Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do this?

206 replies

NipplyNamechanger · 04/05/2016 09:44

I have 3 DC. Each birth has been followed by massive PPHs and I've been put into an induced coma for 24-48 hours afterwards. It's hugely stressful for my husband to see me that way.

First baby was an IVF baby after 4 heartbreaking attempts. Haven't used any contraception since as didn't believe I could get pregnant naturally (but evidently I can). I'd happily have 100 babies.

Someone has said that I/we are being extremely selfish to keep having babies when I could potentially have a fatal bleed afterwards (as I did with my first) and leave the children motherless. We aren't close to the hospital and only just got there in time for number 3. I don't think about the risks because I think each child is a gift.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 05/05/2016 15:04

They have seen the other grandchild when she's been brought up here (for a weekend 3-4 times a year).

Wow. Just wow.

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it? I

Possibly yes.

Roussette · 05/05/2016 15:05

Jewry I'm quite calm if that comment is aimed at me! I wasn't the one to tell you to calm down!

I professed an opinion which you obviously liked Grin -

OrangesandLemonsNow · 05/05/2016 15:09

I suspect there's quite a bit of jealousy on here from people whose own PILS wouldn't dream of getting so involved in their children's upbringing.

Grin absolutely no jealously. We are very close to inlaws thank you.

stay in your son's big posh house (I imagine)

You imagined wrong there.

wannabestressfree · 05/05/2016 15:11

Your taking the piss and you know it. You aren't even parenting the kids you have got so why have anymore. And you think after working all.week you would want quality time with your children not buggering off for the weekend.... I Don't do that and mine are teens.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 15:12

And blimey imagine having another couple your pil at that squashed in there as housekeepers Confused

Grim

'They begged us not to use a nursery' somehow Op I doubt they had to beg you that much.

Back to the original Op

Yes Yabu

Xmasbaby11 · 05/05/2016 15:13

I don't understand why you'd want more kids when you don'thave time for the ones you have.nothing about this makes sense!

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 05/05/2016 15:14

And where would you put a fourth child in your little house that already has 3 kids and 4 adults living there?

getyourfingeroutyournose · 05/05/2016 15:16

Nipply I haven't read through all the comments so not sure if anyone has got you thinking about this but there are kids/babies who need homes where their own parents cannot keep them. I wonder if the risk of you giving birth again combined with you wanting another child would possibly end up in you doing something wonderful for a little one who needs a family like yours? Your Pils sound wonderful that they are helping so much.
I know how you feel in that with DS (only child) I had a huge bleed and was told if were to choose to have another I'd be high risk. They didn't say I am not allowed to have another but I don't think they can say that. It has made me wonder if I could adopt instead. I couldn't go the rest of my life with just one child though. The only thing I know I do want is children.

BarbarianMum · 05/05/2016 15:23

I don't think it would have been fair for them to reduce the time they spent with our children just because other grandchildren arrived, would it?

Of course not, first come, first served is how families work right? I personally only look after ds2 when ds1 is asleep and ds1 when dh doesn't need anything - after all, he was there first! Hmm

Original poster
NipplyNamechanger · 05/05/2016 15:42

A few years back a friend (who had 3 under 4) was complaining that her mother spent no time with her children but regularly had her older grandchild for sleepovers, weekends away, holidays etc. The mother told her that it wasn't the older grandchild's fault that she wasn't the only one now and it wouldn't be fair to deprive her of what she'd got used to. I was thinking g that was normal. Blush

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 05/05/2016 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrivatePike · 05/05/2016 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoolforKittyCats · 05/05/2016 15:47

A few years back a friend (who had 3 under 4) was complaining that her mother spent no time with her children but regularly had her older grandchild for sleepovers, weekends away, holidays etc. The mother told her that it wasn't the older grandchild's fault that she wasn't the only one now and it wouldn't be fair to deprive her of what she'd got used to. I was thinking g that was normal.

Hmm

I don't know anyone that would see that as 'normal'

MrsJoeyMaynard · 05/05/2016 15:48

OP, I know you say you don't ask your in-laws to do so much.

But have you or your DH had a frank conversation with them about what, and how much, they do want to do?

Maybe they're fine with the current arrangement. Maybe they'd prefer a lower level of commitment for whatever reason but don't like to bring the subject up for fear of causing upset.

