To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

[myusernamewastaken]

My boyfriend brought me up a cup of tea in bed just before xmas and spilt it all up my stair carpet....id rather get up and make my own x

[scarednoob]

Personally I hate tea and coffee - but I too grew up with a father who took my mum a cup of tea in bed every morning for 30 years. Seeing his lone mug by the kettle in the morning when we stay there is one of the tangible things that still gets me by the throat, 10 years after she died.

So I get that it's much more about the caring than the drink, and why you would like him to do this off his own bat. I suggest asking him outright and explaining what it would mean to you. Hopefully he will want to do it after that.

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

I get you OP and YANBU. It's the little things that show you care, and I think they become more important the longer you've been together.
I hope you manage to sort things out

[LionHearty]

Applauds Lila

[LilaTheTiger]

I moved out and got divorced, and friends bought me a teasmade as a housewarming gift.

Two of the best things that ever happened to me

[LionHearty]

Should not have had a confused face at the start, apologies...

[LionHearty]

Surely being in a relationship is about appreciating each other?

I'll be blunt...seems to me that many pps just don't get it. To you, even though (you are being taken for granted) a cup of tea in bed would tell you that all is not lost, that the lovely man you fell in love with is still there. However from your posts I suspect that as a pp said love fades.

In your position, I would try and even things up in terms of housework. And try in little ways to reconnect. When have you last said I love you, done something that you know he would appreciate? I know, he ain't doing anything for you, but unless you are gonna LTB, something got to change.

I do get it. Lack of care, lack of tenderness, and simply not giving a shit about you. (Sending you a big hug, I feel for you, been there, done that. It is horrible to know that the person who is supposed to love you, doesn't give a shiny shit.)

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

If he isn't pulling his weight in the house, then you need to address it (or think about what you want to happen if it can't be addressed). I don't actually think the tea in bed is your problem here. As PPs have said, you don't want the outcome of him still not pulling his weight but making you a brew and thinking that's a solution, do you?

I would really go at this from the angle you want to improve your relationship and make it more equal - as part of this, when the workload is distributed more evenly you could take it in turns to make each other a brew and drink it in bed (together if even 10 mins?)

I really would put the tea aside, stop giving it so much weight at the moment, and address the bigger issues...than hopefully kindness and increased happiness will come naturally

[Needtoprotect16]

Hardbut:

The problem with doing everything is that there is little time or energy left over to see to his personal needs. If there was more equal division of labour, I would. But you know, with everything ... I am exhausted most of the time and being unappreciated, it doesn't exactly motivate me to do so. And believe me, I would LOVE a full-time career again. I am retraining to do that as I can't easily re-enter my old career. I returned to work post-maternity leave (FT) but then he was offered a job half away around the world. So - to support him and bring up the children, I left - and off we went. Nobody made me do it. I did it for the family. But it's true to say that, otherwise, he could not have gone (he wouldn't have worked the other side of the world without his family). And so his career blossomed. I do regret giving it up, now. I did not do it under these current 'terms and conditions'. I kind of expected he would move to taking on more of the house/childcare responsibilities when I wanted/needed to return to FT work (btw, I have been working part-time for years - not a FT SAHP), trying to build up my CV - there's still no openings for me in my previous career - hence the decision to retrain at something very different.

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

YANBU. Needtoprotect16, I completely get where you're coming from. For me it's not just the big things in a relationship that matter, it's the little niceties that oil the cogs, make me feel loved. Him not getting you a cuppa when he nows it would really make you happy, especially when he's already making one for himself I think is unkind. I think as soon as couples stop appreciating each other it's a slippery slope. The tea issue is a symptom of how he feels about you I think. Personally, when I love and respect someone I like doing little acts of kindness, and getting the same in return makes me feel closer to that person.

[mrsplum2015]

Would it help if I tell you my dh makes me a tea every morning and brings it back to bed with his coffee and we sit and drink them together..... But otherwise our relationship is pretty rubbish!! True story.

On the other hand my children are younger than yours (and I also have a 3rd still pre school) and they do loads particularly in terms of looking after themselves. Their pocket money depends on it and actually most mornings my dd (11) makes my real coffee with frothed milk that I take on the school run/ work run.... So I get 2 drinks made for me most mornings, and tbh I say focus on your children, who you can teach to be considerate. They should appreciate you and you can teach them. Issues with your husband are probably more complex.

[harshbuttrue1980]

Why don't you take turns? You said that your OH works from home 3 days a week. Maybe he can bring you a cup of tea on those mornings. On the mornings when he is working out of the home then you could bring him a cup of tea in bed?

