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AIBU?

"Sten do"/wedding

213 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 20:40

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

OP posts:

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happystory · 30/12/2015 09:01

I think she'll have to have a rethink when other guests are told about this

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 09:06

The issue for SIL is if she takes exclusive use of this place, it has 30 rooms and she has to guarantee she will fill them or pay for them herself.

I cannot see guests paying over £400 for a room.

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LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2015 09:06

I'm thinking the same as Happy now. This won't just affect you - but all the guests. It's not really a "dream venue" if no-one comes to the wedding because they can't afford it and the ones that do can't afford the drink prices! Doesn't sound very dreamy to me!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 09:12

Oh and according to.MIL there is a nanny service so I can just leave the non-verbal DCs with some random we've never met before Plus pay handsomely for the privilege no doubt

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ProfGrammaticus · 30/12/2015 09:20

I agree with others that you have to be at the wedding, but you don't have to go to Barcelona. I wonder whether you should make your position clear re hotel rooms now, I think if a few people do that, it will become clear to SIL that her massive hotel room bill will not be covered by guests and she may rethink.

MissBattleaxe · 30/12/2015 09:21

Having such an expensive wedding venue is very inconsiderate and guests will either decline or remember the wedding with resentment. You need to have a word with your Dh to ensure he doesn't give in to pressure to agree to stuff and start paying for his parents behind your back. I don't think any member of his family is giving a second thought to what it's like to have 3 kids of 2,1 and 6months.

DoreenLethal · 30/12/2015 09:24

Jesus H Christ. This is totally barking.

Have you looked at AirBNB for the night, leave the kids at your parents, drive up the morning of the wedding, go to wedding, taxi to nearest AirBNB, drive back.

I was stomping my foot at 'Sten do' and nearly flipped my lid at 'I have previously been successful in removing extra charges that MIL has added on to our bill so could do the same here.' Who the fuck do they think they are?

GloriaHotcakes · 30/12/2015 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carabos · 30/12/2015 09:38

If your PiLs live 45 min from the venue and they are staying there, why can't your family stay at their - presumably empty- house?

Barcelona is easy, just don't go - you or your DH.

As others have said, this is a massive red herring. The issue here is that neither of you will say no to your in-laws. To be fair to them, they will keep behaving like this because you've never made it clear that they can't .

MuttonCadet · 30/12/2015 09:52

We got married at a gorgeous country house hotel where we had to book all the rooms for exclusive use.

It was my dream venue, so that's what we did, but WE paid for all the rooms and allocated them to people. I wouldn't have dreamt of getting guests to stump up the cost. How grabby!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 09:59

mutton - that's what we did.

I've looked online and it seems that the inclusive use does include the use of the rooms. However, the guests can be charged and deducted off SIL's bill. Presumably we'll be charged full whack so we need to get anything hooked ASAP so we're not stuck with one of the suites as SIL has 6 of them to fill.

I'm off to research air bnb and call some taxi firms to get an idea of cost of travelling to other accommodation from the venue as I'd like to have 1 or 2 drinks.

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Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 10:00

PILs wouldn't let us stay at their house without a massive fuss.

Need to get all the options together and then discuss with DH.

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Bunbaker · 30/12/2015 10:32

"guests will either decline or remember the wedding with resentment"

I agree. I have a feeling that this is going to go badly for SIL and husband to be. Incidentally what does husband to be say about all of this?

HanYOLO · 30/12/2015 10:38

So your MIL wants exclusive use of this venue, and the guests (principally you and DH to subsidise that). And they would seriously expect you to pay for their lunch and drinks on the day before the wedding? Oh and probably their entire trip to Barca? That is well mental.

When is your DH going to TELL ILs - all of them - that you cannot afford it? Is he embarrassed by that? Does he feel he should pay for them? Can he speak to his sister and fiancee and get them to see sense?

Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 10:40

It's the ultimate in bad manners to accept this sort of deal from a hotel and then try to guilt-trip your guests into forking out £250 a night just to save you money, and a certain way to lose friends. Basically SiL is expecting her family and friends to subsidise her wish for an exclusive venue. Can your DH talk to her and her fiancé about that aspect of it?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 10:51

Actually - from googling the wedding brochure, guests can be charged full whack - no subsidising. There are 5 or 6 suits at £495 a night. I suspect MIL will want that full amount charged.

Apparently the booking is on hold at the moment - I hope so that SIL and partner can think really carefully about this. If they can't hire out the rooms - they will essentially end up footing the bill. The alternative apparently is that every guest is charged £250 per room. But that seems totally unfair as some guests are then in a suite at MIL's behest with others in a much smaller room. I can see that causing quite a bit of bad feeling.

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Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 10:53

There's a part of me that wonders if I just go down the natural consequences rule

Tell DH that's fine, he can pay for whatever he wants/do whatever he wants but see how he feels when we can't go on a summer holiday.

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Dipankrispaneven · 30/12/2015 10:54

You really cannot expect people to fork out £500 plus travel costs plus cost of presents plus cost of drinks etc for the privilege of attending your wedding. If people are left with the choice of a suite or nothing, you can bet they will opt for nothing leaving SiL paying £3000 for empty suites plus more for the other empty bedrooms.

Jibberjabberjooo · 30/12/2015 10:54

£495 a night? Where the fuck are they getting married??

They're taking the bloody piss if they expect guests to pay that. I hope you're not footing pil bill.

Jibberjabberjooo · 30/12/2015 10:56

People won't go, it's too expensive. Your SIL and her OH are crazy.

Bunbaker · 30/12/2015 10:58

Don't part with any money for deposits, and watch and wait for this to go wrong.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/12/2015 10:59

I'm open mouthed at your ILs OP

They sneak bits of their hotel bills into your tab? They want to guilt guests into forking out between £250 and £500 per night to go to their sodding wedding???

You are being very polite about all this but it's nuts. Cheeky, grasping, selfish, awful people

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Penfold007 · 30/12/2015 11:04

So your H 'thinks' the rooms are 'about £250' a night. I would ring the venue and ask them how much rooms are for the provisionally booked wedding and ask if you can be billed directly or does it all have to go through the bride and groom. Armed with that information you can both make decisions.

LagunaBubbles · 30/12/2015 11:08

OP even if it's months please come back and let us know how this all pans out!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/12/2015 11:10

Just to give you a laugh - PILs day dent fine to us fir Christmas nor appear until some days after. Apparently it was because they were buying our presents in the sale

There are between 80 - 100 guests so minimum 60 need to stay in the hotel

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