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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Real dilemma about Christmas - WWYD

207 replies

notamum3210 · 17/12/2015 19:22

My fiancé and I have been a couple for just over 6 years and we're getting married next year.
I'm at a loss at what to do about Christmas. My family are from a religious background where we don't celebrate Christmas although we still give friends and neighbours Christmas cards.
My fiancé's family do Christmas in a BIG way. This year is set to be their biggest yet - there'll be about 10 family members there including my fiancé's sister's baby and his brother's 10 year old. It's really special to have them together as some family live abroad.
Anyway- since I've been with my fiancé I have spent Christmas Day with his family. As I never had Christmas growing up its really wonderful - very special.
A couple of years ago my parents went away on holiday and I looked after my brother for a week or so. He was 9 at the time and as it coincided with Christmas my future mother in law kindly invited him along- he LOVED it and it was very very special. They even got him some pressies and I did too just so he wouldn't feel left out when all was being opened under the tree.

Fast forward to this year and I've been invited for Christmas again and I don't know whether I should go. My brother is now 11 and I know he would be heartbroken if I got to have a Christmas and he didn't. I've asked my fiancé if he could come along (he really isn't any trouble) but he's said that it probably would be too much of a full house. I imagine my mil would say yes but I don't want to put her under more pressure as she's cooking for a lot of people and it's the biggest Christmas yet.
I know his family have bought presents for me and are assuming I'm coming. I just don't know what to do. I want to go but I hate the idea of my younger brother sitting at home with no company while I'm out enjoying myself.

Advice?

OP posts:
Kacie123 · 18/12/2015 12:21

Twinkle, how on earth is it lacking social nous to talk to someone and get past all the "maybe she's mad/maybe she's stressed/maybe she's happy" speculating?

Healthy communication is the key to good relationships.

And no - I wouldn't wander over with a huge gift until I knew it would be welcomed.

Kacie123 · 18/12/2015 12:21

(I'm not saying YOU wouldn't like champagne and an abject apology - clearly you would, but that's you, not the OPs MIL!)

PrivatePike · 18/12/2015 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kacie123 · 18/12/2015 12:28

Again, it's a personal thing isn't it? My mil would be very uncomfortable with a big gift, no matter what. So it depends on the people involved. How is that hard to understand?

Never mind though, you're clearly pissed off at the OPs behaviour regardless, where I don't think it's end of the world behaviour. Horses for courses.

PrivatePike · 18/12/2015 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rageagainsttheBIL · 18/12/2015 12:39

I can see why your DH was upset and angry, I hate putting upon other people and making them feel obliged to do stuff.

I would also get your DB to buy some presents from him for your DH's family members. I'm sure he'll enjoy choosing them although you may need to help with costs.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2015 12:42

how on earth is it lacking social nous to talk to someone

Because it's putting MIIL in an impossible position where she will feel like she can't say no. It's an imposition to try and get OP's brother invited for future Christmases, he's not her inlaws' responsibilty. How do you now know that?

Not only do they have to feed him but they will feel like they have to get presents for him etc.

The key to good relationships is good manners and consideration for other people.

Kacie123 · 18/12/2015 12:51
PrivatePike · 18/12/2015 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2015 12:57

Seriously?

Sounds like you don't know your arse from your elbow tbh.

Kacie123 · 18/12/2015 13:01
Kacie123 · 18/12/2015 13:01

Guess I just don't think it's a big deal - much like Christmas itself. Anyway, off now. Good luck OP!

PrivatePike · 18/12/2015 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pyjamaramadrama · 18/12/2015 13:26

Kacie I do agree with you I think it very much depends on the people.

I wouldn't ask my mil because I don't think she'd like it and would feel obliged and awkward. She's lovely and a great host but she'd find it odd I think.

Thinking of my older sister on the other hand, she would love to host the ops little brother, she's very much a more the merrier type and would feel she was doing a good deed.

It's probably not correct etiquette or whatever to have your sibling tagging along to your in laws but some people genuinely wouldn't care, the op fiancé might be more uptight about it than his mother, we just don't know do we?

Even if the op did get it wrong it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things, what's more important social norms or making a child happy?

The op did actually say she won't be bothered in years to come as the brother will be older.

Twinklestein · 18/12/2015 13:46

Even if the op did get it wrong it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things, what's more important social norms or making a child happy?

Nothing to do with social norms. And what about making her inlaws happy given that they have generously extended an invitation to her? Why does this child who is currently no relation to them bear precedence over everyone else?

Rather than lobbying her MIL she should be lobbying her own mother or deciding to do Christmas for him herself. She could have done that this year if she'd thought about it in advance.

Pyjamaramadrama · 18/12/2015 14:02

I did suggest up thread that the op could persuade her parents to do a Christmas.

I just mean it does depend on the mil whether she feels put on.

RubbleBubble00 · 18/12/2015 16:41

you have not done anything wrong, you love your brother and you know he adored Xmas day with your inlaws - why wouldn't you want him there he's your family. You sound lovely and caring. Glad mil invited him any mum in that situation would. Think dp should have checked with his mum first before saying no and avoided all this.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 18/12/2015 19:08

I don't think OP should suggest her parents 'do a Christmas' for their son if it's against their religious beliefs. Their beliefs deserve to be respected as much as anyone's. I'd find it odd if DS1 suggested I celebrate Eid or Hanukkah for DS2 if DS1 were marrying into a family of that faith and DS2 had been to one of their celebrations. Actually, I wonder what OP's parents think of their son celebrating Christmas in the first place.

I think a better idea is that OP and her fiancé 'do' a Christmas for themselves and DB if MiL indicates that she prefers not to include DB in future celebrations.

Pyjamaramadrama · 18/12/2015 19:26

Well in my experience most of my non Christian friends and acquaintances join in Christmas. I have a lot of Muslim and Sikh friends and neighbours and they celebrate Christmas if not on a smaller scale.

My sons Church school also celebrate other festivals.

At work we do lunches and things for other religious festivals.

Christmas isn't about religion for a lot of people.

Of course no one should be forced to join in at Christmas which is why I said suggest.

mrtwitsglasseye · 18/12/2015 19:30

Haven't RTFT but why don't you and your fiance do Christmas at yours for your brother and yourselves, invite his family? Or go to his family Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, have Christmas Day the three of you?

Pyjamaramadrama · 18/12/2015 19:33

Anyway there were people up thread saying that they weren't meeting their sons needs! So not sure why you're picking on my post

whois · 18/12/2015 21:16

I don't think I'd have got him invited to your MiLs. I'd have tried to do a nice Christmas bricncvc with him and given him a computer game or doe thing that would keep him occupied for the rest of the day whilst you go to MiLs.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 18/12/2015 21:44

I'm not 'picking on your post', I didn't even mention your name.

As you've mentioned, others have said the same thing about his parents doing Christmas for him and I was addressing the general idea of suggesting that anyone do something that may be against their religious beliefs. For some religions (Jehovah's Witness for one) celebrating any holiday is considered a sin. And for many fundamentalists so would celebrating Eid or Hanukkah be.

Pyjamaramadrama · 18/12/2015 22:22

Ah ok sorry it's just the way you said 'do' a Christmas it was exactly what I'd said.

Yes obviously not enough information to go on it might be out of the question but it could be a possibility.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 18/12/2015 22:25

No problem. That's the thing with the written word, it's hard to interpret what someone means, maybe we need…... more emojis. Grin 😉