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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should pay for holidays, cars, nights out etc...

183 replies

Wiggletastic · 08/02/2016 18:45

when he earns three times as much as me and we split all other bills? I also do 80% of childcare, household chores and organising of everything in our lives (I work the equivalent of 4 days and he works full-time). He has seriously pissed me off stating that I should pay for myself for holidays and he will only pay for him and DD. He has pointed out that I can afford to go for nights out and weekends with my friends so could put this cash towards a holiday instead. I think if I work hard and provide a nice easy life for him and DD, then I'm entitled to have the odd night out.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 08/02/2016 20:33

He clearly resents you more than he loves you, OP.

GloGirl · 08/02/2016 20:34

I'm not surprised he doesn't have many friends.

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 20:35

But surely if he spent his own money on going out with his mates and spending weekends away like you do he wouldn't be able to pay for the holiday so you wouldn't be going away...

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 20:36

He has made sacrifices for the holiday so why shouldn't you?

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 20:38

'He has made sacrifices for the holiday so why shouldn't you?'

She made the sacrifice of doing most of the childcare and housework, so why shouldn't he be doing that 50/50, too? He refused.

TheMouseThatRoared · 08/02/2016 20:38

How did this set up even happen? Did you agree to it?

Cabrinha · 08/02/2016 20:38

I'm going to put my neck on the block as devil's advocate...

Did he ask you to arrange and pay for presents for his family? Does he even know how much you spent? Some men are happy to leave that (and all the household admin) to their wife - and their wives are sometimes too quick to step in and do it. And then complain about it.

Don't do it. Or if you agree you have time to do it as you're 4 days over 5, then fine - do it - but from a present budget.

Has he always been like this about money? Or are there other problems and this is a new way for him to show frustration?

It's easy to think it's unfair if he earns more, but if he's already been paying for nights out, cars, holidays - he may already be contributing in proportion to his salary. Depends if he's paying finance on an new car for the OP, for example.

I don't like his storming around though!

DrivingMissLazy1 · 08/02/2016 20:39

peggy she's sacrificed her full time earnings to help look after the dc.

Pootle40 · 08/02/2016 20:39

Oh dear!
I work four days and husband full time. He earns about £50k and I earn about £32k. We both keep about £250 spending money each and the rest of it is shared and we jointly agree what we use it for. We don't pay more than each other towards anything.

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 20:42

made the sacrifice of doing most of the childcare and housework, so why shouldn't he be doing that 50/50, too? He refused.

You can't pay for anything with childcare and housework. OP only works part time so she has more time than him so why shouldn't she pick up this work. There isn't much childcare because kids are at school so she can only have them for maybe 2hrs a day until DH comes home.

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 08/02/2016 20:43

Driving Me too. I can't understand couples who have separate money and 'owe' each other when one has paid for a meal out or something. God, the hassle of it!

Original poster
Wiggletastic · 08/02/2016 20:43

He has not spent his money on nights out and weekends away as he doesn't want to, he spends it on other things he likes, like expensive camera equipment, and he keeps the rest in the bank. We split all household bills approximately 50/50. I tend to spend more money on DD (7yo) for clubs, days out, clothes etc, from my own money.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 08/02/2016 20:46

Also bear in mind that if the 3x earnings is a gross 20K/60K then net that's more like 2.5x earnings.

The part time working thing can be a real point of tension I think though.

I used to work 4 days and my XH 5 days. We earned approx the same when I was 5 days. I continued to pay 50/50 on bills, because although the 4 days was lovely for my child, I also did it because it was bloody lovely working 4 days! I felt that it was my choice, so I still made the same contribution. That sort of thing was easier because we both had good salaries so it didn't leave me short. On my year of mat leave, j did pro rata on bills. But once the year was up, I really saw it as my choice to stay home one day. I can't stand my now XH - but we never, ever, argued or felt resentful about finances.

What did you do before your child? What did you agree to?

