"Sten do"/wedding

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

[AppleSetsSail]

Oh my god you have 3 under 3. That's pretty much as far as I got. Your SIL should be scaling back her expectations of you dramatically. Just say no.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Apparently the booking is on hold - this is mil's dream wedding venue but she won't be contributing anything so I'm praying that SIL sees sense here. I'm hoping that her husband to be will think it's too expensive for guests. "

"Interestingly, SIL does not seem 100% sure about the venue so it's held but not booked. I wonder if she's wavering on cost"

I think I'd be wanting a long and frank chat with SIL. This is her wedding after all, even though she seems to have very little input to it - apart from paying for it of course, since you say MIL won't be contributing.

Back the poor woman up against her awful mother. Just as MIL is able to make your DH dance, she undoubtedly fucks her daughter up about too. SIL needs someone to point out the huge expense she could be landing herself with if her guests can't afford this hotel (and personally I wouldn't pay that kind of money).

The best thing to happen would be for SIL to select another venue that he guests can afford and to tell her mother to bugger off.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

heR guests, doh!

[wtffgs]

Sten do???? I think "da fuq?" is my favourite and only response to this whole jamboree. Sweet mother of cheeses! How many more ways can people find to piss ££££ up a wall. I hope your H can grow a pair and say "No." To this ridiculous proposal.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Hmmm....I think I'm going to keep out of speaking to SIL (whom I actually like) as I don't want to be seen as interfering. I make sure I always try and get on well with SIL as I try to ensure that any nasty things said by MIL don't have any credence with others.

However - I will in all innocence be asking MIL about the room situation and what happens if all the rooms aren't taken etc - "Golly. How stressful! Fingers crossed it all works out!"

I also intend to take the wonderful suggestion of asking who will be sleeping where etc whilst pointing out that we just asked the hotel for a small room as it is a lovely treat but so expensive.

Advice though: what happens if MIL allocates us a room? Presumably I can call the hotel and change it

[Industrialhelicopter]

I would just drive up for the day and drive back- if it was child free. I don't approve of child free weddings but that is a different issue.

[BuyMeAPony]

I don't think the hotel would override the wedding party's room allocations, if you were to call and request to change rooms?

[Optimist1]

Industrial - I was thinking along the lines of paying for a taxi both ways from home would probably cost less than the hotel room and play havoc with MIL's rooming plans .

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Hmmm. I think I need to call ASAP as soon as I hear that the booking has been confirmed.

[Helloitsme90]

2 rooms because you have 3 children under 3. No that's a complete joke. There's no way a hotel would expect parents to sleep in seperate rooms to look after the children. You need 2 travel cots and a camp bed for the 2 year old. Sounds to me like MIL is trying to get you to pay for their room! Adding extras to your bill? That is nuts. I would be fuming. Also I wouldn't want to leave a 6 month old to go abroad. Don't go on the hen. SIL will prob organise a small night out just before wedding anyway. Or you could organise it for her. I'm just shocked at your PILs really! They sound completely Unreasonable

[PageStillNotFound404]

Why are you persisting in discussing everything with MIL? You don't like her, she doesn't like you, it's not her wedding, it's not in her interests to take on board anything you say and it's just giving her more power.

You and DH need to TALK to your SIL about the hotel BEFORE the booking is confirmed. It's her wedding that's going to crash and burn in flames if her MIL tries to rip off her friends and family and it's you and your DH who will be the soft touches tapped to make up at least some of the shortfall when it all goes the shape of the pear, so talk about it like adults NOW to avoid that happening. Stop letting MIL be the puppet master jerking all of your strings.

[Introducer]

You and DH need to TALK to your SIL about the hotel BEFORE the booking is confirmed

^ this

Seriously OP, you seem to be going backwards and forwards with what to do / who to speak to etc, and the one person you need to speak to, you've not mentioned.

Pick up the phone and ring SIL. Tell her what you have heard and mention your concerns regarding the rooms for the wedding, and the logistics / expense of the Barcelona trip with 3dc. Talk to her. You are making tons of assumptions without speaking to the main person /people (SIL and her future DH)

[littleleftie]

I agree with PP - MIL has you very well trained/brainwashed into thinking everything has to be run via her.

