To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

[HolgerDanske]

If my OH wanted a coffee after work I'd happily get him one. But we're in a reciprocal relationship where we each appreciate the other and want to show that appreciation.

The only time I'd be giving a hostile reception to a man asking the same of his OH (let's bear in mind the tone here - OP is asking, not demanding) is if it was indicative of expecting a servile role from her.

And I don't believe hours spent working or how much each individual brings in from WOH is relevant here. A partnership is a partnership overall and is about more than cut and dry hours/finances.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

My husband would divorce me if I made a cup of tea or coffee and didn't make him one. He's the first thing in the morning maker usually though.

[Sunbeam1112]

My dad always brings my mum atleast two cups of coffee on a morning before she gets up. I kinda feel she takes advantage and has my poor dad running around after her.My DH has brought me a coffee if ive went for a nap due to pregnancy at the weekend but i certainly wouldn't expect one brought to me on every morning. He already in a rush to get to work and he doest expect me up to be making him a cuppa (works both ways) he does give DD a bottle on a morning.

I disagree with allowing your 10 year old to make a cuppa and bring it upstairs. I wouldn't risk of him falling and burning himself. I just don't see how you can't get up and make yourself one you sound entitled.

Your no different to many women who run around and never stop. Just ask the DC to help more and ask DH to help when hes off work at the weekend. Stop being a maytr and tell them to help but leave the cuppa out of it.

[thankthoseluckystars]

It's relevant only because OP feels unappreciated, when from the husbands point of view, he may feel the same. It sounds demanding to me to be honest.

[expatinscotland]

'Getting on with it is fine but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be cherished. '

By everyone pulling his or her weight in the home.

[Ledkr]

Right.

Get thee on Amazon and buy a one cup boiler and some of those little portions of uht milk then set up a hotel style drinks station and your away.
I did this at Christmas after I received it from a friends who takes the piss out of my early morning tea drinking, it's the way forward I tell you.

[diddl]

"It's relevant only because OP feels unappreciated, when from the husbands point of view, he may feel the same."

Well yes,he might feel that as everyone else is up & about & OP still in bed it's a bloody liberty to be asking that someone take her a cuppa up!

But of course, other things that are going on have made this seem over(?) important to the OP.

[Sunbeam1112]

Its double standards there would be hell on if the hubby returned home after a hard days works and demanded a cuppa. She is being cherish her hubby does out to work and so she can be a stay at home mum. Some families both partners work..i definately think being a stay at home mum is much easier than going to work then managing a home and running a household.

[TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief]

It's a little thing and means a lot to the op.
The fact that her dp makes a drink for himself and doesn't bother to make one for her is symbolic of how he treats and considers the op.

Most people would do so in those circumstances, wouldn't they? I know dh would do that for me and I for him.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I totally agree that it's not so much the tea as the failure of everyone in the house to do one little thing for you, when you do everything else for them.

You've grown up seeing your dad bringing your mum a cup of tea every morning and seen that as indicative of your dad's love and appreciation for her. You would like that same feeling of love & appreciation in your adult life.

I would never want a cup of tea in bed personally, but that's not the point. It's the appreciation and consideration that's important - everyone should feel valued in some way. These little things all count towards that.

[Artandco]

You def have more of a problem with running around after everyone. Why? The youngest person in the house is 10!

Write up a list of every single thing you do over the next week at home. Divide up dish out a % to everyone.

I would say 40% you if at home all day, 30% Dh as he's an adult also, 20% 15 year old who's old enough to do most things but presumably has school also, 10% to 10 year old as they are well 10.

Things like putting own Laundry always in baskets, clothes away, beds made etc shouldn't be part of list but something everyone does everyday themselves.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Also, OP could set up tea making facilities in the bedroom, but she would still presumably be making her own tea.

There would still be no consideration from others in that.

[Lweji]

She is being cherish her hubby does out to work and so she can be a stay at home mum.

1. Read the OP, she works
   
2. One partner to work away from home is not cherishing the other.
   
3. Sahms don't "get" to be sahm. Often they need to become sahm.

[expatinscotland]

'It's a little thing and means a lot to the op. '

Maybe it's not a 'little thing' to him. Maybe he's not a morning person and finds hauling up the steps again whilst she lies in bed and he gets on with it a PITA. No, I wouldn't do it for my DH. He gets up after I do most of the time. I come down, hating mornings, and put the coffee maker on and start getting the kids breakfast. By this point I have already had to cajole DS into getting dressed, got up and dressed, seen that DD has got herself up and is getting ready.

I pour out our two cups of coffee and prepare them and leave his on the side to pick up. I'd be really put out if he expected me to climb the steps again to hand him a cup in bed.

But thankfully he wouldn't ask such a thing and we share the work in the home in an equitable way.

And yy, if a man posted that he wanted to be served a cuppa to 'feel appreciated' he'd probably get a pasting.

[expatinscotland]

Exactly Art.

[GreenTomatoJam]

My parents were bereft when BT disabled the thing that would let you call the downstairs phone from the upstairs phone (before we all had fancy wireless ones).

Us kids knew that if the phone rang in the morning at the weekend it was a bad idea to answer it because 9/10 times it was mum and dad asking us to bring them a tea up.

Aww. Tea in bed brings back such memories, I can see why this makes you feel uncared for OP, and why it would be lovely if someone, anyone in the house would do it for you.

[diddl]

It's the "waiting on" aspect, somehow, isn't it?

That needs to be the choice of the doer, not requested by the person who wants it?

If he made a pot/cup as he left & called up to OP thatit was there, that would be something.

