To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

[mumtoaninja]

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

Your poor DD. Kids can be so cruel and you've maybe given them ammunition for years to tease her with. I've had similar issues with my DS and was under a lot of pressure to get him to "snap out of it" but I realised although there was no physical cause he was very anxious so we worked together to get his issues sorted. To me this sounds as though there is a psychological cause and I'd be doing my best to get her a referral. She needs your support not you humiliating her.

I'm on your side OP, it might just might make a change.

DD will be menstruating soon, what will happen then. - Really she can't go around smelling of wee, she will get picked on. And pretty unpleasant for anyone sitting next to her.

I would try some counselling for her if you can afford it and a better doctor or paediatrician. And can you speak to eg the school child psychologist for advice for what to do (if such a thing exists now).

Oh my god. People have actually bullied the OP off the site. Am I reading correctly? This is meant to be a place to gain support and she's been in floods of tears. As if she didn't feel bad enough already. OP I really hope you don't leave because of this.

I am so shocked at some of the comments here. Op I am sorry you have had to read some of this stuff. Some people clearly are perfect parents or (more likely) have forgotten the mistakes they have made.

OP I'm going to PM you this but will post here as well in case it helps anyone.

Have you heard of paruresis as this may be relevant to the fact she's not weeing at school at all. I had never heard of it and spend my entire life thinking I was a freak for being unable to use the toilets at school (I wet myself at school once, but otherwise I held it until I got home) and then it was mentioned in a book I read.

The thread has moved on but to answer reup, no if anything I suspect that the combined efforts of dh and I, grandparents and medical professionals just prolonged things. Ignoring the whole thing would have been much more,sensible, but so hard to do

I hope you do read on and see that not everyone jumps in with both feet. You are not a bad parent. You made a bad judgement call, probably due to your emotions at the time. That's not the same thing.

You and your DD will move on from this. This isn't a reflection of your parenting overall, just one of those moments.

I did that as a child, I grew out of it. I don't think you should have told her friends, if she gets teased/bullied how will you feel then?

I don't think everyone on this thread has experienced extended toilet issues like the OP which is maybe why the replies seen harsh. I've got experience of this - DC1 ad compacted constipation which led to toilet phobia. It has been a hard slog but the constipation seems to have sorted itself with movicol. But there is still bed wetting and it took a long time for the dryness in the day.

I know how it is to be fed up and at the end of your tether with it all. So I can understand why you came out with what you did. It's years and years of frustration, seeing your child suffer with UTI's and not drinking enough. It isn't just not making it to the toilet on time but the worry of what the lack of water is doing internally to OP - kidneys being the prime example. Long term problems like this are draining and extremely frustrating.

OP - I don't think your doctor has helped any in labelling your DD lazy. There's something more too it than that. My DH and GP said this so I asked for a referral to the specialist. Three sessions and she had diagnosed the problem, set up a rapport with DC1 and started treatment. But I was lucky. If possible, do you think you could invest in an Eric watch? You can set it to vibrate so that it can subtly remind DD to goto the loo if she's too focussed or distracted. It's a though maybe? Also, try the Eric forums and you will probably find lots of parents who have been in similar positions. HTH.

Are they sure she hasn't got an overactive bladder?

I have no experience with this, but perhaps go back to basics with potty training. Let her have an accident then make her stop what she's doing to go shower and change. Maybe if she sees it actually interrupts more of her fun instead of just going to the bathroom she'll stop doing it. Don't make a big deal of it.

If she won't drink water give her food with plenty of it like fruits and veggies.

But maybe natural consequences will be better since 6 years of constant reminding and shouting isn't working.

Loving the holier than thou attitude on here today!

I think for a lot of people if they get a diagnosis from a dr then that's that. They're the expert, the Drs diagnosis is taken as gospel, etc etc. So I don't think OP can be blamed for citing what she was told by a professional?!

What op said to daughters friends was very unfortunate, but it is said now. Let's hope that she can make amends.

I've been potty training ds2 (age 2) over the last few months and that has been frustrating enough, so I can imagine what it must be like when your 10 year old won't use the loo....

I don't think that it's holier than thou to think that even though OPs at the end of her tether there was no need to involve her daughter's friends in what's going on!

I don't think you are a bad mum. I think you have been fighting this for such a long time that you are at the end of your rope.

It looks like she doesn't want to wee at school OR at home, so it can't just be school stinkiness she's avoiding.

How about a frank discussion, where you let her know she is a big girl now, so you are NOT going to tell her to go any more, she will have to make that call herself. Give her ALL the responsibility for this.
And if she does wet herself, it will sharpen her awareness and make her realise that she'd better go earlier, and not wait until mum has nagged her 5 times, because mum is not going to nag her at all.

You prompting her has not worked.
'If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got.'
Time for a change, then?

Good luck

I've had similar problems with my DD who is now 12. She was slow to toilet train and would be often wet coming home from school and also dirty as she'd be hopeless at wiping her bottom properly. Things really reached a head when she somehow managed to lock herself briefly in the toilet in primary school when she was about 9 and since has developed a real fear of using public toilets where she has to lock the door. This led to her holding her urine in for hours and hours in school but she would dribble wee making her knickers damp and smell very strongly of urine. Her wee used to be so dark as she would avoid drinking in order not to go.

