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AIBU?

"Sten do"/wedding

213 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 20:40

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

OP posts:

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Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 23:51

Actually, £500 for 2 nights in a not terribly good country house hotel is insane. I'll drive!

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Bunbaker · 29/12/2015 23:53

Forget Barcelona. Just tell them you can't afford it. End of. Why is this so difficult?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 00:04

I'm deffo not going to Barcelona. If I'm going away for the weekend, I certainly don't want to be going with MIL.

My problem is that DH wants to go so I can't really stop him.

I think I'm going to accept that he wants to go there and accept we need to stay 2 nights at the hotel probably. However, SIL is getting a £50 token wedding present. We'll have to pay for DH's usher gear but I'm not wearing anything new and we are not paying 1p towards the PILs

The only reason I would want to go.to Barcelona is that mIL would hate it but it's not worth stumping up just for that

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Bunbaker · 30/12/2015 00:10

Is the wedding venue a three hour drive away for everyone? Why can't SIL chose something more local?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 00:19

No - to be fair, it's only about 45 minutes from the PILs.

I just feel so bloody cross about it all. Then I feel guilty because I think.it's,DH's sister's wedding so I should be being all nice and excited about it so then I feel guilty and cross.

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FlatOnTheHill · 30/12/2015 00:20

YANBU
Why do peoples poncey weddings always leave the guests out of pocket.
As soon as the invite hits your door mat its oh shit, im going to need a loan for this circus
What happened to the days of having the reception in your front room

FlatOnTheHill · 30/12/2015 00:24

I get your point about MIL and your children and all the other stuff. It all sounds too much OP. Leave the younger two with your family for 1 night.
Be honest I would not want to go

magoria · 30/12/2015 00:27

Get a hotel within 30 mins or so and get DH to take a taxi (or would he probably crash drunk in someone else's room?).

One of you would have to not drink with the kiddies anyway. That will still be cheaper than the hotel room.

All the time you do what they say without saying no you continue the cycle.

LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2015 00:31

Ring the hotel and find out yourself how much the rooms are for the wedding. I wouldn't be surprised if that £250 quote includes the bride and grooms room costs to!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 00:37

Had a look online. This place is in the middle of nowhere so all the other places are booked up. We were just told the date this evening so no chance to look before.

Rooms in the hotel can go up to £485 a night! Surely there will be significantly reduced rates for guests. Dh seems to.think.it's around £250

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Bunbaker · 30/12/2015 00:46

I would be interested to know whether other invitees pull out once they know how much it costs to stay at this place.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 00:52

I wonder too. The groom doesn't have a particularly well paid job and neither do his friends (can't say too much without being identifying). Most of them will be,travelling a fair distance and will need to.stay 2 nights. From what I've seen, there's no other accommodation in the vicinity - reasonable or not. This is bonkers. I feel totally anxious about the whole thing and we are reasonably comfortable.

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MooseTrap · 30/12/2015 01:32

You need to sit down with your DH and work out what it is you both want to do. It sounds like he doesn't mind going along with your SILs plans.

Why don't you leave all three DC with your parents for the night. It would be much better than driving with the three year old and you could then relax at the wedding.

ohnoppp · 30/12/2015 02:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 30/12/2015 02:08

Sort out a budget limit for both occasions and a present ; wewould say 500 all told would be pushing, but it sounds like you have more disposable income than we do. If the wedding hotel eats up mostof it, then you can't do anything else.

Industrialhelicopter · 30/12/2015 02:23

Have you called the hotel directly and asked about a family room or the options? Explain the ages of the children and ask about fire regulations if children are in a room alone etc (many won't allow children not to be with an adult). Ask if you can take roll out beds (just bring a single duvet and put it under them on the floor) and a travel cot for the children (so no additional bedding needed)

Introducer · 30/12/2015 04:16

You and DH are on different pages from what you're saying.

Barcelona is expensive. My trip there was c£500 for one person including everything (flights, parking, hotel, food, drink etc) for 2 nights.

It's all well and good saying you're not going but you do realise you're pregnant and will have 2 kids to look after whilst DH is there...? I would seriously consider saying that both of you aren't going and speaking to DH about this. Someone said up thread about being there for the important bit (wedding) and that's where the effort should be made.

Wedding - I'm going against the grain here, but you have to go.

It's family and you can't get out of it so don't cause waves by trying to.

