"Sten do"/wedding

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

My sil is getting married in September.

She has chosen a venue where she would like exclusive use but has to.agree to take all 30 bedrooms in.the hotel (at £250 per night!) We have a 2 year old, a 1 year old and a new born. According to the hotel, we will need two rooms. Sil is planning a family meal the night before so that is basically £1000 on rooms. The wedding is 3 hours away from us so no choice but to stay.

We've now been told that she is having a sten do for 2 nights in Barcelona which we are both invited to. PILs are going and are as tight as two coats of paint. They have form for guilt-tripping DH into paying for things like this for them (despite being comfortably off)

I like SIL and can rub along with the PILs but do not enjoy some ding time with them - as it's so expensive and MIL knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing!

I have to.go to the wedding but I do not want to go to Barcelona. Personally, I don't actually approve of asking people to shell out vast sums on foreign hen/stag dos. Dh is keen for me to go but I really do not want to and it will annoy me to.have to sit there watching us sub the PILs. Plus I don't want to leave our new born who will only be about 6 months then.

However, I feel like a bit of grinch. AIBU not to go!

[Dipankrispaneven]

Great. So if SiL is proposing to book the hotel exclusively for two nights she's already £250 down, and I'm prepared to bet most guests won't stay for two nights. If she has any sense she'll abandon that idea.

[OTheHugeManatee]

It's a relief that it's childfree as that'll give you an excuse to come late and leave early

On a general note, I still can't believe some people are so selfish as to plan wedding arrangements like this that basically amount to mugging their nearest and dearest for thousands of pounds they never signed up to pay. Who does this? In my world you arrange your wedding somewhere as pleasant as you can afford, but take into account transport links and affordable accommodation, as surely the aim is to try to make it possible for as many people as possible to come and enjoy the day.

And you pay for the food and the booze, all of it. If you can't afford to pay for swanky venue hire and booze, book somewhere less swanky and prioritise booze. Guests are unlikely to sigh fondly as they reminisce over the marvellous Gothic flying buttresses or yew maze at your venue, but they WILL remember running out of plonk or being fleeced charged £10 for a glass of average Chardonnay at a cash bar.

But your SIL, who has her priorities all arse over tit, sounds like a foolish, snobbish, selfish, grasping skinflint. And yet, you still have to attend her wedding, as graciously as possible, while doing everything you can to stop your ILs pickpocketing you

[littleleftie]

For future ref OP, when events like this are looming, if you cannot get DH on board, and don't want to tackle that side of it yet, it's far easier to appear all for it, and then have a "mystery illness" at the last minute.

I know it's PA, but life is too short to spend it doing shit you are losing sleep over.

[unimaginativename13]

Haven't read all the posts, but we went away with SIL and BIL and their 3 children so we booked a child in 3 separate adult rooms, then they just went in one room. So I would book in one of your children with someone else.

I would book somewhere else the night before (to be honest not sure a premier inn would let 5 to a room)

Sten dos...... If everyone who would go on a stag and hen goes, it's that just a pre wedding party?

I hate these things abroad- I don't want to spend my holiday time on a hen do. Then a fortune on someone's wedding who didn't think of other people.

[expatinscotland]

'Re: adding things to the bill. I have had stuff removed before and I'll happily do it again this time.'

Just pay for the hotel with a pre-loaded credit card. Then they cannot add anything on at all. There is no credit limit, only the money you have put on the card. Use that to pay for the hotel.


'You really have to go to the wedding. It's your husband's sister. No excuse will do.'

No, she doesn't. ANY excuse will do. The only wedding you have to attend is your own if you wish to marry. A childfree wedding that's hours away when you have a 6-month-old, exclusively breastfed baby is more than reason enough not to go. The OP is being quite gracious here. I wouldn't go under those circumstances and wouldn't give a flying fuck if they all got offended. It's ridiculous to have a wedding far from anywhere, make it childfree and expect everyone to dance round you just because you're getting married.

