to think DH should pay for holidays, cars, nights out etc...

[Wiggletastic]

when he earns three times as much as me and we split all other bills? I also do 80% of childcare, household chores and organising of everything in our lives (I work the equivalent of 4 days and he works full-time). He has seriously pissed me off stating that I should pay for myself for holidays and he will only pay for him and DD. He has pointed out that I can afford to go for nights out and weekends with my friends so could put this cash towards a holiday instead. I think if I work hard and provide a nice easy life for him and DD, then I'm entitled to have the odd night out.

[browneyedgirl1974]

How do you make imbalance 10%
He works 100 and house 20
She works 80 and house 80

[roundaboutthetown]

Well, I for one would hate a relationship where everything was costed out to the extent of allocating less money to your own child if you hadn't been quite so keen on having it, and assessing who benefits most from the cleaning! As for concluding, in isolation, that you would be better off living alone than having your partner do the cleaning and cooking, I suggest someone with the ability to compartmentalise in that way would most definitely be doing both parties a service by buggering off and living alone!

[browneyedgirl1974]

Sorry didn't read your post properly peggy

[roundaboutthetown]

It's a bit like knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing...

[WickedWax]

At least you had the good sense to marry this gobshite seeing as you've got a child with him.

You should find you'll be quite financially comfortable when you divorce him.

[CaptainWarbeck]

What a twat.

Not you OP, your H.

[peggyundercrackers]

You should find you'll be quite financially comfortable when you divorce him.

and we all know what happens when self employed people go through the process - the other person generally gets screwed

[leelu66]

YANBU. This is financial abuse. Give him an ultimatum:

Either:

Both wages go in the same joint account.
Both of you can spend from that account.

Or

He doesn't agree.

If he doesn't agree, I would LTB. And take him to the cleaners.

[BlondeOnATreadmill]

Tell him that in order to maximise your income (so that you can afford holidays), that you are going Full Time 8am-6pm. Childcare will now have to be provided by an after school club/childminder and also you'll need a cleaner. These 2 new bills will have to be split 50/50.

I wouldn't mean it, but let him figure out the implications.

IMO, once you have kids all money should be shared.

Here's the vital point that he is missing: you have reduced your hours in order to undertake childcare and most of the household chores. This is why you earn less. You didn't cut your hours because you fancied a Spa Day once a week, FFS.

I earn more than my DH. We don't share kids. I have still paid for his hols quite a few times, because we both work hard (in fact he works a lot harder than me), and that's what you do if you love someone.

[browneyedgirl1974]

Absolutely blonde

[BeakyAndBun]

Peggy- I don't understand your 10% deficit figure at all. I would think an even way to do things would be to say DH is doing 50 hours a week at work. If OP does 50 hours of work between paid work and family work (for want of a better word), then that seems fair. For me it comes down to leisure time more than income. In a partnership, you both want to feel like you are contributing more or less the same amount but I think income is not the right way to judge this and can only lead to resentment! Part-time work is typically less well paid, with fewer opportunities for career progression. If one partner sacrifices some of their current and future earning potential to look after children and the home, enabling the other to pursue a full-time career and everything that can entail in terms of more money, perks, job satisfaction, then it is simply unfair to penalise them financially by saying "I earn more so I keep more." It would seem to me therefore that the fairest way to do things is to share all money coming into the home as family income, and for both partners to have roughly the same amount of leisure time. If one has a really demanding job or a disability or circumstances change temporarily for say pregnancy, illness or whatever then one partner might take on more but I think if you love someone you want to work together as a unit to give the whole family the best quality of life!

[Petal02]

This thread reminds me of my ex-h. He earned 2.5 times what I did, and everything was still split 50/50 - mortgage, bills, holidays etc etc. My salary would go into the bank, and by the time I'd paid my half of everything, I was almost skint within a few days of being paid. He would occasionally lend me money for petrol, which would go on a tab, and I'd have to pay him back next payday, but this just meant I was even more skint - a downward spiral.

I once asked my Dad for petrol money, he obliged, but has since said he was horrified my ex was so mean. Sometimes my ex would get into a real strop if I couldn't afford to go out for a meal; this meant we wouldn't go out, even though he could easily afford to pay for me.

He had it all worked out though; if we had a child (we didn't, thankfully), I'd go back to work ASAP (maternity pay wouldn't cover my share of the bills, even though he could afford the shortfall ...... ) and the child would be cared for, full time, by his mother, who was in the mid-stages of dementia, and couldn't tell the difference between a baby and a toaster ......

It's not hard to see why we're no longer together!

My new husband and I pool our finances. And it works.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

peggy

Yep loads of single parents work.

