We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

[MrSnow]

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

Well that's friendly and helpful pearlylum

certifiable headcase

It's not a very helpful thing to call the mother of your child.

She was good enough to make a baby with....

There are some people that will always slate the non resident parent, usually the man no matter what the situation. Stardust your post is nasty, judgmental and appalling. Why not ask regarding the reason for lack of contact instead of assuming the worst?

Backing Vocals:

Maybe it's my poor writing skills. But I want to offer to pay £250 instead of £400 which I currently pay, the CSA is only asking for £150.00

Ouriana,

That's good advice and I may just do that.

If she is not a reasonable person then I think it would be best if you just reduce the payments.
Give her 2 months notice and then reduce them.
You have your own life and if you need the money and will still be paying over the odds then that seems very fair to me. (this is from someone who got not a penny for 5 years, who's ExH went 'off the grid' and moved to another country) He's a twat but I never stopped contact.

I don't think any amount of money can make up for not bothering to go to court to get contact with your child. Your son's opinion of you must be pretty appalling so if you cut the maintenance, the only thing you've given him, then yes I'd expect his opinion of you would drop even further, regardless of what his "head case" mother thinks.

Before you reduce payments are you sure £250 is the minimum that you would still be required under CSA/CMS?

If you decide that your need is great enough to no longer find £400 per month I suggest you put it in writing that you will dropping your payments to £300.

She probably will ask CSA/CMS to review. I would look at the current CMS rules as they are different would he be entitled to more than £300 if your ex asked them to take over the case?

I don't think any amount of money can make up for not bothering to go to court to get contact with your child. Your son's opinion of you must be pretty appalling

It can't be great, but when he's old enough to understand and if he want's my side of the story, I'll give it to him.

X posts - you were assessed as only needing to pay £150 2 years ago? Okay £250 appropriate provided that is in line with what both CSA and CMS say.

I think it depends on what you mean by "However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash."

What's happening with contact? He's 16, so he can go pretty much where he pleases. Can you try and regain more contact, directly with him?

when he's old enough to understand

Surely he's old enough at 16?

Randommess,

Yes, I'm sure. I'm also under the old rules of the CSA and know them quite well by now.

my "ex" is a certifiable, grade one, 5 star, headcase

He's already old enough and I think it's quite telling that he's made no effort to contact you. You can blame the head case mother, and I don't doubt what you say, but you need to accept a large part of responsibility for not trying too. Very sad.

Lweji - I would disagree, at 16 they are not emotionally old to handle the emotional impact of hearing the other side of the story.

I wish my DD had waited until she was much much older to contact her bio Dad but she wouldn't listen and I've had to pick up the pieces and I suspect she has burned all bridges with him due to her immaturity

Thank you for the interesting and varied advice. It's a pity life isn't as simple and crystal clear as some of you think it is. Thanks again.

Court? Can you honestly say you've done enough to see your son? 16years of minimal caught is a disgrace on both sides

I really think not seeing him is the far bigger issue. If you make no effort to spend time with him he is growing up thinking you don't care about him.

Now that he is 16 can you arrange to see him without going through his mother?

Also, slightly under £100 a week may be more than the csa suggests, but it certainly isn't excessive IMO. It wouldn't go far when you think how much a teenager eats, how much it costs to provide them with a bedroom, clothes, phone credit, extracurricular activities, the odd trip to the cinema.. (I may have a 16yo)
So it may be more than you are legally required to pay, but morally?

The question isn't really what your ex can afford - for one thing, she has already picked up most of the costs and all of the effort of parenting your son, so it's very difficult to come to any objective agreement about what would be fair for her to suck up. But in any case, her finances aren't the issue, because you are not supporting her, you are supporting your son.

You said upfront that you'd decided to continue with the original amount "because it was only fair on our son". Is there a reason this is no longer the case - i.e. he deserves less than he did?

Your OP reads to me like on discovering you were paying more than you were legally obliged to you (subconsciously?) started thinking of the £250 difference as "yours". So although you decided to carry on paying it, it was there as a buffer zone for you if/when you had other financial priorities. Pretty much everyone has some times when they "could really do with" some extra money - that wasn't unforeseeable. The question is whether there's a reason that the extra your family now needs should come from your son. If there is, you haven't made it obvious in what you've posted so far.

If you do decide to cut your payments, I think the least you could do is give them a decent amount of notice - 6 months?

I really don't think children should be completely blanked from hearing different sides of stories.

Unless you meant slating their other parents.

It really doesn't make sense to me not to have contact with a teenager while waiting to tell a different story.
Surely, most of what you need to say is that while you understand the mother's point of view, you may have a different point of view and you have always loved the child and want to spend time with them.

I do have to wonder, though, because considering how DS and exH's contact has progressed over the years, he would probably blame it all on me but I can see why DS is now avoiding contact with him. Just saying.

Don't worry, off, I have fucked.

Splendid. That was easy

Also it's disgraceful to describe the mother of child as a head case she cared and raised that child for 16 years. There's no excuse for not trying to maintain contact there's solicitors, mediation, the courts. You could of easily got a court order during that time that she has to adheret to. You could of paid 150 Maintenon and paid the reminding 250 towards fighting to have a proper relationship with your son. Did you hair give up because you started another family with someone else. I don't think you've done enough for your DS its not all about the money but being their physically