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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this?

206 replies

NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 09:44

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
whois · 04/05/2016 17:53

I think it would be selfish to have another child where you have such a high risk of PPH.

You have three healthy babies. Surely a happy family of the 5 of you would be preferable to an unhappy 5 without you by with an extra baby??

You have to balance risk and reward. I don't think the reward of a 4th baby is worth the risk of leaving them without a mother.

corythatwas · 04/05/2016 18:00

Another one from a family of 4 here and I can totally understand how you feel. But I stopped at two and health reasons were a very big part of that. It was the realisation of how very much my dc needed me, particularly the eldest one, and how hard it would be for anyone else to fill that space for her.

It did take a while before that feeling of something missing died down, but in the end I am very glad we made the decision we did.

The other thing to think about if ILs are doing a lot of the care is how they feel about it, and how they will feel about it when they get older.

yorkshapudding · 04/05/2016 18:13

you have to put your living children before any future children

I agree with this sentiment 100%. Your have a responsibility to the children you already have and to your DH (who would have to raise three children singlehandedly whilst coming to terms with the loss of his wife) not to take unnecessary risks with your health.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2016 18:25

YABU. Please get some counselling and some decent contraception. ASAP. Risking your health like this is a really dangerous, irrational and selfish thing to do when you have 3 healthy, living children and a loving husband already and are relying on your ILs for childcare.

Imagine, too, another woman bringing up your kids once your DH marries someone else if you die. Your kids living in a blended family if he has more children with her and/or she brings her kids from another relationship.

Lunar1 · 04/05/2016 18:28

You living children must come first, they need two parents and to deliberately take such a risk is selfish.

How long are the inlaws prepared do be so involved raising your children. A friend of mine relied very heavily on her mum for childcare. She got pregnant with her third without considering her mum. They have had a massive fall out because her mum does t want to care for another baby five days a week. It's a horrible situation.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 21:26

Thanks for the further comments.

The inlaws insisted that we didn't use paid for childcare when our first child arrived. However, 3 more grandchildren arrived within the next 2 years (including our second) and they realised after about a year that they couldn't offer the same for everyone. Over time they've practically moved in with us for long periods and then routinely for half the week (they live about 30 miles away) and I know their other children have become resentful about how much help they give us (they do our shopping, washing, ironing etc but haven't been able to visit one of their other grandchildren for about 2.5 years. I do feel a bit guilty about it but we have a nice lifestyle with lots of holidays and we do pay for the in laws to come with us most of the time. And our children adore them.).

I'm taking the general consensus on board and certainly won't plan to have any more children. I'll be sitting down with DH at the weekend and getting his thoughts too.

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 04/05/2016 22:25

I think you next conversation with your dh needs to be about the two of you sorting out care for your children so your parents can have a break and see their other grandchildren.

Can you take longer mat leave this time just to give you a chance to slow down and look at the bigger picture. You sound like you are ploughing through the things you think you are meant to do in life without taking time to enjoy any of it.

curren · 04/05/2016 22:26

Your in laws haven't seen some of their grandchildren for 2.5 years because they do so much for you? Really?

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 22:32

One child and their family live away. They come here to visit all of us. The inlaws haven't managed to go to visit them for 2.5 years. (I realise that is horrible, but it's not always been because of us. They have 7 grandchildren in total and don't say no when anyone asks them to have the children for the weekend or whatever. So they've spent most of the last 5 years looking after 5 grandchildren and haven't had a weekend to be able to visit the other one.)

OP posts:
Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 22:33

I'm sorry if my posts are rambly or don't make sense. I'm exhausted!

OP posts:
Creampastry · 04/05/2016 22:37

You're feeling "knocked for six"?! I bet your kids would be if you had dc4 and died.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/05/2016 22:42

How can you not see that to have another child, given your history of pph, would be wildly selfish?

WeeHelena · 04/05/2016 22:48

Each child may be a gift but you only get 1 mother, if a health professional has told you that it is a risk then heed their advice Imo.

