"Sten do"/wedding

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

The Barcelona trip is on a bank holiday weekend, natch. Therefore more expensive than we were contemplating. Sigh. However, we have an agreed budget do it looks like SIL will be getting a 5p wedding present at this rate. DH is totally onboard about only paying for his stuff.

DH and I have had a rapprochement of sorts in that I've said I can't commit to going to the wedding and I'll just need to see how I feel closer to the time once we get an actual invite.

Re: MIL and SIL coming. I will be here. We do have a cleaner - to be fair - so she will get room ready. I have another thread on this but MIL has firm for turning up whenever the fuck she feels like so I have made it clear to DH that I will not be answering the door until 6pm and will be out in the afternoon.

They always piss us about re: food too so we/the DC will be eating at the normal times and I'll make stuff that can be frozen if they don't appear. If they appear late for food, they can help themselves to cold stuff from the fridge - i.e. I'm not doing a running buffet.

DH is working whilst they are here - cheers for that DH - so I'm organising something for the next day with a friend (probably meet for breakfast) and the DCs and I will be clearing off out fairly early which will hopefully encourage them to go then too.

[Lotsofplanetshaveanorth]

Holy smokes... Why bridal shower and Barcelona? That's extraordinary

[TrinityForce]

I'd divorce him for his family.

[Hissy]

Ok. I'm single. Never had a mil, as either foreign or deceased, but I don't agree with this "allowed" busines.

We are fully functioning adults, and we have every right to say no. Every right. They won't like it, but sometimes we all have to accept things aren't going to go the way we want , especially when bulldozing is involved.

[Hissy]

Unless your dh has the weekend off, there is no way you can be expected to host his DM and Sil AND juggle 3 under 3!

If they want to foot the show, that's fine, but it has to be by staying in a premier inn or something.

When he's back he can arrange a dinner or something, but you can't be expected to do all this.

Put your foot down. It's really not going to work for anyone.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

ethel - we need to set up a support group. It is infuriating. We don't row much but 90% of arguments are about his family

According to DH, the only waybthstvyou can avoid seeing another person's family is to divorce them!

[ethelb]

Gobbolino the fact your DH is not allowing you to determine when you see your MIL but is happy for her to dictate your interactions is not ok.
Im not going to sneer and bark that you have a DH problem. Its not helpful and I know as my DH is the same.
We are currently locking horns over a MIL visit after she cancelled several in a way that I would never be allowed to do.
It is beyond infuriating and hurtful. I dint have any suggestions but wanted to point out your anger at this is justified.

[Industrialhelicopter]

I think he thinks that if I'm not there when MIL and SIL are, that is making an absolute point. Which I agree with. And we're not really point people. Plus SIL wouldn't get to see the DC. So I'm stopping the DC from seeing their family. Which is also true.

No you are giving them family time. A chance to be together as a family before his sister marries. What could be nicer/

Plus as they don't want your children at the wedding and feel the need for child free time - that is exactly what you are giving them (OK That is making a point and a bit of a dig)

Just say that your parents neighbours auntys sister has a big party that you have been invited to that weekend. Lucklly not a child free one.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I think he thinks that if I'm not there when MIL and SIL are, that is making an absolute point. Which I agree with. And we're not really point people. Plus SIL wouldn't get to see the DC. So I'm stopping the DC from seeing their family. Which is also true.

So that's the rational bit. The irrational bit of me thinks that I really don't want to see MIL and I'm not really minded to agree with DH as I'm so cross about the whole thing.

[Leeds2]

DH can get holiday from work then. Not your problem. Appreciate that may reduce the time he can take for family holiday later in the year, but would probably be better for you!

MIL sounds vile.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

industrial - I have suggested that to DH. He thinks this is "unwelcoming"

Oh this is awful. I'm so cross I'm finding it hard to remain rational.

[Industrialhelicopter]

Go away to your family for the weekend. Leave them alone in your house with your DH at work. Easy.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Part of the reason I am so incredibly cross is that MIL insisted that various people should be able to bring DC to our wedding -which we complied with. However, it's fine for children to be banned from SIL's

I think people should do whatever the fuck they want for their weddings. However, they have to accept that, as a result, some people cannot attend.

