To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

[Lweji]

It still doesn't mean that the op should be a skkivy with hardly any recognition. We all like to be appreciated. FGS

[MaybeDoctor]

I would find it very odd for a pre-teen child to do this for their parent in the morning - surely the parent is in the nurturing role? Until the point at which a parent becomes elderly of course, or needs some kind of caring support due to illness or disability. In the morning a child's role is surely to be getting ready as independently as possible, maybe assisting younger siblings in an age-appropriate way.

Sorry OP, I know what it is to be unappreciated (and it is truly shit :( - I could write my own bloody thread...) but I think this 'tea in bed' scenario has assumed a symbolism in excess of what is reasonable for a busy modern household.

[TendonQueen]

Like many other posters I think you should be willing to lose the battle (tea in bed) in order to win the war (having a fairer spread of household tasks). I know it sounds negative, but I would be cutting down the stuff you do for the family, and then when they notice the difference, initiating a talk about a fairer system. I don't think anything else at the moment is likely to make them notice and be motivated to change the imbalance.

[MaybeDoctor]

If you want my honest opinion, formed from experience - love fades and it is through tiny, tiny things that it shows itself.

This is an issue between your DH and you and you can't expect your children to compensate...

Sorry.

[theycallmemellojello]

Hmm. Although I do appreciate the value of small gestures and whatnot, I do think that if you have the luxury of time to sit in bed to drink a cup of tea every morning, and your DH is up earlier because he’s heading out to work, then it does on the face of it seem U to expect that he bring you the tea. I also think that while it’s perfectly reasonable to expect a fair division of labour wrt housework, I do think that studying for a degree is something that you are doing for yourself primarily, so it’s not something your DH needs to feel “appreciative” of. I’d go so far as to say that depending on circumstances it might be that you owe him a bit of appreciation insofar as he’s financially supporting you through your studies (if he is). I think that you shouldn’t focus on the tea or ‘appreciation’ per se. Why not sit down with your DH and work out a fairer distribution of household tasks? Hopefully a lessening of resentment will follow. And obviously, make sure that you’re doing the ‘little things’ and being appreciative of what he brings to the table too – that might be the best way to ensure reciprocation (but obviously does not justify an unequal distribution of household tasks).

[thankthoseluckystars]

Here is my day:

I am up at 6. I don't eat breakfast. I make a cup of tea for myself. I go to job 1 from 7 (setting off time) until 4 (going home time.) 3 nights a week I go to job 2 from 6:30 until 8:30. Job 2 is also done at weekends, hours vary.

I care for a relative with autism. Autism means never saying thanks, never appreciating anything, never ever enough.

How about thanking those lucky stars you have healthy NT children and can study as an adult which really is a luxury.

And I am being harsh and I'm sorry but if this is the biggest problem ... It's a luxury to have a lie in full stop. If you want to LTB then do it and maybe you'll find a man who treats you like a princess and let's you lie in bed sipping your tea slowly. I just hope your children will be as happy with your choices as you will be.

[harshbuttrue1980]

Wtf. He works full-time and drags himself out of bed on a cold and dark morning to provide for you so you can do a postgrad course (which costs an absolute fortune!), and you honestly expect him to serve you tea while you lounge in bed?? You mentioned divorce. He might beat you to it - if you divorced, I doubt you'd be able to keep up your studies though. I'm not sure what he gets out of the marriage now that the children are older (other than a resentful cleaner). He would be better with someone who works full time and makes her own tea.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Part of being an adult is not needing thanks for what you should be doing anyway.

Bollocks is it!

Everyone likes to be appreciated. Yes, we need to cook/clean/do laundry or whatever else, but we also like it to be recognised when we've done those things to help someone else. If I lived on my own, I wouldn't expect anyone to praise me for cooking dinner, but when I cook/clean for someone else's benefit as well, I do expect some kind of acknowledgement - be it a cup of tea the next morning, a thank you kiss, some flowers occasionally, or them reciprocating.

Surely being in a relationship is about appreciating each other?

[theycallmemellojello]

Also, on a more mundane note, if you have a flask of tea by the bed every night, he's not going to bring you one. But on second thoughts I think you need to raise the tea issue directly. "Darling, I know it sounds silly, but a cup of tea every now and then would make me feel more loved and appreciated. Is there anything I could be doing to make you feel the same?"

[thankthoseluckystars]

Oh, really? So 'thank you darling, I appreciate you lying in bed slowly 'coming to' while I get up and go to work'?

[expatinscotland]

'I think I'm going to try and talk to them about bringing me a cup of tea in the mornings. Given their role model, they may resist ( it's not a normal thing to do at the moment').'

Instead of something more meaningful, like how to look after themselves instead of expecting someone else to skivvy after them? Are you serious?! This whole 'tea in bed' malarkey is unbelievable, the importance you attach to it, rather than the reality that three people, one an adult and one reasonably close to it, don't lift a finger to participate in lifework. He's not the only role model, so are you. So be one. By telling them: this is your job from now on, and then if it doesn't get done or there are consequences.

