We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

[MrSnow]

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

You probably wouldn't notice it unless you were really involved, pissssedoff.

Like I say, there are indeed men, and women, who abandon their children for a variety of reasons and there are also very good parents who desperately want to be involved are gradually erased from their children's lives for no good reason at all.

my dh was a hands on Dad for fourteen years when they split up he didn't avoid anything and has paid over twenty five grand to solicitors and courts before accepting that his beloved children are in an impossible situation you are so wrong Pissssedoff and its very sad that you can't see any perspective but your own. My stepdaughter is told regularly by her mum that seeing her Dad means she doesn't love her mum. If you don't understand parental alienation please don't preach to those of us with grief stricken spouses who live with it.

I'm not preaching to anyone, if there's one thing divorce has taught me its that there's three sides to every story, hers, his and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I agree - no amount of court, lawyer letters etc can make a RP follow a court order

And no court will force contact on a child of 14 or older...

lion there were a few with 15yo's fairly recently.

But the problem with that is they work out what is fair based on what you earn, not on what it actually costs to rear your child(ren).

AndTakeYourPenguin you have hit the nail on the head. I have known a man who, when ordered to pay CSA from his previous well-paying job, preferred to be unemployed in order to spite his ex-partner, my friend, and not pay a decent amount for his kids. The amount he had to pay was no doubt in proportion to his reduced income, but no normal person would have called his behaviour "fair".

Anyone here raise a kid on £30 a week?

Also I am really sick and tired of men who whine and cry about how their evil ex's keep them from their beloved children, but when they are granted access, these men show up late/don't show up at all/forget birthdays/palm their children off onto grandparents during access times/etc etc etc. Not just once, but time and time again. It's so common, I could weep.

My husband's ex was a subtle alienator. We would take them to the cinema, she would take them to see the same film straight after, then discussing it with them to the point that they'd doubt they'd seen it with daddy, so replacing memories. Same with anything or anywhere that we took them. She told them that families lived under the one roof, that neither I or their dad were really family. They were barred from discussing anything enjoyable that we did together. They weren't allowed to bring photos home. Small, but over time, the drip feeding was extremely successful. He hasn't seen them in 7 years, and they have changed their names to their mum's maiden name. They don't even know that they have a little sister. We have tried to contact them, but every avenue is blocked.

I would similarly suggest that a woman who calls her ex a 'headcase' and says something along the lines of 'all men are only after one thing, and they're all bastards' or whatever has a pretty low opinion of men.

That right Penny Dreadful? I refer to my ex as a "headcase" all the time (and much worse). Why? Because the cunt put me in hospital, that's why.

So please don't suggest that I have a low opinion of men. Just that one.

Whenever the men come on these threads, it always strikes me that you can completely understand why they are divorced. Sorry you got hurt missbishi

Needs we were advised not to pursue it, since we'd also suggested mediation and been turned down. When a 14yo who doesn't live with you blocks you from contacting her on social media, won't answer calls, texts or letters, short of risking harassment by camping outside their house in the hope of seeing them there is very little you can do other than accept their decision and hope that one day it might change. Dh is still hopeful and continues to send birthday/ Christmas/ congratulations cards and the occasional text offering to meet. All receive no return communication. He's never shirked, asked for as much contact as possible, paid above csa recommended for 14 years and in all respects been a great dad, as his other daughter (my stepdaughter) would testify. It's all very sad, for everyone actually, including dh's ex, who does now accept she could have done more to nurture their relationship over the years and help heal the rift before it became ingrained. One positive though is that she and dh work together much more these days, communicate better and are more joined up and 'friendly' in their approach, meaning his youngest has a good relationship with everyone.

Why is it Ok for women not to want a child (abortion) but not a man. If women can do the crime without the time, why not men.should we scrap abortion and snidely say to those women 'better be more careful with your eggs love'

Because the other option is forced birth you twat

Because it's not right that a woman is forced to carry a baby, with a risk to her own health, career, earnings, and life in general for 9 months. While men just go around potentially generating more babies with no consequences.

That's exactly the attitude actually if you end up a single mum, you should have been more careful love, whether you were married to him or it was a ons. You'd be amazed how many times I've been basically told I should have kept my legs shut, by government officials, courts, his mother etc .... We were married 14 years.