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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to ask how do you know you didn't want anymore children?

170 replies

2016ismyyear · 15/03/2016 22:35

We've been trying for 18mths for a final addition to our family. It has taken 2 years for DP to agree to try.

Last week I suddenly got a sense of feeling like I had made peace with the fact we are unlikely to have any more and started to imagine life without anymore children.

I saw a friends newborn baby today. Often a classic trigger for broodiness. Nothing!

How did you know you were done with having anymore children?

OP posts:

neolara · 15/03/2016 22:37

Because I would dream that I was pregnant and wake up in a cold sweat. The relief of realising it was only a dream!

LegoLady95 · 15/03/2016 22:38

When I got rid of the baby equipment. We said we were done after 2, but I put everything in the loft and we even moved house - taking it all to the next loft...

So we had number 3. Everything was on eBay the moment she stopped needing it!

EatShitDerek · 15/03/2016 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatsn0tmyname · 15/03/2016 22:42

Making plans for the future that involve having money and lots of good night's sleep.
Being happy to pass on old baby stuff.

Casmama · 15/03/2016 22:43

I think it's the strong feeling that although I love being pregnant and having a newborn , I never want to do this toddler malarkey again - ever!

monkeysox · 15/03/2016 22:45

No nappies. No night waking. They can ask for what they want. No pregnant or bf boobs omg the swelling.

CobblerBob · 15/03/2016 22:46

after DD (my second child) my c-section wound got a superbug infection. So hideously distressing. Then I got PND.

I called time after that.

Trills · 15/03/2016 22:48

It is incredibly strange to me that you think you have to feel that you don't want more children.

I would have thought that would be the default, and that wanting more children would be the state that requires a feeling.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 15/03/2016 22:48

DC1 was always intended to be the first of two so we kept everything as a matter of course. There was never a moment after DC2 when we considered having a third, as soon as anything was finished with it was charity shopped or sold without a backward glance. 10 years later there has never been a single pang for a third baby.

SaucyJack · 15/03/2016 22:48

For me- borderline regretting the last one. I most certainly do not want any more. I am very very clear in my mind.

I quite like small babies mind, and I'll always be a bit soppy over them- but fuck me (using at least two methods of contraception)- I am done with toddlers.

Original poster

2016ismyyear · 15/03/2016 22:48

I hated pregnancy but loved birth, feeding and wearing a baby. Our last one didn't sleep for years and had awful reflux though so we are still recovering from that trauma!

I've sold some baby stuff but certain bits I just can't part with.
I'd like the money and freedom to make work financially appealing but still part of me has been torn. Until this past week. Very odd.

OP posts:

MissMarpleCat · 15/03/2016 22:49

After having twins. DP had the snip 4 weeks later.

alltouchedout · 15/03/2016 22:49

I'm never going to have any more because we can't afford it, dh doesn't want any more and I don't think I could be the mum I have want to be to 4 dc (this is not to say 4 dc is too many to have, I know numerous people who are great parents to 4+dc- I just don't think my own parenting ability stretches that far). But I still 'want' another in that I wish I could have one.

So maybe it doesn't have to be knowing what you want as much as knowing what's feasible.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 15/03/2016 22:51

The relief of coming through the end of toddler phase number 2.
The sheer level of admin required for two primary aged DCs certainly puts to bed any momentary broodiness.

MorrisZapp · 15/03/2016 22:51

What Trills said.

I never exactly 'wanted' to have DS, it was more fear of regret etc if I didn't experience parenthood.

And now I have experienced it. So I'm even better placed to know very clearly that I won't be having any more.

Athrawes · 15/03/2016 22:52

I knew at 40 I was lucky to have one with no complications and that having a second at 42 or so would pose increased risks to mother and baby. So head over heart.

MrsOlaf78 · 15/03/2016 22:55

I knew right away I was sticking with one. A third degree tear, a baby with colic for three months, exhaustion and loneliness dominating the first two years of her life. I just struggled with the baby years and felt such relief as each stage passed.

Only now have I been able to go to work and pay off the debts we ran into due to me having to stop working. I adore my daughter and I enjoy her so much more the older she gets but I've always known that I can't go through it all again or cope with two children. I will just have to work through any disappointment she feels and the guilt I sometimes feel about not providing a sibling. It's the lesser of two evils - she would be far worse off if she had stressed and unhappy parents. The truth is we have a happy fun home life because I can concentrate on her and enjoy her. Everyone is different and families come in all shapes and sizes - you just have to do what's right for you.

IggertyZiggertyZoom · 15/03/2016 22:56

I seem to be alone in hating the baby time and loving having a toddler/pre-schooler. If I could give birth to a fully formed 18 month old, I'd do it again. The thought of another baby feels me with dread.

BillSykesDog · 15/03/2016 22:58

I always wanted a big family but had fertility issues. I had one DS at 33 and am expecting twin DC 2 & 3 later this year at 37. Pre-pregnancy I would have said that I would have liked maybe 4 or even 5 DC. But this pregnancy and the treatment to get this far have been so tough I've now decided this is it and I don't want to go through another pregnancy after this one. I know I'm very lucky to have a family at all though. But it will be complete.

elQuintoConyo · 15/03/2016 23:00

One was enough. That was just it. In 4 years neither of us has had a pang of 'hmm how about a 2nd?'.

Strangely I have loved the toddler stage, it was just like having a small drunk in the house whereas newborn-to-9mo (when he could walk) was mind-numbingly boring, although DS was very cute.

I am very much enjoying 4yo. So so glad not to have to do the early drudge work anymore (nappies, bottles, pushchairs, bags of spare clean clothes and wipes etc etc).

Strokethefurrywall · 15/03/2016 23:01

Mine is head over heart. I would love 3 in an ideal world, but we can afford a standard of life here (expensive part of the world) that would be compromised if we had a 3rd.
We don't struggle at the moment and have luxuries and freedom and ease of life (as much as you can have with a 4 year and 2 year old!) that we would have to sacrifice if we had a 3rd.
I've happily sold my baby stuff and although I feel nostalgic for the pregnancy, birth and new baby days, the further I get from it the less I want to go back.
So for me, it has been a gradual realization.
Sure, if we had 100k more and we didn't have to worry about private school fees and international university fees then I would say yes to another.

Thatrabbittrickedme · 15/03/2016 23:02

In my heart I would love a DC3 but we made the choice to stop at two for financial and pragmatic reasons. DH really has no interest in a third as well so given the practical considerations I've made myself accept stopping at two. I still feel broody though, and at age 37, I still have a few years left where I could change things. I get very broody at times...

expatinscotland · 15/03/2016 23:02

When DS, our third, was born. I was nearly 38 and found it all knackering. Just so shattered with all of it. Could truly feel that was it.

Am 45 now and have no regrets. I have nightmares of being pregnant.

Alasalas2 · 15/03/2016 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

velidhu · 15/03/2016 23:08

DC2 had colic - never want to experience those few months again! DH had the snip 18mths later.

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