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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Real dilemma about Christmas - WWYD

207 replies

notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:22

My fiancé and I have been a couple for just over 6 years and we're getting married next year.
I'm at a loss at what to do about Christmas. My family are from a religious background where we don't celebrate Christmas although we still give friends and neighbours Christmas cards.
My fiancé's family do Christmas in a BIG way. This year is set to be their biggest yet - there'll be about 10 family members there including my fiancé's sister's baby and his brother's 10 year old. It's really special to have them together as some family live abroad.
Anyway- since I've been with my fiancé I have spent Christmas Day with his family. As I never had Christmas growing up its really wonderful - very special.
A couple of years ago my parents went away on holiday and I looked after my brother for a week or so. He was 9 at the time and as it coincided with Christmas my future mother in law kindly invited him along- he LOVED it and it was very very special. They even got him some pressies and I did too just so he wouldn't feel left out when all was being opened under the tree.

Fast forward to this year and I've been invited for Christmas again and I don't know whether I should go. My brother is now 11 and I know he would be heartbroken if I got to have a Christmas and he didn't. I've asked my fiancé if he could come along (he really isn't any trouble) but he's said that it probably would be too much of a full house. I imagine my mil would say yes but I don't want to put her under more pressure as she's cooking for a lot of people and it's the biggest Christmas yet.
I know his family have bought presents for me and are assuming I'm coming. I just don't know what to do. I want to go but I hate the idea of my younger brother sitting at home with no company while I'm out enjoying myself.

Advice?

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 17/12/2015 19:46

I think you have to take more control of the situation now and for future years. It sounds like you and your brother really want to celebrate Christmas so you'll have to champion Christmas yourself and be the one to provide it. Say to your partner that you couldn't possibly leave your brother out of Christmas celebrations so either space is made for him at his parents or you'll have to do Christmas at home for your brother giving your partner the option to go to his parents or stay with you two

CombineBananaFister · 17/12/2015 19:48

I think I would ask but only if I was willing to contribute something that gave the MIL one less task to do, but how would your OH feel about you doing this if he's already advised it's too much to ask?

Personally I wouldn't mind an extra child coming, not in these circumstances. I think it's hard if the adults have a faith that doesn't celebrate xmas thus meaning the whole family doesn't - it's already decided for younger ones isn't it and not like they've had any choice in it. I think it's nice he gets to celebrate something outside his own culture tbh.

Could you and your brother not do your own xmas if you want to celebrate and your parents clearly don't mind?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 17/12/2015 19:48

how sad.

I would directly ask your fiances to ask his mum, and find out.
she is more likely to give an honest response to him.

seeing as you and your db love xmas so much its really really sad your own dp cant just do it for you both though. Xmas Sad

Domino777 · 17/12/2015 19:53

Ask him to ask his mum say you will understand what ever she decides

LucyMouse · 17/12/2015 19:54

Although it would be nice to have your brother along, it might be quite hurtful to your future in-laws if you didn't attend. You have your heart in a good place thinking about your brother's feelings but it could be seen as quite a "statement" to turn down their invitation.
Also, your brother is 11 this year, but next year he will still be only 12 and still quite young. Either you ask your MIL to include him every year (could be seen as a huge compliment to their lovely family Christmasses you have enjoyed) or he needs to get used to you celebrating without him.

MySordidCakeSecret · 17/12/2015 20:08

I'm sorry but i hate these fundamental religious people that enforce it on their kids, i had to deal with this shit too it's so wrong. I'd suggest see if there's a way you can invite him but offer extra help, if not get him some presents.

titchy · 17/12/2015 20:10

Where does it state they're fundamentalists? They could be Jewish for all we know.

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2015 20:11

I think going with a 'sounding out' converstaion with your MIL, either by you or your DP - something like the idea earlier of "NotaMum is a bit worried about [DB], he really enjoyed the year he came to us for Christmas and being away last year, and is feeling a bit sad about it not being celebrated at his home. NotAMum is thinking she might have to go home for christmas day so he's got someone to try and make it a nice day for him, but was wondering if we could offer to bring him here instead?" or you say something similar about worrying about your brother, and you might need to spend the day with him...