The rooms at £250 are what they are and if there are no alternatives nearby, book them for 2 nights.

Speak to hotel about 3 kids staying - they will have a family room surely, out of 30 rooms? If not, explain you will be booking one room only, and potentially bringing only one child depending on your childcare situation (*dont tell them any more)

In your position, I'd take all the kids and commit yourself to the meal and first dance, then you can take kids off to bed and put your feet up, leaving Dh at the wedding. I'd also go up together as a family for 2 nights on the basis that you both don't go to Barcelona.

Shutthatdoor · 30/12/2015 05:00

fire regulations if children are in a room alone etc (many won't allow children not to be with an adult).

Well their answer will be one parent in each room so that is a non arguement.

DinosaursRoar · 30/12/2015 07:41

Have you looked at self catering cottages nearby? If your parents were coming along to look after the dcs, would your dad give you a lift to the hotel for the wedding itself so you could have a drink? (Leaving your mum with dcs) mine would, worth a look! (And means you won't have a room tab at all).

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 07:56

Can you look for a self-catering cottage, and tell SIL that it so happens you have some invented friends who live nearby who have offered to let you stay?

Is DH on board with you about not subbing the PiLs?

waitingforsomething · 30/12/2015 08:03

Yanbu at all. I actually think you are being very gracious about forming out 1000 pounds for hotel rooms- that is obscene. Do you have to stay there?

People take the piss with dtag and hen dos - do not go. I also wouldn't want to leave the 6month old .

GogoGobo · 30/12/2015 08:30

Bottom line is you don't want to do any of it so just work out the minimum you can participate in and put a brave face on for that bit.
Money is a red herring as you guys can clearly afford it. You just don't like SIl and Mil which is fine but be honest about your motivations to scale back, at least to your DH!

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Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 08:46

I've checked online and it is £35 per child (in a cot) per room per night. This is to cover "linen" (even if you bring your own cot and sheets)and "breakfast". So that would potentially be an extra £140 if the two youngest go.

The D.C. bar the baby are definitely staying at home now! I am not going to say anything about the baby and turn up with her and our own cot etc.

Apparently the booking is on hold - this is mil's dream wedding venue but she won't be contributing anything so I'm praying that SIL sees sense here. I'm hoping that her husband to be will think it's too expensive for guests.

If they do go there, it will be a total stretch so they will take the cheapest package possible and I won't even be able to get pissed without forking out a fortune. From the website, the cheapest glass of wine is £8.79!

I'm going to discuss with dh tonight. We won't be able to go on a summer holiday at this rate. We do have a break in February booked but realistically I think we need to cancel that and I think it's totally unfair to do so, so that he can go to Barcelona. The flights are already £140 but knowing SIL everything will be decided at the last minute so there won't be much if anything in the way of cheap deals.

I'm going to look.at self-catering today. I'm tempted to tell dh to bunk in with his parents and I'll stay there!

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Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 08:57

I don't like MIL (who is horrible to me) that is true and I don't want to leave the DCs to go to Barcelona. The dcs are the biggest consideration so I'm not going principally for that reason and I also don't want to.spend that kind of cash on flights etc. If it was a night away or out in.the UK, I would go.

The wedding I think I'm stuck going to but I want to minimise the cost as much as possible and I'd prefer not to have to see MIL for two nights. If I go myself on the day, then we have the additional cost of taking two cars. I could go for two nights but not go to the meal on the basis that I can't leave the baby in the room on her own - true. If we have to.stay at the hotel, then that is the most likely option. Dh is self employed so I'm going to suggest he doesn't take the Friday off and works to fund this so we would arrive in the evening - less drinking time and therefore less drinks/lunches etc to buy for the PIL.

I am also going to.have a quiet word with the hotel and say that nothing is to be added to the bill without both mine and DH's say so by any third party.

Definitely

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HermioneWeasley · 30/12/2015 08:57

There must be a premier inn or travelodge or b&b within an hour of the venue. Travel as close as you can the night before and then finish it off the next morning. Take oldest with you, leave other 2 with your parents. Stay the night if the wedding at the venue (if you must) and buy cheap gift as subbing their venue at the cost of (at least!) £250/night is your gift.

You both decline Barcelona if it means not having a family holiday. I would have thought you'd be hard pressed to do 2 nights in Barcelona for less than £400 inc spending money, especially when you add in all the incidentals like getting to and from airports etc.

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