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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Real dilemma about Christmas - WWYD

207 replies

notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:22

My fiancé and I have been a couple for just over 6 years and we're getting married next year.
I'm at a loss at what to do about Christmas. My family are from a religious background where we don't celebrate Christmas although we still give friends and neighbours Christmas cards.
My fiancé's family do Christmas in a BIG way. This year is set to be their biggest yet - there'll be about 10 family members there including my fiancé's sister's baby and his brother's 10 year old. It's really special to have them together as some family live abroad.
Anyway- since I've been with my fiancé I have spent Christmas Day with his family. As I never had Christmas growing up its really wonderful - very special.
A couple of years ago my parents went away on holiday and I looked after my brother for a week or so. He was 9 at the time and as it coincided with Christmas my future mother in law kindly invited him along- he LOVED it and it was very very special. They even got him some pressies and I did too just so he wouldn't feel left out when all was being opened under the tree.

Fast forward to this year and I've been invited for Christmas again and I don't know whether I should go. My brother is now 11 and I know he would be heartbroken if I got to have a Christmas and he didn't. I've asked my fiancé if he could come along (he really isn't any trouble) but he's said that it probably would be too much of a full house. I imagine my mil would say yes but I don't want to put her under more pressure as she's cooking for a lot of people and it's the biggest Christmas yet.
I know his family have bought presents for me and are assuming I'm coming. I just don't know what to do. I want to go but I hate the idea of my younger brother sitting at home with no company while I'm out enjoying myself.

Advice?

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 17/12/2015 20:33

He's livid? He's a prat.

He could have just asked his mum if it was OK.

Kacie123 · 17/12/2015 20:34

Eh? Why? That's a baffling response. If you didn't turn up because you were ill or something, would he still be livid? Why does it matter to him that you turn up no matter what?

... And do you really want to marry a guy who doesn't like you prioritising your little brother sometimes?

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2015 20:34

Ah, so they have planned on you being there... not so bad reaction then.

Can you ask if he could sound out his mum, or possibly raise the idea you'll only stay for part of the day (probably the lunch as that'll be the main bit) so you can spend part of it with your DB?

Oswin · 17/12/2015 20:35

Ag the drama now is because he finally got to experience Xmas and how magic it can be. How sad for him to know that he won't experience it again till he's older.

MistressMerryWeather · 17/12/2015 20:35

You haven't caused a big mess, you are being thoughtful about your 11 year old little brother.

You only made a suggestion.

DP needs to wise up.

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 20:36

Oh poor you, you're really stuck between a rock and a hard place aren't you?

I don't think some people are quite getting it. The ops family don't celebrate Xmas, they might be Jewish/Muslim, it will be hard for the little boy because Christmas is everywhere and now he's had a taste of it at the ops mil house.

Now she's got her fiancé mad at her too.

Op I think that you should go to your mil house as usual. Could you persuade your own parents to do a low key Christmas with a little tree and a couple of small gifts for your little bro?

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2015 20:36

He's livid that you're worried about leaving your little brother not able to celebrate Christmas?

Kacie123 · 17/12/2015 20:36

Jeez what a lovely family to marry into if they can't understand this...

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2015 20:37

It would be a dealbreaker for me if my partner didn't want the best for my young brother. It would show a callous side to his nature that I would find very hard to live with.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 17/12/2015 20:37

You're going to be married for a long, long time. And your brother will eventually grow up, have his own family and form his own traditions.

Although I think your fiancé is wrong to be 'livid' I do think that you should go to his family party as you've apparently always done. And it's inappropriate to hint or ask for an invitation for your brother. Your brother may or may not be disappointed but that's just part of growing up. Perhaps as a compromise you and he can have a Christmas lunch somewhere another day and you can give him a gift.

WeirdCatLadyIsFeelingFestive · 17/12/2015 20:37

I think your partner being 'livid' at you is a shocking over reaction. I wouldn't be impressed with that, personally.

However, it is not your partners family's responsibility to give your brother a christmas. If he so wants to celebrate then it should be your parents who sort it out. I think you need to let your parents know how much he would like to celebrate it and let them decide whether to put their son before their beliefs.

HPsauciness · 17/12/2015 20:37

Disappointed is normal. Livid is nasty. Why is he livid?

