Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Real dilemma about Christmas - WWYD

207 replies

notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:22

My fiancé and I have been a couple for just over 6 years and we're getting married next year.
I'm at a loss at what to do about Christmas. My family are from a religious background where we don't celebrate Christmas although we still give friends and neighbours Christmas cards.
My fiancé's family do Christmas in a BIG way. This year is set to be their biggest yet - there'll be about 10 family members there including my fiancé's sister's baby and his brother's 10 year old. It's really special to have them together as some family live abroad.
Anyway- since I've been with my fiancé I have spent Christmas Day with his family. As I never had Christmas growing up its really wonderful - very special.
A couple of years ago my parents went away on holiday and I looked after my brother for a week or so. He was 9 at the time and as it coincided with Christmas my future mother in law kindly invited him along- he LOVED it and it was very very special. They even got him some pressies and I did too just so he wouldn't feel left out when all was being opened under the tree.

Fast forward to this year and I've been invited for Christmas again and I don't know whether I should go. My brother is now 11 and I know he would be heartbroken if I got to have a Christmas and he didn't. I've asked my fiancé if he could come along (he really isn't any trouble) but he's said that it probably would be too much of a full house. I imagine my mil would say yes but I don't want to put her under more pressure as she's cooking for a lot of people and it's the biggest Christmas yet.
I know his family have bought presents for me and are assuming I'm coming. I just don't know what to do. I want to go but I hate the idea of my younger brother sitting at home with no company while I'm out enjoying myself.

Advice?

OP posts:
MissFitt68 · 17/12/2015 19:25

Stay in a B and B? Offer to bring a dish/help in kitchen

But what happens next year, and year after? How do your parents feel about it all?

Branleuse · 17/12/2015 19:26

I think it will be the same every year, and the invite cant always extend to your extended family. I think saying he would be heartbroken is a bit much.

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 17/12/2015 19:29

I can't see that one little boy would make much difference if there's a crowd of people anyway. But yes, what would your parents say? And what about all the future years?

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2015 19:30

But the in laws are benefitting from the OP never wanting to spend Christmas with her own family, aren't they? The alternative would be for them to have their son go to his own in laws every other year.

And what's one extra child when they are inviting so many?

Floralnomad · 17/12/2015 19:31

Did you not worry about your brother last year ?

LaurieFairyCake · 17/12/2015 19:32

The obvious thing to do is to have a sensitive chat with your parents about meeting their child's needs

Which they're not doing

PegsPigs · 17/12/2015 19:32

It's Christmas when if the little boy didn't go he'd have no Christmas. Ask your MIL about how you can help her make it a regular thing without putting too much strain on her. Family is family whether it's DH's aunty or my brother.

Floggingmolly · 17/12/2015 19:33

God, I wouldn't turn him away. Definitely at least ask. How sad for him that his only experience of a magical Christmas was provided by someone else's family...
How do your parents feel about him going, btw?

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:33

My whole family were on holiday last year so it wasn't relevant.
Sorry I realise my op didn't make it clear- we've spent every Christmas together apart from last year.

I'm not so worried about future years as my brother will be getting older. He's still quite young..
And by 'going over' it's not a case at staying at my in laws- our parents don't live far apart so it would be a 10 minute drive for Christmas morning and lunch rather than sleeping over.

OP posts:
Ughnotagain · 17/12/2015 19:33

Yeah, what did you do last year?

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2015 19:34

Could you and your brother to Christmas lunch together and go round to your fiancé's family later?

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:34

My parents are very happy for him to go along. They're not grinches or the kind of people who hate the idea of Christmas it's just not something we do as a family.

OP posts:
PennyHasNoSurname · 17/12/2015 19:34

If he last came a couple of years ago what happened last year?

TBH Id not ask to bring him as its a little forward, and would it become an annual thing?

Id maybe do a little celebration at home with your OH and brother a different day?

titchy · 17/12/2015 19:35

Errrr if your brother is from a religion that doesn't celebrate Christmas why on earth should he expect to be celebrating Christmas and devastated if he doesn't? It was kind of your in laws to invite him last year, but that was only because you were looking after him, which you're not this year.

titchy · 17/12/2015 19:37

I don't think my kids were devastated by not celebrating Diwali or Eid or Hannukuh - it's the same thing surely?

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:37

I totally agree titchy. My WWYD is about whether or not I should go. I'm not expecting them to invite him again as nice as it would be.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2015 19:37

titchy Isn't it the parents who are followers of that religion? The brother is not automatically a believer because his parents are.

ColdWhiteWinePlease · 17/12/2015 19:37

You could either be very direct, and say to MIL "Jonny absolutely loved having Christmas day here last time. My family don't celebrate it. Would you mind awfully if he came with me this year? It's so lovely here, you do a great Christmas"

Or, be a bit covert. get your fiance to say to his Mum "notamum is feeling really sorry for Jonny not getting to celebrate Christmas, it's rubbish for him" At which point she will say "bring him here".

Duckdeamon · 17/12/2015 19:38

I think your H is being the grinch and as you say your DB is well behaved would insist on asking MIL and FIL, who will probably say yes!

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:39

And no it's not quite the same thing titchy.
It's not easy as a kid growing up in the UK where from mid November every year all shops, tv adverts and school art projects are dominated by Christmas talk.
I see why you made the comparison but it's quite short sighted and really not the same. Sorry.

OP posts:
titchy · 17/12/2015 19:42

Well Jewish parents tend to have kids brought up as Jewish so it's reasonable to assume the younger brother isn't exactly missing out as some have suggested.

OP there is no reason why you shouldn't go to theirs. It's not a family celebratory time for your family - I assume you make the effort to see your family and celebrate events with them at other times. Yes they'll get you presents - but does your brother expect a present every time you get one? Why can't your finances family just buy something for you at any time, including Christmas.

Cel982 · 17/12/2015 19:42

Why wouldn't you go yourself? You're 'marrying into' this family, you enjoy celebrating Christmas with them - not going just because they haven't thought to invite your brother this year (which I wouldn't expect them to, really) seems a little petty. Your family don't celebrate Christmas, so it's not like you're choosing your in-laws over them.

poocatcherchampion · 17/12/2015 19:42

I'd ask mil.

titchy · 17/12/2015 19:43

But that's exactly what your parents and brother HAVE been doing up until last year....Confused sorry am not really getting the dilemma.

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2015 19:45

Unless I've misunderstood isn't it that the op doesn't want her brother to be alone, not that she's annoyed with her fiancé's family cel? That's a totally reasonable concern to have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread