To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Did everyone else read the OP? It's not about getting her children to make her a cup of tea, it's about the fact that her DP does fuck all to show his appreciation for her, and CBA to even make her a cup of tea occasionally, even though she does everything else.

YANBU at all, OP. A little appreciation goes a LONG way, even if it's just in the form of an extra ten minutes in bed with a cup of tea every morning. You need to pull him up on this before he passes his shitty attitude on to his children.

[MidniteScribbler]

Does your DH make a cup of tea for himself in the mornings?

If he does, then I don't think you're unreasonable to expect him to make one for you as well. If he doesn't, then I do think you're unreasonable to expect him to make one just for you.

Deal with the other issues in your household instead of worrying about tea.

[iamEarthymama]

It's such an easy gesture to make though isn't it?
I usually make early drinks but we have the First Up Makes Rule.

DW didn't 'get' this sort of thing when we first lived together but realises how happy a simple gesture can make me and is very good at these things now.

OP please address your issues with your family.
I usually leave things and end up screaming which is not good
They probably do appreciate you but need to have the impact of appearing not to do so.

Here's a xx

[diddl]

I suppose you see it as a "normal" thing to do.

I'm sure a few of us don't.

If I was in bed & everyone else up & getting ready I wouldn't expect them to bring me a cup of tea, just them getting on & leaving me in peace would be enough!

That said, I know that my family care about me so don't need a particular gesture to prove it.

Perhaps doing less looking after & them pulling their weight more is what's needed!

[BitOutOfPractice]

YANBU. Not at all. I totally get what you mean about feeling unappreciated

To the people suggesting a teasmade, it's not about the tea fgs. It's about feeling appreciated and cared for.

OP this is obviously the symptom of a much larger problem (as is so often the case on these threads)

Have you got a plan for how you are going to tackle it?

[Lweji]

How about you try this:

A list of things for them to do regularly.
Divorce papers.

They (he) chooses what he prefers.

[HolgerDanske]

I completely understand why the luxury of a cup of tea you haven't had to make for yourself, and the accompanying time to relax and just be is so important to you.


I would explain it to your OH in very clear terms. That this would be one big, big way he could show his love and appreciation for you. Tell him straight out that this would be a luxury he could easily give you, without hardly any effort from him, and explain the principle that a small daily gesture from him would make you very happy. Surely if he understands how much it would mean to you, and if he wants to show his love and appreciation for you, he could fit this ritual into his day.

If there's no hope on his side, I'd firstly feel quite sad for you because it would seem he completely takes you for granted and can't actually be bothered to cherish you and your relationship, but I'd get the 10yo to one side and explain that this is something you would love him or her to do for you, as a way of showing love and appreciation for all the things you do for him. Tell him or her it's worth 10 mum points per day

[thankthoseluckystars]

I'll be the flamer then but hopefully a nice one :)

I find it so annoying when people act like the day can't begin until they've had a cup of tea or coffee.

If your oh doesn't appreciate what you do then that's a different matter but I remember my mum doing this and it was so annoying. And lazy to be honest.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

I understand you feel under appreciated and that is what would symbolise appreciation to you.

Does your DH get up before you normally though?

If he does, then bringing you a cup of tea in bed is a reasonable request and, as he does know how much it would mean to you and you do more than your share the rest of the day he is being curmudgeonly not obliging.

Its a much bigger ask if he normally gets up at the same time as you or later, than it would be if he habitually gets up earlier.

I never get back into bed once I am up (unless I am up at 3am for a night waking/ ill child or to go to the toilet - but I would never get back into bed just to drink a cup of tea, so I absolutely get why you don't see any appeal in drinking it in bad after you've got up to make it).

I do think you are making yourself sound petty and losing the moral high ground by demanding cups of tea in bed a bit though (despite understanding that it is symbolic for you - you are not your mum, your DH is not your dad, it's not really realistic to want to replicate their morning routine - it wasn't the morning routine your DH grew up with).

