"Sten do"/wedding

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

[Bunbaker]

I knew they were trying to make money out of the hotel bookings.

Don't stay there. Either go up for the day or stay somewhere else.

[rookiemere]

That's ridiculous that the wedding party can charge what it likes.

But as that's the case and if you are staying there you need MIL to confirm in writing how much your room costs and what that includes i.e. presumably breakfast. In fact it may be worth emailing her now to say that you are working out costs and you'd like to know how much the room is as you'd rung to confirm and there seemed to be some discrepancy.

Be warned nearer the event, if they go ahead in this venue, they'll try and stick it to those who have already booked rooms to pay extra to subsidise the fact they won't be able to fill it. Therefore written confirmation of your rate will come in very useful at this point.

However it will be of no use whatsover if your DH's parents are able to force him to pay more.

You do need to have a very honest conversation with your DH. Tell him that you're going to his Dsis wedding to support him and you're happy for him to go to Barcelona, but if his parents or Dsis start to demand extra costs or subsidising for either of these events, then you'll be really disappointed in him if he caves in.Point out that your own wedding was not presumably paid for by SIL.

Do keep us updated, I have a feeling that this thread will run and run...

[MissBattleaxe]

Op your DH's family is treating you both very badly and potentially exploiting wedding guests.

I would be very firm with DH and get him to be firm with the ILs. The reason they are stilling pulling this shit is because they have never been stopped.

I am aghast that they expect to be paid for by their son who is supporting a family of five. Their selfishness and grabbiness is breathtaking.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Ridiculous! We had exclusive use of our hotel for a weekend which was in the relative arse end of nowhere in Kent. We subsidised all the rooms to the same price as the nearest b&bs at £60 to £100 per night depending on size (no local Premier inns etc) and said we hoped people would choose to stay. Everyone did.

Yes we had to cover a fair whack of the cost ourselves but it was our choice to have exclusive use!

And definitely don't pay for your in-laws!

[Hissy]

There was a hen party hotel thread on here a while ago - bridesmaid was trying to get her own costs covered.

As it stands, exclusive use means all rooms are paid for already?

I'd decline, and let dh decline too, go to the reception only and find a bnb if need be, or just buy a fuck off takeaway and wish them all the very best

Agreeing to go means you are either going to get fleeced, r the bride is colluding to have you pay for her wedding.

Fuck the lot of them. Give them the wake up call they need.

[meercat23]

Sorry if this is a stupid question or if it has already been covered and I have missed it but, if no children are allowed in the hotel why does your MIL think you will need to book two rooms?

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

The thing is this could be very stressful for SIL as literally on the wedding day itself she's going to be wondering if anyone will cancel and she's left footing the bill

Further, the rooms are all quite different standards but from what I can work out, MIL intends to charge a flat rate for them all so she and FIL (and her chosen guests) will be in a suite subbed by the rest of us who are staying in significantly smaller rooms at the same price! You really could not make this shit up.

I absolutely agree that we need to get the price of the room fixed. I will be pre-paying and demanding an email from the hotel with a receipt confirming that the whole cost of our room has been paid for so the price can't suddenly "shift" again.

I also need to speak to DH about subbing them generally. It's very, very difficult. It needs to be done more in sorrow than in anger but I find that hard as it makes me so flipping cross

[expatinscotland]

I'd go because the DH is such a mug he lets them fleece him. The only way I'd not go is if he went with nothing but cash. No cards. And again, room paid with a pre-loaded card. I use a pre-loaded card to book rooms all the time, as long as the cost of the room and a bit extra is on it, it's always gone through.

I'd put my foot down with him about that and doing the same for Barcelona.

Time for them to cut that shit out. He has 3 kids now.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Sorry, meer. It's not clear. We were originally told 2 rooms and then MIL told DH last night that anyone under 8 wasn't allowed access to the hotel. I see that the hotel charges a fair bit (dint want to say for fear of outing) for any child in a high chair upwards so I think MIL sees this as a way of saving a couple of hundred pounds. Plus, I think she thinks I may be so pissed off I won't go. Nae luck there MIL

[expatinscotland]

She's counting on your not being there so she can fleece her son. Fuck that. Go along for one night, both of you. Pre-load the card. Take cash. NO other cards. Then they can't do FA.

