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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask how do you know you didn't want anymore children?

170 replies

2016ismyyear · 15/03/2016 22:35

We've been trying for 18mths for a final addition to our family. It has taken 2 years for DP to agree to try.

Last week I suddenly got a sense of feeling like I had made peace with the fact we are unlikely to have any more and started to imagine life without anymore children.

I saw a friends newborn baby today. Often a classic trigger for broodiness. Nothing!

How did you know you were done with having anymore children?

OP posts:
fixyourgardengate · 15/03/2016 23:13

I still thought I wanted another until dc2 hit 19 months. There is 19 months between our DC and because I was bf dc2 and I was in the newborn bubble I totally missed the onset and enduring exhaustion of the terrible twos.

I loved being pregnant, loved giving birth, loved having a newborn, loved watching the crawling, fist steps, fist words etc etc.

But fuck me, I hate having a toddler who is adament she doesn't want a nappy/pull up on but is wetting herself 2 or 3 times a day.

foxy6 · 15/03/2016 23:16

i had more as i didnt feel our family was complete and stopped when i finally realised that no matter how many children i had my family would never feel complete as dd1 lives in heaven. we have 5 now at home.

IrishDad79 · 16/03/2016 00:01

Always wanted 3 kids (maybe cos I'm one of three, my dad is one of three etc). Just seemed like the right number. Have 3 now and that's enough! Our first born was a dream baby, he slept through the night, wasn't clingy at all. I thought this baby lark was easy, didn't know what all the fuss was about. The second and third were a lot more challenging. Constantly waking through the night, constantly crying looking to be picked up. My youngest is nearly 8 months and she's really cute at this age but I'm looking forward to the end of the baby phase and I don't intend on doing it a fourth time.

LucyBabs · 16/03/2016 00:10

I have two dc and I knew when i was pregnant with my 2nd that I'd never have another baby. It was a miserable depressing pregnancy and then I had pnd after ds was born.

My two are 7 and 4 now and I'm loving this stage of their childhood Smile

SalemSaberhagen · 16/03/2016 00:21

I want another, but just thinking about those first 3 months with a newborn just brings me out in a cold sweat. I was so, so close to having PND, I could almost reach out and touch it. The bleak despair of a mewling little baby who cries all of the time and doesn't ever let you sleep, not being able to take just 2 minutes to yourself, the poor state of your body afterwards...I will do it at some point because my want for another child overrides it, but I'm not looking forward to that bit.

DD is 18 months old at the moment and I love the toddler phase right now though!

AGnu · 16/03/2016 00:23

I want more. DH doesn't. I can see his reasons but I ache for the opportunity to do it all again. I always rolled my eyes when people said things like that but it's such an intense feeling that I don't seem to be able to squash. I've actually fantasised about DH leaving us & me finding someone else who does want more... not that I'll tell DH that, I'd never actually leave/want him to, I just really want a baby! Every time I even think about babies I feel like I should be breastfeeding. Hated bf-ing my 2 DC! Confused

crispytruffle · 16/03/2016 00:52

I have two children but I always worry about whether I will regret not having anymore. My labours were tough and I don't think I could go through it all again. I love newborns but the sleepless night put me off... if I could pop out a four year old I'd have another one of those!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 16/03/2016 01:31

Timely thread for me as Dh and I are discussing this now.

We have DD, nearly 4, we adore her, but pregnancy, labour, birth and pnd were hell for me. Dh too.

But I just don't know if I'm done.

So maybe not yet?

jlivingstone · 16/03/2016 01:42

Finances.

There's no way we could afford school fees for a third! Partly in jest, but we want to have enough money for nice family holidays and the like and a third would hamper that. We have quite a few visitors and therefore a 4 bed house with a room each for the boys and a guest room is what we can afford and need.

I'm a strong believer in having the size family you can afford. If I won the lottery I'd definitely want another.

Of course we could manage financially with a third but there are other considerations such as time - we're busy enough with two. Also, two (4 and 18 months) are manageable by one parent or our nanny when the other needs / wants time to themselves but you still feel exhausted. Wouldn't like a 2 1/2, 5 and baby to cope with!

71HourAchmed · 16/03/2016 01:58

For me it was a horrendous 2nd pregnancy (really awful morning sickness, SPD so I was on crutches, whooping cough, placenta praevia, placenta acccreta, hospitalised from 23.5 weeks to 30.4 when DD was born)...at the end of which both I and DD nearly died.

I'd quite like another child, but I never ever ever ever ever want to be pregnant again - I don't want to put myself or DH (or the rest of the family) through it. To be honest, in my case, once I was diagnosed with placenta accreta I was told a hysterectomy was highly likely (although didn't in the end happen), and I kind of made my peace with it then.

lertgush · 16/03/2016 02:16

*It is incredibly strange to me that you think you have to feel that you don't want more children.

I would have thought that would be the default, and that wanting more children would be the state that requires a feeling.*

THIS!

lertgush · 16/03/2016 02:18

I think I only had the third because I was too tired and befuddled to remember what hard work pregnancy and babyhood was.

BrainSurgeon · 16/03/2016 04:31

I always wanted two children.... until I had DS.
Still don't know exactly why - could be the horrid birth, problems with feeding DS and probably an undiagnosed depression - but since DD was born I never felt the desire for a second child.
DH is gutted but I can't help it. It's very hard to explain, even to myself - so I understand your predicament OP - but I just don't want to have another child.
I understand what Trills says and I think that's probably the norm. In my case, not wanting another child is an actual feeling Sad

BrainSurgeon · 16/03/2016 04:32

Bugger those typos - sorry I didn't mean DD, I only have a DS

possum18 · 16/03/2016 05:24

Probably when I found out I was pregnant with twin boys, I'm so excited for them to be here anytime now but petrified of getting pregnant again and having another set of twins!

curren · 16/03/2016 05:39

I just don't want anymore. I just know I don't want a small baby again. I don't want that level of responsibility again. My kids get themseleves up and dressed. They don't have to be watched ever minute of the day etc.

When people have babies I think they are lovely but have no inclination o have another at all.

Jenijena · 16/03/2016 05:46

We were trying for two years. Last summer, we were on holiday and both independently were thinking 'DS is 3, it's getting easier, we're getting a bit of sleep, we're out of nappies... Maybe we should just accept that this is it and stop waiting for it to happen.'

Hmm. that holiday was 36 weeks ago and I'm due in two weeks.

We've not decided yet if this is our last. Certainly this pregnancy has been much easier and I won't be throwing out my maternity clothes the moment they aren't needed.

Stanky · 16/03/2016 05:54

I was very ill throughout both of my pregnancies. It wouldn't be fair on my family for me to be out of action for 9 months, as well as back and forth to the hospital constantly.

I have depression, in waves, and when I'm really down I can't cope. DS2 has many SN, and I just think that I have enough on my plate atm.

I have made my peace with not having any more. If I found out that I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be pretty upset.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 16/03/2016 06:00

I didn't really decide. Just was too tired with DD and got too old.

heron98 · 16/03/2016 06:08

I don't have any kids through choice. I used to wonder if deep down I did want them until I had a pregnancy scare. Peeing on that stick and waiting for the result I was so certain I really wanted it to be negative!

LastOneDancing · 16/03/2016 06:12

I had our second DS last week.
I'm 37 and have had two straightforward pregnancies and two perfect boys. I consider myself extremely, extremely lucky and to have any more would be pushing my luck too far.
Plus all the practicalities - we can afford two comfortably, we have the time and the space, we all fit in the car etc.
I absolutely might want another in future but I can say with 99% confidence that our family is complete. To have anymore would be me being selfish.

barnet · 16/03/2016 06:13

I know because I would be SO disapointed and annoyed and pissed off if i accidentally got pregnant. I have nightmares about it. I have 2 and they are fab, but birth and babyhood were awful for them and me, they are now getting more independant and we have great adventures together (7and 9), we can do things like ski or skate or swim as a family instead of needing one adult to stay behind. I would resent being pregnant again. And i also am soooo happy to be able to sleep whole nights. They were very bad sleepers.

KeyserSophie · 16/03/2016 06:25

Not sure- I just knew when I was pregnant with DD that she'd be my last. I had a flicker of doubt when I stopped breastfeeding but I think that was hormonal as I went from "definitely no more" to "MUST GET PREGNANT NOW" and then 72 hrs later I was back to "definitely no more". So glad I didnt act on it. The bit I find really tedious is 1-3 yrs when they can move but have zero common sense and you have to watch them all the time. I have no interest in doing that again. Definitely find them more fun now they're 6&4.

MoonDuke · 16/03/2016 06:30

DH wants a third. In theory I do but in reality I am not prepared for the sacrifice.

I've had 2 horrendous pregnancies (so missed the best part of 9 months of DS1's life) Awful birth with DS2, followed by a rare complication needing 3 months of treatment and risking my life.

We've had 2 terrible sleepers (DS1 first slept through aged 3 years cos of severe reflux) and DS2 still isn't consistently sleeping through aged 22 months.

I get frequent migraines (2 a week atm) and just couldn't cope with a third child.

I don't really mind though DH would be thrilled if I said yes to a third. I've got rid of all the baby stuff to make sure I don't crack as DS2 gets older and easier!

Honeyandfizz · 16/03/2016 06:33

I had 2 dc in a year. I knew without a doubt a year later that my baby days were done. I also dream of being pg and wake up massively relieved it was a dream!

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