Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

AIBU?

"Sten do"/wedding

213 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 20:40

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

OP posts:

Report

DinosaursRoar · 29/12/2015 21:25

Google places near the hotel, specifically, self catering cottages - if it's not hight of season, I'm sure you'll find somewhere cheaper than a grand, and then present it as 'done' to SIL, your parents are being lovely! you are all booking a cottage near the hotel and your parents will come and collect the DCs after the photos so they won't be there for the speaches etc, you'll be staying there and making a holiday out of it. Sounds lovely, right? She is bound to fill the hotel, what with all her and DP's friends coming to the wedding.

Barcalona - rubbish, can't get childcare and (this is the important bit), you're struggling a bit with cash with the wedding accomodation costing so much, you can't do it all. Repeat at PIL that you can't afford it, don't have the money, but not to worry, you'll be there for the "important bit" - the wedding. Wouldn't miss it for the world, and MIL, have you thought about your hat yet, what colours are you going for?

Bunbaker · 29/12/2015 21:34

"I think you really need to learn the word no"

I think you both need to grow a backbone and say that you can't afford to sub other people. End of.

You both say no to Barcelona and you stay at the hotel for one night. The SIL is being ridiculous. She shouldn't be booking something that no-one can afford to stay in.

I bet if she hadn't said it was for a wedding the hotel would be charging less per room. I would also suggest that you find somewhere cheaper to stay.

And stick to your guns. If you keep letting these people steamroller over you they will keep on doing it.

Rivercam · 29/12/2015 21:38

Never heard of a Sten do before.

Sil is being a bridezilla if she expects everyone to pay £250 per room. There bound to cheaper places near by.

Don't go to Barcelona. Having Three young children is goo enough reason not to go.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 29/12/2015 21:40

No to Barcelona. Just say you can't afford it. Why would that be a problem? with a minimum £1k bill to go to the wedding, 3 little kids and one parent SAHP not many people could afford to spend another £fewK for another wedding related event.

One night for the wedding - unless PILs would like to look after one of their grandchildren overnight? - only one room needed then. Or DH goes for 2 nights and you go for one, leaving the littles behind.

Seems really important to me that your DH TELLS HIS FOLKS THAT YOUR FAMILY CANNOT AFFORD TO SUBSIDISE THEIR HOLIDAYS REPEATEDLY. Why he hasn't already I have no clue.

BarbaraofSeville · 29/12/2015 21:42

Someone I know had a Hag party. Fuck knows what the difference between Hag and Sten is.

Headofthehive55 · 29/12/2015 21:49

Not sure I'd want to be the bride at at hag party!

Pay the bill in full prior to getting there, not when you leave make sure it's not open for things to be added.

Bunbaker · 29/12/2015 21:49

DH TELLS HIS FOLKS THAT YOUR FAMILY CANNOT AFFORD TO SUBSIDISE THEIR HOLIDAYS REPEATEDLY

I'll repeat this as well

Jux · 29/12/2015 21:52

If you take the baby then no one can pretend that you have to take two rooms. If you take the 3 yr old, they could. I wouldn't stay in a hotel that insisted that my 3 yr old have a separet room from us, but I can see that a child that age would give more opportunity for it, than a babe in arms. And you wouldn't have to express. And you could suddenly find you have to feed the baby when the PILs get a bit too much and off you can go to your room for a breather.

One night in hotel.
No nights in Barcelona.

They sound like dreadful parvenus, tbh, or at least you could drop that phrase into conversation if you felt like it! (Don't!)

Juliantakeofftheredshoes · 29/12/2015 21:55

They add stuff to your bill?????

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 22:07

I completely agree that I have a DH problem.

I have managed to get him to reign things back in a bit but the wedding is unfortunately bringing out old habits which die hard.

Thankfully he has agreed that it is reasonable for me not to go Barcelona and that I can come up on the day of the wedding - not relishing the drive I must say.

Is there any way that I could not attend without causing grave offence? I just can't be bothered with the whole thing and I know that I won't be missed. DH could maybe bunk in with someone then and SIL could invite someone else that I am sure she would prefer to me there. Win win all round!

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 29/12/2015 22:09

"then they can't really add on things to his bill"

If you do stay in the same hotel I would do what Headofthehive55 suggests and prepay your bill, and don't tell your in-laws your room number. Also tell the hotel staff not to add anything onto your room number as you have prepaid.

wizzywig · 29/12/2015 22:14

Ohhh stag + hen = sten.

