to think DH should pay for holidays, cars, nights out etc...

[Wiggletastic]

when he earns three times as much as me and we split all other bills? I also do 80% of childcare, household chores and organising of everything in our lives (I work the equivalent of 4 days and he works full-time). He has seriously pissed me off stating that I should pay for myself for holidays and he will only pay for him and DD. He has pointed out that I can afford to go for nights out and weekends with my friends so could put this cash towards a holiday instead. I think if I work hard and provide a nice easy life for him and DD, then I'm entitled to have the odd night out.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

And I should have said that after your bills are apportioned and you've given yourselves a personal allowance all money should be pooled into a family/ household fund - his and anything remaining of yours.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Your H doesn't seem to value you much op, is this a new thing or has he always been the same?

I earn 2x dh's salary and started a thread a while back because I was concerned I was being financially abusive. In reality my earnings have overtaken dh's in the 12 years we've been together and we'd never reassessed the split of bills. We have separate bank accounts, but we sat down and apportioned all bills according to our earnings, gave ourselves a small allowance each (the same amount) for nights out/ hobbies and everything else now goes into a joint account which all birthday and Christmas presents come from (for both our extended families, his dd and our ds), clothes and school trips etc for ds, family holidays and all 'joint' expenditure.

He does work longer hours in total because he commutes and I mostly work from home, so although I wouldn't say household chores are split exactly 50/50 (purely on a practical level it's easier for me to keep on top of things during my lunchtime when I work from home) he does a lot around the home, including sharing childcare drop offs and pick ups and his flexible working arrangement means he has ds on Mondays after school while I work.

We value each other's contribution and respect each other.

Have you really spoken about everything, listened to each other and tried to re-work your finances along fairer lines or is he completely closed to a discussion? It doesn't sound like a fair split on the face of it and I'm interested to know if you have access to the bank account he's stashing all his money in over and above bills etc. I would be suggesting to him that it becomes a 'household' fund and that you each have the same amount of personal allowance each month. Then it's up to you both how you spend it and there should be no sniping either way.

[SharkBastard]

My husband earns 4x my wage, we have a joint bank account, I deal with bills and savings, we both have full access to the monies. We are a partnership, we don't see ourselves or the other as in charge.

This needs to be addressed, and sharpish.

[Katarzyna79]

I may be wrong but it is a greed issue, people who have money want more and get big headed and selfish with it. I have 1 bro who earns a lot of money, his new wife is preg after more than 10 years of no kids, she wants to chill out been working all her life. she can afford to easily too on my brothers income its not an issue. he said he was fine. But now shes near the end of pregnancy he's telling her to work. Put new born in care wtf for when they have ample money? it stinks of greed to me. If money was tight i'd understand. Or if she was career minded or depressed and wanted to return to work, but neither applies here.

if you tell him come home bit early sis in law complaining new wife, she wants to spend time with you, oh money doesn't grow on trees I need to work. truth is his work is flexi he can work from home too, and no distractions no kids running around. hes not happy with the money he has, he wants more, and wants his wife to work for more too. that way she pays for her stuff his money is saved, really sad. those sort of folks take their money to their grave with them.


he is very generous with his money when he wants to be, but when he makes comments like the above it really makes me wonder is he really?

your husband sounds greedy and selfish like this sadly, makes me really angry

[Earlyday]

DH earns almost 3 times what I earn

Both our salaries get paid in full into our joint account. All of the money is our money.

We have no other account other than a joint savings account.

All our direct debits get taken out of our joint account. Whatever is left can be saved or spent as needs be.

At another point in our lives DH was unemployed while I was working - and at that time my salary was our money - DH and me could spent it as we saw fit so long as we had enough to pay for bills and food etc.

[Katarzyna79]

I hope all men aren't like this I am trying to keep a positive outlook but I really am beginning to think the majority of men have this attitude. so what if they come back from work at 6pm? women who work and those who are stay at home mums don't get to put their feet up come 6pm that's when hell begins. the men with your partners attitude will be chilling whilst their wives or g/f are getting dinner ready, feeding kids, bathing. That is not right or fair but a lot of women like me tolerate it for bloody love.

if my husband suggested what your partner did with regards to money that would be a deal breaker for me, bad enough I do everything he would otherwise have to pay for to then tell me, I should pay for luxuries when he earns more, well what kind of partnership is that?

my sis works full time comes home and does everything I do, except she has fewer kids than me and theyre older. but I couldn't imagine doing what I do and working part time, right now I feel like I'm on my last leg. your partner like male figures in my life sounds very ungrateful but hes on another level very selfish to separate money the way he's suggesting. this is going to really test your relationship, it could even ruin it.