'Barcelona - I'm going to speak to him about a set amount of money and how that visiting fenced. '

That's easy, too. He pays for lodging and tickets in advance. He brings cash only or a pre-loaded credit card with a set amount of money on it. That's it. Then he cannot sub them.

You both need to learn how to say 'no' to them, even if they are family, because they are huge pisstakers and now, you have 3 little kids to pay for and worry about.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

It's a huge relief! I've actually thought re: the room, I'm going to ask for the cheapest one possible ("it's our holiday fund!" ) and then I'm going to say to MIL that we will have to dash off in the morning so can she settle up for us. I'll transfer the money to her beforehand. If the hotel needs a guarantee card, I'll use one of the ones suggested by expat with £20 on it

Then mil can deal with reception and getting things taken off the bill etc.

[coconutpie]

OP you have the perfect excuse now NOT to go since your breastfed baby isn't invited. I would not be leaving a 6mo old bf baby for that long just to go to a wedding. It's not worth it for you or your baby.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

It's a huge relief! I've actually thought re: the room, I'm going to ask for the cheapest one possible ("it's our holiday fund!" ) and then I'm going to say to MIL that we will have to dash off in the morning so can she settle up for us. I'll transfer the money to her beforehand. If the hotel needs a guarantee card, I'll use one of the ones suggested by expat with £20 on it

No! No! No! Don't do that! She'll "forget" to pay your bill, add a load of extras in then "forget" to transfer the money back.

Pay the bill in advance and then tell them not to open up the tab on your room. (They should be able to do this - otherwise people could put bills on empty rooms.) It'll be a bit of a pain as you'll have to take enough cash for your drinks but will mean that you won't be stung for their extras.

[MissBattleaxe]

You can't be expected to attend a child free wedding when you have 2yo and a 1yo AND a six month old. Quite acceptable to send Dh and wish them well. Don't get bullied.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

To be fair, DD will be 10 months at the wedding she'll be 5 months at the "sten". But the feeding could be a ball ache. Im expressing mostly as she was tongue tied so took a bit of time to get her latch sorted but she is breast fed at night......

Apparently the hotel won't allow access to anyone under the age of 8. I find this rather odd as we stayed there when DS was 1 and took DD (under 1) and DS (2) there for FIL's 60tg lunch plus SIL will have exclusive use so who could DC possibly be disturbing....? They must have changed the rules recently..... I wonder if MIL thinks I won't come if the DCs can't. I know SIL has friends with small babies. Wonder what they will do.

mum - that is a very good point. I will do as you suggest v

[RomComPhooey]

Aargh - cottages aren't much cheaper and only seem to be rentable for a week. I don't want to go for a week.

I know things have moved on a bit, but if the current venue falls through do reconsider renting a cottage - you can save a bundle on meals by self-catering and sharing a hotel room with tiny kids is an arse ache. It's much better to have a lounge you can sit in & watch telly with a glass of wine once the kids are down. Are there any nation trust properties nearby? Lots of them have SC accommodation. Also try Landmark Trust - lots of wacky period properties, often in the middle of nowhere.

[Dipankrispaneven]

They're having the "sten" 5 months before the wedding? I thought they were supposed to be a celebration of the last nights of singledom?

[expatinscotland]

YY, pay up in advance, with a pre-loaded card. Then tell the staff no tabs are to be opened on the room.

Skip the sten and send him, having paid in advance for lodging and flights, with a pre-loaded card or cash. That's all.

[TendonQueen]

There's no way this will end up going ahead at this venue. SIL will work out that the guests will bridle at the cost and it'll come back on her. Just be prepared for round 2 when they switch venue.

[MissBattleaxe]

It's starting to sound as if they almost don't want you to go. You have three kids and under eights are not allowed in the hotel? Great. There's your ready made excuse. Unless you're expected to get a babysitter out of the Yellow Pages like many bridezillas seem to think is a solution.