For future years, i would assume not everyone wil be at your MILs for Christmas, there will be years that his sister will be at her PILs, that his brother and family won't always be there, then for those 'smaller' years you and your DP could offer to host your ILs, and therefore be down to you to invite your DB.

As he gets older, your brother might get invites from friends/girlfriends families when they realise his parents don't celebrate Christmas and he wants to. At 11 he's probably still too young to get a non-family invite on his own, but by about 13/14 I would extend an invite for a friend of my DCs in similar circumstances.

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2015 20:13

oh and it's also worth noting if your DB does follow your parents' faith, when he's older he might understand why they don't celebrate christmas and not want to himself. This doesn't need to be an 'every year' issue...

Andylion · 17/12/2015 20:17

OP, if you didn't stay with your brother, how would he and your parents spend Christmas Day? Could you arrange a special breakfast/brunch for the four of you and give your brother a gift that would entertain for the rest of the day, while you go to your future MiL's?

I think asking her if he could some would put her on the spot.

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 20:20

Just as an update: I brought up the prospect of not goingand staying at home with my brother in a text to my partner and he is livid. I feel completely wretched.

OP posts:
Marmitelover55 · 17/12/2015 20:21

What religion do your parents follow?

MySordidCakeSecret · 17/12/2015 20:24

*you should definitely go, enjoy yourself and hold onto a good relationship with his family! it's obviously very important to your dp too.

threestars · 17/12/2015 20:25

If I was asked if a child could join my family at Christmas I would definitely say yes. Christmas always feels better when there are children around,and I would take it as a great compliment if a child wanted to come to mine because they loved it last time. Do ask your MIL, at least.
Your parents could always invite your PIL over for a meal on another date, to reciprocate.

Duckdeamon · 17/12/2015 20:25

Who is livid? Your partner?

He is being unreasonable. Your dilemma is understandable: not justification for him to be angry. Has he made clear what his concerns would be with your brother attending again?

Duckdeamon · 17/12/2015 20:26

OP's parents' religion isn't relevant: and it's hardly "fundamentalist" not to celebrate Christmas!

Many atheists / overworked organisers and cooks might not if we could get away with it!

Agrestic · 17/12/2015 20:27

He's 11 and from a religion that doesn't celebrate Christmas...

Why all the drama about it now? What about the past 11+ years!?

OTiTO · 17/12/2015 20:27

Is it possible that your Dfiancé doesn't want your DB there? If your parents are so nearby then you would think your DB could pop over to you fiancées parents house at some time during the day even if he didn't cone over to eat.

If you DF doesn't want to ask then I'd probably still go to the DFs parents house - I'd explain it to your DB, he is old enough to understand.

helenahandbag · 17/12/2015 20:28

I assumed OP's parents are Jehovas Witnesses, could be wrong though.

Why is your fiancé furious? That seems a bit of an overreaction.

Duckdeamon · 17/12/2015 20:28

Presumably until age 9 he'd never experienced christmas day festivities: now he has he really liked it!

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2015 20:29

I don't see why you can't go if your brother doesn't.
His Christmas at your in laws was like a one off party for him and surely he and youb can't expect it every year . No reason for you both to miss out.

OTiTO · 17/12/2015 20:29

Ohh, I missed the update.

That puts some new light on the matter. Sad. I would be livid back at him.

What a meany!

reni2 · 17/12/2015 20:30

I would go if I were you, you are marrying into the family, your brother is not. 11 is more than old enough to understand this. Get him a gift to unwrap at home.

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2015 20:30

Agrestic - because it looks like some years his parents took him on holiday, and it's only since the OP met her DP she's started celebrating Christmas and her DB has realised what he's missing out on....

OP - your DP being livid when he doesn't get his own way isn't a good sign! Have you asked if he'll "sound out" his mum for inviting your DB to join you, or suggested as it's only a 10 minute drive between your PIL and your Parents house that you split the day, doing morning and lunch with PIL then going to your parents to spend some time at 'tea' with your DB?

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 20:32

Yes my partner is livid because I've committed. I was asked last month whether I would be joining and I said I would love to although at that time my parents/ brothers holiday plans weren't clear and there was a possibility they would have been away. It's only very recently that these circumstances have come to light.

I still feel very wretched about this situation and that I've caused a big mess for everyone.

OP posts: