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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask how do you know you didn't want anymore children?

170 replies

2016ismyyear · 15/03/2016 22:35

We've been trying for 18mths for a final addition to our family. It has taken 2 years for DP to agree to try.

Last week I suddenly got a sense of feeling like I had made peace with the fact we are unlikely to have any more and started to imagine life without anymore children.

I saw a friends newborn baby today. Often a classic trigger for broodiness. Nothing!

How did you know you were done with having anymore children?

OP posts:
NickyEds · 16/03/2016 14:23

I wish I knew. I have a 2.3 year old ds and an 8 month old dd and I want another. Dp doesn't. We can't really afford it, well we could but would miss out on a lot. I really wish I didn't want another because we, in all likelihood won't be having one.

queenMab99 · 16/03/2016 14:37

I stopped being broody at about 42, until then I would have been happy to have a 3rd child, but it felt as if I had grown out of that stage of life. I think it is connected to hormone levels and is a natural progression, which is why I can't understand why 50 and 60 year olds would want fertility treatment, if they have a family already.

RaspberryOverload · 16/03/2016 15:29

I knew as soon as DS (my 2nd) was born that there would be no DC3.

It look a couple more years for DP to feel the same way. He turned out to be the (mildly) broody one Grin

Original poster
2016ismyyear · 16/03/2016 16:30

We had a sleepless night last night so that always helps you remember what it was like!

We are so close to making work pay as you get DC starts school in September. That means I can resume working and hopefully finances will improve.
Both our cars are getting old. I can't see us being able to replace them if we had another.
We are in rented and the house could just about accommodate a baby but not a growing child. I like our landlords and we live in a nice place. Ultimately long term would prefer to buy but that means we need a better income.

It dawned on me that my partners children are about to get very expensive with driving lessons, teenage stuff etc. Plus we have school camps etc to pay for. We are struggling to pay for swimming lessons etc right now. We aren't an extravagant family but really need to up our income to provide basic nice stuff.

If I'm honest its head over heart. However thos past week the thought of another has changed from "we'll cope" to "be grateful for what you have - the children deserve more than coping".

So DP has said about getting the snip. I immediately said no however truth is contraception wise everything upsets me and i don't fancy condoms.

OP posts:
Alasalas2 · 16/03/2016 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestZebbie · 16/03/2016 17:10

After having our DS I just felt it was finished with. I even lost my general background desire to adopt a cat, which is pretty conclusive since from about age 4 I'd have quite willingly (circumstances permitting) taken in any cat that was passing at zero provocation.

SaucyJack · 16/03/2016 17:10

You'll be fine Alasalas if they're all toddlers. It won't be so much of a shock to the system:

My fatal error was waiting until the first two were just getting old enough to be let off the leash a bit in public before having a third.

I thought it would be nice to go back to the baby days. I Was Wrong. The cat agrees.

minipie · 16/03/2016 17:38

I had to twist my own arm to have a second. So relieved to be through the small baby stage. A third has never been considered.

ShowMeTheWonder · 16/03/2016 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TorchesTorches · 16/03/2016 18:38

I clearly remember in my second pregnancy with dc2 thinking 'never do this again', it was a really easy pregnancy as well, but i just didn't want to go through it again. Gave all the baby stuff away straight away. i loved the baby stage but hated toddlerdom, (Its nearly over thank god!)

MadJo · 16/03/2016 18:43

I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that we're done. I always said I wanted 4 and that's what we have. But when the midwife discharged me for the last time I sobbed. I just couldn't believe I'd never give birth again (don't hate me but I love pregnancy and labour and I'm that smug cow who pops them out in an hour with maybe 2 paracetamol for pain relief and is in the supermarket doing the weekly shop 12 hours later).
But DH is adamant that 4 is enough. My youngest is 11 months so hopefully as he gets more independent my intense broodiness will begin to wane.

Bythepath · 16/03/2016 18:55

I knew when instead of putting the stuff back in the loft (like I did after DC 1&2) I shipped it to a friend in New Zealand!
I had 3DC in 4 years and was the first of my friends to have children. 3 of them have had their first baby in the last 6 months and while I enjoy a newborn cuddle they all talk about 'next time' and 'when they have another' and I am very pleased that I won't be doing it again.

minipie · 16/03/2016 19:33

I have two DC and I didn't feel broody at all when ttcing the second.

It was more a case of "ok well long term we want two DC, we want a smallish age gap for various reasons, best man up and get on with it". Now DD2 is here (and is 1) she's wonderful but I definitely didn't look forward to the newborn bit.