She also got urine infections and we went through a really bad stage with constantly wet knickers. We have managed to sort it now through making her confront her fears, I would go into the cubicle with her and lock the door, she'd be begging me not to lock it but I'd do it to show her that it was ok and that even if it did lock she would never be totally stuck as they'd take the door off of needs be!

She's still not 100% there, she's still not fussed about using public loos but we battled through. Secondary school helped in that she had to just get on with it in front of her friends. She STILL has an issue where she's not wiping her bottom properly as her knickers are usually dirty and yes, I do feel your frustration OP as like you say she'll be menstruating soon and cleanliness will then be even more important.

I sometimes wonder if my DD has had some sensory / spectrum issues as when she was little she'd hand flap when she got excited, had real problems with wearing certain clothes - she's still ultra careful about how her socks are on and little things like that although I suspect part of it is sheer laziness too as she needs reminding to shower / clean teeth / brush hair etc. Bloomin frustrating and I've come close to threatening to tell her friends how much of a dirty bugger she can be on times but bitten it back. I'm sure she'll get there eventually. Boys will be on the scene at some point!

Yabu. It wasn't constructive or being cruel to be kind, just a pretty nasty way to express your annoyance. I think you should also go and explain to the friends, either now or first thing tomorrow that you were joking/ meant she'd wet herself with a drink or any other bullshit excuse for what you said. And apologise profusely to your dd.

Snapping at your dd I could understand, even if it's not ideal. Sharing her personal and humiliating problem when she isn't even there I can't tbh.

But if OP's daughter isn't being prompted at school then that hasn't been ongoing enough to be of any use I wouldn't have thought.

Plus the fact that she deliberately doesn't drink so that she doesn't need to wee at school.

That's a big concern.

Ds1 is 11 and still can't wipe his bum properly. Usually has skids and sometimes I have to put cream on as he gets nappy rash. He sometimes can't tell if he needs a wee or a poo. He has dyspraxia. It stops you from being able to wipe as you have co-ordination difficulties. Also it stops you realising you need a wee. He was dry at night at 2. He only became dry in the day when he was over three and accidentally pooed on his bedroom carpet. He wasn't told off. I get the frustration though.

Fuzzpig, I was the same until I was 12. I was way too anxious to use school toilets and would just hold on sometimes not quite managing it .

It wasn't laziness. I was shit scared of the school toilets until I went to a school where they were clean and well lit.

OP, your doctor sounds really unhelpful. Your dd needs someone to talk to about this. Also, as she's been doing it so long, her bladder will be distended and that may lessen the sensation of needing to go. It will need retraining. I'd suggest some kind of reward to work towards every time she goes and doesn't hold on for hours.

You have had a real kicking on here OP and it is not deserved.

You really do sound like you are the end of your tether, which is not surprising. My DD has always had a problem pooing since we potty grained. She is on medication for it because she won't go else and just hold it for days and stops eating because she knows she will have to poo, then it starts coming out in dribs and drabs until, she has no choice but to go. Luckily medication has sorted this but we have tried cutting it down and she goes right back again so I get it when it is frustrating and they won't go. However I know it isn't because she is lazy and it is a real psychological problem with going for a poo. When she was around 2/3, she needed to go desperately but was trying not to, she spent an hour and a half running into the wall and back to the sofa again and again and again. We didn't know what to do until in the end she had no choice but to go. She is afraid of it hurting her.

Have you been seeing the same doctor all this time or have you seen different ones? If it is the same one I'd want a second opinion. A friend of mine has a DD with problems weeing because she won't empty her bladder but leaves some and it means she gets infections. It has caused a lot of kidney problems and hospital appointments. I'd honestly think there was more to it.

I also don't think you should take her to the toilet or constantly remind her either, not at 10 years old. Either she does have a psychological problem or she really can't be bothered to go until she has no choice. She may also not like the school toilets. I won't go in public unless I am absolutely desperate either.

I have some experience of this. The list of possible underlying/coexisting/consequential problems is endless. You need a better GP and a paeds referral. Today was not your finest moment as a parent but probably few here are blameless in that department. You do, however, need to get past the idea that your DD is a 'lazy little madam', which is not very nice, probably untrue and certainly irrelevant.

I have tried to PM the OP and it says they can't be sent.

I hope many of you are proud of yourselves. What a disgusting example of AIBU. There was absolutely no need for the vitriol towards this woman.

Some posters would do well to remember that there is a real person on the other end, someone who wanted a bit of advice and who was clearly at the end of her tether. She obviously wasn't proud of herself or she would never have even asked.

I learned a long time ago not to post anything important here and this thread has completely reiterated why. Absolutely disgraceful.

Couldn't agree more, Crapbag.

There's some right twats about today.

Sounds like she just dislikes public toilets / anyone knowing she had to go (and doesn't realise it's obvious anyway). I'm the same. Like people to think I have super powers. Never had any continence issues, but I was the child who never drank anything except at home, and I only started to get over it when alcohol become involved (so 18!). In fact, the other day I was told off by a nurse for being too dehydrated for her to get enough blood out of me. It's habit at this point. I drink loads at home. Not wet myself since I was five, so I think this behaviour might be quite common and only picked up in kids who get noticeable health problems from it.

I too have noticed that AIBU is quite horrible at the moment, I too am reluctant to post anything important. Such a shame.