My life would have been different if my own father had listened to Dr and hadn't inadvertently killed himself when I was a young child.

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 22:56

I haven't said I want another child. I just hadn't consciously realised my newborn might be my last until the conversation I had earlier.

OP posts:
Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 22:56

No health professional has voiced any concerns, by the way.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/05/2016 23:08

How long have you taken off after the birth of each of your DC?

Plan on this being your last for now and treasure these years with all your DC, the pre-school years flash by. Realistically your in-laws are getting older and may find 3 DC harder work but feel to guilty to say no.

Perhaps working part-time/changing roles for a while would help you come to terms with the fact that #3 will likely be your last?

SquinkiesRule · 04/05/2016 23:09

Send the inlaws off to see the other grandchildren and be happy you have 3 to raise. Hire a day nanny/mothers helper/book places in the local nursery if needed for a while and give the inlaws a break.

MyNewBearTotoro · 04/05/2016 23:12

I don't think it's selfish to want another baby. I don't think it's selfish to wonder about a fourth child or imagine another baby in your family.

We can't help what we want. I understand the feeling that your family isn't complete, I have two DC (6 weeks pregnant with DC3) and I have never felt that DC2 should be the last. I come from a big family and 4+ children would feel usual for me. I love both of my DC but would be upset if for some reason it became apparent that actually I won't have any more.

That said sometimes it doesn't matter how you feel, what you want or desire. Sometimes you have to go against it. It's not selfish to want another baby but it would be so selfish to go ahead and do it. The risk is too high and leaving 4 children without a mother a devastating outcome. It sounds like you have been 'lucky' to survive difficult births 3 times but that's not to say you would survive the next one or that it wouldn't be more complicated.

I think it's fine to hold a 'what if' regarding a fourth child in your mind, but knowing unfortunately it probably can't happen. At some point you will need to address that and come to terms with it, it might be that over time that's easy for you and you stop thinking about baby number 4 or it may be more difficult in which case perhaps counselling would be helpful or you might choose to look at other options such as adoption.

Right now though I understand it must be a lot to take in, the realisation that you survived a health emergency 3 times and that it is probably not safe for you to risk that again. I think you are being made to feel guilty by some posters for perfectly natural feelings - the desire to have another, the assumption it will be okay - but regardless of how normal the feelings are I think to act on them would be selfish and unfair on your family and you need to take steps to come to terms with your feelings and make sure no matter how big they are you don't minimise the health risks of having another baby and end up trying for baby number 4. THAT would be horribly selfish.

bakeoffcake · 04/05/2016 23:13

I can't believe you've had 4 DC and rely so much on PIL, you say you feel guilty but not so guilty that you stop having more DC.

bakeoffcake · 04/05/2016 23:14

Sorry, 3 DC.

MargotLovedTom · 04/05/2016 23:15

Your in laws must be knackered; sounds like they hardly get any time to themselves!

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 04/05/2016 23:27

You could die with another pregnancy AND you rely on your in laws to do your shopping, washing and ironing?
And it never occurred to you that THREE might be your limit? Come off it. I have four, but I have four without any help from anyone. Doesn't sound like you could manage what you have already without the epic help, let alone the potentially fatal next birth!

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 23:46

I took 6 months off with the first, 4 months off with the second and expect to be back at work by the time this one is 6 months at the latest. (I work for a charity and they struggle without me.)

OP posts:
curren · 05/05/2016 06:41

They have 7 grandchildren in total and don't say no when anyone asks them to have the children for the weekend or whatever. So they've spent most of the last 5 years looking after 5 grandchildren and haven't had a weekend to be able to visit the other one.)

If you know they can't say no, maybe you, dh and the parents of the other 2 should stop asking.

I can't believe you would consider anymore at all. Given your health and the fact that you rely on your in laws so much.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 06:51

Give your in laws a break.

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