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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

770 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

OP posts:
ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 20/04/2016 08:14

Really Pan?

Have you had your pills this morning?

Maddy says people who are child rapist apologists are twats. And that is cowardly? How, exactly?

And the one goading is you. You're just too supercilious to even see it.

I've actually supported you in the past, under different user names, when people have said what a goadyfuckery bore you can be. Because until this thread I thought you were basically alright.

I now admit to those people that I was clearly very wrong.

StealthPolarBear · 20/04/2016 08:16

As far as I could see the lowest two categories did not show pictures of children being abused. They were normal pictures of children doing nor mal things. Presumably it is not an offence in itself to have these images but they can be taken into account alongside other images.
I think I've made my general position clear on this but I just want to correct the assumption thay even the lowest category show children being abused. Unless I'm wrong (and I may well be, this was based on a Google, although authoritative sources) that is not the case.

AmysTiara · 20/04/2016 08:21

Awful posts on here. I can't believe cate wood's post has been left to stand. Incidentally, cate, add to basket and SGB, please don't name change so I have the option of totally ignoring anything you have to say on future threads

SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2016 08:27

Something that is a low level offence is still an offence. It's just a lower level offence than others. It doesn't mean that is is acceptable (ie should not be prosecuted). But if someone had committed only a low level offence, some time in the past, this might have been why other people would decide that it was OK to invite him to the wedding.
It's also a bit of a leap to imply that any children attending this wedding would be at immediate risk.

WellErrr · 20/04/2016 08:34

You don't go to prison for 'low level offences' though.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/04/2016 08:34

She used a term that to lots of people is unacceptable but is still very much in common usage, it's used in so many areas that when you just say images of child abuse so many people have no clue what is being spoken about they only appear to get it when you say 'no, it's images of child abuse' when they have already used the mainstream term.

It's a term lots of us challenge daily.

Working in the adult porn industry is does not mean someone knows anything at all about the impact of images of child abuse nor does it mean they know anything about how the justice system assesses them or anything about previous convictions and sentancing, her now deleted post would suggest that whilst she thinks she knows she does not, that is the type of knowledge I was talking about or after seeing her post do you think she's some kind of expert wellerr?

Spending pages and pages just accusing people of being a child abuse apologist will do nothing to change anything the posters who came on and posted honest or factual information and did so very well will have done a lot more to educate and challenge than anybody who was just aggressive and didn't really say anything at all other than scum bag apoligists

WomanWithAltitude · 20/04/2016 08:35

'A bit of a leap' ? Hmm

This man has twice been convicted of owning images of serious child sexual abuse. He is aroused by the sight of children being sexually tortured. He seeks it out deliberately, pays to see it.

WellErrr · 20/04/2016 08:38

Why can't you admit that you didn't read the OP properly?

Or is it because you still think we are 'foaming and hysterical' for suggesting that paedophilic offences bad enough to be imprisoned for are actually quite bad?

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 08:38

how exactly is it cowardly?

I'm sorry, i'm sick of seeing people trying to justify him being at this wedding, and being accepted back into the social group... or trying to tell the OP she is wrong for not wanting to be in the presence of a twice convicted paedophile who gets off on some of the WORST pictures of child sexual abuse there are going.

Anyone who thinks thats ok is a twat in my book.

So, there it is.. as far as i'm concerned, if the shoe fits, feel free to lace that bitch up and wear it!

GrimmauldPlace · 20/04/2016 08:40

Maybe I should have been more specific, onyerbike, I felt I had made it clear. Apparently not.

To address your earlier post Are you seriously suggesting the possibility some people could be upset should be a barrier to expression? Conversely to what you suggest, people's degree of 'upsetness' should not trump the expression of other people's opinion.

Yes, I do think that when certain subjects are being discussed, such as this one, people's 'upsetness' as you put it should trump people's right to express themselves. My opinion is that there shouldn't be a debate about csa. That is not the same as me saying there shouldn't be a discussion over whether people would be able to handle going to a wedding with a peadophile. But that is what happened in this thread. Some poster's decided to start debating whether what he had done was that bad. Justifying his behaviour. Saying that we should all get used to peadophiles being around or they might reoffend if we don't welcome them in society with open arms.

