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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

224 replies

mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:00

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

OP posts:
Doubting · 04/10/2015 17:58

There very clearly IS an underlying issue!! It may not be physical. It may very well be psychological. It is very real and needs addressing. It is clearly NOT laziness.

Why are you so strongly denying an underlying issue?

leghoul · 04/10/2015 18:00

if no bladder issues o neurological issues identified relating to micturition I'd be wondering about things like her general awareness of time/inattention and concentration problems, and anxieties, either specific to this or general

definiteissues · 04/10/2015 18:04

What a shitty thing to do to a child.
You don't sound sorry at all.

You seem very sure there are no underlying issues. But I wouldn't count it out. Kids don't tend to piss their pants on purpose. Wouldn't be surprised if in 10 years she turns around and tells you "I got a cause, this is what caused it"

And I hope you then feel bad for calling her lazy and giving other kids a reason to bully her

Youarentkiddingme · 04/10/2015 18:05

OP is not a bully. She's a mother at the end of her tether who lost her temper and regrets it.

Unless you e been there with these issues you cannot understand. Back and forth to Drs for 6/7 years to be told it's laziness and they start questioning your parenting and that your looking for a problem.

Can you get the school and her teacher onboard? Get her to make DD go to the toilet at lunch and break before she goes out to play and before she comes home. Make sure she drinks a certain amount each school day during school and again after school. She's old enough to have the consequences of what she's doing to her bladder and kidneys explained to her.

Why not open up the lines of communication with her about how she thinks she is going to manage on the residential? What is she going to do if she wets herself because she doesn't go? Show her what responsibilities she has to take with this.

I'd also tell her when she wants to go out "yes of course DD, once you've been for a wee". Get her in the habit of going before she does stuff.

sandgrown · 04/10/2015 18:10

Can all you perfect parents leave the OP alone and come up with some constructive suggestions! FWIW I lost it with my teenage DS this weekend when his obsession with being near a toilet became too.much and he refused to come on a family outing . When you have tried everything you can to help and asked all the professionals it can all get too much.

velourvoyageur · 04/10/2015 18:10

She's obviously not doing it to be difficult!
Yes I think it was totally unnecessary and not likely to work in tackling the root cause at all.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 04/10/2015 18:13

I'm really surprised at the response from your doctors. I had a similar problem with one of my dcs and was told that what starts as a behavioural problem can actually become a physical one. Not drinking very much exacerbates it - the bladder becomes very irritated and your dd may no longer always get much warning before it empties.

Trust me, I know first hand how frustrating this is. But embarrassing her is not going to make it better.

I suggest a good read [http://www.eric.org.uk/Parents/daytime_wetting of the ERIC website]] and then a return visit to the GP. The school nurse may also be able to help.

captainproton · 04/10/2015 18:13

My sister was like this, I used to have to take home every time she wet herself when we were out playing in the street.

I used to remind her because she embarrassed me and she didn't really get embarrassed by it. But she never listened. The last time she did it she was about 8 and we were in a friends garden she wet herself on the slide. All the kids ended up sliding in it and they all yelled at her.

I dragged her home and I refused to play with her anymore. She said then and some years later, she couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet because she was busy playing.

Peer humiliation stopped her from doing it again. There was nothing wrong with her. I know children can have bladder problems and my cousins did well into their teens but for my sister it was purely not being bothered to go, and I imagine mum and me having to clean up after her and she not really having to do any of it didn't help either.

Kids can be blunt and cruel and if your dd really is just lazy and not suffering physical or psychological problems then perhaps she will mature when away and not wet herself to fit in.

IguanaTail · 04/10/2015 18:15

OP - I don't think half the spite that is coming your way would happen in real life. AIBU was not the best place for this thread. You were unreasonable but I'm prepared to bet my whole salary that some people on here will have done worse. It's not great, but it's not irreparable. Please don't be upset by some of the comments here.

theycallmemellojello · 04/10/2015 18:16

No one is denying that the op must be having a hard time with this. But she WAS unreasonable to humiliate her daughter and having a hard time doesn't excuse that. I think she will have to have to apologise and also go back to speak to the friends or their parents to make amends. I think that frustration in the heat of the moment is one thing but the op also needs to stop treating this problem as a piece of misbehaviour to be punished rather than as a symptom of a psychological problem.

AliceScarlett · 04/10/2015 18:16

Poor both of you, unacceptable behaviour from you, but we are all unacceptable sometimes, especially when worn down.