But yes, if my husband insisted that I take something up to him I would be, especially if I was up to be going to work.

Occasionally because I wanted to or at the weekend when I didn't have to be out of the house a different matter.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Sunbeam1112 where are you getting that she is a SAHM from? In her OP she says she works.

Needtoprotect you need to clear this up for us.

Even a SAHM of school age kids who actually does absolutely everything domestic (everything - list it all out, hardly anyone does everything, from all childcare to all cooking to all food and household shopping to all cleaning to all laundry to all gardening to all kids' clothes shopping to all homework help to all school communication to all calendar management to all holiday planning to all doctor's and dentists apts for kids to remembering and dealing with all family members on both sides birthdays and Christmases to all ferrying around of children and sorting out their extra curricular activities to all big household clear outs to all pet care and cleaning out to all bill paying and financial admin to all errands that need running) probably has more drudgery than somebody with a cushy low stress 9-5 office job.

Comparing SAHM and working outside the home is so meaningless except on an individual level - some jobs are all hours, some are set hours, some commutes are long and stressful, some are 10 minutes, some jobs are physical and full on and you never sit down, some you sit down all day, some carry heavy responsibility and stress, in some the most stressful part is being bored, watching the clock and trying to look busy...

I've done jobs that are a lot easier than being a stay at home mum and doing all the drudge work, and jobs that are a lot harder and more stressful. I assume though from the OP's first post that the OP is doing everything at home and a job and studying (for better job prospects), while DH is doing just the job part.

[Mouseinahole]

We have a tray by the bed with cups, travel kettle and an egg cup of milk. It's on his side of the bed so when he wakes up he makes drinks and we both have a cuppa in bed. Would yours go for something like that?
I do understand the need to be 'cherished' and I know I am lucky.

[HolgerDanske]

I fail to see how it could possibly be construed that asking for a cup of tea to be made and brought to her at the same time that he makes his own is demanding. Oh how demanding, what high expectations from the person who's supposed to love you.

And there is a very important nuance between that and the scenario mentioned earlier - if it's a demand of 'I'd like a cup of coffee every day when I get home from work, thank you' that would be along the same lines as ' I expect a meal on the table for me when I deign to grace you with my presence after my very important work, and that would be unreasonable.

On pulling one's weight, earning financially is a state of affairs that by and large works hugely in the man's favour. It is not a get out of jail free card that absolves the individual from making an effort in other just as important areas of a relationship. Frankly I'd rather pull all my own weight than deal with a man who doesn't value the concept of cherishing me.

But I've said my piece on this as I sense that we're all broadly on the same page when it comes to the bigger picture, just quibbling slightly over where individual lines should be drawn.

Need, I think you know why you posted this. I hope things get better for you.

and for you.

[HolgerDanske]

Argh sorry for missing punctuation up there!

[abbsismyhero]

yabu i drank mine on the loo ffs and i made it myself the joys of three kids!

[wowis]

completely understand op. I used to make one every day for my ex husband and during a conversation with friends talking about the division of chores(ha ha what fucking division?) I said and I make you a brew and bring it up! and he said yeah well nobody asked you too...
so anyway thank fuck he's now the ex.

My lovely dp brings me a coffee up quite often and after living with what I had I honestly feel it symbolises so so much and love him for it endlessly.
So sorry your dh can't be a little bit more aware and do it for you. I also think the suggestion before about 50p to whoever brings me a brew etc is a good one. but not the same Ib grant you.

[thankthoseluckystars]

It's very demanding because of those very words - brought to - and because she is in bed while he is starting his day.

There are two possibilities here and the first one is the op and her husband both work similar hours in equally demanding jobs, albeit ones with either different start times or different commuting times. She does everything in the house, all the giving kids lifts here and there, all the Christmas and birthday organising, caring for elderly parents, all the nagging about homework, all the admin and organising best insurance prices and so on, and he just goes to work and comes back.

OR op is either a SAHP ('work' does not necessarily equate to working outside of the home) or a student and is at home for most or all of the day. As such, all the housework falls to her and all the admin, but - the kids aren't toddlers, in fact they are very far from toddlers - and this gives op the luxury of being in bed in the morning while he's up and getting himself ready for work.

It might be a small thing but I'm going to be honest - I would REALLY resent, in the circumstances in the latter instance, being forced to take somebody a cup of tea up to show my 'appreciation' of them. People are saying it is such a small thing and yes, it is, so get up and make one yourself! It isn't the actual making it - I'm sure if say OP was getting up and as she came down he'd have a drink ready - but making it and trudging upstairs with it would be what would piss me off as I'd then be leaving for work in the pitch black and bloody awful weather we've had for the last few weeks leaving my spouse in a warm bed in a warm house drinking tea and it would make me feel a bit resentful. Not as a one off for feeling under the weather or heavy night with a toddler but as one more thing I had to do before leaving the house it would royally piss me off.

Either way, tea isn't the answer. If the scenario is more akin to my first paragraph then that needs addressing and sorting. If the routine you have is one stays home while one works, I think that's great and works well but it might be worth considering the organisation of duties if it isn't currently making you happy.

A big part of being an adult is that you don't get thanks, appreciation or similar for just doing what you do.

[MaybeDoctor]

Hmm, I did not grow up in a 'tea in bed' household and it does seem a bit master-servant to expect the person who has already had to haul themselves out of bed earlier to then make a cup of tea for the person who is still snuggling under the duvet. Then to resent someone for not doing it!

I would only ever expect it if I was in bed sick or maybe on a landmark birthday?