You'd do better sitting your DH down at a calm time and laying your cards on the table about how much you do and how much he doesn't do. Make a list of domestic tasks first - everything including making sure homework is done and parents evenings and school random demands for money/ stuff, birthdays and taxi service for kids as well as food shopping, laundry, kids clothes shopping, cooking and everything else. If you both work full time it should obviously be split 50/50. Ask him what he is going to take on.

Then maybe you could offload some of what your do, show him you are still doing more than 50% and insist on the morning tea to compensate - its that or he starts attending all parents evenings/ takes over full responsibility for remembering and acknowledging all birthdays/ children's shoe shopping for the rest of the 10 yo's childhood or whatever!

[Needtoprotect16]

Yes, yes, to those who realise what it symbolizes (and thanks for all the virtual teas).

Is 'not making tea' a reason to LTB? The answer is, probably, yes, if it symbolizes a lack of appreciation and disregard.

To those of you thinking that the kids should not copy him, I think you're right. It's hard cause I think kids partly learn through copying modelled behaviour don't they? I think I might try and gave a chat with them tonight.

[MuttonDressedAsMutton]

YANBU OP - not at all. So the thing is - it's time for you to speak up or put in place measures that might subtly make them think about all that you do and what would happen if you neglected to do some of it. Sounds like they've all got into a habit of not giving a shit - that might be true of your 'D'H but the children can certainly relearn a more positive model. I know you have a lot to do and think about but if you can change their way of thinking now you might save them from becoming horrible selfish shits in the future. Good luck

[cosytoaster]

I'd get tough and say before bed tonight that you're expecting a cuppa tomorrow morning and if it doesn't arrive they can whistle for housework/dinner.

[Needtoprotect16]

Oh, and yes OH gets up before me. Makes himself a coffee.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Oh, and yes OH gets up before me. Makes himself a coffee. Really??!! Oh, he's a twunt then. :(

[expatinscotland]

I don't get drinking hot drinks in bed. I love my husband, but I'm really not a morning person and am truly not up to bringing up a hot drink in bed. If he told me it was bring him a hot drink in bed every morning or divorce papers, I'd punt for the latter. There are other ways to show someone you appreciate them, particularly if you are not a morning person.

'Tell him straight out that this would be a luxury he could easily give you, without hardly any effort from him, and explain the principle that a small daily gesture from him would make you very happy. Surely if he understands how much it would mean to you, and if he wants to show his love and appreciation for you, he could fit this ritual into his day.'

I would find this a big effort, another 'ritual' to fit into mornings when I hate mornings. If my H did this, he'd get nowhere. Thankfully, he's a big boy and doesn't need to be brought a hot drink in bed.


Stop skivvying for them all. 10 and 15 is well old enough to do quite a bit for oneself.

They get delegated tasks to do for themselves and if they don't do them it doesn't get done.

And I'd rather have a husband who pulls his weight in the home than a hot drink in bed.

[IrritableBitchSyndrome]

OP - I'd love an update on how this goes. If you find a way to resolve this happily, please post and let us know?

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

Obviously the issue of sharing the workload more equally needs to be sorted, and if it is I'm sure the tea issue will lose some of its "significance" to you. I understand though, it's not about the drink of tea, it's the symbolic gesture of someone doing something kind for you.

If you can address the issue of sharing the workload (and I think this is non negotiable and presented to everyone as this is how it is) then perhaps you and your DP could take it in turns to make each other a drink in bed in the morning? Perhaps the DC could make you both one at the weekend? It would foster a sense of kindness amongst all of you I feel.

I think though if anyone should be doing this in the week it should be the adults not the DC. Although I worry constantly I'm putting too much on my DC as I am disabled, so I may be biased here I'm always stiff and sore in the morning and DH is an early riser so he always used to bring me a cup of tea and I loved it but felt guilty as he has enough to do, so I got a tassimo for the bedroom and it's bliss. I use it a lot in the day too when I can't make the stairs, it's an expensive buy just for a morning drink!