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 20:47

Money for your DD should come out of family bills money - you shouldn't be paying all this yourself. Holiday money should come out of family bills money as well.

You should change the amount of money you both put away for family bills so you both contribute to things like holidays and money for DD together.

GingerCuddleMonsterThe2nd · 08/02/2016 20:48

Mine and DP have seperate finances because we don't live together, even though we have a child in which he pays maintenance to me for. Your finances sound like ours and we don't live together!!

We will eventually move in, were taking things slow. DS was a suprise quite early in our relationship and we agreed there was no need to rush, but when we eventually move on together we will have a main family pot which both wages are paid in to and then each will have a small current account to take /keep personal spending money inswitch is sent from the joint account. Holidays, meals, cars all family events and essentials come from one pot. Is that something you could do, that way he still keeps a sole account with a proportional amount of spare income in it? P

Cabrinha · 08/02/2016 20:48

STOP. RIGHT. THERE.

How the fuck did it come about that you pay bills 50/50 when he earns 3x (or less, net?) than you???

Really 50/50? Are you including everything in that - like usual holidays and cars?

mommy2ash · 08/02/2016 20:49

If you earn 20 k and he earns 60 k and you both pay 50% of the bills but you still have enough disposable income to fund nights out clothes activities etc. what is he spending his disposable income on? If there is a 40 k difference and he isn't paying extra bills what is that being spent on?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 08/02/2016 20:53

He's a tight git. i couldn't bear living with someone like that.

roundaboutthetown · 08/02/2016 20:53

From what has been described so far, it doesn't sound like they do much fun stuff together as a couple - it seems the OP is off out with her friends quite a bit and then expects her dh to pay the cost of family holidays. Maybe it is making him feel as though the only way he can persuade her to spend time with him is if he pays for it. In other words, maybe it isn't so much about the money per se, more about feeling like your other half would rather spend money on anything but time with you.

TheCraicDealer · 08/02/2016 20:54

We split all household bills approximately 50/50

Why?! You're subsidising his lifestyle and hobbies by providing childcare but still meeting 50% of the bills. I'm actually pissed off that you think that this is ok and that the only thing that's made you realise "hold on a minute..." is this blasted holiday.

I would look into childcare options, price it up and say, "right, I'm going back to work FT, I want your 50% contribution for childcare. That'll be about £180 a month I'll be looking off you. You'll be doing half the pick ups as well". Then when he starts goldfish-mouthing tell him, "You can't have it both ways dickhead. Either you start treating me like a partner and show you value my contribution, or I'll stop making sacrifices for our family which only seem to benefit you [mic drop]".

ClarenceTheLion · 08/02/2016 20:55

Are neither of you aware that you would probably be much more comfortable financially if you left him? Grin Unless he got you to sign the pre-nup of pre-nups of course...

You are subsidizing his lifestyle - working less so that his daughter can have the benefit of a parent there at picking up and dropping off times. He is supposed to reciprocate and subsidize you financially. Subsidize is the wrong word really, it's family time and family money. He's acting like he's single.

Just don't pay. If he wants to be a knob he can pay the full whack and just take himself and your dd away, and -gasp- do the childcare himself.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 20:57

Why do you put up with this?

peggyundercrackers · 08/02/2016 20:58

If a woman come on her and said I earn 3x my DH but after bills he spends all his money pissing it against the wall with his friends and going away with them then expects me to pick up the tab I expect she would be told her DH was a cocklodger and to LTB.

"i couldn't bear living with someone like that."

I couldn't bear to live with someone who spent their money on their own on nights out and holidays on themselves then expect me to pick up the tab.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2016 20:59

I'd rather spend more time with my friends if I had a husband like this, round.

TheCraicDealer · 08/02/2016 21:03

OP works part time and she's meeting half the bills. I don't think there's a lot left over at the end of the month and if, shock horror, she wants to spend whatever little disposable income on getting out of the house and seeing her mates fair fucking play to her.