Real dilemma about Christmas - WWYD

[notamum3210]

My fiancé and I have been a couple for just over 6 years and we're getting married next year.
I'm at a loss at what to do about Christmas. My family are from a religious background where we don't celebrate Christmas although we still give friends and neighbours Christmas cards.
My fiancé's family do Christmas in a BIG way. This year is set to be their biggest yet - there'll be about 10 family members there including my fiancé's sister's baby and his brother's 10 year old. It's really special to have them together as some family live abroad.
Anyway- since I've been with my fiancé I have spent Christmas Day with his family. As I never had Christmas growing up its really wonderful - very special.
A couple of years ago my parents went away on holiday and I looked after my brother for a week or so. He was 9 at the time and as it coincided with Christmas my future mother in law kindly invited him along- he LOVED it and it was very very special. They even got him some pressies and I did too just so he wouldn't feel left out when all was being opened under the tree.

Fast forward to this year and I've been invited for Christmas again and I don't know whether I should go. My brother is now 11 and I know he would be heartbroken if I got to have a Christmas and he didn't. I've asked my fiancé if he could come along (he really isn't any trouble) but he's said that it probably would be too much of a full house. I imagine my mil would say yes but I don't want to put her under more pressure as she's cooking for a lot of people and it's the biggest Christmas yet.
I know his family have bought presents for me and are assuming I'm coming. I just don't know what to do. I want to go but I hate the idea of my younger brother sitting at home with no company while I'm out enjoying myself.

Advice?

Can't you have lunch in your house with your parents and brother, have a nice meal with crackers, give your brother a present and make a fuss of him and then follow your dh over to his parents at about 5 or 6 o clock that evening and join them for presents etc and the fun bit.

You are really overreacting to a non event.

You were invited for Christmas, you said yes. I don't see the dilemma. Your brother is your parents 'problem' (not the right word I know but can't think of another) to sort out, not yours. These are your ILs. I can't believe you'd turn around now and say "thanks for the invite and I know I've accepted and you have bought me presents but I'm not coming after all because I'm going to sit with my family who don't celebrate Christmas because I feel guilty." Whether you say those actual words or not, that is what you are doing to them.

Perhaps I've missed it but - are your parents going to be here for Christmas or are they going away? Is your brother staying with you over Christmas?

If you all live so close, you can do everything.

The first question is about what the MIL really feels about this. Has DP hinted about your DB coming & she's been negative or does he just not feel comfortable asking her? It may be she would be quite happy for DB to come. If DP hasn't asked is there any way he could put out feelers without MIL feeling pushed into agreeing?

Secondly I think you should work out a compromise with DP, which shouldn't be difficult if your families live near to each other. For example, get DB some presents & have a festive breakfast/morning then go for lunch at MIL. In the evening either go home with or without DP to play board games or whatever with DB, or if the other family are agreeable go and collect DB and take him over there for a bit.

I think rather than telling DP you're not going, you would be better explaining that you won't be able to enjoy yourself if you think DB is moping at home.

OP - what's changed, did you just assume the invite would be forthcoming for your PIL and left it to the last minute to check, or did you not think about your DB until the last minute and now feel guilty?

If you have accepted and agreed to go, at the point a month ago when you had those conversations, then it was time to raise the issue of your DB.

If your DP is certain it would be too much for his mum, then I think you need to respect that. It could well be 'too much' is a nice way of saying "she only wants family" particularly given as it's her DD's first year as a mother, and while she sees you as 'family' she doesn't see your DB that way. (And other than my 2 DCs' christenings, my PIL haven't been in the same room as my brother since I got married 8 years ago, it's not normal to view your DIL's brother as 'family')

Personally I think it was extremely gracious of your fiances family to invite your brother that year.

It's very bad manners indeed to ask the family to include your brother given they have a full house already.

Christmas is so stressful for for mothers! (You'll find that out soon enough).

Your fiancé made it clear that it was not appropriate so I can understand why he's pissed off that you didn't take the hint.

It puts him in a very difficult position because if he asks his mum, she will feel obliged and no-one will actually want him there. The whole family will have more hassle they will have to go and spend more money to get him presents etc at very late notice.

It's SO rude.

Your brother is your parents' responsibility, it's not for you to hijack another family's Christmas to get him a good deal. He's not their problem.

When you get married you can have Christmas at your house and invite your brother every year.

What changed was knowing my brother's circumstances and only knowing that he was going to be at home this week. I didn't think to check until now as I assumed (wrongly and unfairly) that an invite would be forthcoming if he was here.

Your point about who is/isn't family is very fair. I can see that.

Is it your niece or your nephew?

Niece. My brother in law's daughter just turned 10

But presumably your future MIL knows your parents don't do Christmas, from the year she invited your brother: therefore, she has had the opportunity to invite him and hasn't. I think your fiance has worked this one out, hence his comment that there's not space or whatever for him: it might be FMIL has already made a comment to him.

It's not like your parents aren't here, or aren't celebrating Christmas: it's not their tradition/culture/whatever. So whilst I understand your brother had a lovely time the year he was invited, I can see she doesn't want to be obligated to invite him every year - otherwise, surely she'd already have included him. If you ask her directly, you're putting her in a bad position - who could feel reasonable about refusing to host a child for Christmas in that position? Again, I stress- this isn't a child who celebrates it every year, and would be missing out otherwise: this is a child who had one Christmas, once (and not even last year) where it is not part of his family's tradition.