I hope you get it resolved. I know what you mean about a family tradition, DH and I often joke we are turning into my parental grandparents (GF used to do everything for GM, from tea and breakfast in bed to holding the car door open for her ) thinking now though, they absolutely adored each other so they're not a bad example!

[PurpleHairAndPearls]

Cross post, if he makes himself a cup of coffee, surely he could do a tea at the same time? And if you take it in turns you will both feel loved

[NicoleCrappleton]

If it were simply about you wanting tea brought to you in bed, you would BU and need to get over yourself. However, as it's not, based on what you've explained about husband doing sod all and kids making a meal over loading the dishwasher, YANBU. I'd try and address the fundamental problems rather than make it about the tea, though.

Also, to contradict what I said about this not being about the tea, if DH is making one for himself he should at least ask if you want one as well. That's only polite. I will admit I found the idea that you expected tea to be brought to you in bed pretty bizarre initially, but if he's up anyway he could make you one.

[user7755]

I guess the issue is whether you both perceive that you do everything around the house.

If he gets up and only sorts himself out and then goes to work and leaves you to deal with the kids then I can see that it would be nice for him to bring you a cup of tea to start the day off nicely, but you need to tell him that clearly.

If you both deal with the kids in the morning and he gets up earlier so that he can make himself a coffee / get everything done, I can understand his reluctance in making you a cup of tea in bed. This doesn't show a lack of regard on his part but a sense of entitlement on the part of the person staying in bed.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Oh, and yes OH gets up before me. Makes himself a coffee.

That's worse! I could kind of understand if he just got up and didn't make himself a drink and sorted the kids, but if he's putting the kettle on anyway, is it really that hard for him to make you a cup of tea as well, especially when he knows what it means to you.

I assume you've spoken to him about how unappreciated you feel? I would want to know why he thinks it's acceptable to leave everything to you and then not even say thank you. I do more than DP around the house because I work less hours, but he always says thank you and he still does bits and pieces when he gets home as well.

He sounds lazy and unappreciative, frankly. [tea]

[HolgerDanske]

expat I don't like hot drinks in bed either. But OP does. And her OH gets up before her and makes a hot drink for himself so there is nothing but his own self-centredness and/or disregard for her feelings stopping him making her a cup of tea as well. She's a big girl too and is perfectly entitled to wanting one little gesture from him.

Completely agree with what you're saying regarding skivvying though. Just don't agree that in this context the OP is asking too much.

[Owllady]

Speak to him about it?
Mine brings me one, I take him for granted :(

[LaContessaDiPlump]

While I don't feel any personal need for a cup of tea in bed before rising, I can see that it is important to you op. It is easy to see how it could seem a bit ridiculous to someone who didn't grow up with this going on in their home and so doesn't get the emotional aspect of it though. I assume your partner didn't have this in his home growing up, correct?

Maybe pick your battles. You said OH does minimal housework; I assume you've asked for help?

[Katenka]

If your oh doesn't appreciate what you do then that's a different matter

I agree with this part of a previous post.

If he made you a cup of tea everyday and still didn't do anything around the house, would everything be ok?

No it wouldn't.

If he is a selfish twunt 24/7 then he isn't going to not be for the five minutes it takes to make a cuppa.

It's the whole thing that needs tackling.

As for the kids, yes they learn from watching. But you can step and teach them to. They know you do a lot but don't think about it. Make them think about it.

Dd is lazy (typical can't b arsed teen) but I make her do stuff and have done for years. She wants a cup of tea she makes one and I thought to her ask if anyone else wants one. She has helped me do the washing from a young age, pair socks up etc.

On Christmas Eve the kids (youngest is four) helped me blitz the house. They cleaned all the skirting boards. The youngest didn't do a great job and I had to go over it. But he helped.

It sounds like your whole set up needs a overhaul so you don't feel so put up upon.