family that you could have. Of all the future families you could have, the one with you, DH and several kids sits side by side with the one where it's just your DH and the kids - without you.

I don't think you want that for them, so you need to stop.

You are being desperately selfish to consider having another child when it could kill you. Leaving your other DC without a mother.

How ridiculous and selfish you are. Just because you are 1in4 doesn't mean you need 4 . If you really did love the. Holden you have you woul take permanent measures to ensure you did not get pregnant again. Is a squishy newborn worth more than the children you already have ?

I think you're being incredibly selfish. I grew up without my mother and at 41 am still coming to terms with the effect it has had on me and my children to a lesser extent. It's fucking hard, every step of the way from being the poor girl in the class with no mum to the one going through puberty without a female to help me through it. I had a hard time in my late teens with self esteem which led to an eating disorder and MH issues which I believe are direct consequences of having no mother. I still feel it now.

Please think really really hard about how your existing children would cope without you. They may even resent the child that was responsible in a way for the death of their mother which would be an awful situation for a child to grow up in.

I think some posters need to remember the OP has not long given birth, has admitted it has all knocked her for 6 and has thrown up lots of emotions re the future family she had in her head, the reality, and her mum dying after dc1 was born. Be kind. It really doesn't cost much to show some empathy.

I had to stop at one for serious health reasons. I desperately wanted more. Dd would have been the most wonderful elder sister. She still asks if she can have a sibling even though she knows she can't. I put her well being first and that means no more children. So yes, you really need to stop having children and use some form of contraception because the next could be a rather terminal stop to contraception in the form of your death and your DH will be left trying to cope with a newborn and 3 siblings let alone the trauma they will go through. If I were well enough, I would adopt - not that I am suggesting you should. You have three blessings. I have one. I could say more but I will end up being very upset.

I can understand wanting to have more children - but given that obstetric history, I would personally consider it too risky to have another baby.

Just want to say, I know this is the internet and it is easy to feel that the people on here aren't real, just words on a page, but some of the comments are pretty bloody strong. Even for mumsnetters. I have no grasp of social niceties at all but I can recognise callousness when I see it. Perhaps people might want to think of the OP when they are posting?

It's not worth dying for, to have more kids when you already have three.

I had the same after DD. She was the second child. DH was distraught and very traumatised by the whole thing, one moment I'd been day talking to him about our beautiful little girl and the next I was unconscious with blood everywhere, alarms going and staff in a frenzy.
He said after he thought he'd lost me.

Recovery was terrible, whilst I should have been enjoying dd I was weak, listless and grey. It took months to feel normal again.

I would have liked a third, but after consideration it wasn't something I wanted to put him through again or myself actually. It was a major factor in him having the snip actually to ensure it couldn't happen.
I think yabu personally, but I can only base that on how I felt.

My aunty sadly lost her beautiful baby during childbirth but also died three times herself. Not long after my mum wanted another baby but after seeing that my Dad point blank refused! He went so far as to get the snip at 27!
Focus on the beautiful children you have now and be here, a wonderful mother to them.
Please don't risk your life again!

for you OP. Congratulations on your new addition.

If I had been advised not to have more because of PPH, I would stop. I couldn't do that to myself, DH, or other children. Are you able to talk to someone IRL about your feelings? It might be an idea to see if counselling would help.

In the meantime, try to focus on the family you have.

YABU, I've had a pph with both my children and because of that I'm not having any more. I think you need to be happy with what you have and stop pushing your luck.

I nearly died having ds (my second). If I had known it would have happened I wouldn't have had him. I adore him. I couldn't be without him now. He is the most amazing little boy and feel lucky to have him.

But I would not have put my life at risk and risk Dd being motherless and dh being a widower, to have him.

Dh had the snip and I am back on contraception (I have been recently diagnosed with PCOS). I am actually glad I am on contraception again as I was always scared dh would be the odd one that the snip heals itself. This way the chances of him healing and me having a contraception failure are minuscule.

Quite honestly, I do think it's it's selfish to put your life in danger because you feel the need to have another one. What makes you sure that just one more will be enough?

I don't think every child is a gift. I think they are person to whom parents have a responsibility. We have the responsibility to do what's best for them. I genuinely don't think, in your case, having another is what's best for the children you already have.

Remember OP, you can expand your family without being pregnant.

If you really want / can support etc another child then there are millions of children out there just waiting for a loving mummy and daddy.

I can't believe you're thinking about number 4 with a newborn though. I could barely manage to shower some days let alone think about doing it again

I wasn't thinking about number 4 until the comments. I'm sure they meant well, it just came as a bit of a shock that they felt that way. Makes me wonder how many others feel that way. It does have ripples across 2 very large families and DH definitely looks a lot older than he did 5 years ago.

The person that said it only has 1 child and is a SAHM. I only take a few months of maternity leave before I'm desperate to get back to work and rely heavily on the inlaws to accommodate that (both DH and I work full time in jobs that require frequent travel and overnight stays). Other person doesn't understand our lifestyle and I wondered whether that has coloured their view. From the vast majority of replies here I can see that isn't the case!

I was told there first PPH was a one off. I feel pregnant unexpectedly quickly with number 2 and they said it was extremely unlikely to happen again but would prepare for it. They didn't, and it happened again. I wasn't flagged as high risk for this pregnancy but they did at least have the transfusion ready even though they didn't believe I'd have a third PPH. The hospital is out of area, I don't know whether that makes a difference in terms of the standard of care. I've never been offered a Caesarian.

Life is a balance between being selfish and thinking of others. Too much either way will wear you out and have a really negative effect on you and your life.

I think a lot of the comments seem unfairly harsh especially as you said you'd never really though of your latest as your last. When I had my second, I kept thinking, "this is that last time I'll [insert terrible pregnancy side-effect here]." When DS2 arrived, I knew it was the last time.

Hopefully the posts have made you realise that on balance, putting your life at risk could have massive implications for the poeple you care most for.

Shouldn't you be a sleep deprived wreck right about now.

Congrats on number 3, btw

My husband had the snip to stop me from getting pregnant after the last birth nearly killed me!
We both wanted more but our children come first so that was that.
I can't believe you were so selfish to have had a third in all honesty.

If you and your DH rely heavily on the in laws to be able to have the careers you want then that's all the more reason not to have any more!