To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

And actually, even making it yourself is a good thing - you are taking that time to nurture yourself, so even if everyone else isn't appreciating you, take those precious moments to snuggle under the duvet, bolstered with pillows and enjoy waking up slowly with your tea.

Getting your H to help out with other chores is another thing altogether, but I do think this particular one is easily fixed - you can still have someone show you love and appreciation with tea in bed, it's just that it's yourself!

[PantsOfGold]

I understand that this is about your DP showing you that he cares. Having to spell out to him that you want a cup of tea kind of defeats the point. Does he do other little things for you that demonstrate his affection? If so, it might be better to focus on those things and train/bribe your DC into making you a cuppa!

[Katenka]

I set my alarm at 6am everyday so I can get an hours peace and quiet every morning.

Dh gets up at 7.15 and gets the youngest up.

Personally I would be put out if he told me I should make him coffee in bed every morning. Because I purposely get up so I have that hour or so, to myself.

But dh knows I love him. I think the OP wouldn't be bothered about the tea if she was appreciated in general.

I can't help wonder if a woman posted that her dh expected tea in bed everyday because that's what his mum and dad did, that there would be a very different reaction.

[user7755]

Katenka - I couldn't agree with you more.

[Needtoprotect16]

OH loves his job. I don't think he resents me studying at all (though I probably do as I'm having to retrain (very late in the day) as I took time out to care for the children and to support his career. I rather wish I didn't have to study or retrain but I need to. And it really isn't a luxury. It's bloody demanding. He's been very successful. I'm run off my feet most of the time. Perhaps if I didn't feel so exhausted, there'd be energy left to get up and make it myself. Although, that really isn't the point, is it...

Btw, I'm not, I've never and certainly, wouldn't, demand he make me a cup of tea. He used to do it before he started taking me for granted... Asking for the tea would kind of defeat the purpose for me, akin to asking if he'd buy me flowers.

[Needtoprotect16]

LaContessa: well, I didn't phrase it as 'help'. I said that things needed to be more equally divided. I even drew up a list and stuck it on the fridge door one summer (it was a list of house maintenance things that 'we' had to do: paint exposed wood in front door before winter; ring plumber to fix leak asap to prevent ceiling collapsing, etc). He didn't lift a finger and I got fed up of trying to negotiate it as it always ended up with me 'nagging', apparently... I ended up sorting pretty much all of it.

So, yes, on one hand, the tea is trivial. Against a context where I do so much, it's deeply symbolic. It's the display of care and affection and love (and no, he rarely does it in other ways).

Perhaps I should write a blog or a best-seller? 'Tea and Togetherness: the Story of my Divorce'. In the meantime, it's been interesting what many of you have said about your children. I think I'm going to try and talk to them about bringing me a cup of tea in the mornings. Given their role model, they may resist ( it's not a normal thing to do at the moment').

[Zinni]

If my DH wanted a cup of tea/coffee in bed each morning I'd happily oblige, but then I'm a morning person and find it easy to get up. And I tend to be up early with the baby anyway.

Have you tried taking it in turns? I think it's a bit U to expect him to do it every morning. Does he need to get up earlier than you?

[Cheeseoncrumpets]

Sorry, but I wouldn't dream of the expecting someone else to bring me a cup of tea in the morning. It does sound really entitled IMO. If it means so much to you why can't you do it yourself?

Just because that's what your father did OP, doesn't mean it's the norm for all families.

[Crinkle77]

I too would love a cuppa in bed but my partner can't get up in the morning although we have come to a compromise. I get up and make the tea and he makes the bed. Fair deal I think.

[Katenka]

I think I'm going to try and talk to them about bringing me a cup of tea in the mornings. Given their role model, they may resist ( it's not a normal thing to do at the moment').

Your dh sounds lazy, but you are putting too much on him. Are you not a role model too?

They may resist. But that's down to both of you. Him for being Lazy and Thinking it's ok to leave everything to you and you for not getting them involved and used to doing things.

[user7755]

I genuinely don't understand why dh should bring you a cup of tea in bed in the morning. Do you do something similar for him?

Why is it that their role model for not providing hot beverages in the morning is a problem but the role model for expecting them to be provided is not?

[solomon2003]

Nothing like a bit of vacuous and inane self-pity on here again, coupled with random expletives like 'flying fuck'... Personally I feel sorry for those who are being bombed out of house and home in Syria..

[solomon2003]

What the French say about the English: "Trivial about the serious and serious about the trivial"

[thankthoseluckystars]

I am seriously that divorce is on the cards because of this.

[redexpat]

Love languages. Yours is acts of service. You feel loved when pepple do things for you. You show love by doing acts of service for others. But not everyone communicates love in this way. DH and DC probably do love you, but communicate it in different ways. Touching, words of affirmation, presents, spending time - do they do any of these?

[solomon2003]

Totally agree redexpat.

"So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do."
This sentence indicates narcissistic thinking...

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

You wouldn't consider taking it in turns to make each other a cup of tea/coffee in bed? I don't think asking the DC to do it is going to help in any way with the issue that you feel your DP isn't pulling his weight. And doesn't the same point apply that if you have to request it there's not much point? I don't think it's up to your DC to do it anyway, tbh. Maybe at the weekend it would be a nice gesture from them. As I said though, for various reasons I feel guilt for being in bed whilst everyone else is up and busy.

From your subsequent posts I hear an awful lot of resentment towards your DP and it's very clear to me that you want him to be "kinder" to you. But genuinely, are you kind to each other? It has to work both ways which is why I think offering to take turns with the tea in bed might be a good way forward.

[diddl]

So if he used to do it (every morning?), what changed, why did he stop?

[Needtoprotect16]

Redex:OH doesn't. Children are affectionate to me, as I am to them (kissing goodnight, cuddles on the coach, shouting 'love you' as they exit the house).

Perhaps I am being entitled? Perhaps it's wrong to expect tea, I don't know now. Perhaps tea is the straw that breaks the camel's back?

He just stopped making it. Can't recall when exactly. Perhaps at the time I verbalised that I thought he could do more in terms of the equal division of labour? He didn't do more, as it happens. All that I know is that tea stopped and resentment (mine, definitely; his, perhaps?) grew.

[Lweji]

I think you should address the state of your relationship properly and forget about the tea. It may happen when it's better.
This may be a point where counselling may still work, before you end up resenting each other.

Meanwhile, some pps would do well to properly read the OP's posts.

[woollytights]

You're going to tell your children to bring you a cup of tea in bed every morning I think you need to get over the tea to be honest. Encourage them to help in ways that are valuable to you AND them.

[PantsOfGold]

OP, I don't think you are lazy or entitled. I think there are many people on this thread who don't get that you are feeling taken for granted. Small gestures of care and affection make a world of difference in a relationship.

[PantsOfGold]

This sentence indicates narcissistic thinking or maybe it indicates someone who is knackered and feeling under appreciated?

[thankthoseluckystars]

Part of being an adult is not needing thanks for what you should be doing anyway.

[Needtoprotect16]

I'm not going to demand the kids bring me tea. That really wouldn't work either, would it? They might do it - but probably resentfully. Doing that act resentfully is NOT what I'm looking for, if you read my earlier posts. It would be a conversation, I'd hope, about nice things that make people feel better; things that oil the wheels of family life (though not expressed like this obviously); how it's good to be kind, how thinking of others sometimes is quite a good thing to do. It may or may not lead to tea (though I wouldn't mind if it did lol)