Could you pay for a specialist? Eithet gyno or psych or both? Or go back to GP and ask for a referral?

Does she want to stop weeing herself?

What is the function of this behaviour? What does it give her?

PolterGoose · 04/10/2015 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhetherOrNot · 04/10/2015 18:18

OP I don't think you're going to get a single person telling you what you did was okay

Except me !!!! Peer pressure works wonders I find Smile

PolterGoose · 04/10/2015 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idefix · 04/10/2015 18:19

Op what kind of doctors? Gp, urologist?
If organic reasons have been ruled out I would definitely be asking for a Camhs referral your dd behaviour does not sound like laziness.

I can understand how frustrating this must be and you sound like you care very much for dd but are at your wits ends.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 18:20

If there is nothing wrong with her physically, it might be psychological. I also would go back to grass roots, and take her myself every 2 hours, and keep asking her, so she gets into the routine. Go back to the GP and see if they can refer her to a child psychologist.

Dynomite · 04/10/2015 18:24

I think you were a pretty shit mother today. And you don't even feel bad about it, you just make excuses and tell us how angry and frustrated you are and how we should all be understanding of you. I feel bad for your DD. She will get severely picked on at school for this. And she has a bully for a mother.

Only1scoop · 04/10/2015 18:29

Awful. This could make the problem even more magnified to her.

I'd seek some help.

manicinsomniac · 04/10/2015 18:30

Could she suffering from OCD?

I have a young relative who was still fully wetting herself several times a week at the age of 8 but never at home. After a lot of doctors and intervention from CAMHS she was diagnosed with OCD and one of the main problems was an intense fear of strange and public toilets and their germs. She's nearly 13 now and so so much better but she still needs a lot of help and support. For example, around Christmas time last year I was in a busy shopping centre miles from my house with her, my daughters and some of her siblings and she was obviously desperate to go. I trailed everyone to toilets at both ends of the shopping centre but she was so distressed and panicked by the crowds and the less than clean nature of the toilets that I couldn't get through to her. She was getting very close to a proper panic attack when she finally wet herself outside Mcdonalds as I tried to get her to go and look in the toilets there. She was 12 years old. It was horrifying and I still feel like I failed her but I was on my own with a lot of children and I didn't know the proper strategies to handle her. I am absolutely certain that she would never have humiliated herself like that on purpose though.

I can't believe your daughter is just lazy.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 18:30

Erm not helpful dyno.! Kick a mother while she is down. Must be fabulous to be so blardy perfect.
Yes I gave criticism and what she did was probably not the smartest thing she has ever done, and she would without doubt admit that, but verbal abuse is uncalled for. I think she probably feels shit guilty and bad enough with out you to remind her.

Eveysdad · 04/10/2015 18:33

Not a pleasant thing to do OP but I understand. I would apologies profusely and try to show a little more understanding, it may be the pressure you're putting on her is part of the problem.

Also: I hope, in many years time, when your old and infirm, she does the same thing to you in front of the nurses in the home, the home she'll pick...... So be careful...Grin lol

Italiangreyhound · 04/10/2015 18:33

I have not read all the comment. I just want to say you re not a terrible mother and I totally understand why you said it BUT that was an unhelpful thing to do.

I hope your dd will learn but embarrassing her may well not work! However, in your shoes, I would apologise to her. I am not sure if yo uahve said you will as I have not read all comments. I would also say that if does wet her pants in front of friends that will be 100 times more embarrassing for her! Does she realise that?

Good luck (PS are you sure she gets the sensation to go?)

Italiangreyhound · 04/10/2015 18:34

PS typing this and needing the loo!! Adults do it too!!!

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 04/10/2015 18:35

You know you did a bad thing. Every single person on here has also done shitty things.

Sit DD down and talk to her. Apologise for embarrassing her in front of her friends, but explain that you're worried about her physical health, and her ability to manage on the residential and as she gets older in general. Ask her what would make it easier for her. Kids can be lazy and/or distracted, but hobbling home from school and avoiding drinking do sound like there's more to it than that. She may not be able to explain, you may have to ask detailed questions to get it out of her. Would set times to go help? Or something specific about the bathroom/toilet that frightens her?

Starkswillriseagain · 04/10/2015 18:38

I think it was very mean but it does sound like you are at the end of your tether and worried about how she'll cope while away.

Perhaps take her to the GP? It sounds like something else may be going on.

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