To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

[HolgerDanske]

I can kind of agree with what you're saying. I've already said we're pretty much all broadly on the same page, and there are always going to be differences in how individuals perceive things. At the end of the day it's up to the OP to either find her peace with how her OH behaves, whether that's in the bigger picture or in the specific instance, or find a way to fix it.

But I'm going to throw it out there that I would seriously take 'I divorced my husband because he was a selfish twat who didn't value me and couldn't be bothered to make me a cup of tea of a morning' as a perfectly valid statement.

[mrsmugoo]

YANBU - I cherish my 15-20 mins sipping tea in bed each morning before the madness starts.

I have to get up and make it myself though - wouldn't necessarily expect anyone else to do this for me, I naturally wake up first in the house and I'd never insist on DH setting an alarm just to make me a tea.

I have a teasmade by the bed but I always forget to fill/set it and it's not exactly hard to get up and make a cuppa. Takes about a minute.

[Needtoprotect16]

I work part-time but simultaneously do a full-time postgraduate degree which means travelling in for lectures 4 days a week (2 hrs round trip). Last year it was 5 days.

Yes, I do all the household and most of the children stuff

[Focusfocus]

Ask your DH to! Mine makes me porridge to have in bed before leaving for work at 06:45 am (even when I wasn't on maternity leave!)

[HolgerDanske]

Your first step needs to be to step back from managing things on your children's behalf wherever possible. You should not be martyring yourself on the altar of motherhood, they're too old for that. The fifteen year old should be able to to do most things, and ten year old many. Figure out a way to share the load of the housework. One morning at the weekend everyone, including OH, should help to get the house in shape, for example. Individual responsibilities such as washing own clothes, or one washing load a week for each person on everyone's behalf. Both children are old enough to make a simple meal one evening, either separately or apart. Etc etc. Your OH, if he doesn't already cook, should cook one meal a week at least. Unless it's not practical. Don't do anything you don't need to do. Don't teach them that the woman's place in the household is to skivvy after everyone else with no appreciation for it. You will also make them better able to navigate life if you have taught them to be independent and capable of self-care.

[HollisterIsOverpricedShite]

I totally get this.

When you look after a house and family and do all the drudgery for everyone else (whatever the circumstances) there is something very symbolic about someone else bringing you a cup of tea in bed in the morning. It goes beyond the simple facts of the situation. It's someone else doing a tiny thoughtful thing for you when you spend your life doing a million thoughtful things for everyone else.

A few years ago DC and DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, a cup of tea in the morning. They laughed. I got lots of lovely presents, Chanel No 5, gorgeous handbag I wanted, fantastic meal out, but no tea. It grated on me all day and I ended up sobbing when we got home in the evening.

[thankthoseluckystars]

Bloody hell.

[OnGoldenPond]

DD (16) is first down in the morning and always has a cup of tea waiting for me when I get down. She is making herself one anyway. Had to ask her to as I have to be out very early in the morning but she has been quite happy to do this every morning since

[BillSykesDog]

It's interesting. I've seen a thread before where the DH was working 12 hour shifts, helped with the kids and the housework but asked DW to make him a sandwich for work next day because he was knackered when he came home from work and she wasn't and was up late which was her 'me time' which he didn't have much of. He seemed to be feeling under appreciated too.

The general consensus was he was a lazy entitled git who should make his own sandwich. It's interesting how the consensus changes when the sex is reversed.

[Katenka]

I am on the fence with this.

I get the OP thinks this important.

But I wouldn't like to be told I had to do this everyday.

I don't think him doing because she says so will solve the bigger issues.

Even if he did put off his own back, it's not helping the bigger issues

[HolgerDanske]

It's very sad that that thread went that way, and I really hope I didn't comment to that effect! Poor man. I hope I can say with confidence that I wouldn't have made that assertion given that set of circumstances unless there had been something in the OP that got my hackles up. I love making sandwiches for my OH's lunch, it's one of the ways I show him I care. But then he cooks wonderful meals for me whenever he can so it's give and take.

There's a middle ground here, as usual.

[Katenka]

Bill I was just the bling the same

[HolgerDanske]

Mind you there are some caveats. If there were extenuating circumstances such as three very young children which meant that mum was constantly touched out or on duty all day long, or one of them had ASD or other special needs, or maybe a high needs baby that could never be put down, or if the twelve hour shift was in an office or otherwise not demanding physically, I might have said that he should probably just make his own sandwich. But there would have had to have been some quite clear arguments and justifications for it.

The unappreciated bit is really difficult. It's the death knell of relationships, I think, when you get to that point that you realise there's nothing left but obligation and resentment

[mrsmugoo]

Yes BillSykes!

[HolgerDanske]

Also it's a little different here, the OP does everything, as far as we know, and the OH does nothing at all but go to work.

[thankthoseluckystars]

So is that magically sorted with the OP doing everything minus making one cup of tea?

Unlikely.

Plus, I get its sometimes a reaction against SAHP bashing, but going out to work isn't some sort of soft option.

