to think DH should pay for holidays, cars, nights out etc...

[Wiggletastic]

when he earns three times as much as me and we split all other bills? I also do 80% of childcare, household chores and organising of everything in our lives (I work the equivalent of 4 days and he works full-time). He has seriously pissed me off stating that I should pay for myself for holidays and he will only pay for him and DD. He has pointed out that I can afford to go for nights out and weekends with my friends so could put this cash towards a holiday instead. I think if I work hard and provide a nice easy life for him and DD, then I'm entitled to have the odd night out.

[eatsleephockeyrepeat]

Do you have some kind of crazy pre-nup?

I'll tell you why I ask: as it stands you could currently go out and take out loads of loans, bang thousands on credit cards and holiday wherever you want! Can't pay? That's okay, you're married, they can go after your husband for that. He's narked and wants to divorce you for financially stitching him? No worries, you can have 50% of EVERYTHING!!

...unless you signed something ludicrous...

Seriously, take the power back. You're an equal partner in a marriage, you shouldn't have to grovel for pocket money.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

You know that on divorce 50% of your family assets are yours right?

I never get why married people don't share when they are married and presumably like each other. As they would have to if they divorce and end up hating each other.

[Babyroobs]

Very odd that he shouldn't want to pay for a family holiday. In our household all money is shared. Try calling his bluff and saying that you won't be going and that he can take dd on his own.

[AlpacaPicnic]

YY to what Tendon said. He can pay for him and your dd to go on holiday. Then he can look after her all the time, entertain her, feed her, stay sober all the time, organise her packing, organise her passport etc...

You could rent a nice little cottage somewhere and take books and wine. (I am doing this next weekend and I cannot wait!)

[Krampus]

Insane

I like the idea of saying you can't afford the holiday with a sweet smile and suggest he take dd on his own.

[cosytoaster]

I hate this kind of meanness. It tells me everything I need to know about a person

^ this. You are married, all your money should be joint. Why would yu even want to go on holiday with the miserable twat?

[Oysterbabe]

We have separate and a joint account. We earned the same amount and each paid an agreed sum into joint to cover the bills leaving us with equal amounts to spend. I'm on maternity now and will be returning part time after. We now pay a proportionate amount based on income into the joint account leaving us both with equal amounts to spend. Neither of us would be happy for the other to struggle.
Your DH is a twat.

[HermioneWeasley]

FFS, all money is family money. End of.

He sounds awful, why are you with him?

[Goingtobeawesome]

Out at 8 and back by 6? That's not that big a deal.

My DH leaves at 7 and is back about 6:30-7 but when he's here he does what needs to be done with the kids. If there was no dinner he would just do it. Partnership.

[snakeface]

Hi Wiggletastic, have you shown him this thread?
Not that he would necessarily take on board the views of various 'man hating harpies' as I'm sure he would label us. But maybe, just maybe it might dawn on him that he is no longer single, living with his parents and that as part of a family you have to share?
Is he an only child? (sorry if that is offensive to caring sharing only children :'{)

[shazzarooney99]

Do you know what id be tempted to do? i would be tempted to say im sorry i cannot afford to go on holiday, let him take the daughter and look after her, he will soon pay for you next time and you get a proper rest too!!!

[Jux]

So providing childcare from awakening to sleeping every day does not count?
Providing a well run home, clean and organised, is not work?
Providing meals 3 times a day, every day is not work?

Is it only 'work' if it's paid? Provide him with a detailed invoice every day.

Stop doing his washing, stop picking up his clothes, just kick them into a pile under the bed. Don't cook for him, don't shop for him, don't buy his travel tickets or sort his hotel for those holidays. He can do all that himself.

Tell him you want to work ft now, as you are paying far more then your share and need to earn more. Tell him he needs to sort out childcare/pick ups/drop offs/child entertainment for half the week.

[JolseBaby]

Out by 8 and back by 6? Awww bloody diddums.

I'm out at 6:30 and not back until 7:30/8:00. It's the nature of the beast. It doesn't stop me doing my fair share round the house though.