WomanWithAltitude · 20/04/2016 08:40

Sgb - what are you views on the messages it sends to other abusers and victims when men like this are given a free pass?

Do you not think that the way people are willing to tolerate and minimise sexual crimes is part of the problem, part of rape culture?

MaddyHatter · 20/04/2016 08:40

Can i refer my question to you SGB..

knowing what he did, how would you feel if you were at the wedding, and you caught him looking at your kids?

No-one can answer it... or wants to.

Funny that.

Tiredemma · 20/04/2016 08:43

The guy has been to jail and paid his debt to society.When are you going to let him move on with his life?

As someone who works with women who have had their lives ruined by childhood sexual abuse I find this comment appalling.

They have not had opportunity to 'move on'. Some of them will consider it a 'good day' if they haven't made a serious suicide attempt.

Let him sit next to your kids at a wedding. How ignorant.

Baconyum · 20/04/2016 08:45

Sgb would you want him excited at pics of YOUR kids????

Would YOU attend this wedding and happily have him dancing with, sitting YOUR child in his lap?

Would make me feel physically sick to be in the same room as this excuse for a human!

Baconyum · 20/04/2016 08:47

And yet again on a Csa thread MNHQ handling poorly. Yet when I started a thread about this I was over reacting!

WellErrr · 20/04/2016 08:52

Someone who works in the porn industry (and who has frequented mumsnet for years) should know that there is no such thing as 'child porn.'
I just can't accept that she was ignorant on this.

Heebiejeebie · 20/04/2016 08:57

One of the dreadful things about this thread is that people have shared their personal experiences of sexual abuse and been unacknowledged in the furore.

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 09:01

This thread is disturbing prison does not get rid of the sickness that is in him. I don't think the op should tip toe around anybody. I think she needs to rethink the people she wishes to associate herself with. How can anyone want to make you feel guilty for not wanting to sit next to a pedophile are they serious.

I can see some people on here want to show controversy but you are embarrassing yourselves. Do you not have any boundaries to who you have around you or your children. Thats disturbing.

ParanoidGynodroid · 20/04/2016 09:06

Gosh, I'm surprised this thread is still here. Yesterday, MNHQ pulled a thread that lasted probably less than 20 minutes.Ssomeone posted about the McCanns finally losing their libel case after the Portuguese detective won his appeal. There was pretty mild criticism of the couple, but MNHQ pulled the thread saying it "wasn't in the spirit of MN". Fair enough, but allowing csa apologists/minimisers a platform is? On a parenting site? Fucking hell.

Some topics or standpoints should be automatic no go areas with immediate deletion on a parenting website!

MartinaJ · 20/04/2016 09:15

catewood21, thank you for reminding me that world isn't full of intelligent people with morals.
You are seriously telling OP to get over herself and go to a wedding where she'll be expected to socialize with someone who loves looking at pictures with children being raped?
Well, I will probably also get on my high horse and tell you that I would never be able to do anything like that. OP, you are totally NBU for not wanting to go there. I believe your friends are BU for wanting to socialize with a scum like this.

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 09:17

I think they like to pick and choose this is shocking. I think people will have opinions about the McCanns and mumsnet was thinking about their feelings but stuff anyone who has been abused as children. I don't want to write anything too deep but mumsnet are contradicting themselves with this thread how appalling.

Seeyounearertime · 20/04/2016 09:17

All those people saying they would go and not have anything to do with the man:

Would you take your kids?
would you be happy knowing that a man there is likely getting aroused watching the children running around?
would you be fine with seeing this man stood at the bar watching the kids?
what if he spoke to a child? what if he spoke to YOUR child?

How would you feel with the thought that this person is putting images of your child into his "wank bank"?

Because if you're all okay with that, your unfit parents and should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 20/04/2016 09:19

This thread absolutely should not be pulled.

Child rape apologists should be banhammered. The thread should stand, and so should their posts to show them for the scum they are.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 20/04/2016 09:22

McCann threads are always pulled. It's because a) they bring out the hang em and flog ems and b) MN don't want to be sued.

bumblebee1234 · 20/04/2016 09:22

Maybe you are right it should not be pulled it is very shocking to read vile comments from people who have no boundaries. I am disturbed by it I'm going to lie down now and clear my head.