To want a cup of tea in bed in the morning?

[Needtoprotect16]

I know ... I know ... Sounds very entitled BUT I do so much in the house and 15 minutes of 'coming to' whilst sipping tea is now, sadly, one of the things that's really important to me given how much else I do: housework, work, study, look after everyone else.

So, now I'm reduced to making a flask and carrying it upstairs at night so it's on hand at 7am. It just seems very sad that I'm having to do this - indicative that no-one gives a flying fuck or appreciates all that I do. It's such a small thing but huge to me.

As a child, I saw my dad make my mum tea every day before going to work, so that's left its mark, I guess. That tenderness and care, realised through the tiniest of gestures, was so important. No-one bothers for me - not OH (knows but can't be arsed); 15 yr old (busy doing make-up/hair) and 10 yr old (too young). Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself this morning. Hey ho.

[expatinscotland]

'But OP does. And her OH gets up before her and makes a hot drink for himself so there is nothing but his own self-centredness and/or disregard for her feelings stopping him making her a cup of tea as well. She's a big girl too and is perfectly entitled to wanting one little gesture from him. '

Maybe he feels it's servant-like to bring someone a drink in bed. But then again, we pull our weight in the home and that's the bigger issue. The 'little gesture' doesn't compare to the big one: that her h doesn't pull his weight and neither do the kids.

[HolgerDanske]

I also agree with that, expat

Sad that so many women (and some men too, I'm sure) find themselves in relationships like this. How awful to be completely taken for granted.

[thankthoseluckystars]

Thing is, given the ages of the kids, if OP is a SAHP or even working part time (and her husband gets up before her to presumably go and get ready for work) then he is pulling his weight albeit in a different way.

[Etak15]

I've got 4 little ones, and on my work days I'm up at 6 so if I ever got the chance to be in bed later than 7 any day of my life I'd just lie there quietly before anyone noticed I wasn't up yet

[maybebabybee]

Your 10 y old is old enough to make a cup of tea. I used to bring my mum cups of tea from a very young age.

[HolgerDanske]

That's true too, but I know without a doubt that my OH would do something like this for me if I asked him, and he works longer hours (although only just) at a 'more important' job than mine. In fact I'd only have to mention it once and he'd do it for me without prompting. He already looks out for me in many small ways every single day, and actually does far more for me than I do for him in my view (although he would say that I reciprocate in ways that are just as important to him), but I never ever fail to appreciate it.

Even if he pulls his weight financially and she is at home all day there is no excuse for him to take OP for granted and not bother to look out for her in a way that she would appreciate so much when it hardly takes any extra effort on his part. He just doesn't want to.

[RB68]

I have to get up first in the week so make DH Coffee and stick it on his desk if he is around (often travelling) Weekends he makes me brekkie and brings it up most of the time.

We are lucky in that we work from home although he travels alot - I end up doing the majority of other stuff in the house including bins, gardening and decorating but if we have the money available I know I can pay someone to do it. He is a lazy arse and acknowledges that and often gives me permission to ball him out to get something done - I think this misses the point but it at least acknowledges that he is lazy and I am quite within my rights to have a go - lol

[MargaretTheQuestion]

Just result to child labour
Works every time!

[TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief]

That's horrible op. Your Dp makes himself a coffee, knows that you would appreciate a tea and doesn't bother.
Why won't he do it?

A pp was right. A little bit of kindness can go such a long way.
I feel sad that so many women have such unkind partners.

[seafoodeatit]

You should talk to him about it, it sounds unfair that he's making himself a drink in the mornings and not for you.

I would have never guessed so many people have a hot drink in bed, why aren't you able to have one after getting up?

[thankthoseluckystars]

I agree that taking someone for granted is awful but it could be considered from the opposite perspective which is that out of he two, she has the 'easier' role.

I am happy to admit here my responses are based on memories of my own parents with my mother groaning and grunting for what felt like hours every morning as my dad charged round doing all the work! My brother is the same now.

I tend to think - get on with it. Bringing a flask to bed because of desperation to have a hot drink - why? You're getting out of bed in a heated home in a first world country. There is just no need for all the drama and angst.

[expatinscotland]

What does he do round the house? That's the bigger issue. And really, the kids are far too old to be making a meal out of emptying the dishwasher.

[HolgerDanske]

Sorry but we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one.

[expatinscotland]

I'm with you sea and thank. I really don't get having a hot drink in bed. You have to sit up to drink it, anyhow. Thankfully, DH thinks it's ridiculous, too.

