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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should pay for holidays, cars, nights out etc...

183 replies

Wiggletastic · 08/02/2016 18:45

when he earns three times as much as me and we split all other bills? I also do 80% of childcare, household chores and organising of everything in our lives (I work the equivalent of 4 days and he works full-time). He has seriously pissed me off stating that I should pay for myself for holidays and he will only pay for him and DD. He has pointed out that I can afford to go for nights out and weekends with my friends so could put this cash towards a holiday instead. I think if I work hard and provide a nice easy life for him and DD, then I'm entitled to have the odd night out.

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 08/02/2016 21:03

He clearly resents you more than he loves you, OP.

That's what I would think too.

He also resents you having friends and a social life - actually I think that is a big part of what is going on here. He wants you to cancel your weekends away.

Meanness and resentment of your friendships are the exact two traits my mother told me to avoid like the plague in a man (never marry a mean man or a jealous man). She was right.

You constantly hear on MN that "you are your own family now" on in-law and Christmas threads etc. Except it seems for a sizeable group of women, they aren't in "your own family now" but are in an arrangement which is like a house share with joint children. I'm also amazed at how many women on threads like these comment as if the lower earning spouse is out to screw the higher earning one, fleece him for all he has. What kind of relationships do people have? Don't they marry people they actually like??

Original poster
Wiggletastic · 08/02/2016 21:05

roundabouthetown, your post is interesting, I do think he sometimes resents me going out with my friends but I do also go out with him, and with him and DD quite often. Only if I organise it though. He vary rarely arranges anything for us, thats all up to me. If I didn't then I doubt we would do very much together or as a family. Although he doesn't have many friends nearby that are just 'his friends', we have joint friends, mainly other families and we go out with them, again usually only when I organise it. When DD was little, I very rarely went anywhere without her but we discussed and agreed a couple of years ago that we should try to get a bit more of our 'lives back' and do other stuff that didn't involve her. This has mostly meant me doing stuff and not him but thats his choice.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 08/02/2016 21:06

There is that, expat. Grin However, I don't think we have enough info. Unless the OP is extremely well paid, I get the impression she may be saving very little of her income, whereas he is trying to be prudent and save. They sound like they are living very separate lives, financially speaking, and that her attitude to spending and saving is building up huge resentment on his part.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/02/2016 21:06

If can't imagine living with such a cock. Oh no, hang on I can and I wouldn't like it.

The op's contribution may not have a price on it but it has a value and without her unpaid labour to keep the household going her dh could not have the working arrangement he does and the home and child he has.

She's keeping her end up of the deal by contributing her unpaid labour and 50% of costs to the household and he's not matching it by just contributing 50% costs. He's short on the labour side of things so to make it equitable he should stump up some more cash and she should reduce hers so the total contribution each makes is the same.

I'd say that regardless of what sex/gender of any party involved. When you're a family with children you count contributions in money and time, not just money.

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 21:06

Thecraic yep I don't disagree with that, what I disagree with is having your cake and eating it - OP can't have it both ways.

roundaboutthetown · 08/02/2016 21:08

Sorry, cross post, Wiggle. If I were you, I would be talking to your dh - his stance reeks of building resentment!

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 21:11

"The op's contribution may not have a price on it but it has a value and without her unpaid labour to keep the household going her dh could not have the working arrangement he does and the home and child he has."

Maybe he doesn't want to work FT - how do we know he wants this kind of arrangement? We only have 1 side of the story...

mybabywakesupsinging · 08/02/2016 21:15

I work. DH does not work at present for reasons to do with our children.
We have never had "my" money and "your" money, either now, or when DH was working (when he earned more than me....).
DH keeps an eye on our bank balances to make sure there is enough there for essentials. Beyond that - it's our money for our family. Either can spend it on things, although big purchases we'd tend to discuss (if only to get the other's advice).
I honestly don't understand how you can be part of a family and be keen to keep "my" money. We are a team and we've agreed broad principles as to how we spend our money. That seems to be OK for us. I don't think DH thinks for one minute that technically I pay the bills -hope not anyway.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 08/02/2016 21:20

Your household bills should include anything related to your dd, family days out and family holidays. And the fair way to contribute is that he pays 3x what you do, as he earns that much more than you. That way, you have equal money left over.

Also, have you ever looked at the figures for replacing what you do towards the household with a professional? How much would you earn if you worked full time? And how much would you need to spend on a cleaner, gardener, window cleaner and childcare? Because you can either do that and your monthly outgoings will increase, or he can stop being an arse. He's discounting all you do towards your family life - I would be furious with his attitude

deregistered · 08/02/2016 21:23

I earn three times my husband's salary, he works PT. I cannot imagine in any universe me asking him to pay for his own holiday or leaving him short of money or unable to pay for anything, no matter what else he spends money on at other times.

We pool both our salaries - it's just our money, shared equally (not to the penny but as in we both spend what we like on our own activities).

If my dh worked the same hours I did there would be many things we'd outsource like childcare, cleaning, gardening, DIY that we don't have to now because he does it.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/02/2016 21:29

"Maybe he doesn't want to work FT - how do we know he wants this kind of arrangement? We only have 1 side of the story..."

Maybe. But it's unlikely he'd want to work less and take on more unpaid labour seeing as he contributes proportionately less than the op does. I'm basing that on what the op has said because if I start to imagine the op is lying/mistaken/living-in-a-parallel-universe-where-life-is-not-as-we-know-it then it becomes impossible to provide any meaningful sort of discussion.

ClarenceTheLion · 08/02/2016 21:39

Maybe he doesn't want to work FT - how do we know he wants this kind of arrangement? We only have 1 side of the story...