[futuremrsstinson]

This is bollocks OP. Even me and my boyfriend (of 3 years granted) shares his money with me. No kids and no immediate plans to have them or to get married.

We have our direct debits set up for rent etc and this is split as evenly as possible. We both decide how much free money we can have in each month and whatever we get to spend is ours to spend and the rest hoes on bills, rent, holiday savings etc. It varies month to month as unexpected things pop up- he sacrifices having some extra money if something unexpected comes up with me (eg last month my car needed 3 new tyres) and I do the same for him.

Sit down with your DH. Work out your outgoings. Set aside some money to save for family holidays. Agree on whats a fair amount of money for personal spends a month (ie things that are for YOU, not for the family) and each of you keep it and spend it how you want. If he wants to spend it on you and your DD- thats his choice. Doesnt mean you should and you certainly shouldnt be guilted into it

[2rebecca]

People make a big deal about the "foresaking all others" bit of the marriage vows and think an affair is death to a marriage but ignore the "with my worldly goods I thee endow" bit.
If you love someone you should want to share your stuff with them. I couldn't be in a marriage with someone that mean.

[jamdonut]

Surely , in a marriage, any money from work is joint income ? Whether one or both of you works!
Therefore there should be no argument over who pays for what...

I've managed for 26 years Ike this...even when my DH was made redundant, (3 times!) the money coming in didn't suddenly become mine, it was still ours! And vice versa, when I was between jobs. OUR money pays the bills/expenditure, not his or mine.

[figureofspeech]

The reason why he can work full-time is because you work part time and pick up the house keeping duties. Is he too thick to understand this basic thing? Either you both work full time or part time and pick up the slack in the house.

How will he explain your absence on a family holiday to your dd? Will he admit to his dd that you couldn't afford it and he refused to pay for you? His attitude is really disturbing, is his father like this?

[Pinkheart5915]

Me and my hubby have all our money go in to joint accounts and all bills etc just come out via direct debits and holiday are paid from the joint account

[Iwantmymaidennameback]

Makes no odds if you are a man or a woman, so what's your point exactly Dad1?

[Dad1point0]

Well what an interesting - and one-sided - thread on here this is.

Is this the way that advice is meted out on Mumsnet? Hear one side of the story and demand some bloke is divorced and wrung for all he has (or doesn't have). There are a couple of posts in here looking at a - potential - other side, but the majority of you have just jumped on the "facts" of the OP and taken an immediate side.

I wonder if any of you would have a different view if it was found that the DH paid for 3/4 of house bills, has paid off one car and is paying off a second car, was paying off recently and not-so-recently bought furniture, paid for the nights out (of his DW) and family on expenses and was left with absolutely no disposable income himself at the end of each month to go out and enjoy himself with the one friend he has within 50 miles. I also wonder if any of you would be concerned if he had no pension or savings and was struggling with his job and his future whilst trying to provide a fun environment for their DD - despite feeling pretty down about things over the winter - and is struggling to come to terms with the fact that he may have to work away from his home in a few months because the work may dry up close to home? I wonder, if he's trying desperately to find something useful to do for the community and learning a new skill and taking time off work to give something back to children in the local community to help him feel more fulfilled, would any of you change your view?

I wonder, when posters post on here suggesting that DH is a waste of space and he should be kicked into touch... ...I wonder if they actually care about families and being supportive or if... ...is it just about voyeurism?

Of course, the internet is full of opinionated people quick to make judgements based on the - clearly frustrated - OP's points, but... isn't there another view?

If it were me, I'd bear all this in mind when I'm out of work and can do housework and childcare full time whilst penniless. If it were me, I certainly wouldn't spend £4.5k - myself - on a Florida holiday either.

[notmyproblem]

peggy are you the DH?

You seem to be about as delusional as he is when it comes to work/hours/money/effort and family finances.

OP it's a near unanimous YANBU here. You know you're not being unreasonable. But you do need to think about where you're going to go from here. This is not a life you want to keep leading, with a tight selfish mean twat of a man and your daughter growing up watching and learning. You need to make changes soon.

[Iwantmymaidennameback]

Spot on sleeponeday.

[sleeponeday]

Or more simply: most of her labour supports their shared family. Most of his supports his own bank balance.

That is a very unfair marriage.

[sleeponeday]

Peggy the argument would work if the OP paid less towards family costs in recognition that she is taking an earnings hit by providing a lot more care for the kids and household. That would be a fair split of labour and money. As it is, he has a large (and lifelong) career and money advantage because she is shouldering the family load, and he is pocketing every penny of that and then whining crossly if expected to treat her to a single annual holiday.

She isn't taking a day off, one day a week. She's providing childcare and getting the house, bills, "wifework" sorted. Do you think he sorts playdates, liaises with schools/nurseries, remembers birthdays, buys clothes and shoes, etc etc? Or will that be her, on top of cooking/cleaning/washing and ironing and sorting, etc etc etc? She is working as hard as he is, for their mutual family, but he is expecting her to fund that via a pay cut of a day's salary, when he is a massively bigger earner. That is not fair, and not okay.

[Canyouforgiveher]

listen the way I see it is OP does 80% of the house stuff, he does 20% - there is an imbalance. In terms of paid work OP works 4 days, her DH works 5 days - so in terms of paid work he does 20% more - there is an imbalance.

That he does more paid work is irrelevant to the imbalance since she gets no benefit from it (the entire point of her post) so her imbalance of housework/childcare is still hanging out there - he is getting a way better deal than his wife.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I couldn't go to work and do my job if I didn't fund that.

I would save a fortune if I had a SAHP

[peggyundercrackers]

Needsasock I work too and pay for childcare and a cleaner and know what it costs thanks.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

peggy

Yep loads of single parents work.

I do and whilst I do I pay epic amounts for childcare and £15ph for a cleaner

[Petal02]

This thread reminds me of my ex-h. He earned 2.5 times what I did, and everything was still split 50/50 - mortgage, bills, holidays etc etc. My salary would go into the bank, and by the time I'd paid my half of everything, I was almost skint within a few days of being paid. He would occasionally lend me money for petrol, which would go on a tab, and I'd have to pay him back next payday, but this just meant I was even more skint - a downward spiral.

I once asked my Dad for petrol money, he obliged, but has since said he was horrified my ex was so mean. Sometimes my ex would get into a real strop if I couldn't afford to go out for a meal; this meant we wouldn't go out, even though he could easily afford to pay for me.

He had it all worked out though; if we had a child (we didn't, thankfully), I'd go back to work ASAP (maternity pay wouldn't cover my share of the bills, even though he could afford the shortfall ...... ) and the child would be cared for, full time, by his mother, who was in the mid-stages of dementia, and couldn't tell the difference between a baby and a toaster ......

It's not hard to see why we're no longer together!

My new husband and I pool our finances. And it works.

[BeakyAndBun]

Peggy- I don't understand your 10% deficit figure at all. I would think an even way to do things would be to say DH is doing 50 hours a week at work. If OP does 50 hours of work between paid work and family work (for want of a better word), then that seems fair. For me it comes down to leisure time more than income. In a partnership, you both want to feel like you are contributing more or less the same amount but I think income is not the right way to judge this and can only lead to resentment! Part-time work is typically less well paid, with fewer opportunities for career progression. If one partner sacrifices some of their current and future earning potential to look after children and the home, enabling the other to pursue a full-time career and everything that can entail in terms of more money, perks, job satisfaction, then it is simply unfair to penalise them financially by saying "I earn more so I keep more." It would seem to me therefore that the fairest way to do things is to share all money coming into the home as family income, and for both partners to have roughly the same amount of leisure time. If one has a really demanding job or a disability or circumstances change temporarily for say pregnancy, illness or whatever then one partner might take on more but I think if you love someone you want to work together as a unit to give the whole family the best quality of life!

[browneyedgirl1974]

Absolutely blonde

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

Tell him that in order to maximise your income (so that you can afford holidays), that you are going Full Time 8am-6pm. Childcare will now have to be provided by an after school club/childminder and also you'll need a cleaner. These 2 new bills will have to be split 50/50.

I wouldn't mean it, but let him figure out the implications.

IMO, once you have kids all money should be shared.

Here's the vital point that he is missing: you have reduced your hours in order to undertake childcare and most of the household chores. This is why you earn less. You didn't cut your hours because you fancied a Spa Day once a week, FFS.

I earn more than my DH. We don't share kids. I have still paid for his hols quite a few times, because we both work hard (in fact he works a lot harder than me), and that's what you do if you love someone.