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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

391 replies

MrSnow · 03/05/2016 12:14

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

OP posts:
Just5minswithDacre · 03/05/2016 14:29

The OPs posts show a lack of engagement and effort.

This

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 14:30

Bumblebee - it doesn't matter what type of woman it is. Look at Rebecca Minnock, for example - the father ended up with residence in that case. I know there are cases where the father walks away with no contact. I know that there are mothers that play a very clever game or just refuse to engage at all.

That's still no excuse for not fighting. I can't begin to imagine not seeing my child for 18+ years and then trying to explain away why I didn't even try! The courts are there for a reason - for this very reason.

ricketytickety · 03/05/2016 14:31

Do what your conscience tells you is right.

OP, you must understand there are 100s of women on mn where the absent father pays as little as possible and blames their 'crazy' ex for their lack of contact. It's typical bs that feckless parents spout so your comments are bound to raise heckles.

I have to assume, however, as you are here asking for advice that you are not one of those waste of spaces and actually a man who has had a child with a woman who is manipulative and uses her son to control. My advice is to pay what you think is right, which is probably a bit less than 400 but more than 150. 300 sounds fair to me. Also, please write your son a non-judgemental loving letter telling him you are sorry you were unable to see him every day but that you would love to see him much more often. My dd is going through abandonment issues right now and all she wants is for her dad to show her he cares and wants her. He never will and it is breaking her heart. You can still do that. You can still tell him you love him and are proud to be his dad.

TheUnsullied · 03/05/2016 14:31

I'd also question how much the OP really knows about his ex's financial situation...surely to know as much as he does, he'd need to be having significantly more contact with her than he does with his son? Odd, don't you think?

Pisssssedofff · 03/05/2016 14:31

The point is do you want your kids to have the minimum in life .... Really ?

DancingHippo · 03/05/2016 14:32

Yes shame on you. I doubt the type of person who could abandon their child with a 'headcase' would feel that though sadly.

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 14:33

You say the legal amount for you to pay is £150 why are you rankling for?

If you can't afford it then what can you do about it?

lubeybooby · 03/05/2016 14:33

OP I say reduce it but don't ask her, just give her 3 months notice of the reduction so she can plan and adjust accordingly. Then you can be certain you've been fair.

ElsieMc · 03/05/2016 14:33

The "new" CSA system came into being in 2003, thirteen years ago. There is no longer any choice about moving to the CMS system and if you approached the agency, you would be moved onto this and this accounts for your lower calculation.

The 1993 system was very complex but you still should not have been paying more than 30% in child support after protected income was taken into account.

A reason for payments of 40% of your income being made is set out below:

In some cases, this may mean that the non-resident parent
would not have enough money to live on or to support any
second family they have. To make sure they do have enough
money to live on, we aim to make sure that non-resident
parents do not have to pay more than 30% of their net
income in ongoing child maintenance. We do this by working
out a level of ‘protected income’ for non-resident parents. If
the non-resident parent has to clear debts from late or
missed payments, the total we ask them to pay may rise up
to 40% of their net income.

Just5minswithDacre · 03/05/2016 14:34

It is just such a misogynistic trope to insist that a female ex is a "head case"'but then suddenly become the soul of valiant discretion when an explanation seems warranted.

They are never ever too valiant or discreet to sling the lurid MH themed insults in the first place, strangely enough.

mouldycheesefan · 03/05/2016 14:35

Yes shame on for abandoning your son with someone who you say is a major headcase. What parent would do that?

SnottyHayfeverNose · 03/05/2016 14:36

The person you need to look in the eye is your oldest son. If he matters he will be your sole worry. If you worry about looking those around you in the eye, it means your reputation means more to you than your son or his wellbeing. Sad

ChiRup · 03/05/2016 14:36

This reply has been deleted

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bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 14:37

Fourormore your still don't get it don't you think women are dangerous as well it's not just the man. Sometimes you are just better off walking away.

unexpsoc · 03/05/2016 14:37

MrSnow

Nobody else on here knows the details - we have half the story from you (sorry, that is true).

We rely on the CSA to decide what is a fair amount (not a minimum amount) based on all of the circumstances. I believe part of that is ensuring that a second family isn't affected too harshly.

Whilst it is worth some fighting through court, every case is different.

Focus on being able to look the people who matter in the eye. You don't know the people on here. Stop trying to get advice from a deeply one-sided internet forum.

Good luck resolving this, and if it is possible, I hope you find some form of relationship with your son in the future.

Pisssssedofff · 03/05/2016 14:38

Oh whatever chirup, complete bullshit

bumblebee1234 · 03/05/2016 14:40

Unexpsoc we don't even have half the story.

Original poster
MrSnow · 03/05/2016 14:41

I'd also question how much the OP really knows about his ex's financial situation...surely to know as much as he does, he'd need to be having significantly more contact with her than he does with his son? Odd, don't you think?

I was in telephone contact with my son until late last year, he told me. A lot of people have assumed a heck of a lot here, spologies if I didn't think the nitty gritty was any of your business.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrSnow · 03/05/2016 14:42

Focus on being able to look the people who matter in the eye. You don't know the people on here. Stop trying to get advice from a deeply one-sided internet forum.

Thank you for the good advice.

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 03/05/2016 14:44

The reality of being a man is being forced to abandon your children? Funny I know of no men in that position. They are all actively engaged in their kids lives whether they are with the child's mother or not,

ChiRup · 03/05/2016 14:46

This reply has been deleted

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SnottyHayfeverNose · 03/05/2016 14:49

So the courts felt those men were a threat to the mother and child, fair enough then I believe you that the courts to stop some men from being fathers. They do so in those cases for the child's welfare. There is no other reason for a child and father to not have contact.

Somerville · 03/05/2016 14:52

You need to stop focussing on the money and start focussing on what you can do to build or rebuild a relationship with your son.

If ultimately proper contact is impossible at the moment (the only reason I can think of is that court has stopped contact or your son refuses to have any, but perhaps there is another) then the last thing you should do is lower the maintenance you pay. Since this way, you'll be able to tell your son, when he's older and interested in what you have to say, that at least you paid more than you need to pay, without a quibble, throughout his childhood.

I'd also, once your son is 17, get in touch with him directly to offer to talk about what you could do to help him through university. It's another opportunity to show that you love him, want the best for him and will always be there for him.

Original poster
MrSnow · 03/05/2016 14:53

There is no other reason for a child and father to not have contact.

May I suggest that you are being willfully naive about what actually goes on in real life. Plenty of women have used and will use men as sperm donators and couldn't give a future fig for the man's feelings. To deny this is simply ridiculous.

OP posts:
DancingHippo · 03/05/2016 14:54

So you quizzed the son, who you have had no hand in raising, on his mother's financial situation so you can reduce the little contribution you have in his life?

Never mind being able to look other people in the eye, I don't know how you can look in the mirror.