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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed Xmas plans scuppered as DS ill

211 replies

Breadwidow · 23/12/2015 14:18

We were due to travel up to my parents for a Big family Christmas at my parents tomorrow, with my sisters Family who live locally joining us on the. DS has temp and cold symptoms. DH thinks we should probably stay at home unless he makes miraculous recovery by tomorrow (unlikely seeing as these things usually last a week or so with him). I know this is the best move, since we are travelling by train (no car) and my parents will be noisy and from excitement - not Great for sick nearly 4 year old. I'm just a bit annoyed DH cannot relate to the fact I'm disappointed - I was so looking forward to spending Christmas with my family plus we've sent all our presents there so DS will have nothing to open on Christmas day if we stay at home. Aren't I allowed to be a bit disappointed. I'm also Quite annoyed with DH or taking the kids out all day on mon and tues when DS is up in the night unwell on Sun/mon night. He did seem much better by mon morning but yesterday he was lethargic & DH Still took him to me up with a friend while I was working. Grrr, so Xmas is gonna be a damp squib. Gutted

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 15:24

Your husband certainly sounds like ruler of the roost. That wouldn't set well with me.

I'd leave him home with your son, personally, because it does sound that he is making the excuse not to go.

Can you tell your son that "Santa is delayed by bad weather" or something so that when you do get the presents back they still will be from him?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 23/12/2015 15:24

It doesn't sound good that your family would rather you didn't row with DH because of the stress it would cause.

You're not scared of him, are you?

43percentburnt · 23/12/2015 15:25

Hmm, have you bought the train tickets yet? If not is there any reason why not? It's so much cheaper to buy in advance. I'm a bit cynical but seems a bit convenient if you don't have train tickets. I know your dh took him out for a play date earlier in the week, but in my experience it's easier to do that then entertain a child at home all day. (Especially as very few parents seem to supervise in play areas).

Who says a car will cost 5 x more than the train? Have you checked that?

Why does your husband 'how can you know what is best for him' - youre his mum. Home with no prezzies vs travel and prezzies... I'm pretty sure I know what most kids would want! Why does your dh get to call the shots? Calling you selfish is an easy way to get you to shut up.

I think he doesn't want to go and this is a fab excuse for him!

Thurlow · 23/12/2015 15:25

It might be too late to to win this one.

But there's definitely a bigger problem here. Any one parent making unilateral decisions to the extent that their partner is slightly scared to question them or go against it is not that healthy, you do know that?

IGotAPea · 23/12/2015 15:29

I mentioned to DH the issue aroundhis disappointment and he said how can I know what's best for him

you're his Mother, of course you can know what's best for your child. It might not be what your DH thinks, that's ok, but his opinion isn't the only one. That doesn't make you selfish. I'd be angry if dh said this to me, unless I've read it wrong, he sounds patronising and belittling.

He says you have equal power in decision making, has it ever happened where your solution/idea has ever been the one to be followed in disagreement, or is this equal power only in play when you feel the same as him, and if you don't, it's his way.

Also, why would your family think you awful if you went against his wishes? Do they think the man gets the final say and the wife should obey, type thing?

Prometheus · 23/12/2015 15:31

What? 38 temperature is nothing, just a cold. Is he going to insist that precious DS stays off school every time he has a cold????????

Prometheus · 23/12/2015 15:31

You need to stand up to him or this sets a dangerous precedent Sad

Original poster
Breadwidow · 23/12/2015 15:33

Train tickets have been bought. Car hire for Xmas from Central Ldn is about £300 for 4 days - unbelievable I know but central London has premium (we live in SE1).

Just said to DH that DS not ill enough for us to have to scupper plans and said we should go. He said stop going on, he may well get worse, we have to see how is (fair enough) and then added stop being so selfish an accused me of being mental for going on about it (tbh ive not left the issue alone since this morning, am desperate to go, just hoping DS does pick up). DH says we can make call in morning but I know he wants to not go (even said to his mum that we are probably not going).

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Parker231 · 23/12/2015 15:34

Why does your DH get to make the decision as to whether you go or not? Are the children his from a previous relationship? I would get your cases packed and travel as planned. If you stopped doing things every times DC's have a cold and a temperature, you'll never do anything!

Original poster
Breadwidow · 23/12/2015 15:34

My mum just wants me to not have a barny with DH. They also know I am the person who most wants to go to them for Xmas.

DH also added he does not hold onto family stuff as much As i do, (doesn't care about cancelling the plans today) that we can have good Xmas here, it's my selfishness wanting to not change plans

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INeedACheeseSlicer · 23/12/2015 15:35

Hmm, I wouldn't be impressed with my DH calling me selfish over something like that and shutting down the discussion. And if it was me, then I would be trying to persuade DH that we should go. We often go away for Christmas and luckily haven't faced something like this at that time. But we have had to make decisions about going on holiday before (we decided to stay at home once, and to go once - the journey was actually pretty bad, but once we arrived DC was fine, fortunately).

Any time this came up, any decision on staying or going would have to be a joint decision, properly discussed, (and not one party just calling the other selfish!) And if we made what turned out to be the wrong decision with hindsight, then we would avoid any recriminations. I do actually think we made the right call each time, but the point is, even if you made the wrong one, you need to both be on board with it, rather than blaming the other person.

