To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

I also don't get this notion that someone should be grateful that their partner stayed at home to look after the family while they go out to work.

To be honest, the person who stays at home gets the best deal in my experience, so then expecting someone who had to go to work to enable this to happen to be grateful for it is very odd.

I need to get up and go to work in the morning. If DH expected me to bring him a cup of tea while he lay in bed, and I was running round trying to get organised for work, I would be having a few choice words with him. However, it does sound like you need to get your DH on board to do his fair share around the house.

But to expect someone to bring you a cup of tea in the morning so you can mooch around relaxing while they're getting ready to go to work - YABVU

user7755, the person staying home by far gets the best deal. All that time with the children, no work, everything provided for them yet many seem to think the have the worse deal than the worker and shouldn't have to be grateful. It's even suggested that the worker comes home and starts on the housework as its not the SAHPs job.

If the OP doesn't have to get up for work, then it's no hardship to go downstairs and get a drink.

YANBU. At all.

In our house whoever makes tea first makes two cups and takes one to wherever the other is: bath, bed, kitchen, standing on the stairs yelling at the DC, whatever. At the weekends we play stone/paper/scissors for who's going to put the kettle on. I love it. It is an essential element of teamwork for us.

When DH's sister and her DP were staying, DH made them one, and took it to them in the spare bedroom. The DP said, 'This is fantastic. I can't remember when someone last brought me tea in bed, total bliss' and stayed in bed reading the papers for an hour. DH meanwhile was that not all couples did this for each other. He had assumed it was mandatory and that this lack of tea-making must signal total doom in his sister's relationship. (As it happened, he was right.)

I don't actually think that posting on an internet forum about wishing someone would make me a cuppa is the epitome of being 'needy'. That, at least, made me chuckle.

Neither do I lounge around at home all day. I'm out of the door at 7:50am four mornings a week. OH works from home at least 3 days a week. If anything, he has the easier life, sometimes kipping in the afternoon as he can work on into the evening.

Btw, postgraduate courses are expensive, as someone pointed out earlier as support for her argument that I should be grateful he's paying for this. Actually, he doesn't - I successfully competed at an exam and interview which secured my fees being paid, together with a small maintenance grant.

AddToBasket - not making tea is punishable by death in our house. Whoever gets up first, makes the tea - usually two cups in quick succession for the person who is in bed. If DH doesn't get his tea, he makes strangled, choking noises of thirst from bed until it arrives. You make a cup of tea - you make one for the other person - those are the rules. DH once got properly upset because he popped out to the shops and when he got back he found I had make a cuppa for myself only. We do drink a ridiculous amount of tea, though.

Not read full thread (8 pages on tea!) but your post screams out that you feel generally under appreciated. And I think this is the major issue you need to address.

Your 10 and 15yr olds should be capable of demonstrating their gratitude for all the things you do pulling their weight a bit more in which ever way you see fit.

Perhaps a family meeting, new routines and actually telling them how you feel would help?

"the person who stays at home gets the best deal in my experience"

That may be your experience, but I assure you it's not universal. I've been a SAHP and would never, ever, ever go back to it willingly. I find my WOH a) much more fulfilling and b) an absolute fucking doddle compared to toddler-wrangling, housework, cooking and school runs.

Still, it'd be a dull old world if we were all alike, eh.

Before we had DS, we both worked full time, but I had to get up an hour and a half before DP (at 5.50am), then because I got home first, I did things like put a wash on and empty the dishwasher, started the dinner etc. If he'd demanded a brew in bed, I'd have laughed him out of the room. I've also got little patience for people who need to "come to" before they get out of bed, because I roll out and straight into the shower, not facing around with snooze buttons etc. But at the weekends we took turns to do breakfast in bed - could you do that, OP? Now of course, we have a one year old, and no chance of a lie in or breakfast in bed!

I also disagree that being the SAHP is the easy life. I really struggled through maternity leave, and love being back at work, it's so so much easier than looking after a colicky high needs unputdownable baby or an inquisitive energy filled toddler. I go to work for a rest, and I know DP feels the same! It would be different if DS were already at school, of course - then I think I'd enjoy being a SAHP because I still do most of the child and house admin even though I work four days a week, so then I'd get some downtime too.

But I suppose if you actually enjoy childcare, being a SAHP might be easier than working.

I do enjoy being with the kids but it's the trying to do everything (organisation, admin, housework, washing, quality time with the kids, quality time with husband, get a shower occasionally) on top of being out of the house for 8-10 hours a day that I hate. I'd much rather be at home with the kids, doing things in our own time and not feeling guilty about not doing anything as well as I should!

although mine are older now so it's not relevant at the moment

OP, I've read all of your thread and I have a question... If your husband pulled his weight at home BUT wouldn't bring you tea in bed, would this make you as sad?

I get the feeling that you're placing enormous store on what you perceive your mum and dad's relationship to be and you're wanting that same relationship for yourself - and the tea in bed is the 'proof' of this loving and caring.

I know that some posters have mentioned about your children making the tea for you but you don't seem as keen unless I'm missing it?

I think your husband knows full well that you'd like tea in bed but he just doesn't want to do it for you. End of. There's no point telling him because he knows. He just doesn't want to do it. If you think there are other factors that are affecting your marriage then those should be addressed, but not this, this 'tea in bed' thing is now a sticking point and if you compel him to do it, you won't enjoy the tea-served-with-resentment that you will probably receive.