This is classic controlling behaviour. If you all start to communicate directly with each other she will throw a huge hissy fit as she won't want to be out of the loop, she won't be able to triangulate and manipulate to the same degree.

Just try it OP.

[MissBattleaxe]

Very good advice. Everyone in your family seems too scared to just say No to the crazy piper. If the Mil is not paying then she has no say. If you, Dh and SIL and oh! I just remembered there's a groom and a groom's family! If you ALL just say "we won't be doing that" then she is outnumbered and defeated

[HelloItsMeAgain]

Another saying speak to the SIL. You can do it in a kind "silly old me" way

"Somewhere wires have been crossed and I have got in a real muddle trying to understand the plans" and ask for clarity.

If it is all as MIL says then you can forewarn her with "Oh blimey, that is going to be really tricky for us. And sooo expensive...no one warns you about the expense of children . We will have to look into what we will be able to afford. I am sure you agree the most important thing is that we are there for your special day - we may have to bunk down in a B&B though. I am sure those prices are too much for others to so I am sure we will not be alone ."

Also let her know the hen/stag is most probably out of the equation. You'd love to come but cannot.


MIL is playing games. She is hoping no-one will talk.

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think you've done great in even considering you all going to the hotel / sten do!

I think your dh's family are all taking the piss.

There is such a fuss about weddings these days - foreign stag / hen do's. Expensive hotels etc.

Best of luck with this OP.

[Bunbaker]

I agree with Hello. Talk to the SIL. Also where is the groom in all of this? He doesn't get a mention. I'm curious to know what he thinks of his future MIL.

[MissBattleaxe]

Yes. Remember there's a groom in this and he has more clout that the non paying grasping MIL.

[OhBigHairyBollocks]

You really need to speak to your SIL. Personally it sounds as if MIL has railroaded her into this, and actually, she might need a bit of support. Whats your relationship like with BIL?

YANBU, in any way, shape or form, I just think its a little unfair to SIL that you arent going to speak to her about this, especially if you get on!

[Frazzled2207]

How bonkers.
We had a similar arrangement at our venue- there was a flat rate we paid for exclusive use and guests paid us for each room, but we subsidised people to stay and everyone knew that. And we only had to fill a dozen or so rooms and everyone else was in the premier inn.
No way will they "sell" all the rooms at that price.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Update - not quite sure what to do

DH phoned MIL and was told they are going to take the venue but rooms will be flat rate £200 a night. We are to get a suite . I do not want a suite and pay the same as someone else staying in a much smaller room. I will feel like a shit bag. However, I can probably live with this

I do not want to be away for 2 nights however as youngest DC will still only be 9 months - breastfeeding etc (although I can express and she will be weaned). I would have a very long drive on the morning of the wedding if I went in my own or have to get a train at the crack of dawn. DH is furious. Absolutely fuming. At me. He thinks I should go as it his sister's wedding. Which is probably true.

I'm becoming further entrenched as he had said that they want to come and stay for 2 nights for a bridal show and I cannot face seeing MIL for 2 nights. I just can't. It's not just the MIL issue - it's the fact that I have to juggle the DC with no one having the courtesy of even telling me when they'll arrive. It's like I'm a servant in a hotel. If I had no DC, I could suck it up. With 3 under 3, I can't face it. Plus DH will be working that weekend.

This is so awful. We are both furious and completely entrenched.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Part of the reason I am so incredibly cross is that MIL insisted that various people should be able to bring DC to our wedding -which we complied with. However, it's fine for children to be banned from SIL's

I think people should do whatever the fuck they want for their weddings. However, they have to accept that, as a result, some people cannot attend.

What is making me so ragingly angry is the fact that I am being instructed to attend without the same courtesies being extended to us - hypocracy thy name is MIL!

[Industrialhelicopter]

Go away to your family for the weekend. Leave them alone in your house with your DH at work. Easy.