HanYOLO · 29/12/2015 22:14

Och, I am sure you are wanted at the wedding. Dunna be daft, lass.

DH needs to deal with the whole issue though, not just this. IMO he shouldn't go to Barcelona either (well risky given the circs). I really don't understand why you are not both declingin, and telling all your ILs that you just can't afford this stuff. PILs might just quit the pisstaking if it was spelled out clearly that it was leaving you skint.

Kryptonite · 29/12/2015 22:15

If you do stay in the same hotel I would do what Headofthehive55 suggests and prepay your bill, and don't tell your in-laws your room number. Also tell the hotel staff not to add anything onto your room number as you have prepaid.

Absolutely do this! They are unbelievably cheeky and totally taking the piss.

planter · 29/12/2015 22:16

Tell them you can't get child care. Easy peasy.

HanYOLO · 29/12/2015 22:18

Or sorry - do you mean the Sten do? Derp.

Of course you can miss the Sten do.

It's up to them if they get offended. You are not declining because you don't want to but because it is unaffordable to you and you have 3 tiny children whose needs are prioritised above a pre-wedding party shortly before a majorly expensive wedding.

coconutpie · 29/12/2015 22:18

You have the perfect excuse not to attend this awful sounding wedding - you are breastfeeding a 6mo old. Tell SIL that sorry, you just cannot leave your 6mo old baby that long and you don't want to have to endure a 3 hour car journey with such a young baby (which will take longer than 3 hours because you'll need to stop every so often to take baby out of car seat, feed, change, etc). Your baby won't even be on solids yet (well, just starting around then), you could just say baby won't take a bottle if she starts on about expressing.

I had to miss a family wedding when my baby was 6mo - I was told my baby wasn't welcome and the venue was too far away. So I just said well fine I wouldn't be going then. I'm so glad I stayed home and didn't allow family to make me feel guilty for not attending.

And as for the cruise -WTAF.

Qwebec · 29/12/2015 22:20

Just say you would love to go to the wedding but unfortunatly it will not be possible. 3 under 3 is a good enough reason, just add bf/sleep/general havoc and this is this. And it's the truth. If you where woking and childless you would probably go. I'd just suggest that you say it in person or over the phone so they don't get the feeling you want nothing to do with them.

FishWithABicycle · 29/12/2015 22:32

I wouldn't be going at all under these circumstances.
But if you do end up going, with accommodation prices like that, your attendance IS their wedding gift, no further gift and certainly no Barcelona.

I do however approve of a "Sten Do" - unless it will be splitting up men and women as part of the proceedings. I don't want to categorise my friends according to their genitalia.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 23:30

I've just suggested I don't go to the wedding to DH but he thinks that is a ridiculous suggestion and won't discuss further.

However, at least I can check the bill then.

I'll need to have a think about whether I go up the day before. It is a horrid drive to go up on the day but I don't want to leave the other two for two nights. I have done it before but it was pre-newborn and selfishly DH and I were going away together alone. n this case, I'll need to look after the baby anyway in the hotel so may as well do it at home.

OP posts:

magoria · 29/12/2015 23:33

Is there not another cheaper hotel/travel lodge you could stay in close by?

You don't have to stay at the venue...

magoria · 29/12/2015 23:35

and sod leaving a 6 month old for someone else's party you don't even want to to to.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

RB68 · 29/12/2015 23:38

just a thought if you invite your parents to the hotel there wont be a need for a third room - one kid with them and two with you guys so actually the cost of that is covered if they are there for childcare purposes anyway

SouthWestmom · 29/12/2015 23:43

The hotel won't be expecting adults in one room and kids in another! It would be one adult, two kids etc. Why not do the two rooms with your parents - parents and two kids and grandparents and baby?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 29/12/2015 23:50

Hotel is in the middle of nowhere (natch!) So I would need to drive to a another hotel or get a taxi. Driving isn't very appealing as I cant drink and would need to drag dh away

That is a very very good point 're: room allocation though and my parents. However, we're then looking at 1k on rooms whereas if we just need 1 room, it's "only" £500.

Fuck. This is going to cost a fortune. How much is Barcelona for 2 nights?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.