You can certainly make the division of labour at home much fairer but this 'tea in bed' is, I think, something that you'll need to concede as something that is unlikely to happen. I think perhaps if you took the emphasis of this as being important, it may make your husband feel less 'scrutinised' in what he doesn't do for you and he may do it now and again. If not, at least it will become less of a 'big thing' in your head.

Lying - you're right. If he pulled his weight more, the cuppa wouldn't have the same significance. But then, our relationship would be better as I'd feel he'd have appreciated all that needed doing and acknowledged that he lives here - not as a lodger but as an adult and parent, with something nearing an equal duty to maintain both the house and children. In the absence of that, small gestures of appreciation that I do pretty much all of it would, as I've said before, go a long way.

I don't think I am whining - those who have accused me of such. I think I'm making a case - in quite a considered way - for some small token of appreciation. I didn't claim that there were people worse -or better off - off than me.

But - it has been interesting getting different perspectives. So, thanks to all who've responded - even the ones that don't understand. There are those who have got it - and pushed me to think again beyond it - though I always knew why I think it's symbolic.

Anyway, I've just boiled the kettle to make my flask lol so this is where I bow out - at least for tonight

Wise words, Lying.

'DH meanwhile was shock shock that not all couples did this for each other. He had assumed it was mandatory and that this lack of tea-making must signal total doom in his sister's relationship. (As it happened, he was right.)'

Nope. For starters, my husband and I don't drink tea regularly. We use an electric coffee maker. Neither of us would consider drinking a hot drink in bed as a desirable activity. You still have to sit up, so you may as well get up, in our opinion. Don't care for hot drink spilled down my front or bed. and I sure as hell wouldn't want someone coming into the room where I'm staying whilst I'm still in bed.

It's just not a thing for some people. A lot of folks don't drink hot drinks at all.

Whether the person who stays at home has it easier is going to depend entirely on variables. Nature of job, hours of job, commute for job, number of children, their age, their health, their biddability. You can't generalise.

It's ages since I had a coffee in bed, brought by someone else. DH and I used to take turns, (sort of) but then he was ill so I took him one every day, and one for me, but he died last year and it isn't quite the same drinking coffee in bed on my own. A coffee machine in the bedroom would be good, I might do that!

Coffee in bed is just wrong. Coffee is a lovely drink, but not first thing in the morning!

Tea in bed is one of the loveliest things in the world. My husband almost always gets up first and goes down to the kitchen to make us both a cup of tea* which we drink in bed while listening to the start of the Today programme. We watch the runners and dog walkers and early commuters going past, and the sun coming up, and after a bit the radio goes off and we have a chat. We've been together for 35 years and this has been our routine for most of that time, certainly since the children were babies. We did it when he was working FT and I was a SAHM and then when he was FT and I was working PT and then FT and nowadays he is retired and I am working PT and that's still our routine.

The OP's problem is not just about not being cherished. There doesn't seem to be much connection there either.

*The exception is on the very rare occasion when he's ill and then I make it.

queenMab99, . Sorry for your loss and I hope my cross post about coffee didn't hit a nerve! I was just being silly (I hope that was obvious).

I'm wincing at the posters who are blithely coming onto this thread extolling the virtues of their tea-making-and-bringing partners...when the OP is really clearly upset that her husband WON'T do this simple thing for her. It's really quite insensitive and it must be like rubbing salt in her wounds to read.

It's obviously ludicrous to sat that being a stay at home parent is objectively a better and easier thing to do than working. If that was even remotely true ..I wonder why more men don't want to do it !!!

I love my job and you would have to drag me over hot coals to make me swap it for full time being at home with kids.

so she didn't want to be a sahp?

Unless they were collectively earning enough to allow them both to continue while paying for a considerable amount of childcare (seems an atypical situation), one of them had to take the step down. That was the OP, and now she is disadvantaged professionally, and is taking the opportunity to attempt to rectify that.

Or are we going to pretend that she and her OH likely fought over who got the privilege of staying at home and screwing up their career, and the OP won?

My DH won't do this either.
I'm a sahm
DH does nothing in the house.
I got bought a teasmade for Christmas.
It's bliss.

Or are we going to pretend that she and her OH likely fought over who got the privilege of staying at home and screwing up their career, and the OP won?

well we don't know do we? That's the point. Many many women want to be the sahp. I know women who were the main earner be the sahp.

That's my point. For all we know she wanted to do it

I'm not quite sure how this debate changed into bring about SAHPs when it should be about a man who appreciates his wife do little and all she does for the whole family that he refuses to do one simple thing that would make her happy.

forget who is working and who is not. It's really sad that a person (of either sex) can't make a cup of tea for their partner if that means a lot to them.

Why don't you take turns? You said that your OH works from home 3 days a week. Maybe he can bring you a cup of tea on those mornings. On the mornings when he is working out of the home then you could bring him a cup of tea in bed?

You haven't really addressed any of the posters who have asked whether YOU show appreciation for HIM. It shouldn't just go one way. You seem to have the better deal at the moment - he works full-time to pay the bills so you can pursue your aspirations. When children are young, being a SAHP is a very valid role. However, your children are now older, and a lot of men would require you to work full-time and bring in an income. As you aren't contributing financially, its fair enough that you should do the housework - you have to make SOME contribution - its a partnership!! From the sounds of it, you should be getting up at the same time as him to make HIM a cup of tea to show gratitude that he's providing for you, not having a long lie.