Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Sten do"/wedding

213 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 20:40

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 11:13

Very good idea 're: calling the hotel.

As soon as it's confirmed, I will be calling and asking about the booking.

OP posts:
Fyaral · 30/12/2015 11:13

What on earth did they add to your bill? How did they react when it was taken off? Cheeky fuckers!

whois · 30/12/2015 11:15

No to the sten do - you can't afford it.

No to the hotel rooms - book a cheaper alternative. Just bloody be upfront with them and say you don't have that kind of spare cash.

Bunbaker · 30/12/2015 11:28

"As soon as it's confirmed, I will be calling and asking about the booking"

Don't wait until it is confirmed, enquire now and then when your in-laws present it as a fait accompli you can tell them that the hotel is ripping them off and the rooms actually cost £150 per night or whatever.

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 11:37

I must say, if PiL's stuff got added to my bill in a hotel, I would be telling the hotel to take it right off again. They would have to be stupid to move stuff from guest A's bill to guest B's without B's prior agreement, and if they are that stupid they have to pursue guest A or accept the loss.

Jux · 30/12/2015 11:58

How much would a taxi from the nearest b&b cost? I bet it would work out cheaper to stay in a nice quiet b&b where they can't shunt things onto your bill, and get taxis there and back.

Even if my most adored relative were getting married, I don'tthink I'd be prepared to spend more than 500 quid all told.

Does your sil run with a particularly rich set? Are they very posh?

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 12:12

Your ILs sound horrific and I don't blame you for being annoyed about it all. However you do need to temper this with the fact that your DH wants to go to his sister's hen do thingy and wedding and that's not an unnatural desire on his part. Also £250 for a room is steep I agree but at least it's not abroad, I can't see a holiday cottage costing much less to be honest although at least you could bring all DCS and grandparents.
Barcelona costs can be kept down by renting an apartment. That way even if DH does get boondangled into paying his parents costs it would still be less expensive than a hotel.

I think the key issue here is that the base costs are high - I'd reckon about £1500 all in for wedding and DH only to Barcelona - but it's the cost of paying for everybody else that will make it ridiculous.

I'd ring the hotel now and find out their actual policy on children in room not MIL interpretation of what it might be.
Work out the costs properly and then talk it through with your DH. I think a fair compromise is that he goes to Barcelona and you both go to the wedding with as many DCs as one room will allow but you make a budget for Barcelona based on him only paying his own costs and ditto for the wedding, however I suspect if you go to the meal the evening before you will get horribly shafted cost wise.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 12:21

Aargh - cottages aren't much cheaper and only seem to be rentable for a week. I don't want to go for a week.

Would it be so bad for DH to go on his own to the wedding? He seems to think it would be unthinkable. I just find being chatty and nice to MIL and PIL to be so, so exhausting. Can't we just all agree to be nice and pleasant and civil when we meet but not spend more time together than we absolutely have to?

I find this all so hard as my parents are the polar opposite. They have offered to drive all the DC up to the wedding and then take them home or come and baby sit but that's far too much to ask them to do so I've said no.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 30/12/2015 12:30

If you stay at the hotel I suspect it is likely you will end up subsidising your PIL and you SIL. Do not stay there otherwise they will add stuff to your bill which could amount to thousands. Drive. Do not take the children. DH can go on his own to Barcelona and should book his own accommodation otherwise he will end up subsiding his family.

They really are grasping bastards. Back out now as it will be more difficult the later you leave it.

DinosaursRoar · 30/12/2015 13:37

If your parents can go too, can you make a week of it? Even if for a lot of that, it's just you and your parents. It might be a nice treat for you all! Then a week might seem a good idea. (or if you know any other guests going, could you get a slightly bigger cottage and share?)

Otherwise, unless it's a morning wedding, at 3 hours you could drive up on the morning, citing your parents not wanting to have the DCs for more than a night, stay somewhere nearer your PIL for the night (if they are only 45 minutes away) then drive the rest back the next morning - whocansay is right, if you stay in the hotel, you are more likely to get stuff added to your bill, the night before meal is all good and well, but you can't make it, sorry! She'll cope. your DH is just an usher, the bridesmaid and best man will be there along with both sets of parents.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 30/12/2015 14:02

Is your DH ridiculously well off? I just can't imagine a situation where I'd expect a family member to subsidise me to the tune of hundreds, potentially thousands of pounds. It just seems absurd and completely unreasonable unless you're leaving out that your DH owns an oil field...

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 14:11

You send your DH to Barcelona with NO cards. And yes, I'm serious. He pays his lodging and flights in advance and then he goes with a set amount of cash 500 euros or so that is it. Then he cannot sub them and he gets a fucking backbone and tells them he has no cards, no access to money and he only brought enough for himself because has three little kids now.

'I think I'm going to accept that he wants to go there and accept we need to stay 2 nights at the hotel probably. '

Why the fuck are you enabling this? You go for one night with the baby. Then you need ONE room for two nights.

You go to the Post Office and get apply for one of those pay as you go cards. That's what you use to pay for the hotel. You load only what you need to cover that cost. That is it. There's no other money on the card. They can't add jack shit onto it.

You two need to grow a pair.

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 14:14

If you're looking at cottages through the big companies, they normally release weekend breaks about 1 month beforehand as they'd prefer a full week booking. However if you check through owners direct or holiday lettings, then you might be able to get a shorter booking and usually cheaper as well.

However I think your DH will get a ton load of grief if you propose staying anywhere but the wedding venue, so it might just be worth capitulating on that one on the basis it's unlikely to actually take place there - with the proviso that no-ones bar bill/extras/room costs gets added on to yours.

Re the night before - I can see why your DH wants to go and to be fair, if he wants to be there the night before his Dsis's wedding then he should be able to go. However what's not right is that he ends up subsidising everyone which is what's likely to happen.

And yes unless your ILs are openly rude and toxic to you then I do feel that as a spouse you should be there for the wedding as DH wants you to be. Also if you are there, then you can cut down on some of the costs i.e. night before cost of two meals is nothing compared to the cost of all IL's which is probably what your DH will end up paying for if you aren't there.

Bunbaker · 30/12/2015 14:16

Great ideas expat

expatinscotland · 30/12/2015 14:45

If you pay for the one hotel room with a pre-loaded credit card, they cannot add anything on. And if you and your H are too lily-livered to stand up to them, then you need to leave your other cards at home and bring only cash.

GloriaHotcakes · 30/12/2015 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 17:25

Surely there's a B and B or cheap hotel room somewhere within driving distance? A B&B at, say, £70 a night plus taxi fares of, say, £30 or even £60 is still a hell of a lot cheaper, and totally removes the possibility of in-laws trying to sneak anything onto your bill.

DinosaursRoar · 30/12/2015 17:27

You should be able to call the hotel and pay over the phone using your credit card in advance. Room already paid for, say you don't want an account.

But I would look at staying elsewhere, even if it is only saving a small amount. That will give you more control. (plus if you can have your parents stay in it to be built in babysitters!). Or try looking for B&Bs in the area.

Jibberjabberjooo · 30/12/2015 17:46

I would be furious with the hotel if they just let your pil add things on to your bill and I would refuse to pay it.

Why have you never said no to them before?

Goingtobeawesome · 30/12/2015 18:01

Your husband can't make you go. He needs to stop being a prat. Paying for his grabby parents and not wanting to face questions about why his wife isn't there.

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 18:45

I think that's being a trifle unfair goingtobe.

It's not unnatural to expect that your spouse will be there at the wedding of a close sibling.

OP another thought re staying at the hotel - you may not be paying the hotel directly if ILs have booked all the rooms. Then they might try to force you to go at the last minute into a suite "as it's more comfortable for you" then charge you the extra £££.

I really think it's worth phoning up the hotel and getting their policies on numbers in the rooms, and also how and when you pay if the whole place is prebooked.

It sounds like Op's DH really wants to stay at the hotel and yes whilst room costs are high, if they are only paying for their own and they can afford it, then he should be able to do this.

I like expats idea on the prepaid credit card - I didn't even know you could do that. For Barcelona as I said upthread it might be possible to rent an apartment for less than a hotel room, then DH is effectively paying for his parents but still costing him less than it would otherwise and can then rightfully refuse to pay for anything else for them as a) he won't have enough dosh to and b) if asked he can say that he has already covered their accomodation.

Original poster
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 18:45

I haz an update.

No DC are invited to the wedding. DH has decided we are only staying one night at the hotel. So that's a relief. I'll go up on the day if the wedding and we will stay one night. Then home the next day. I'm going to book and pre-pay room.

Re: adding things to the bill. I have had stuff removed before and I'll happily do it again this time.

Barcelona - I'm going to speak to him about a set amount of money and how that visiting fenced.

Interestingly, SIL does not seem 100% sure about the venue so it's held but not booked. I wonder if she's wavering on cost

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 30/12/2015 18:47

Rookie - I just read the thread and my post and was already planning on apologising to the OP as I did go too far. No excuse. Sorry OP. Will read your update now.

rookiemere · 30/12/2015 18:48

Great news - sounds like you dodged a bullet there as the meal the night before was bound to end up a very costly affair for yourselves.

Sounds unlikely that wedding will take place there anyway from what you have said.

ProfGrammaticus · 30/12/2015 18:58

You really have to go to the wedding. It's your husband's sister. No excuse will do.