We OP is married, then she can have Christmas at her home, and invite her brother every year, if she pleases - but I think she's being unreasonable hoping to inviegle an invite for a child who has had one Christmas, but whose family don't ever celebrate it, when his parents are at home as normal.

I think her boyfriend is livid because she's already accepted the invite, confirmed her attendance, and is now considering not going to spend the day with her brother and her family - because it's Christmas, so her brohter doesn't feel left out, even though her family don't and never have celebrated Christmas.

I get that it's hard being somewhere where the majority of people celebrate different traditions to you - and sometimes, it can be very lonely. But this is a pre-teen boy, with a family, in a home with them, where they do not celebrate - not quite the same as an adult living alone.

Sorry, OP, but it's not a dilemma: you accepted the invitation, you attend - and if you really need to see your brother on the Christmas neither he nor you traditionally celebrate, then find a time its not inconvenient for your hosts and pop back the ten minutes you've said it is.

"Livid" says a lot about your fiance.

At any rate an adult should be able to handle disappointment better than a child.

I'd call his mother, apologize and say that you have a family matter to attend to that day, as it turns out. Wish her a Merry Christmas and see her at some other point over the holiday season. Have a fun Christmas with your little brother.

To be fair, the OP said she text him, he texted back 'livid' - the strength of his pissed off-ness might be the OP's interpretation, he might just be normal level pissed off by his fiancee mucking his parents about by being flakey about Christmas attendance a week away...

It's not disappointment at all Leander - OP is putting DP in an impossible position - either he is forced to put his mother to a great deal of extra trouble when she's already go a house full of guests, or he has to tell his family that his fiancé bailed at the last minute.

I cannot see how OP and many posters on this thread cannot see that the issue is very clear: she goes and she can't invite her brother.

Jesus Christ - so fucking what if the OP dropped out of it last minute? Still no excuse to be "livid".

"Christmas is so stressful for mothers, you'll find that soon enough" is bloody patronising, rude and projecting quite frankly. One more person isn't necessarily a big deal, and one less should be a convenience if it's so stressful.

Meanwhile there are probably other bigger issues here. Maybe her brother feels threatened at being left out too and her moving on. Mine would be. Maybe this is a way of staying connected.

Anyway - season of love and goodwill and apparently some people who just hate anything to disrupt their plans and all that... Argh.

Unless the OP is providing the food, gifts and entertainment for the entire family party, I don't think it would be a massive blow to their festivity if she chose to drop out in favor of her own family concerns. Holiday gatherings are rather fluid by their nature; they tend not to be formal dinner parties.

I would not want a fiance who couldn't understand my very real dilemma in worrying about my younger brother. All fiance seems to care about is his own convenience.

It's a very rude thing to do to a family who have been very generous and open-hearted to the OP.

You can't 'stay connected' at another family's expense.

I'm gobsmacked at the lack of social awareness on this thread and just basic manners.

And btw I don't find Christmas particularly stressful but that's because I do it my way and I don't have a houseful of guests.

I can see why mil might feel a little uncomfortable about this. OP's family don't celebrate Christmas for religious reasons. If mil were to invite this lad, it might seem as if she's criticising the parents, or their religion, saying it's not good enough. It's not up to mil to decide that. It feels rather condescending. It's the parents who will ultimately have to give permission for him to go, after all. The previous occasion was different, as OP couldn't leave her brother alone when their parents were away. That's not the case this year.

Livid is an emotional word, OP - what did his text back say? I would say under the circumstances of it being a week to christmas, you already having asked if your DB could come and told by your DP that no, he won't ask his mum, your text saying your not sure if you're going to be there after all might read as you trying to manipulate an invite, or just being a bit flakey that you still can't decide what to do when it's only a few days away - it would be normal to be annoyed by that.

Not the not going for Christmas to be with your brother, but the messing about, waiting until the last second, still not being clear if you are going or not, that would be the bit that would piss me off if I was your DP/PIL.

I second the idea that you should ask the pil directly - explain your position. And you dp is being horrible. And can people please stop making this a judgment of how non-Christians 'should' feel about or do Christmas? There's no right or wrong answer you know!

And agree with PPs who say you sound lovely! Whatever happens your DB is lucky to have such a nice big sis.

You need go to your fiancé and it's up to your parents to discuss the ins and outs of why they don't celebrate Christmas. I assume that your parents celebrate their own holidays and therefore it's up to them to make those days special. your brother is 11, at this point he's not in a position to make a decision he has to go with what your parents want.

I bet if you ask your MIL would she mind you bringing your brother she would be happy to have you both,
Just be honest & explain it..

As for people being mean about DB he is a child ! Of course he's going to want to go to the big, jolly, happy family gathering. If OP's parents don't mind that's not an issue.

Also it being rude to ask MIL/ expect her to cater for one more,
Bullshit!

Christmas is a time for family, goodwill & anyone decent wouldn't think twice about having an extra person round the table !!!

Be direct, give MIL a shout, get it off your chest & take it from there !

Case closed- he asked his mum and she's said my brother can come over.

I've texted a thank you to her and send s very grovelling apology for the late notice. I feel very guilty and I hope I really hope I haven't offended or hijacked their day.

Thank you for the advice on here.

So, you will be spending Christmas Day with your parents and brother? I'm confused.