What is making me so ragingly angry is the fact that I am being instructed to attend without the same courtesies being extended to us - hypocracy thy name is MIL!

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Update - not quite sure what to do

DH phoned MIL and was told they are going to take the venue but rooms will be flat rate £200 a night. We are to get a suite . I do not want a suite and pay the same as someone else staying in a much smaller room. I will feel like a shit bag. However, I can probably live with this

I do not want to be away for 2 nights however as youngest DC will still only be 9 months - breastfeeding etc (although I can express and she will be weaned). I would have a very long drive on the morning of the wedding if I went in my own or have to get a train at the crack of dawn. DH is furious. Absolutely fuming. At me. He thinks I should go as it his sister's wedding. Which is probably true.

I'm becoming further entrenched as he had said that they want to come and stay for 2 nights for a bridal show and I cannot face seeing MIL for 2 nights. I just can't. It's not just the MIL issue - it's the fact that I have to juggle the DC with no one having the courtesy of even telling me when they'll arrive. It's like I'm a servant in a hotel. If I had no DC, I could suck it up. With 3 under 3, I can't face it. Plus DH will be working that weekend.

This is so awful. We are both furious and completely entrenched.

[Frazzled2207]

How bonkers.
We had a similar arrangement at our venue- there was a flat rate we paid for exclusive use and guests paid us for each room, but we subsidised people to stay and everyone knew that. And we only had to fill a dozen or so rooms and everyone else was in the premier inn.
No way will they "sell" all the rooms at that price.

[OhBigHairyBollocks]

You really need to speak to your SIL. Personally it sounds as if MIL has railroaded her into this, and actually, she might need a bit of support. Whats your relationship like with BIL?

YANBU, in any way, shape or form, I just think its a little unfair to SIL that you arent going to speak to her about this, especially if you get on!

[MissBattleaxe]

Yes. Remember there's a groom in this and he has more clout that the non paying grasping MIL.

[Bunbaker]

I agree with Hello. Talk to the SIL. Also where is the groom in all of this? He doesn't get a mention. I'm curious to know what he thinks of his future MIL.

[CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think you've done great in even considering you all going to the hotel / sten do!

I think your dh's family are all taking the piss.

There is such a fuss about weddings these days - foreign stag / hen do's. Expensive hotels etc.

Best of luck with this OP.

[HelloItsMeAgain]

Another saying speak to the SIL. You can do it in a kind "silly old me" way

"Somewhere wires have been crossed and I have got in a real muddle trying to understand the plans" and ask for clarity.

If it is all as MIL says then you can forewarn her with "Oh blimey, that is going to be really tricky for us. And sooo expensive...no one warns you about the expense of children . We will have to look into what we will be able to afford. I am sure you agree the most important thing is that we are there for your special day - we may have to bunk down in a B&B though. I am sure those prices are too much for others to so I am sure we will not be alone ."

Also let her know the hen/stag is most probably out of the equation. You'd love to come but cannot.


MIL is playing games. She is hoping no-one will talk.

[MissBattleaxe]

Very good advice. Everyone in your family seems too scared to just say No to the crazy piper. If the Mil is not paying then she has no say. If you, Dh and SIL and oh! I just remembered there's a groom and a groom's family! If you ALL just say "we won't be doing that" then she is outnumbered and defeated

[littleleftie]

I agree with PP - MIL has you very well trained/brainwashed into thinking everything has to be run via her.

This is classic controlling behaviour. If you all start to communicate directly with each other she will throw a huge hissy fit as she won't want to be out of the loop, she won't be able to triangulate and manipulate to the same degree.

Just try it OP.

[Introducer]

You and DH need to TALK to your SIL about the hotel BEFORE the booking is confirmed

^ this

Seriously OP, you seem to be going backwards and forwards with what to do / who to speak to etc, and the one person you need to speak to, you've not mentioned.

Pick up the phone and ring SIL. Tell her what you have heard and mention your concerns regarding the rooms for the wedding, and the logistics / expense of the Barcelona trip with 3dc. Talk to her. You are making tons of assumptions without speaking to the main person /people (SIL and her future DH)