[winchester1]

Not half the week, he has several yrs to pay you back for first.

[BikeRunSki]

I'd charge him for nannying and housekeeping duties.

[Inertia]

Sounds financially abusive to me.

[peggyundercrackers]

You are enabling him to go out to work and earn 3 times as much as you do. Ergo, you are entitled to half his money!

That's right by staying at home I make sure he can work longer hours and then take half his money.

jux OP doesn't do childcare from wake til sleep time because their kids are at school most of the day...school do most of the childcare.

OP I think it would be better to go for a role reversal - you go to work FT and then your DH can go part time and you can give him all your money! I'm all for equality.

[WhoTheFuckIsSimon]

My Dh is the same. Refuses to go on holiday (summer type holiday) with me and dd as he says it's boring. I took dd to Egypt years ago and asked him to pay for dds ticket as I work part time and he earns 3x what I do. He refused and said if I was taking her on holiday I had to pay. Ive also paid for numerous Center parc trips and camping holidays which he refuses to come on.

He goes abroad doing a sport based holiday with friends once or twice a year.

Ive only gone abroad once as I can't afford it.

Couple of years ago I inherited some money and rather than spend it on a couple of holidays I spent it all on a caravan as I figurerd me and dd would get more holidays out of it. Didn't tell him I was buying it, still haven't told him how much it cost even though he keeps asking! Don't think he's very happy.....tough shit.

Yanbu at all but if he's anything like my Dh he won't change. Tell him you can't afford to go and that you will stay home and he can go with dd. See if that makes him realise! Or tell him you will all have to go camping in derbyshire as its all you can afford and see if he likes that!

[whaleshark]

I absolutely do not agree with the idea that the only way is that all money is family money. That winds me up a bit. I do however, think that any arrangement needs to be fair to both parties, and your set up is clearly in no way fair to you. Your DH clearly does not value your input into the family, and your DD will see that as she grows up. I hope you can find a fairer way to arrange things, and persuade your DH to see reason!

[VulcanWoman]

Tell him he can stick the holiday where the sun doesn't shine.

[expatinscotland]

I'd get a FT job. And then leave his financially abusive arse, get my own place and move an au pair in to help with the childcare.

I will never understand people who live like this.

[Wiggletastic]

The holiday is already booked, it was booked 8 months ago, we go away in 9 weeks. He says he told me when we booked it that I should pay my share, but this is utter nonsense, he agreed to pay for it as his current contract is so well paid (he is self employed). If we had agreed to me paying for myself, I wouldn't have paid for all joint Christmas presents, including all his family, and I wouldn't have booked and paid for a weekend away with him and DD later this month, as I wouldn't have been able to afford it. He has brought this up now as he is feeling hard done by paying the holiday all by himself, I think mainly because I spend (my own money, leftover from my salary after having paid my share of joint costs) on more nights out and things with my friends than he does (he doesn't have many friends who live close by). I am also going away for a long weekend with friends later in the year that I am paying for myself. He thinks if I can afford that then I could afford to pay towards the holiday instead. He stormed off in a temper when I didn't agree with his point of view on all this.

[Cabrinha]

Hang on...

He earns 3x what you earn?
And you split all bills? Is that on a 1/3 and 2/3 basis then?

And he thinks you should pay one person of 3 for holidays / cars / nights out?

Let's not hang him just yet.

The key thing is disposable income after all other bills. If you're paying 2/3 and 1/3 then he'll have more disposable income and that's not fair. Not everyone wants to pool money into one account - I don't - but many want to even it up so individual accounts have half each.

How exactly are you splitting it now? Are all bills 2/3 and 1/3?

[DrivingMissLazy1]

I struggle to understand this way of thinking. The topic seems to crop up a lot on MN. You're married, surely everything should be shared? There shouldn't be so much resentment about how money is divided.

[expatinscotland]

You paid for all the joint Xmas presents?

Wiggle just tell him you are not going on the holiday. He goes with DD alone.

This guy's a fucking twat. You do realise that, don't you?