And you and DH need to have a serious talk about this because it needs to stop.

[Bunbaker]

"The thing is this could be very stressful for SIL as literally on the wedding day itself she's going to be wondering if anyone will cancel and she's left footing the bill"

That's her problem, not yours.

Why can your husband not stand up to his family? He just needs to say that he is not subbing them and it is not negotiable. End of.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

expat - I seriously think you might be my mum . She's all and

[BeyondCBA]

I'll tell you one thing.

Fuck buying them a gift when you are spending hundreds on attending.

[BeyondCBA]

Even a token one. Not so much as a fucking spoon.

[SanityClause]

Can you plant the seeds of doubt into your SIL's mind?

"Aren't you worried that if people have to cancel at the last minute, you'll be stuck with their share of the bill? We had x couples cancel for one reason or another."

And

"Aren't you worried that people won't want to pay that much money to say? I mean, we're close family, but people like Great Aunt Flo might just decide not to come, if they can't afford it."

[expatinscotland]

'I also need to speak to DH about subbing them generally. It's very, very difficult. It needs to be done more in sorrow than in anger but I find that hard as it makes me so flipping cross'

The sorrowful thing is that every penny he subs them for it taken straight out of his children's mouths and hands.

[littleleftie]

What Hissy said - in spades!

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Jesus, I have read through this whole thread and I am flabbergasted. I'm not really qualified to comment because I can't imagine paying £6k for a holiday I didn't even want to go on and then a further grand on extras some arsehole added to my bill!

Personally, I would only consider going to the wedding after having spoken to SIL as clearly she doesn't have a clue what's going on. I would consider the ridiculous 'stem' do and I would be telling DH if he goes, he goes alone and he has a budget of £200.

I'm sorry to say your MIL sounds horrible but so long as your DH and you continue to make allowances and never give an outright 'no' with a reason, she will never stop taking advantage. Tell your DH to stop being such a wet blanket!

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

And don't get them any sort of present either!

[rookiemere]

I like the idea of playing with SIL.
You could also have fun with MIL too OP.

Get the hotel brochure out and look at the rooms:

"Which one will we be in - is it this nice suite here. Who are you going to put in these tiny rooms - will they be paying the same, I do hope it's not us what with being family. £250 for one night is such a lot but it will be so nice to have a night away from the DCs - great idea making it child free. What happens if you don't fill all the rooms? "

Of course i'd probably not do this in real life - every small victory you score will be paid back for many times in Euros on the Barcelona trip unless you manage to get your DH to go down the pre-paid card route that expat advocates.

[Dipankrispaneven]

Frankly, in your shoes I would be searching high and low for a B&B within a reasonable distance and booking there. This whole thing is just ludicrous in financial terms.

[magoria]

What shitty selfish people use the people they are supposed to care enough about to invite to their wedding to ramp up hotel costs and get a quick buck out of them?

I bet they then expect £££ spent on presents or in an envelope as well.

BIL & SIL will find themselves with no guests or friends after this.

[DinosaursRoar]

At this point, I would definately check all other hotel options, B&Bs, cottage hires (sharing with a few other guests if need be to get the costs down!) any other option than staying in that hotel so

a) you don't sub your SIL's wedding she can't afford without tapping up her guests (so cheap and nasty!) and
b) you don't have a room to charge anything to. You leave at the end of the night and that's that. I would offer to drive to/from said hotel - perhaps offer to find somewhere halfway between your house and wedding venue as "we've got to pick up the kids early from my parents as they have lunch with friends the following day."

Take cash and no cards (If you aren't drinking anyway, limited money would be needed).

[DinosaursRoar]

oh and I've had other friends do this exclusive use and set their own rate - every single one has set the rate at below what it would be to just book the room on a normal weekend, most have chosen to sub their guests, not have their guests sub them. So very very cheap!

[SpeechlessInSeattle]

Op, have just read the entire thread and am shocked and disgusted in turn at all of this. My eyebrows are raised so high they've disappeared under my fringe!

I really hope you manage to sort things to your best interests.

Print out these little posters below, and put them up everywhere you can. where the MIL can't fail see them