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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

224 replies

mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:00

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

OP posts:
Bellebella · 04/10/2015 17:06

What then happens if she is teased at school tomorrow?

I can understand your reasoning but I personally would not have told her friends. I would worry it would give kids ammunition to then tease her.

NickNacks · 04/10/2015 17:07

I wouldn't have done it because I think it's disrespectful. I see nothing wrong with telling her she can't go back out but I think you were wrong to tell her friends.

SalemSaberhagen · 04/10/2015 17:08

Why didn't you tell her to go earlier? YABvU.

ilovesooty · 04/10/2015 17:08

This must be incredibly frustrating but I'd really worry thst she could be teased or bullied as a result.

helenahandbag · 04/10/2015 17:09

I can't really see what telling her friends that she nearly wet herself would achieve, apart from embarrassing her and making them uncomfortable (or giving them reason to laugh at her). I can understand that you're at the end of your tether and 10yo is certainly old enough to know when you need the toilet but losing your shit and humiliating your DD probably wasn't the way to go.

dustarr73 · 04/10/2015 17:10

I think thats an awful thing to do.Your poor dd will be so embarrassed and she will get slagged something rotten about it.

Doubting · 04/10/2015 17:11

Humiliating her is probably not the way to go but I can understand why you are frustrated.

Surprised DR blamed "laziness". Not very constructive.

Fizrim · 04/10/2015 17:11

I wouldn't have told her friends, no.

GloriaHotcakes · 04/10/2015 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 04/10/2015 17:12

Omg what a horrible thing to do. Of course yabu. Did you honestly think that would help matters?

ShatnersBassoon · 04/10/2015 17:12

Humiliation isn't a great tactic when you're trying to solve a problem. She didn't wet herself, so I'm not sure why you're that bothered. Of course her friends will think she did wet herself, so well done for handing them a stick to beat her with Hmm

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 17:13

I know every parent does stuff they know they maybe shouldn't but humiliating her to her friends is awful!

It's like you're using them to shame her and I can't see how that will help, which is what you're trying to do I presume.

Weren't you able to call her in a couple of hours ago when you noticed she needed the loo?

What about setting a timer at 3 hour or whatever intervals to remind her?

MrsReiver · 04/10/2015 17:13

My son has similar problems with poo, but as angry and annoyed as it makes me I would never mention it to his friends.

Have you apologised to your daughter?

d270r0 · 04/10/2015 17:15

Does she actually wet herself in front of her friends? Or does she make it to the toilet on time if they are around? Surely she must be embarassed if she wets herself in front of them, which would be worse than you saying that. But if she manages to stay dry around them then she must be very embarrased and I wouldn't have said that.
You must be at the end of your tether, I have a 4 and a half year old the same and I thought that was bad!

Passmethecrisps · 04/10/2015 17:16

This must be really frustrating but I fear that embarrassing her will have done only that. I would have thought that if the risk of peeing herself in front of them doesn't make her go more readily then you telling them that she nearly did will make no difference.

What does she say when you talk to her about it? I am sure you have tried everything but does she respond to positive praise like a sticker chart?

Original poster
mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:16

But she's 10! I shouldn't have to tell her to go to the toilet!
I do feel bad, I know I shouldn't have lost it and it was a very heat of the moment thing telling her friends but I've had to put up with this for over 7 years now. It's wearing me down, she's 10 years old and still needs prompting to piss! She'll hold it in all day at school and can barely walk home cos she's that desperate (despite denying it completely!) I've seriously had enough!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 04/10/2015 17:16

You should definitely apologise, but ultimately you can't unsay what you've said and you can't make her friends forget. It's humiliation as a behavioural tactic. Good going.

WeirdCatLadySaysFuckOffJeffrey · 04/10/2015 17:17

OP I don't think you're going to get a single person telling you what you did was okay so I really don't see what you hope to achieve with this thread?

What you did was really horrible and I'd be surprised if this doesn't deeply affect your relationship with your daughter.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 04/10/2015 17:18

Oh we have poo problem child in our house, you probably shouldn't have done it but I can see why you ended up doing it and if it's the worst thing that ever happens to her she's a lucky girl

Grammar · 04/10/2015 17:18

I wouldn't have done it, myself. There may be a myriad of reasons why she leaves it so late, not just because 'she's a lazy little madam'...

If you leave well alone, this may just right itself on the residential, if not, I reckon it needs sensitive looking into. Is she stressed by any chance?

NickNacks · 04/10/2015 17:20

Even after the heat of the moment, you don't sound sorry. You sound really angry still.

MrsReiver · 04/10/2015 17:20

My son's 11, he's had these issues since he was 3. No, I shouldn't HAVE to remind him to sit on the loo, but I do. Yes it's annoying, and frustrating, and my life feels like it revolves around shit - but humiliating him in front of his friends would achieve nothing other than damaging our relationship and destroying his trust.

mileend2bermondsey · 04/10/2015 17:21

FWIW OP I dont think YWBU. Shes going to be in high school next year FGS. She hasnt got a medical condition, shes just lazy. Perhaps she needs something like this to get it through her head shes behaving stupidly.

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 17:21

'But she's 10! I shouldn't have to tell her to go to the toilet!'

But you do because she needs reminding!

It's easy for me to say because it's not my DD but don't you feel any compassion for her? You keep saying it's laziness, is she lazy in other stuff she does? Even if you're right is that her fault if she can't help the way she is?

Original poster
mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:22

I know it's not ok, hence why I feel bad! I'm just so fed up with her lazy attitude when it comes to going to the toilet!
Her friends are more likely to pick on her if she full on wets herself at school...I'm just trying anything I can think of to get her to go off her own back! Everything else I've tried so far has failed!
So the general consensus is I'm a shit parent. If it stops her from permanently damaging her kidneys (which the doctor told her will happen) then so be it...

OP posts: