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Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
LionsLedge · 22/04/2016 22:36

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LionsLedge · 22/04/2016 22:38

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CandyFlossBrain · 22/04/2016 22:45

He shows his mates a picture of an old girlfriend who he regrets he didn't have sex with at the time. His mates look at the girl in the picture and how attractive she looks and they spout off sexist comments about her. I can understand why you are upset. I know some men can be very explicit when it comes to women but that doesn't make them rapists it makes them sexist pigs.

She's asking to be raped by wearing that dress... A judge would agree... If I saw her I don't know what I'd do...

That goes beyond sexism. 'Explicit' doesn't work either. You can be sexually explicit without joking about sexual violence. And why not ask if it makes them rapists or potential rapists? You have a group of men here enabling each other, and making it okay among themselves to discuss a real person in this way. I'm assuming the 'gang rape' the OP referred to was all of them having a go in their little group rape fantasy. This is part of what makes men feel entitled to do these things, along with the shockingly low rates of reporting rape and punishing rapists, and the victim blaming. We shouldn't just shut up and let them 'banter'. It's fucking HARMFUL to us.

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 23:20

I agree with you you never know do you if in that circle they think it's ok to talk like that. Then they may think it's ok to act on it because no one says nothing. Before they know it there in court because they thought it was ok to force a woman to have sex with them.

HelenaDove · 23/04/2016 00:12

Bloody vile. An ex of mine used to insist he wasnt sexist and believed in equality and then in the next breath moaned about women drivers. He also thought everything like expenses and housework should be split down the middle. By the way he used to shout and moan about his water meter whenever i had a shower amongst other things i soon worked out that his idea of equality would probably mean the woman paying 50% even if she was earning less.

Last month an ex from when i was a teen (we dated briefly when were in our late teens but never slept together) saw me while i was grocery shopping and started chatting to me. He said "Every time i see you i think Cor i fancy a bit of that"

Like im a bloody victoria sponge. We dated briefly when he was 16 and i was 17. We are both in our early 40s now and he STILL talks like this.

Fundamentally ppl like this dont change OP

And an excellent point from a pp about the fact that the 19 year old woman being discussed on the other thread is getting comments like "oh shes an adult she knows what shes doing" and yet ppl on here are saying "oh this bloke is under 30 he hasnt grown up yet" Confused

Hedgehogparty · 23/04/2016 00:25

I believe a lot of men have no respect at all for women, even hate them.
Ask yourself, having discovered what he did, whether this is the sort of man you want to be with.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 07:46

I am shocked the amount of people minimising and justifying this behaviour. Anybody who jokes about rape, and displays that kind of mysigonistic attitude, would be a dealbreaker in my books. No not all men are like that, they are not all neanderthals , how insulting to the male population, some men are like that, not all! Yes I would rather be single than be with a guy that thinks its fine to minimise and joke about rape, it says a lot about him. No I can honestly say dh would never display those views, the few friends he has are lovely, kind and educated, so he does not associate with men like that.

Boolovessulley · 23/04/2016 08:16

I wouldn't want to be with a man who showed off pictures of his ex.

I can't excuse anyone who stands by without pulling up someone who is making mysoginistic comments.

We all have a brain, we are all capable iof free thought.
We can all put our opinion across.

It is obvious what his opinion is.

Dump him and thank your lucky stars you are well rid.

Women need to stop making excuses for men's shitty behaviour. We need to pull people up over this.

Imagine the reaction if he had spoken about a black guy, calling him the n word etc etc, that ok?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 08:18

Intelligent, not educated, even educated people can be dicks.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 08:20

It shows a really nasty and unsavoury side to your partner, op. Instead of pulling his friends up on it, he was joining in, and even instigating this conversation, no no no. This is a grown adult man we are talking about, nearing his 30's, not a young teen showing off.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 08:49

Him finishing himself off in the taxi after the girl had been dropped off home, yuck yuck yuck, what kind of man thinks it's ok to do that!

Wristy · 23/04/2016 08:59

In my experience men like this don't change. I worked with a bunch of tools like this when I was 18, they were all in their mid twenties. They're all into their forties now, most are married or long term relationships and many now have children, but they all still speak and behave exactly the way they used to. It's grim Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 23/04/2016 09:04

Joking about gang rape, rape, women being attacked, and objectified show a very nasty side to the person. Instead of saying, no stop talking about it, that is awful, he was joining in, no it is not ok, I don't blame op for feeling the way she does, his mask is falling. No not all men are like this, very insulting to insinuate that!

melisma · 23/04/2016 09:20

Hope you are ok this morning, Genie.

DoreenLethal · 23/04/2016 09:41

He acted like a dick, but if we all ended relationships over one instance of dickish behaviour then we'd all be single.

And if this happened perhaps men would switch up and sort their attitude out.

Nannygrandma · 23/04/2016 09:46

Tell him what your seen and how upset you are and how you feel then breath let it blow over a bit and then see how you feel

DoreenLethal · 23/04/2016 09:53

Tell him what your seen and how upset you are and how you feel then breath let it blow over a bit and then see how you feel

No amount of breathing and blowing is going to change a misogynistic into a respectful man.

Lumpylumperson · 23/04/2016 10:03

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Lumpylumperson · 23/04/2016 10:04

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FlowersAndShit · 23/04/2016 10:11

Men are very disappointing creatures Sad

bakeoffcake · 23/04/2016 10:14

Not all of them Flowers Smile there are some good ones out there.

FlowersAndShit · 23/04/2016 10:19

I was in the car with my stepdad the other day, a young woman walked passed as we were stopped at some traffic lights. Stepdad didn't like her outfit and said "She doesn't have to worry about being raped, no man would want to rape her ".

Writerwannabe83 · 23/04/2016 10:30

I have also heard similar comments from men who say things along the lines of "at least she won't ever get raped" but basing it on her actual physical appearance.

It's disgusting.

FWIW - I think it's very unlikely OP's partner finished himself off in the back of the taxi and was just saying it to look "cool and macho" in front of his friends. That still doesn't take away from the fact that all aspects of their conversation were disgusting though.

newmumwithquestions · 23/04/2016 10:32

Hope you are OK this morning Genie.
I think you've made the right call cancelling the mortgage appointment and talking to him. I suspect he'll have tried to excuse his behaviour away. Lots of men act like this (I've also worked in male dominated places). It doesn't make it right and personally I don't think I could get over the rape comments.

ClopySow · 23/04/2016 11:12

It doesn't make them "sexist pigs" it makes them misogynists.

And the whole gang rape thing - that is all kinds of fucked up, that a group of friends would not only joke about rape but about raping together. I mean can you imagine women joking about similar "cor, he's really fucking buff, i wish him and his mates would gang rape me" or "cor, fancy all of us getting together and each bouncing up and down on him"