to think DH should pay for holidays, cars, nights out etc...

[Wiggletastic]

when he earns three times as much as me and we split all other bills? I also do 80% of childcare, household chores and organising of everything in our lives (I work the equivalent of 4 days and he works full-time). He has seriously pissed me off stating that I should pay for myself for holidays and he will only pay for him and DD. He has pointed out that I can afford to go for nights out and weekends with my friends so could put this cash towards a holiday instead. I think if I work hard and provide a nice easy life for him and DD, then I'm entitled to have the odd night out.

[TheCraicDealer]

Yes so in that case his "spends" every month is the same as her gross salary plus a little bit more. If for example he takes home £2,000 and she £1,000 and both are paying £750 into the pot, she's left with £250 and he's got £1,250. And then he gripes that she can't afford to go on holiday, or help out with car repairs or anything else she mentioned in her title On what planet is that in any way fair?

[embo1]

Get a joint bank account.
That is all.

[rookiemere]

Take him at his word. Tell him to enjoy his holiday with DD. He'll need to get used to doing solo holidays with his DD.

Seriously even if he does pony up, which I suspect he will once he understands the implications if he doesn't ( he'll have to parent his own child, people will query the situation and he'll come across rightly as mean and weird) then why would you want to be with such a person.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

What gets me is that men earn more and yet there is a 'tax' on being female (higher costs). So everyone who thinks that bills should be 50% is saying that the vast majority of men in the world should have more disposable money than women. Just because. Even though women tend to spend more on children. And do more housework.

[Canyouforgiveher]

She works less hours so it's only fair she picks up more of the house stuff.

Actually it sounds like ALL of the household stuff. And where did that rule come from? If you work less hours you clean more toilets? Who knew?

She contributes to half of all bills, does all childcare (and yes there is a shit load of childcare with a school age child), all household admin, all housework and that is fair because she works less hours?

I think if she worked less hours and earned the same money, people would think he owed her for childcare/housework etc. It is because she is earning less that people on here (and her husband) regard her as some kind of freeloader - because although she is contributing exactly the same amount as the husband is, she is regarded as less worthy because she is earning less.

I wouldn't want to go on holidays with anyone who thought like this - still less be married to them.

[roundaboutthetown]

He's either a generally morose, antisocial, tight fisted bastard who thinks income is the sole measurement of someone's worth, or is currently a bit depressed, stressed and feeling resentful. The former is an incurable character flaw, the latter situation is potentially resolvable.

[Iwantmymaidennameback]

I think he sounds like the former.

[Cabrinha]

OP hasn't actually said how she's ended up paying 50% of the bills on considerably less income.
I'm stunned that she has found this acceptable and only now is railing against the holiday cost

[Xmasbaby11]

You need a joint bank account and agree how much is fair for each of you to put into it. And discuss what things come out of the joint account and what is individual.

I thought everyone did this. DH and I did this as soon as we moved in together. There have definitely been changes through two maternity leaves and my reducing my hours at work, but that is the basic model.

It shouldn't be he pays for this and that, making it seem as if he is generously lavishing his money on his family. It should be family money.

[peggyundercrackers]

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut people tend to speak about earnings in gross figures all the time, you wouldn't go to a job interview and expect them to tell you what your net earnings would be would you? Look at a job advert and it's all figures based on your gross earnings.

canyouforgiveher OP has said she does about 80% of the work in the house not it all. Who said what I wrote was a rule? Who knew...

[Canyouforgiveher]

Who said what I wrote was a rule? Who knew...

YOU said she works less hours so it is only fair that ... seems like a rule for you - one you were happy to impose on the OP's situation.

[temporaryusername]

peggy you say you can't pay for anything with childcare and housework, but you can pay for things with the money you save through not having to employ someone to do childcare and housework.

It reminds me of this documentary I saw about a polygamist who wanted one of his wives to work to contribute, then he realised that paying someone to do the childcare and other things that would be needed if she returned to work was actually more than his total salary. So her doing those things was actually allowing him to pay for everything he ever bought. To be fair she was looking after the children of his other wives I think.

[houseHuntinginmanchester]

Put it this way op, if my dh wasn't insisting on paying for such things, I would feel like something isn't right.
You need to re-organise all of your finances. I don't know how but I know you must.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

Yet another 'couple' who see it as your money /my money, your contribution/my contribution .
I could never have married a man who didn't agree all income went into the same pot . When we married, he earned twice what I did. Over the years I was for a while the only/ major bread winner, latterly we both earned roughly the same. He has inherited quite a lot of money. Every penny has always been ours. I've always had my own bank account but what went into it was not related to how much I personally earned .
Nearly every couple I know operates in the same way-certainly the long and happily married do . You need a discussion and some changes

[sleeponeday]

He doesn't really earn 3times her salary - that's probably the gross figure so after tax it's likely he only earns just over double what she does.