[FishWithABicycle]

If the hotel needs a guarantee card, I'll use one of the ones suggested by expat with £20 on it

This wouldn't work anyway - the way that hotel guarantee cards work is that they put through a "held" transaction for £200 (or whatever sum they choose) so that when you check out, the funds are guaranteed to be there for them.

I found this out when I naively allowed my card to be used like this for both myself and a friend when we were visiting a city. I knew I was within a few hundred of my credit card limit but I didn't think it was a problem as I knew we weren't going to have any extras anyway. I was shocked that my card was then declined when I tried to use it to pay for dinner as effectively the guarantee swiping at the hotel had taken me right up to my credit limit and the card was unusable until the hotel released the guarantee transaction 5 days after we checked out.

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, you need to pre-load the cost of your hotel on the card. Not just £20. So you're basically paying for the hotel in cash. But no one can add anything on beyond its limit, which is only what you have put on in cash.

[Hissy]

Just no. No, no and more no.

No sten, no Barcelona, no hotel (guaranteed she is not paying full whack for the rooms you're all subsidising her wedding)

Dh can drive up first thing I. The morning and do his ushering

And a big fat no to paying for mil.

[BoGrainger]

Haha. No really? A stag/hen do FIVE MONTHS before the wedding? This is a piss-take surely? Bring back the get-hammered-the-night-before-the-night-before! You could have a right good laugh for 19/6d.

[BoGrainger]

And agree with driving there and back on the day. You won't have any dc to fret about and you could drink the following day, toasting the fact that you'd saved a fortune

[maddy68]

Phone the hotel first to check that the children can't stay in with then if they can't I would either
A) leave the children with your parents
B) book in a near by travel lodge and taxi in/out

Barcelona -don't go. Just say you don't want to leave the children end of
Or say you are saving fir the family holiday and can't do both

[DinosaursRoar]

It sounds like she's sounded out the "everyone stay at the venue!" idea with a few friends/DH2B's family and realised the most people can't afford it so will be group booking B&Bs/cottages near by, driving back that night to a cheaper town/not staying over. She's realised she'll have to cover the cost of the hotel and now it's out of budget.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I haz further update - this is the honest to god truth before anyone accuses me of being a troll.....

Apparently, the hotel will let brides charge out the rooms at whatever cost they want (found this out from a wedding forum which had a copy of the worked costs attached)......whatever is recouped is deducted from the bill (as you pay a flat rate for exclusive use) so, I'm suspecting that MIL will be charging the rooms at whacko rates to try and recoup as much as possible. The hotel recommends one rate (quite a bit cheaper than MIL had told DH the rooms will cost). If this is booked, I'm contemplating saying to MIL that I think there has been some misunderstanding when I called to book the room. I understood it would cost Y but we were charged X. I am sure that MIL will brazen it out but I want her to know that I know that they are overcharging the rooms to recoup the cost of the wedding or at least make it cost neutral in respect of some guests.

I'm quite flabbergasted that the hotel would collude on this to be honest.

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

The thing about the DC is a load of shite but - again - I intend to say to MIL that I was surprised to hear about the hotel's chAnge of policy on children and I hope it hadn't caused any problems when we took (they were invited) the oldest two to FIL's 60th birthday lunch. However, they were needed as props at FIL's lunch as there were only 7 of us at it so if the DCs had been banned, then there would only have been 5 or 4 of my parents couldn't have looked after them.

Interestingly, MIL insisted that various children were invited to our wedding so her hypocrisy on this is breathtaking.

My parents had offered to take the children to the church for some photos and/or to anywhere else SIL would like them to be photographed at and then take them away to look after them. However, given the current circumstances, I'm not passing on that kind offer

[expatinscotland]

FFS. The time is now to stand up to this pisstaking. I would go for one night. That's it. Don't bother bringing the kids at all. Pay for the hotel in advance with a pre-loaded card and then bring ONLY cash. Your DH doesn't bring his cards. Put your foot down, the subbing of them stops NOW.

Think of it this way: EVERY time they rip the piss out of you, and you sub them, they are taking money away from your kids.