[Trickydecision]

I sympathise and could not stand beng tea-less in bed. Routine here: DH up, brings tea and marmite toast to me in bed. I read or MN etc while he goes for a swim. He returns and brings me coffee. I am lucky and will not LTB unless he withdraws these privileges.

OP, your DP is a selfish bastard.

[YakTriangle]

Expecting someone to get up before you and make and bring you a cup of tea in bed - unreasonable.

Wanting someone to make you a drink at the same time they are already making one for themselves - not unreasonable.

Wanting your family to show at least a little shred of appreciation for everything you do, when no bugger else does any housework - absolutely bloody reasonable.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

hmmm

I think obsessing over the tea is unreasonable, when clearly it would just be a sticking plaster for other resentments.

I didn't like the "you're a SAHM (even though you haven't said you are and I am just assuming that with no evidence) so you should do absolutely everything to do with house and children and nobody else should do anything for you, ever, not even make you a cup of tea, because it's really hard to sit in an office 37 hours a week" tone.

On the other hand whining to be appreciated and demanding to be waited on as a symbol of that kind of loses any moral high ground and makes you seem needy.

It goes back to need to thrash out these resentments and a new distribution of labour with your family.

How does your DH feel about your degree - does he think he is subsidising your study by covering more of the household expenses and think you are in a lucky position to be able to do a post grad degree instead of have to do a boring or stressful full-time job? Or does he have more the attitude that you are investing in your future earning potential which has perhaps been damaged by his and your joint decision to put your job/ career on the back burner when the kids were smaller?

We have a bit more information now about the OP's circumstances - it could be that the OP is far busier and more stressed and working "harder" overall than her DH but that her DH feels resentful because she has the "luxury" of studying full time and "only" working part time? Perhaps he resents that especially if he dislikes his own job?

If the last paragraph is accurate the cup of tea is clearly the least of their problems, but also a bit of a metaphor for all the resentments on both side of their relationship.

On a totally separate note I get up earlier than my DH both on days I work early shifts (when I try desperately not to wake anyone else by showering in the basement and don't bring anyone hot drinks) and days I don't work/ only work evenings or later mornings, when I get up 15 minutes before him to wake the older kids (early school bus) and get in and out of the (nicer, upstairs) shower before he gets up, barely waves at anyone in passing and rushes out the door 15 minutes from his alarm going off. Yet he works more hours than me and brings in a lot more money - the one getting up first isn't necessarily the main "bread winner" as most posts have assumed.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I still think everyone (OP included) is focusing a little too much on the tea.

I'm willing to bet that if OP felt appreciated more in general, she would be happier to make her own.

When you do everything for everyone and ask for nothing normally, and then ask for one smallish thing you're going to feel upset when that one thing is refused aren't you? Even if that one thing isn't particularly reasonable.

[biscuitz72]

YANBU. Like you say, I think it shows appreciation and consideration.

I get a cup of tea in bed every morning. Have done for years. My DH or my 11yo makes it for me (and has done since she was about 7/8yo, although at that age it was more like 2/3 cup so that she didn't risk spilling it). I'm not an early morning person so it helps me wake up (6.30am). Also, I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis quite badly and my hands are very painful first thing in the morning, so the warmth from holding the cup helps immensely.

[FauxFox]

I make DH coffee in bed every morning - I am up first, I am making myself one anyway, it takes seconds and I know he appreciates it.

I love him, why would I not do this tiny thing? What is your DH's excuse?

[expatinscotland]

OP, you need to stop doing it all at home. Your children are old enough to be doing quite a bit and your partner should be.

Get a Teasmade.

'I fail to see how it could possibly be construed that asking for a cup of tea to be made and brought to her at the same time that he makes his own is demanding. '

I do. It's the 'Bring it upstairs to me so I can sip it in bed' aspect. I don't do it and wouldn't. I make his cup of coffee at the same time as mine in the kitchen. I then start sipping mine whilst getting the bread out and putting it in the toaster, butter out, etc, then move to the living room to get the telly on. He comes down and gets it.

But again, it's beside the point that her family does FA.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

I know my posts are too long ... OP what do you think, could it be that although you genuinely are far busier and more stressed and working "harder" overall than your DH he feels resentful because you have the "luxury" of studying full time and "only" working part time? Perhaps he resents that especially if he dislikes his own job?

If he resents you and feels that you are the one getting the better deal perhaps he doesn't share your view that you "do everything" and he also feels unappreciated and hard done by... However worked off your feet you are you might both be unhappy with your lot and think you come off worse and the other doesn't appreciate your sacrifices...

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I haven't RTFT yet, but two things I have done - train DD to use the Tassimo (she was 7 when she first used it, so your 10 yo is more than capable) and then put an old spare kettle upstairs with some mugs/tea bags in a nice little pot. I bought some of those single serving milk sticks from ebay and now have a hotel style tea making facility in my room.

DD and DS actually used to argue over who got to use the Tassimo (especially if they can make themselves a hot chocolate too!) The novelty has somewhat worn off now, but I can usually guilt trip one of them into doing it.

However, it is a shame that nobody is volunteering to do this one little thing for you and I think maybe a family chat about expectations and helping each other out might be in order. Pocket money can be linked to it too!