You just don't know unless you have that conversation.

We were in a childcare arrangement with my parents for a while. All seemed fine, no complaints or hints of discontent from them. But when I asked them to think about whether they wanted the arrangement to continue as it was, that I could find alternative childcare if it was getting too much, they were very quick to confess that the regular commitment was getting too much (and too tiring) for them, that they didn't want to do more than occasional emergency childcare, and that they'd not mentioned it because they didn't want to let us down.

So anyway, I just wouldn't assume they're 100% okay with the status quo just because they haven't said anything.

Euripidesralph · 05/05/2016 15:48

OP I hope you do take a step back to consider how much you are taking for granted

I get some of your history .... I nearly died with DS2 and had complications with ds1 ....so my pregnancies got worse ....Both ds2 and I only survived thanks to a quick thinking midwife so personally we made the decision that t would be unfair o have any more due to the likelihood I wouldn't make it through and leave them without a mother.....so I understand why people may feel the same about you but at the end of the day it is your decision

You do rather justify relying on the in laws due to your own lack of family for help.... well do you know what I have a five month old and a three year old and I have zero family childcare help (I mean literally not for a night not for an hour) because in laws are unsafe and my family are ill ageing and live far away ....and ypu know what that's fine....I chose to have my children so I do not rely on others for free to care for them (family wise)....DH works 18 hours a day still does not mean we are entitled to childcare form family members

You may feel ganged up on but firstly if you really feel your in the right why do you care? And secondly the reality is whilst your choices are your own you ASKED for opinions so don't whinge when you are given them

PrivatePike · 05/05/2016 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJoeyMaynard · 05/05/2016 15:53

Pike Grin

I know, I know, hardly setting a good example for the OP, am I!

NeedACleverNN · 05/05/2016 15:59

The mother told her that it wasn't the older grandchild's fault that she wasn't the only one now and it wouldn't be fair to deprive her of what she'd got used to. I was thinking g that was normal.

Actually on this I can understand how you think it's normal.
My mum does it with my neice.
Means my two dc barely know their nan and are very wary about my dad (their grandad) because neither of them make the effort. They also have a 3 year old themselves (surprise pregnancy). This means their son comes first most of the time but dniece is still favourtised. Their excuse? Well she was here first and has this routine. Your two know no different. It makes me cross.

It doesn't help that my dad goes round telling everyone my dd doesn't like him though Hmm. She's 3. She doesn't know him. Big difference

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 05/05/2016 16:15

Getyourfinger I'm positive you are well intentioned, but the last thing a child in care would need is this chaotic set up!

curren · 05/05/2016 16:18

A few years back a friend (who had 3 under 4) was complaining that her mother spent no time with her children but regularly had her older grandchild for sleepovers, weekends away, holidays etc. The mother told her that it wasn't the older grandchild's fault that she wasn't the only one now and it wouldn't be fair to deprive her of what she'd got used to. I was thinking g that was normal.

so you saw it made your friend unhappy and continued to do what you are doing?

Roussette · 05/05/2016 16:32

How can you honestly think that is normal?

It isn't normal to only have a relationship with some of your GC and no relationship to speak of with others because one family has first dibs as they got in with childcare arrangements first! That's just laughable to think that is normal.

Lunar1 · 05/05/2016 17:38

Do you ever actually ask the inlaws how they feel about the situation?

January87 · 05/05/2016 17:41

Flipping heck OP, stop digging a bigger hole for yourself.

Your PILs sound lovely and well intentioned but it does seem like you are taking the piss big time with them. I think you need to take a BIG step backwards and think about what way you're living your life.

Only1scoop · 05/05/2016 17:44

I reckon this is a load of baloney....

Unless Op has difficulties which make her lack empathy etc. Oh and obviously her dh also.

These little stories about 'friends' as well....

Hhhmmm

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/05/2016 18:13

A few years back a friend (who had 3 under 4) was complaining that her mother spent no time with her children but regularly had her older grandchild for sleepovers, weekends away, holidays etc. The mother told her that it wasn't the older grandchild's fault that she wasn't the only one now and it wouldn't be fair to deprive her of what she'd got used to. I was thinking g that was normal. Blush

Why would you share this story (complete with Blush face - indicating you realise full well you're in the wrong) when you're already upset with the way people are reacting to you? Confused

Odd.