Financially we could have more but not in terms of time or energy. Both DCs are bad sleepers and DD1 has a, um, challenging personality and some mild physical SN.

I think head over heart is the way to go OP. There are lots of people on MN who say have another if you really want one, you'll cope in terms of money and practicalities... But as you very sensibly say, you all deserve more than just "coping".

unexpectedworms · 16/03/2016 19:43

I would love another (we have 2). If we had any help from family who live abroad and/or far away I think DH would consider it but it's so hard having no help other than paid help (although our lovely friends can assist from time to time).

I always knew that if we could, we would have at least 2.

Fianancially, practically and physically I know I should stop but part of me still wants another. Unfortunately you can't have half a baby! Grin

AngelsWithFilthySouls · 16/03/2016 19:56

Head over heart. In an ideal world we'd have 2 DC but we'll stick at 1.

4 mmc before DS was born, a concoction of drugs and blood thinners with DS and they didn't pick up dangerous PE and placenta failure so he was a 3lb preemie pretty much confirms that we were so lucky to have DS and I couldn't go through it all again.

Oh and the sickness that lasted until 7 months was horrific, there's no way I could properly look after DS if I was like that again and that wouldn't be fair on him.

mumoseven · 16/03/2016 19:57

Halfway through having number 7, (which turned into a right fandango with ds turning sideways and an emergency cs) I thought ' I am never doing this ever again' and asked for a sterilization while they were in there. Best decision ever.

weeblueberry · 16/03/2016 19:59

When I finished my second labour and thought 'oh thank god I never have to do that again'. It was as though I had just realised that was it.

rallytog1 · 16/03/2016 20:19

When the consultant told me I'd be putting my health at serious risk if I had another - I felt relief rather than sadness at the fact that I'd never have to go through it again.

muminthecity · 16/03/2016 20:53

I knew as soon as I gave birth to my first and only DC that I would never have another. I love her to bits of course but I've never changed my mind or felt broody at all, and she's nearly 11 now.

I was 21 when I had her and everyone said that I was too young to say I didn't want anymore, that I'd change my mind one day etc etc.

A decade on and people still say the same! None of my family or friends can accept that I just don't want anymore children.

neversleepagain · 16/03/2016 21:05

Feeling really sorry for pregnant woman.

Not feeling at all broody when someone hands me a newborn. Feeling relief to hand it back!

Being exited I get rid of baby "clutter"

Not stopping to look a the baby clothes in Mothercare.

Feel so pleased that I will never do a night feed, change another nappy or have to wean a infant again.

After twins nothing will ever make me have another. Ever.

TattyDevine · 16/03/2016 21:10

I had a scare a week or two back (around mothers day).

I had to consider what it would mean, how it would come about.

It was so many things - the age difference between children, the pregnancy itself and the implications considering I wasn't that good at it in my early 30's (now nearly 40), then "even if the pregnancy went okay and it was out safe" the "stairgates nappies, into everything, napping whilst school run, night feeds" so on so forth.

There was really nothing "for" it.

Then had negative pregnancy test and period and felt immense relief.

Then last weekend (about a week after negative result, and 5 days after period) DH said about stopping the child care voucher benefit (which once stopped, can never be reinstated) and I said stop it. He said "was there any part of you that thought "maybe one day" and I said "no!".

He agreed.

So that's how I think I really do know this is it!

I am happy with my lot - I dont even think I might have a weird yearning when the menopause hits. I really think I am complete!

Quietattheback · 16/03/2016 21:21

I knew when booking in for c-section number four, they asked me if I wanted to be sterilized at the same time and the 'Yep, where do I sign' popped out before I had even thought about it.

DD is about to start nursery and whilst I had a little moment of sadness to think that will be no more little ones around (I love the baby and toddler stages), but I'm more excited to move into the next phase as a family than I am sad.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 16/03/2016 21:25

After I had my son I just felt content that our family was finished. I don't want anymore children. Dont feel Broody anymore. Have no desire to ever be pregnant again or go through the baby stage and the thought fills me with horror. Happy my dh has had the snip and it's not something I need to worry about.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 16/03/2016 21:26

Oh and I walk past people that are heavily pregnant or who have a screaming baby and feel sorry for them and feel relief it's not m!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 16/03/2016 21:28

We've got three, and if age wasn't a factor, we probably would have three more!

For various reasons, I feel unbelievably lucky to have any children, and certainly managing to have our third (I always wanted 3). But I've had brilliant pregnancies, births and I love having babies, so I'm not sure I'd ever reach the 'don't want any more' point.