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 20:39

I also think it's over the top for your partner to be livid. But as a pp pointed out your little brother will grow up and make his own traditions.

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 20:41

I think your best bet might be to persuade your parents to put on a little Christmas for your brother.

I have many friends that don't celebrate Christmas but have ended up joining in a little for the kids.

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 20:41

I'm willing to accept I'm being unreasonable. I've made a bit of a mess here. I honestly thought they would welcome the company for our niece (10) as they've got on very well in the past.
I realise that's presumptuous and inappropriate but I'm so torn and I don't want to upset anybody.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2015 20:42

Actually, in defence of the DP - are you being a little hard work about this? "I can't come to your Mums on Christmas day now" is one thing but "I know i said i'm comng but I'm not sure i will now. I've still not made my mind up, I'm not sure when I'll make my mind up." (and it's only a week to go) would make most people a bit pissed off, does he tell his mum you aren't coming? Does he say you might not be and create a drama? Does he feel you are forcing an invite for your DB when he's already said he thinks it'll be too much for his mum?

It might be better to say "I will definately coming for Christmas day, but if my brother can't come along, I might need to spend part of the day with my brother, what would work best for me to disappear for a while, after lunch or would it be better not to be there in the morning and arrive in time for lunch?" or "I definately can't leave him, sorry, I'll call your Mum and explain myself, I can come along at Xpm to join you for the evening."

PurpleGreenAvocado · 17/12/2015 20:42

It's up to your parents really, I mean it's their choice whether he's allowed to take part in Christmas celebrations isn't it? Other than that, if he's not invited by your in laws then that's their choice too.

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 20:43

You haven't made a mess you're just trying to keep everyone happy.

You sound very kind and thoughtful I hope your fiancé appreciates that

Duckdeamon · 17/12/2015 20:43

You haven't caused any mess. Bet your MIL would be fine with this and that it's your fiance who for unknown reasons is being unseasonable!

It's totally fine for you to reconsider plans from time to time, eg when circumstances change or you are considering others' needs. You care very much about your brother and are worried about him. Your fiance should understand that and try to help find a solution, and explain his concerns rationally. Sounds like he just wants you to fit in and shut up! Not nice. Grinch behaviour!

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2015 20:46

X post - you have to upset someone. You assumed another person would be no bother, you've been told now it is. So either you manipulate the situation where they feel they have to invite him when they don't want to (so piss them off) or you don't and you deal with your DB being upset.

What might help, is if you stop thinking that it's you that will be upsetting your DB by not providing an exciting christmas day for him, it's actually your parents' choice.

titchy · 17/12/2015 20:47

Oswin seriously how patronising. What next - all those poor little Jewish, Hindi, Muslim, Sikh children not experiencing the magic of Christmas? You do understand that Christmas is a Christian celebration, and that plenty of people are not in fact Christian. All they all deprived Hmm

OP - you've been invited somewhere and accepted and now you're reneging on that - I'm not surprised your dp is cross. You've just rejected his family's invite. Agree livid is a nasty over reaction though....

Just go. Celebrate something else with your brother at another time.

threestars · 17/12/2015 20:47

Your PILs sound lovely. Ask them directly, don't go via DF.

Or, if it really sounds impossible, ask if he can come after they've eaten, as I'm sure it's not the food he loved, but the atmosphere and friendliness. Don't get worried about it. It's not an inappropriate thing to ask!

Then if that's not possible, I'm sure you could leave late afternoon and then have DB stay the night with you and you can make it special for him for the evening. I'd be stunned if DF's family disagreed with that. It would be pretty selfish!

reni2 · 17/12/2015 20:48

You have caused no mess whatsoever. Your parents don't celebrate Christmas and therefore neither does your brother.

You just go with your fiancée. I bet you do loads of things your brother would enjoy, but you can't take him with you into your marriage.

TempusEedjit · 17/12/2015 20:49

You said in your opening post that your fiance's family assumed you are coming, you then said later that you'd committed a month ago and told them you'd love to.

Ultimately it's your parents' responsibility to do something nice for your brother over Christmas now they know how much it means to him, to let your fiance's family down this close to Christmas is out of order.

TabithaTwitchEye · 17/12/2015 20:50

I have no advice other than to say I think you sound absolutely lovely.