We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

[MrSnow]

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

I would carry on until he is 18and explain as you made payments in childhood you won't continue at that level once he has finished college. CSA is a legal minimum, it's good you have your child a good childhood.

I don't think YWBU to speak to the mother and explain your situation.
You don't have access but you are still paying over the odds and good for you.
Even £150 less would be over what CSA say.
I think you have every right to reduce your payments.
Does your Ex have a partner who lives with them?

Well I don't think you are being unreasonable.

You can only ask. It would still be above the minimum

Why no contact?

Yes, that's right. I don't trust the mother of my child at all and if I ask her whether she can afford a deduction of £150.00pm I know she's going to say "no she can't". But if I'm paying her what she's legally entitled to plus extra, should I be bothered?

Well from what you have posted it doesn't sound like she is struggling for money

You're being reasonable. You'd still be paying over what the CSA says is minimum.

What can she do? If you pay the legal minimum there isn't much she can. And I say that as someone who has been chasing CSA and exH for seven years to pay the bare minimum.

I think if you are genuinely struggling with that amount each month then ywnbu to discuss it with his mother. It's a shame you do not have more contact with your son as you seem to care a good deal about his welfare and happiness -is this his choice or yours?

I guess it's about how much you want to contribute for your son, not what your ex will think.

Why no contact BTW?

Yabu to have no contact with your DS. You finacial situation a side I think that's a disgrace in itself. What type of man would not want to nurture and be a father to his FIRST born son.

Sorry if I don't get the quoting thing right.
I don't think my Ex has a partner that lives with her.

The CSA figures are the MINIMUM requirements only.

Starburst that is very nasty and judgemental you have no idea why there is no contact my dh has had long periods of no contact or secret contact due to the ex's wishes never his.

Stardust, the answer to your question is that my "ex" is a certifiable, grade one, 5 star, headcase. If you would like me to go into her past activities here then I will.

Why do you not have access?
Tbh the CSA calculation is the bare minimum, I have a teen DS and know that school lunches and snacks, sport lessons, travel to games, tutor and pocket money come to £75+ most weeks. That's before housing, food, technology, clothes, trips, bikes etc over the year.

"my dh has had long periods of no contact or secret contact due to the ex's wishes never his."
That's what solicitors are for.

For the record, I went through several years of "yes, you can have access" "no, you can't have access" and then when access was finally arranged it would be whipped away at the last second.

"my "ex" is a certifiable, grade one, 5 star, headcase."

If that's the case you should have been more careful with your semen.

The best solicitor in the world can't wave a magic wand, SheHas.

As a resident parent of three, I'd say that is perfectly acceptable.
My exp only pays just over £150 a month for all three, because of the weekend contact he has(although he doesn't buy them anything and he feeds them the cheapest bare minimum and takes to his mums for tea when he can) so that amount for one child(almost adult) seems very fair.

"The best solicitor in the world can't wave a magic wand, SheHas."
Then that's what the courts are there for.

All I can say is that my children account for a huge amount more from my income than £150 per month. Children cost hugely more than that. You know that. I'd be embarrassed if that was the extent of my financial support for my children.