I do and whilst I do I pay epic amounts for childcare and £15ph for a cleaner

[peggyundercrackers]

Needsasock I work too and pay for childcare and a cleaner and know what it costs thanks.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I couldn't go to work and do my job if I didn't fund that.

I would save a fortune if I had a SAHP

[Canyouforgiveher]

listen the way I see it is OP does 80% of the house stuff, he does 20% - there is an imbalance. In terms of paid work OP works 4 days, her DH works 5 days - so in terms of paid work he does 20% more - there is an imbalance.

That he does more paid work is irrelevant to the imbalance since she gets no benefit from it (the entire point of her post) so her imbalance of housework/childcare is still hanging out there - he is getting a way better deal than his wife.

[sleeponeday]

Peggy the argument would work if the OP paid less towards family costs in recognition that she is taking an earnings hit by providing a lot more care for the kids and household. That would be a fair split of labour and money. As it is, he has a large (and lifelong) career and money advantage because she is shouldering the family load, and he is pocketing every penny of that and then whining crossly if expected to treat her to a single annual holiday.

She isn't taking a day off, one day a week. She's providing childcare and getting the house, bills, "wifework" sorted. Do you think he sorts playdates, liaises with schools/nurseries, remembers birthdays, buys clothes and shoes, etc etc? Or will that be her, on top of cooking/cleaning/washing and ironing and sorting, etc etc etc? She is working as hard as he is, for their mutual family, but he is expecting her to fund that via a pay cut of a day's salary, when he is a massively bigger earner. That is not fair, and not okay.

[sleeponeday]

Or more simply: most of her labour supports their shared family. Most of his supports his own bank balance.

That is a very unfair marriage.

[Iwantmymaidennameback]

Spot on sleeponeday.

[notmyproblem]

peggy are you the DH?

You seem to be about as delusional as he is when it comes to work/hours/money/effort and family finances.

OP it's a near unanimous YANBU here. You know you're not being unreasonable. But you do need to think about where you're going to go from here. This is not a life you want to keep leading, with a tight selfish mean twat of a man and your daughter growing up watching and learning. You need to make changes soon.

[Dad1point0]

Well what an interesting - and one-sided - thread on here this is.

Is this the way that advice is meted out on Mumsnet? Hear one side of the story and demand some bloke is divorced and wrung for all he has (or doesn't have). There are a couple of posts in here looking at a - potential - other side, but the majority of you have just jumped on the "facts" of the OP and taken an immediate side.

I wonder if any of you would have a different view if it was found that the DH paid for 3/4 of house bills, has paid off one car and is paying off a second car, was paying off recently and not-so-recently bought furniture, paid for the nights out (of his DW) and family on expenses and was left with absolutely no disposable income himself at the end of each month to go out and enjoy himself with the one friend he has within 50 miles. I also wonder if any of you would be concerned if he had no pension or savings and was struggling with his job and his future whilst trying to provide a fun environment for their DD - despite feeling pretty down about things over the winter - and is struggling to come to terms with the fact that he may have to work away from his home in a few months because the work may dry up close to home? I wonder, if he's trying desperately to find something useful to do for the community and learning a new skill and taking time off work to give something back to children in the local community to help him feel more fulfilled, would any of you change your view?

I wonder, when posters post on here suggesting that DH is a waste of space and he should be kicked into touch... ...I wonder if they actually care about families and being supportive or if... ...is it just about voyeurism?

Of course, the internet is full of opinionated people quick to make judgements based on the - clearly frustrated - OP's points, but... isn't there another view?

If it were me, I'd bear all this in mind when I'm out of work and can do housework and childcare full time whilst penniless. If it were me, I certainly wouldn't spend £4.5k - myself - on a Florida holiday either.

[Iwantmymaidennameback]

Makes no odds if you are a man or a woman, so what's your point exactly Dad1?

[Pinkheart5915]

Me and my hubby have all our money go in to joint accounts and all bills etc just come out via direct debits and holiday are paid from the joint account

[figureofspeech]

The reason why he can work full-time is because you work part time and pick up the house keeping duties. Is he too thick to understand this basic thing? Either you both work full time or part time and pick up the slack in the house.

How will he explain your absence on a family holiday to your dd? Will he admit to his dd that you couldn't afford it and he refused to pay for you? His attitude is really disturbing, is his father like this?

[jamdonut]

Surely , in a marriage, any money from work is joint income ? Whether one or both of you works!
Therefore there should be no argument over who pays for what...

I've managed for 26 years Ike this...even when my DH was made redundant, (3 times!) the money coming in didn't suddenly become mine, it was still ours! And vice versa, when I was between jobs. OUR money pays the bills/expenditure, not his or mine.