We pay £250 more a month in CSA payments than we have to

[MrSnow]

Long story short, I had a son after an extremely short relationship 16 years ago. I had an average paid job but under the old rules of the CSA I paid 40% of my wages, around £400 quid a month. 12.5 Years later I get married to a woman I love and we have an amazing little boy. We also brought a house together. I didn't tell the CSA any of this and carried on paying the £400.00 for around 2 years. The CSA then contacted me and asked for a full review of my circumstances, as a result they are now only taking £150.00 a month. I contacted my son's mother and we agreed to keep paying her what we were paying her as it was only fair on my son. However, a year down the line we could really do with extra cash. AIBU to ask the mother of my son to take a deduction of £150pm so we'd only be paying her £250.00pm a month? My son is 16 next month and applying for colleges. I don't have any contact other than the occasional phone, text, Christmas and birthday presents. Not that it really matters but she owns a house that she rents out, rents a house herself and has a decent convertible car. My Son has everything, and more, that he could wish for in terms of material goods. What I'm afraid of is if she kicks off?? I don't want to cause any stress or concern for my boy.

As I always tell my brothers, the decision making ends with your choice as to whether to use a condom or not and that's the end of it, out of your hands so to speak !

Can'tWait, I think you are right, I retract the first part of my previous message (just the first part though)

Write to ex, tell her payments will now be £150 a month and give £100 direct to ds bank account

This sounds sensible in theory, but there may be particular reasons why it isn't a good idea. I would be a little bit annoyed if somebody just started giving my children £100 a month for them to spend how they chose (especially if that amount were taken out of the sums I had previously used for housekeeping expenses). Without making any assumptions about your son, 16 year old boys can sometimes be silly in wasting "free" money on illicit alcohol / weed / games etc!

Putting it into a savings account for him would, however, be a different matter - though again it may not be fair to his mother if she has previously relied on that money.

Would you let an arsehole raise your child?

The OP is happy to let a "headcase" raise his child.

I don't understand this, they will contact me when they are an adult nonsense. So you don't fancy brining up a child, you don't fancy the hard work and only want a relationship with an adult?

My child had no contact from extended family during childhood. They got in touch when they were an adult, my child was as to why all of a sudden they were interested. My child had their family and didn't want anything to do with strangers who were too lazy to visit them or surrport them during childhood.

Having said that, if "she is a a certifiable, grade one, 5 star, headcase" how is it you thought she was good enough to abandon your child with???

This.

I also think it is a disablist comment, as if someone with mental health issues is some how a lesser being.

Hi OP. How were you ever assessed as having to pay 40%? That's crazy. It's been 15% for one child for ages. If £400 is 40%, does that mean your net income is only £1,000 per month? If so, it is simply not sustainable for you to continue paying it. You are being more than generous to offer £250. Perhaps explain to her the huge over-payments you have made over the years and explain that it has to stop now. The overpayments will add up to thousands and at 16, your son is old enough to get a part-time job, so I doubt that her child-care expenditure is going up over the next 2 years.

Good luck.

To all those saying if the genders were reversed blah blah, women are constantly asked on MN why they chose to have a child with someone, why did they get pregnant again etc. And if a woman posted that she left her child with an unsuitable father and had no contact with him she would be flamed.

The CMS minimum is set at such a low percentage in order to avoid situations where the NRP is struggling to maintain a decent standard of living. You've certainly been paying over the legal minimum but I wouldn't say you've been paying 'over the odds' as it were. So I'd ask myself first (if I were in your situation) whether I'm reducing payments for my child in order to fund an improved lifestyle or whether I'm actually, genuinely struggling.

If you're struggling then I don't see a huge issue reducing the payments a bit. But don't kid yourself by thinking your payments are generous. If all were right in the world, each parent would contribute 50%. £250 isn't 50% of what it costs to raise a child each month, especially a teenager. And as a parent with next to no contact it should be all the more important to you to maintain the only kind of support you have been giving.