If you actually decide you can't go, and your parents are coming over on Boxing Day, I might be tempted to pretend to the three year old that actually Boxing Day is Christmas Day - unless the other child is older and would realise? That way your DS gets an extra day to recover, still gets to see family on "Christmas" day, you don't have to buy loads of new presents as your parents can bring them.

You can have real Christmas Day as a quiet day just you.

Strangertides1 · 23/12/2015 15:37

If he's eating and drink and calpol is doing the trick then I'd go. My friends are doctors and wouldn't be concerned of a 38 temp controlled by calpol.

Perhaps give your surgery a call and ask for a phone consultation from a doctor to convince your dh.

And finally you ask ds op? Our ds is nearly 4, if he's got a temp and a cold he'll tell me he wants to stay in. Ask your ds if he's well enough to go on a train for a few hours. Then perhaps get him to tell dh, if dh still refuses go without him!!

Sparkletastic · 23/12/2015 15:37

Sounds like your DH just wants an excuse to stay at home. Agree buying loads of duplicate presents for DS to replace those at your parents' house is a silly waste of money.

Houseworkavoider · 23/12/2015 15:37

He can't seriously be happy for your ds to wake up on xmas morning with no presents Shock
Your Dh needs to get a grip. How much school will he miss out on for silly reasons?

ihearttc · 23/12/2015 15:37

I have to ask because its confusing me...where roughly are you based?

You said DH took him to the Natural History Museum which to me suggests you are in London (or nearby) as its DS's favourite place. But then you said going to parents involves a 2 hour train ride and then a 30 min tube ride...Im assuming from that they live in London?

So did your DH take an ill DS on a train to London to the Natural History Museum earlier in the week but now won't take him on a train to see your parents for christmas???

There is no way on earth Id miss christmas and stop my DS from having his presents due to a cold.

LeaLeander · 23/12/2015 15:37

Why is your mother in the middle of your marital discord? And why is she telling you to give up your wishes just to calm down your DH? Why is everyone afraid of his reaction?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 23/12/2015 15:47

You have no presents. I can't see how it's going to be a great Christmas without any presents!

Obviously if your ds was desperately ill then you'd have to make the best of it. But he isn't. He has a cold. He'll probably feel a bit better by Friday anyway.

Pilgit · 23/12/2015 15:49

I don't think this has anything to do with DS having a cold and everything to do with him not wanting to go. If it was about DS he wouldn't have taken him out earlier in the week.

Of course having no presents to open is going to ruin Christmas and not going will upset you. This seems to be more about having his way and making sure you and DS are both miserable rather than illness. I'd be tempted to go without DH.....

Badders123 · 23/12/2015 15:50

It's only a cold!
Your Dh obv doesn't want to go, and is using your sons virus as an excuse.

MarjorieWinklepicker · 23/12/2015 15:53

My ds had an operation last week and is dosed up on medicine. We are still going to in laws for Xmas. They offered to have us round so we weren't rushing around too much whilst ds was recovering.

Rather than argue with him about it, just tell him that this it what you would like to do, explain why and hopefully he will come round. I know if I get my dh's back up about something he is less likely to see it from my point of view.

EvaBING · 23/12/2015 15:58

Your husband is being an arse. Not an ass. An ARSE.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 23/12/2015 16:00

That's very sad op that you and your ds will miss out on Christmas plans because of your dh's odd attitude. I dont think he is putting his child first at all, your dh's presents are at his grandparents! What child would not want their presents on Christmas morning, cold or no cold!

We went to my mums for a family Christmas last weekend with ds1 full of cold. There was never any thought of not going! It's the only time we could all get together, ds1 had calpol and was fine once he was with his cousins.

I think Christmas is one of those times it just isn't practical to abandon all plans because of a minor illness.

It is especially sad that you feel you have to give in to what your dh wants. That's not how a marriage should work.

43percentburnt · 23/12/2015 16:01

Your husband said you were mental for going on? Not good.

I also suggest ringing nurse or health visitor at surgery and asking her opinion. Do you have private medical insurance through your work? If so they usually have a free nurse helpline you could ask them.

Vomiting I'd agree with your dh, a sniffle I'd be on the train.

Original poster
Breadwidow · 23/12/2015 16:04

DH has just stormed out. I mentioned mumsnet view in desperation, not a good move.

We live in central London, parents near Worcester, it's 30 min tube to Paddington, 2hr 20 train, then half hour by car to parents (my dad will pick us up).

DH says we can decide in morning but if he's as bad as he is today that we shouldn't go. Cited fact he cancelled seeing his bro today who is only 20 mins away. He said when you are ill the last thing you want us to be on train / away from home which is true. He says we can have decent enough Xmas here and it's not just about presents, plus parents can bring gifts on Boxing Day. He says I just want to decide now to travel with ill DS because I want my family Xmas. This is true. My family also seem to think the same. I'm therefore surprised by the mumsnet reaction. I shouldn't have gone on, think I'm in worse position now, I always want to sort it which is my undoing

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Original poster
Breadwidow · 23/12/2015 16:04

Meant to add DD is only 15 months

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