Because these twats usually do? They may as well come off a factory line for how samey they are. Financial control of partner? Check. Childcare and domestic work beneath him? Check.

But if you fancy it OP, ask him if he'd like to swap and become a stay at home parent. I bet you £100 he doesn't break down in tears of gratitude...

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/02/2016 21:47

😂😂

lamiashiro · 08/02/2016 21:49

I find these kind of arguments from people's DPs bizarre and depressing. DH and I (no DCs) have always had separate accounts for ourselves, but a joint account where we pay a % of money for all bills, food etc.

At times he's earned more than me and vice versa. Each time, we've worked out how to even up the split so neither of us is left out of pocket. At the moment, I'm paying more, but in a couple of months, he will pay more as his salary will exceed mine. If the wage difference is relatively negligible, one of us will get the odd dinner out or treat. We both spend our own money on hobbies and nights out. There have also been times when one of us has helped the other out with stuff like car repairs or whatever but ultimately it's all evened out basically because we are not dicks about it.

He would no more refuse to pay for me to go on holiday than I would refuse to buy a jumper for him because I'm passing the shop he likes. The only thing I can think is that more men that I'd like to have thought possible are paranoid about 'their' money and a fear of being taken for a ride by a woman.

LordBrightside · 08/02/2016 21:51

You're entitled to half the money if you divorce him. Mention that to him and see how he likes them apples.

Sounds like a creep.

Jux · 08/02/2016 21:54

Grin Clarence, tears of gratitude oh no, those won't be in evidence.

sleeponeday · 08/02/2016 21:54

Maybe he doesn't want to work FT - how do we know he wants this kind of arrangement? We only have 1 side of the story...

He doesn't want an arrangement in which his wife earns a third of what he does, works 4 days a week, does almost all the childcare and housework, and yet the bills are split 50/50?

I mean, I agree he should be a decent human being and start contributing half in at least some area in this relationship, whether domestic or financial, but it does seem a stretch to see him as a victim in this. If he wants to work fewer hours and do more childcare, so he's level pegging with his wife in earning power, then she's still better off: finances are still split but she has more free time. Why is his earning more money, but not sharing more, and because he earns more

But surely if he spent his own money on going out with his mates and spending weekends away like you do he wouldn't be able to pay for the holiday so you wouldn't be going away...

Erm, he earns three times more than she does, yet she provides all the domestic back-up and meets more than half the bills. I suspect he can afford all of this because, you know, he has more than double her entire salary left over as personal spends.

Believeitornot · 08/02/2016 21:56

Your problem is that your marriage isn't really a marriage is it?

It should be a coming together to form a unit - all ingoings in to one point.

You may as well be flat mates

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 21:58

"You're entitled to half the money if you divorce him. Mention that to him and see how he likes them apples. "

Erm no she's not entitled to 50%. She might get 50% of the marital assets but I think legally he only needs to give her 5% for maintenance for their DD and that's only if they don't go 50/50 on their DD residence, if they went 50/50 OP wouldn't get anything.

Iwantmymaidennameback · 08/02/2016 22:01

My DH is exactly the same. So obsessed with "his" money that he can't see that's why I'm divorcing him. It's going to hurt him a lot more parting with his money after we split than it ever did when we were together.
He actually gets that look on his face that Golum gets when looking at his "pretty" (bank account).

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 22:01

He doesn't really earn 3times her salary - that's probably the gross figure so after tax it's likely he only earns just over double what she does.

SquinkiesRule · 08/02/2016 22:05

He's a knob.
Why are you paying half the bills, if he earns more then you pay according you your wage, he earns 50% more than you, he pays 50% more of the bills.
You need to charge him for childcare and cleaning. He's getting a cushy life while you struggle.
We have the one pot. For years I earned a pittance and did all the house and kid stuff, Dh worked long hours, now we are reversed, and I earn the money and he is home with the youngest. Still one pot, all bills and savings are paid out of it and we can have what we want/need for spending. It Family money we are a couple, partners, not a business deal.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 08/02/2016 22:09

It's rare a man gets to be a SAHD or go part time as the woman doesn't want him too or isn't prepared to sacrifice his salary. Many also don't give their male partners any say in them dropping hours or quitting work. You never get both sides.

The OP would have the same housework, the same parenting etc if she was single. She works less hours so it's only fair she picks up more of the house stuff. To suggest he couldn't work without her is just daft, he's a grown man and can do his job by himself. Plenty of single people with children work and look after a house and parent.

If the split things 50/50, which many do, then the OP should be paying towards the holiday.

If she's unhappy with the housework situation the she should split anything after they have equal work hours (employment or house stuff) but with just one school aged child there can't actually be that much so it shouldn't be an issue.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/02/2016 22:10

I don't think it's sounds fair either. Sounds also like he is a bit jealous of you going out with friends at weekend and is being a bit passive aggressive.

Dh earns 10 times what I do and I can spend whatever I like of it. We have 2 accounts but I can access them both and I sort out the bills etc and just transfer over anything I need and he buys what he wants too.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/02/2016 22:11

He doesn't really earn 3times her salary - that's probably the gross figure so after tax it's likely he only earns just over double what she does.

How do you know this? Are we supposed to be just making stuff up on threads now and imagining and discussing every possible variable and permutation of the facts as presented? Because if so maybe we should do that on a thread specifically for the purpose? I imagine it might go a little like this:

I have a friend called Jim who is not like this so clearly the op has just made the whole thing up.

Oh and I met a woman once who told another woman that she liked her scarf but then later said she didn't, so now I know all women are liars.

Look, some people pay 50% tax so if they don't want to do the washing up that's ok, they're already paying for everyone else's health and social needs!

BONKERS.