[HolgerDanske]

That was in response to the idea that OP should get over herself. Don't agree at all. Getting on with it is fine but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be cherished. There is no way on earth I'd be calling that drama and angst. But hey ho, each to their own.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

I think the "is the 10 year old old enough to make tea" thing is a red herring (of course 10 is old enough unless she's a tiny 10 year old and the kettle is an unusually huge heavy one kept on an unusually high counter - whether you are safe to use a kettle is more about height and strength than age, one of my kids has been making the occasional cup of tea since he was 6, whereas another was too physically tiny to confidently and safely handle the kettle of boiling water until about age 8).

Its a symbolic thing and not the 10 year old who should carry the burden of the gesture of appreciation though!

I must say it is hard to keep "appreciate me and show me you love and appreciate me by bringing me tea!" from sounding petty and needy! For it to mean anything it can't be done grudgingly...

Really it has to be a small, incidental, part of thrashing out a new distribution of labour around the house - you can hammer home how much more you do and make them see the morning tea is a small "thank you" gesture, or you can absolutely put your foot down about implementing a more comprehensive redistribution of labour.

The OP states in her first post that she works so all the SAHM bashers need to rtft - or even just the fOP!

[Lweji]

Why are people still going on about tea?
Maybe you should start a new thread about feeling appreciated and the workload at home, OP.

[diddl]

"I must say it is hard to keep "appreciate me and show me you love and appreciate me by bringing me tea!" from sounding petty and needy! For it to mean anything it can't be done grudgingly..."

Agree with that!

If I wanted tea in bed I'd likely justgetup & do it myself!

Op, are you sure that it had as much meaning between your parents as you have placed on it?

[HolgerDanske]

Thing is some people need to be taught to be considerate. Lots of people grow up entitled lazy and completely self-centred. If I wasn't being valued I would damn well say so and I don't actually care if someone might think it sounded petty. People who have been run around after all their lives tend to think that's how it works in relationships and life in general. It doesn't, or shouldn't, and people who know that make an effort to show their appreciation. Other people need telling. Without shame.

[MTPurse]

Have you actually said to your oh when he is getting up 'Bring me up a cuppa when you put the kettle on please?'

Has he said 'no?'

[thankthoseluckystars]

I am absolutely NOT a SAHP basher but although 'work' could mean paid work outside the home, OP doesn't specify what it is, where it is or what it involves.

He gets up early so I work on he assumption he works outside of the home and it's more hours than OP. It could be he actually works 6-2 and she works 2-8. We just don't know. But imagine the reception the husband would get had he posted insisting his wife brings him coffee after he's been at work all day to show her appreciation!

[JessieMcJessie]

Hot drink etiquette varies hugely from family to family. For example in my family we all liked tea/coffee just so and evolved into just making our own as others could not be trusted to get it right! So in my mind it's not selfish not to offer a cup. Are absolutely sure that your DH "gets" the symbolic significance of the act for you? What I am wondering is whether you have ever actually said "DH, you know when you stick the kettle on in the morning, could you please make me a cupcake while you are at it?" If you have done this and he still doesn't do it then he is an arse. But if you've just been dropping vague hints he's probably just too dim to realise (a) what you want or (b) the wider significance.

I say this not because I am suggesting it's all about the tea, but precisely because I realise it's NOT just about the tea. The problem is that he may well not realise what a difference this one gesture could make to your overall relationship.

As for him generally not appreciating you or pulling his weight, again you probably need to have a frank conversation about this. People generally push their luck until pulled up on things. We all do.

[GreenTomatoJam]

Teasmade. Just do it. They are AWESOME (or were pre-kids when this sort of thing was possible). Bloody hard to find though - when I wanted one a couple of years ago there was just one model - a swan, and it wasn't the thing of beauty my nan had.

My enduring memory of staying at my nans was waking up to their teasmade boiling and going bing though, so I may be a bit nostalgic about them.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

£0.50p per cup of tea brought to you in bed by 7am without scalds/on a tray so not dripped all the way up the stairs with the milk put back in the fridge and the tea bag in the bin. Bet your 10yo would go for it at £2.50 a week extra cash. You'd probably be drowned in extra cups in hopeful anticipation

Seriously though, if your husband is up and makes himself a cup of coffee, then I would simply say "I would really appreciate it if you could make me a cup of tea when you have time to make your own coffee before going out. It's such a small thing but it makes me feel appreciated and loved."

Any chance you are the world's fussiest tea drinker though?