You haven't really addressed any of the posters who have asked whether YOU show appreciation for HIM. It shouldn't just go one way. You seem to have the better deal at the moment - he works full-time to pay the bills so you can pursue your aspirations. When children are young, being a SAHP is a very valid role. However, your children are now older, and a lot of men would require you to work full-time and bring in an income. As you aren't contributing financially, its fair enough that you should do the housework - you have to make SOME contribution - its a partnership!! From the sounds of it, you should be getting up at the same time as him to make HIM a cup of tea to show gratitude that he's providing for you, not having a long lie.

[waterrat]

forget who is working and who is not. It's really sad that a person (of either sex) can't make a cup of tea for their partner if that means a lot to them.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I'm not quite sure how this debate changed into bring about SAHPs when it should be about a man who appreciates his wife do little and all she does for the whole family that he refuses to do one simple thing that would make her happy.

[Katenka]

Or are we going to pretend that she and her OH likely fought over who got the privilege of staying at home and screwing up their career, and the OP won?

well we don't know do we? That's the point. Many many women want to be the sahp. I know women who were the main earner be the sahp.

That's my point. For all we know she wanted to do it

[IJustLostTheGame]

My DH won't do this either.
I'm a sahm
DH does nothing in the house.
I got bought a teasmade for Christmas.
It's bliss.

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

so she didn't want to be a sahp?

Unless they were collectively earning enough to allow them both to continue while paying for a considerable amount of childcare (seems an atypical situation), one of them had to take the step down. That was the OP, and now she is disadvantaged professionally, and is taking the opportunity to attempt to rectify that.

Or are we going to pretend that she and her OH likely fought over who got the privilege of staying at home and screwing up their career, and the OP won?

[waterrat]

It's obviously ludicrous to sat that being a stay at home parent is objectively a better and easier thing to do than working. If that was even remotely true ..I wonder why more men don't want to do it !!!

I love my job and you would have to drag me over hot coals to make me swap it for full time being at home with kids.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I'm wincing at the posters who are blithely coming onto this thread extolling the virtues of their tea-making-and-bringing partners...when the OP is really clearly upset that her husband WON'T do this simple thing for her. It's really quite insensitive and it must be like rubbing salt in her wounds to read.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

queenMab99, . Sorry for your loss and I hope my cross post about coffee didn't hit a nerve! I was just being silly (I hope that was obvious).

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

Coffee in bed is just wrong. Coffee is a lovely drink, but not first thing in the morning!

Tea in bed is one of the loveliest things in the world. My husband almost always gets up first and goes down to the kitchen to make us both a cup of tea* which we drink in bed while listening to the start of the Today programme. We watch the runners and dog walkers and early commuters going past, and the sun coming up, and after a bit the radio goes off and we have a chat. We've been together for 35 years and this has been our routine for most of that time, certainly since the children were babies. We did it when he was working FT and I was a SAHM and then when he was FT and I was working PT and then FT and nowadays he is retired and I am working PT and that's still our routine.

The OP's problem is not just about not being cherished. There doesn't seem to be much connection there either.

*The exception is on the very rare occasion when he's ill and then I make it.

[queenMab99]

It's ages since I had a coffee in bed, brought by someone else. DH and I used to take turns, (sort of) but then he was ill so I took him one every day, and one for me, but he died last year and it isn't quite the same drinking coffee in bed on my own. A coffee machine in the bedroom would be good, I might do that!

[FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld]

Whether the person who stays at home has it easier is going to depend entirely on variables. Nature of job, hours of job, commute for job, number of children, their age, their health, their biddability. You can't generalise.

[expatinscotland]

Wise words, Lying.

'DH meanwhile was shock shock that not all couples did this for each other. He had assumed it was mandatory and that this lack of tea-making must signal total doom in his sister's relationship. (As it happened, he was right.)'

Nope. For starters, my husband and I don't drink tea regularly. We use an electric coffee maker. Neither of us would consider drinking a hot drink in bed as a desirable activity. You still have to sit up, so you may as well get up, in our opinion. Don't care for hot drink spilled down my front or bed. and I sure as hell wouldn't want someone coming into the room where I'm staying whilst I'm still in bed.

It's just not a thing for some people. A lot of folks don't drink hot drinks at all.

[Needtoprotect16]

Lying - you're right. If he pulled his weight more, the cuppa wouldn't have the same significance. But then, our relationship would be better as I'd feel he'd have appreciated all that needed doing and acknowledged that he lives here - not as a lodger but as an adult and parent, with something nearing an equal duty to maintain both the house and children. In the absence of that, small gestures of appreciation that I do pretty much all of it would, as I've said before, go a long way.

I don't think I am whining - those who have accused me of such. I think I'm making a case - in quite a considered way - for some small token of appreciation. I didn't claim that there were people worse -or better off - off than me.

But - it has been interesting getting different perspectives. So, thanks to all who've responded - even the ones that don't understand. There are those who have got it - and pushed me to think again beyond it - though I always knew why I think it's symbolic.

Anyway, I've just boiled the kettle to make my flask lol so this is where I bow out - at least for tonight