That's our responsibility as parents. To do otherwise is lazy. A bit like expecting someone to bring you a hot drink in bed every morning.

'Autism means never saying thanks, never appreciating anything, never ever enough.'

Depends on how severe it is. My son has ASD. He has to be taught, and it's hard work, but he knows how to say thank you, how to offer, etc.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Or more "thank you darling for giving up your career and raising my children so I could go out everyday and work without having to worry about childcare/illness/pick-ups. I accept that as a result of that, you have to go back to university in order to get another job, so now I'm going to support you the way you supported me"

Or maybe that's too much to ask?

[harshbuttrue1980]

Exactly, Thank! Where is the OP's appreciation of her OH going out to work to fund her studies? Postgrad studies are a real luxury. OP, you sound like way too much hard work. Come down to earth and start having some gratitude to the person who enables you to do what you want in life (study). If you had a lower income OH, you'd just have to take whatever job you could get.

[thankthoseluckystars]

It does depend, yes, I should have said 'and this manifests itself through,'

Either way, caring for some people with special needs is a thankless task!

I do not think one adult with children aged 15 and 10 (assuming NT children) studying and working part time should be so exhausted she can't get out of bed to make tea.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Is everyone missing the fact that OP gave up HER career to help her DP advance his? He wouldn't have been able to if he had to pay for childcare, leave to do pick-ups or stay home to look after sick children!

[expatinscotland]

'Or more "thank you darling for giving up your career and raising my children so I could go out everyday and work without having to worry about childcare/illness/pick-ups. I accept that as a result of that, you have to go back to university in order to get another job, so now I'm going to support you the way you supported me"

Or maybe that's too much to ask?'

I assume it was by mutual agreement that one chose to stay at home for a while, a rather long while given that the younger child is 10.

And it's entirely possible to appreciate a person without bringing them a hot drink to sip in bed after you've got up even earlier to go to work. Like buy 'em a Teasmade.

[thankthoseluckystars]

Hermione - so was the OP forced into it by a domineering demanding husband, or more likely, was she happy to have years at home and now has the luxury - and sorry, but it IS a luxury - of retraining for a different career?

We could flip this about more than Pancake Tuesday. I recognise at least some of it is how Op feels but quite truthfully, even if someone's given you their kidney expecting waiting on with tea in bed is a bit - she is, I have no doubt, a beloved wife and mum, but she isn't the queen

[HermioneJeanGranger]

And it's entirely possible to appreciate a person without bringing them a hot drink to sip in bed after you've got up even earlier to go to work. Like buy 'em a Teasmade.

Yes, but the OP is clearly feeling massively under-appreciated if you read her posts. It's not really about the tea, but the fact that she does everything around the house and doesn't get a word of thanks in return. He used to bring her cups of tea and now doesn't even bother with that.

If I did everything at home, had sacrificed my career for someone else's and wasn't getting any thank you or appreciation, I'd be pretty fucked off too.

[PantsOfGold]

I think some people are taking this a bit literally. OP clearly doesn't lie around in bed all day drinking tea. She may get up a bit later than DP but she has already said that she works bloody hard and is retraining out of necessity. She's not doing a 'little' course to while away the hours of the day.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Hermione - so was the OP forced into it by a domineering demanding husband, or more likely, was she happy to have years at home and now has the luxury - and sorry, but it IS a luxury - of retraining for a different career?

I'm sure she wasn't, but her DP needs to appreciate that as a result of that, she can't really get a decent job without going back to school. So like she supported him in his career by staying home, maybe he needs to support her. And not just financially, but emotionally too.

A little bit of care/affection goes a long way.

[thankthoseluckystars]

If I was working all hours so my spouse could stay home with the children and was funding a postgraduate degree and didn't get a word of thanks, I'd feel the same.

So as I said, we can flip this around to our hearts content.

[user7755]

I think OP, that you have had lots of mixed views on this and would be better talking to DH than posting on here.

The fact that you have written a post about not getting a cup of tea in bed so that you can wake up nicely, and feel that this represents bigger issues but are choosing to complain about it online rather than address the issue, gives an impression of being quite needy which is, I don't think what you intended.

The fact that posters can see both sides shows that this isn't a case of 'he's a bastard and doesn't deserve you' or 'you're an entitled princess', it shows that communication is really important and you need to speak to each other.

[PantsOfGold]

thank you darling for giving up your career and raising my children so I could go out everyday and work without having to worry about childcare/illness/pick-ups. I accept that as a result of that, you have to go back to university in order to get another job, so now I'm going to support you the way you supported me

Well put Hermione

[Katenka]

It's clear that the tea isn't the only issue here. It's one thing she is focusing on that represents how she feels in general.

However she is really hanging on I the is cup of tea in bed idea. If dh won't do it she will try and get the kids to.

Because her mum and dad did it and she feels she needs that to feel loved.

She is deeply focused on this one act. It's not healthy.

But she does need to sort the situation in general.

My mum and dad used to cook my tea and wash my clothes. That's doesn't mean dh does or should have to.

[Katenka]

Is everyone missing the fact that OP gave up HER career to help her DP advance his?

so she didn't want to be a sahp?