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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Real dilemma about Christmas - WWYD

207 replies

notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:22

My fiancé and I have been a couple for just over 6 years and we're getting married next year.
I'm at a loss at what to do about Christmas. My family are from a religious background where we don't celebrate Christmas although we still give friends and neighbours Christmas cards.
My fiancé's family do Christmas in a BIG way. This year is set to be their biggest yet - there'll be about 10 family members there including my fiancé's sister's baby and his brother's 10 year old. It's really special to have them together as some family live abroad.
Anyway- since I've been with my fiancé I have spent Christmas Day with his family. As I never had Christmas growing up its really wonderful - very special.
A couple of years ago my parents went away on holiday and I looked after my brother for a week or so. He was 9 at the time and as it coincided with Christmas my future mother in law kindly invited him along- he LOVED it and it was very very special. They even got him some pressies and I did too just so he wouldn't feel left out when all was being opened under the tree.

Fast forward to this year and I've been invited for Christmas again and I don't know whether I should go. My brother is now 11 and I know he would be heartbroken if I got to have a Christmas and he didn't. I've asked my fiancé if he could come along (he really isn't any trouble) but he's said that it probably would be too much of a full house. I imagine my mil would say yes but I don't want to put her under more pressure as she's cooking for a lot of people and it's the biggest Christmas yet.
I know his family have bought presents for me and are assuming I'm coming. I just don't know what to do. I want to go but I hate the idea of my younger brother sitting at home with no company while I'm out enjoying myself.

Advice?

OP posts:
Jellytot321 · 17/12/2015 21:43

I would definitely go to the Christmas meal, without a doubt. I think you know that it's going to be a bit hectic and you don't really want to ask your MIL.

How about you suggest that you, maybe your fiancé and your brother do something together on boxing day? As a sort of mini Christmas.

That's what a lot of people do, because you can't please everyone sometimes OP!

Jellytot321 · 17/12/2015 21:44

X posted, never mind. Glad you're sorted Grin

PurpleDaisies · 17/12/2015 21:45

That's great-really glad it's sorted out now.

Floggingmolly · 17/12/2015 21:45

Great that it's sorted; but why was your partner so pissed off, has he explained?

threestars · 17/12/2015 21:45

Fantastic, notamum. Most people ARE openhearted and don't see Christmas as a chore. Bet you all have a lovely time.

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2015 21:45

Fantastic, so sorted then! Make sure you buy her something lovely!

Duck90 · 17/12/2015 21:46

X post too. But for clarity, were you going to your parents on Christmas Day if your brother couldn't go to the inlaws?

AliceInUnderpants · 17/12/2015 21:46

Oh what a sad situation Sad You sound lovely OP I would now approach the in-laws about it, and see what they say. Your DP's "livid" reaction concerns me, though.

reni2 · 17/12/2015 21:47

Make sure to tell her you'll buy all his gifts so they don't have to run out and shop last minute for him.

Bubbletree4 · 17/12/2015 21:47

I think this is quite clear cut. Your family don't do Christmas and your brother is a child and really has to stay with his parents. You can't change this for him unfortunately and you can just invite him to come along to ils. You can give him a nice present though, regardless of whether that was on Christmas Day or not.

You are marrying into a family who have invited you for Christmas. I sympathise with your fiancé tbh, it is very annoying when people back out of things they've agreed to. Presumably these shit Christmases your parents do were prevalent during your own childhood? Your brother will grow up and no doubt make amazing Christmases for his own dc.

AliceInUnderpants · 17/12/2015 21:48

Sorry x-post. Fantastic outcome Grin

You need to think about the years going forward though and maybe fux a plan in place for next year.

Original poster
notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 21:48

That was the dilemma Duck90. I was veering towards a no given the circumstances and then hearing DP's reaction made me rethink as it made me realise how upset and angry it would make him. I feel there's a lot of bad feeling in the air between us and I know he'll argue that I've guilted him into this but I feel he was being very mean spirited.

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 21:51

Oh so it's a little bittersweet, I'm sure that it will all work out fine on Christmas Day but perhaps think ahead for next year.

titchy · 17/12/2015 21:51

Bubble tree - shit Christmases - OP's family are not Christian, that's why they don't have Christmas, not because they can't be arsed. FFS.

BifsWif · 17/12/2015 21:53

I'm glad it's sorted OP, you sound lovely and I hope you and your brother have a wonderful day.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 21:59

He's just trying to protect his mum from more hassle. She's obliged to say yes because it's Christmas and db's a child and she would look like a Scrooge if she didn't, that's why it's so naughty.

If my husband wanted his step brother to come along to my parents for Christmas, if he asked well in advance and I discussed with my parents and it was all arranged, fine. But if he asked the week before - could SB come along because Christmas was more fun at my parents than at his - the answer would be no, he's his parents' problem. I wouldn't even ask my mum because I wouldn't dream of putting her in that position. If my husband bypassed me because he wasn't getting the answer he wanted and asked my mum directly, I'd be furious.

Twinklestein · 17/12/2015 22:00

That was in reply to your fiancé being 'meanspirited'.

MrsPnut · 17/12/2015 22:02

I know as a person who adores Christmas that I would welcome all waifs and strays for the day. I have family coming and today dd1 asked if her best friend could also join us. I make enough food to feed a small army so there is always enough to go around and I would hate to feel that someone was not having the day that they wanted.

Oswin · 17/12/2015 22:04

Oh for fucks sake titchy how the fuck is that patronising.
Xmas is magical for kids. If he had never experienced it then it would be fine because he wouldn't know or probably wouldn't care about it.
But he has experienced a lovely Xmas day, and would most likely be sad about missing it.

Fucking hell what's wrong with a big sister looking out for her little brother.
And fwiw titchy you don't have to be a fucking Christian to celebrate Xmas. I know one Christian yet every person I know celebrates Xmas. Because mostly its a cultural festival now, my family's Xmas has nothing to do with Jesus.

BackforGood · 17/12/2015 22:05

I think you are rude to have put your in-laws-to-be on the spot like that, and made them feel they have to invite your brother. It really isn't down to them.
Either, you take turns (which seems a bit silly if your family don't celebrate Christmas) or you just go to your dp's family Christmas, you can't start inviting your brother along to your dp's family "do's" - where does it stop ?

reni2 · 17/12/2015 22:07

You are lovely to your little brother. Just make sure you are not creating the BIL from hell for your dh in years to come, your db really is your parents' responsibility not yours and certainly not your MIL's. She might have said yes because one does at Christmas and he's a child, but might have felt put on the spot.

Oswin · 17/12/2015 22:08

Or op could have her brother with her at her house from now on till he can make his own traditions.
She really doesn't need to be spending the rest of her xmas's at the in laws.

titchy · 17/12/2015 22:13

Well if I had your kid over for my Diwali celebration one year because you were stuck Oswin I can absolutely guarantee I wouldn't think it appropriate to invite your kid the next year because they'd be missing out otherwise. It's not their fucking celebration to miss out on.

kinkytoes · 17/12/2015 22:14

I think you could be storing up problems for the future here, with your dp if not his family. Your brother is not your responsibility, at least he shouldn't be.

Next year wait for them to invite him, and if they don't - take the hint!

Pyjamaramadrama · 17/12/2015 22:17

In the nicest way possible, what kinky said.

I do sympathise with your predicament though