So it's probably when it goes against her, and "she doesn't do all the household stuff" when it doesn't? That sounds... balanced.

The reality is this: a couple have divided the household chores according to who works fewer hours. Fair enough. But in that case, they should be dividing the bills according to who earns most. The current system is heads he wins, tails she loses. I'm not sure what planet someone would need to reside upon to regard that as fair.

[sleeponeday]

Incidentally, Peggy, if you concede he still earns more than double what she does, whatever figure she is quoting for his salary, why are you also not conceding that it is 1) daft to pretend he has more money due to more careful budgeting, and 2) not acknowledging that he can't on the one hand expect her to match his financial contributions, and on the other say he shouldn't have to match her domestic ones?

He's being a shit, quite frankly. I won't say he is one, because I don't know the bloke, but on this particular point his behaviour is quite definitely shitty.

[Lightbulbon]

Are you with my ex??

He is controlling and abusive.

You shouldn't be exposing dd to his behaviour.

Do you want her to grow up thinking this is normal?

[roundaboutthetown]

If he had more time, would he do more housework, or would he say he shouldn't have to, because he earns more (even though he isn't willing to share it)?

To be fair, Wiggletastic said he is self-employed and it's only his current contract that is so well paid. He may go through good times and lean times, with the averaging out coming to fairly similar incomes, hence the current split. Personally, I think his and her money for household and family expenses is ridiculous, but some couples are like that. The problem here is lack of effective communication - OP has assumed he will pay for the holiday, but clearly it was never properly discussed and he is, for whatever reason, currently thinking that she is happy and having fun and he is feeling miserable and taken for granted. Wiggle needs to remind him of all the things she does that he takes for granted and find out why he is feeling so peeved and miserable.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

If he was single he'd have to make time for housework and laundry and cooking and I'm sure he wouldn't starve or wear dirty clothes, put it that way

[jay55]

Bill him for his half the Christmas gifts and extra childcare stuff and the cleaning and childcare.

[bumblefeline]

Your DH is financially controlling OP.

In the 16 or so years DH and I have been together I have only worked for maybe half of them and he has always given the children and I every last penny. Currently he ears four times my salary, but he doesn't begrudge me a penny.

He recently received a inheritance, the first thing he did was ask what the children and I needed.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

Oh thank you so much for explaining gross salaries and how job adverts work to me Peggy while spectacularly missing the point I was making.

[peggyundercrackers]

listen the way I see it is OP does 80% of the house stuff, he does 20% - there is an imbalance. In terms of paid work OP works 4 days, her DH works 5 days - so in terms of paid work he does 20% more - there is an imbalance.

so if they both worked the same hours there would still be a small imbalance of 10% in my mind.

As round pointed out her DH is self employed and this is his best paying contract - who is to say that's going to carry on? Has OP only considered his day rate as being 3 times her salary - has she even considered his tax bill at the end of the year? how long will his contract last for? what if his salary drops to the same as hers next time?

there isn't enough info from OP to decide shes right and hes wrong or is being abusive. To me it sounds like hes earning a bit more cash now and OP has ££ signs in her eyes and he thinks stuff that - maybe the past has been tough and hes a glass half empty person whereas OP wants to spend spend spend. I suspect the other side of the story would be completely different...

[Theoretician]

An arrangement where everyone pays their own way isn't necessarily wrong. What may be going wrong here is that OP and her husband are setting attributing different value to certain non-financial things.

For example: she may do all housework, childcare and cooking, but it's perfectly possible that even after that he is worse off (with regard to those things viewed in isolation) than if he lived alone and looked after himself.

The OP needs to threaten to maximise her earnings, go out to work five days a week. We need to know if she's really keen to do that, or is there a benefit to her shorter working week that is not being counted? We need to know what he thinks about paying 50% of the costs of bills for outside supply of childcare and cleaning. Was he equally keen on having children? If not, he probably won't share the presumption that he ought to pay 50% of the cost. Is the housekeeping she is doing leaving him better off than he would be living alone? Or is she the untidy one in the relationship, so he would be paying for someone to clean up after her?

(Nothing to suggest this is the way things are, just suggesting a scenario that would put a different slant on things.)