If the ex is a head are why in earth would you leave her to bring up the child alone?
You have contributed nothing else to the child's upbringing and by your own admission have allowed him to be brought up by a head case so I think you should continue to make the payments till he is 18 .
Shame in you for being a non existent parent.

TheUnsullied

I'm paying £400 a month. Where do you get the impression that "i'm kidding myself I'm being generous"????

I think the conclusion is you should continue paying or get involved. Up to you

""Try telling a woman she should have kept her legs shut when she calls her ex the same thing or similar""

If the Woman in the situation left and didn't have any contact with her child, I'm sure worse would be said, unless she had serious disabilities/MH issues.

I will say, pre 2004 (after the amendments of 2003), it could be very difficult to get access to a child, born to a Girlfriend, rather than Wife/Partner.

It does seem that the OP has done nothing to try to get contact. FB etc has made it easy to trace people and, as said, the Son (not the amazing one), could have had contact, independently, but that would mean making an effort, not just throwing money at the situation.

Mr Snow - I don't understand the figures here at all. I am a resident parent (grandparent carer). Under the old CSA system, it is 15% of your net income. Under the new rules it is 12% of your gross income. If you have really been paying 40% of your income, then that is unrealistic particularly if you have been assessed as having to pay £250. Even taking into account your son who lives with you, this does not indicate a big salary.

You can ask your ex partner, but you also have the choice to ask the CMS to deal with matters and prepare a schedule. However, it will undoubtedly be a direct pay because you have kept up payments.

You have said a few things that make me uncomfortable as a carer for a lovely young man, but his father sees him eow and is an absolute nightmare who does everything in his power to avoid paying for my gs. In fact the CSA tell me there are only around 10% of fathers who truly do not want to pay and he is one of them. They state this simply because he has exploited every area of the system to avoid payment from self employed to paying short each month.

I think your language has caused a backlash here because so often the female ex partner seems to be referred to as a headcase of sorts and undoubtely this is how my gs's father refers to me, the person who brings up his child because he is incapable.

Some of the posts here are ridiculous. Unfortunately you'll keep getting them op. You could be a frigging saint but that wouldn't matter to certain posters because you're a man and NRP.

To be honest, OP does seem pretty ambivalent about his son. Asked whether his son has a dim view of his father, OP casually concedes it "can't be great". OK, so will he attempt to build a relationship? Oh, says OP, when he's old enough, if he wants to hear my side. Meanwhile, only one son has been described as "amazing".

And all in a thread about reducing maintenance. That poor kid.

I think that's unfair, Paul.

It isn't a straightforward NRP situation. This man has effectively abandoned his first child to the care of a "head case". Yes some women make it very hard, a smaller number make it absolutely impossible but it doesn't seem this man even attempted to go through the courts to gain contact with his child.

You can't just give up on your children because it's hard.

No one knows the full details so just assume the worst. It's ridiculous.

Under the old CSA system, it is 15% of your net income

The pre-97 system? The "old, old" rules, not the "new old rules"

No, not at all. The OPs posts show a lack of engagement and effort.

As I said in a previous post, I am in a very similar situation myself. I cannot begin to imagine giving up on my stepchildren. I certainly can't imagine giving up on my child.

I suspect the OP was fairly young when his first child was born which will obviously play into it. I've also seen first hand the damage that can be done by emotionally manipulative exes that leave men feeling like they have no right to fight to see their child. I still can't imagine giving up.

I don't know, keeping the other parent out of your child's life without damn good reason isn't good parenting. That said I do not know a single mother a live who wouldn't welcome the break. Mine has them 9 hours on a Saturday "to give me a break" lol lol it allows me to do their bloody washing.

We're going on the OP's own tone in relation to his son and the fact he appears to be more concerned about reducing maintenance than increasing contact. Even if the ex is a wicked harridan, OP still seems pretty indifferent to his firstborn.

For the record, I apologise to all concerned about my use of language when describing the ex. I'd love to give you all some examples of her behaviour over the years but that's not what I'm here for.