We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

[MrSnow]

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

How misogynistic to assume that the woman is the problem. Please accept that some men are simply too lazy and selfish to have a relationship with a child. It is not that unheard of form some men to only have interest in a relationship with a grown adult child. It is also not unknown for someone dysfunctional to transfer their own "stuff" onto another person for an easier life.

How misogynistic to assume that the woman is the problem. Please accept that some men are simply too lazy and selfish to have a relationship with a child.

How does that logic work when I also have a beautiful relationship with my youngest son?

If you're struggling and the other parent is comfortable I don't see why payments can't be reduced in line with CSA suggested amounts if no hardship will be suffered.

You have a beautiful relationship with the child who has a mother you approve of. The child who has a mother you don't approve of, is rejected.

Because, Mr Snow, your willingness to form a relationship with your children seems to hinge on whether you like their mothers.

How does that logic work when I also have a beautiful relationship with my youngest son?

That makes me want to weep for your eldest. Why didn't he get that too?

As I said before, this is such a sad situation. I hope you're able to reflect on it a bit more and accept where you also made poor choices.

You misunderstand me MrSnow. What I mean is if you do choose to reduce payments to £250 a month, you should be very aware that in doing so you're expecting your child's other parent to pick up the slack because you won't be paying your 50%.

CSA payments are not the minimum. They are set up to try to be fair to the parties involved putting the best interests of the child first.

Again, I find myself wanting to be rude to people on the internet, I'm better than that. I've also got to remind myself where I am. Nowt as strange as folk.

If I matched what my ex pays in Csa payments and that's all the kids could have they would literally starve. Imagine if mothers turned around and said I'm only goving my child 15% of my income too?

What I mean is if you do choose to reduce payments to £250 a month, you should be very aware that in doing so you're expecting your child's other parent to pick up the slack because you won't be paying your 50%

This is, you know, kind of why I'm here, asking for advice.

You are angry, I suspect as people in real life have kept comments like those you are reading to themselves. They will be thinking it of you, believe me!

Sometimes it is best to leave something's alone the courts can not resolve every child access case. They can say you have half and you have half. Some women just don't like men they will do anything in their power to stop that man seeing that child to punish him. How do you resolve a situation like that without damaging the child.

Pissssssedoff - if your income was that low, the state would support you. That's the case for couples that stay together too.

I don't under the CMS as a minimum logic. Nobody says that about their rent, council tax or income tax. The amount we pay in CMS is crippling for a number of reasons (not arrears). I dread to think what people think we should be paying.

That's true bumblebee - they can't resolve every case and some father walk away with nothing - but that's STILL no excuse for not even trying in the first place.

You are angry, I suspect as people in real life have kept comments like those you are reading to themselves. They will be thinking it of you, believe me!

However, on the flip side of that, I know what my friends and family have thought of the whole sequence of events over the last 16 years, and I can look them straight in the eyes. Only people who don't know the full facts act ignorantly, but that's not really their fault.

OP - welcome to the double standards of mumsnet

I am pissing myself at the accusation that you are being 'disableist' by describing your ex as a 'head case' (and I say this as someone who has MH issues myself before anyone gets their knickers in a twist).

Some of the replies on here are bordering on the hysterical which is a shame given that you came here looking for support.

Unfortunately for you, men in the past have been known to walk out on their children and so you are not going to get a calm and reasoned response.

I was old enough at 38 to hear my father's side of the story OP. The BS did not wash though. There is no excuse for not fighting to the ends of the earth to be part of your DC's life, to do your bit in raising them and make sure they are OK. Did having your 2nd 'amazing' son not make you realise what you had missed out on? Not motivate you to try that bit harder to see your firstborn?

My father also described my mother similarly to how you described your ex. He was right sadly but he thought it OK to leave me with her! My mentally abusive upbringing has affected every facet of my life.

Shame you OP. For the sake of this last 2 years until he's 18 and as you have been paying that amount all along, a measly £150 a month is nothing compared to what disadvantages you may have contributed to setting up for that poor boy for the rest of his life.

Strikes me as if you are more than ready to relinquish your responsibility to your him.

State support is neither here nor there it's the principal .... The resident parent spends a damn sight more than 15% of their income on the children or there would be intervention from outside agencies, fact

Fourormore you don't know the type of women I am talking about do you. Not everyone has their faculties in order.

This is, you know, kind of why I'm here, asking for advice.

Yes, and I'm giving it.

Similarly to another poster, if I matched my ex's financial contribution to my DD, she'd starve. Morally, you need to a) work out a realistic estimate of what 50% of the costs of raising your DS are (teenagers are extremely expensive) and b) only allow your contributions to dip below that figure if you'd struggle to put food on your own table by paying it.

Shame you OP

Do you mean shame on me? I am sorry for your story, I hope you're ok.

Itsmine by that logic you believe an NRP should only ever pay the legal minimum if the RP is capable of picking up the slack?!