Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

224 replies

mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:00

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:40

There are NO underlying issues, I've been back and forth to the doctors for the past 6 years. They are at a loss.
She doesn't wet the bed, she actually gets herself up in the night to go if she needs to.
She won't drink during the day because it makes her need the toilet. Her wee stinks so bad, and it makes her smell, especially when she pees in her knickers because she can't get them down quick enough.
She said herself it's because she 'gets distracted'
I didn't take her to the toilet because she's 10 years old.

No, I can't take back what I said. I can feel really shitty about it though.

OP posts:
reup · 04/10/2015 17:40

I feel your pain my ds has an unresolved poo problem - we've been to hospitals including Great Ormond Street for 7 years and he's seen psychologists, had a zillion tests and is on meds. I think if you haven't been through something like this it's very hard to empathize as to how your whole life revolves around the issue. Sometimes you say or do the wrong thing through frustration!

Sourceofinformation - was there's anything you did that made your son get over it?

bikingintherain · 04/10/2015 17:41

You're not a terrible parent, but you did do something in the heat of the moment that was wrong.

Now is the time to apologise to her. Sit her down and tell that you were wrong to tell her friends. That it was done in the heat of the moment because you are so frustrated by the situation. When you are both calm talk with her about how it's going to be resolved. Use the residential trip as a carrot, if she can get herself sorted by then she can go.

Even if the conversation doesn't solve everything, it speaks volumes when a parent can apologise when they make a mistake and will teach your daughter a valuable lesson in itself.

Booyaka · 04/10/2015 17:42

Yep. Horrible. And regardless of what she is or isn't doing I feel sorry for any child who hears her mother refer to her to other people as 'a lazy little madam'.

Sparkletastic · 04/10/2015 17:42

I can see why you said it - anxiety and annoyance would probably push me to do the same thing. I'd apologise but explain to her why you were so angry and get her suggestions on how you can resolve the problem together.

lunar1 · 04/10/2015 17:43

You are a bully and this may never leave her at school. What you have done means she may be picked on for the rest of her school life.

You need to be calling her away from whatever she is doing every two hours, give her a drink and send her to the toilet. The school needs to do the same. Why did you not intervene sooner?

theycallmemellojello · 04/10/2015 17:43

But op, as pps have pointed out, your dd is willing to undergo greater strain in order to avoid going to the toilet, and therefore cannot be doing it because of lazyness, no matter what any doctor has told you. Has your dd seen a therapist or psychologist? I think that this should be the next step. As well as you approaching the friends and making amends as best you can.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/10/2015 17:44

You've told her friends that she has wet herself, yes nobody is disagreeing with you that it was her own fault, and you must be at the end of your tether, but you child can be cruel enough at times as it is, with being given the ammunition. It's small wonder she's crying in her room. She's probably worried sick about being teased in school.
YABU,

Passmethecrisps · 04/10/2015 17:44

I honestly think that getting distracted to be point hat you will hobble home in pain is an underlying issue.

She obviously can't judge for herself so she needs reminding. Either by using a timer or a person.

Could school help by reminding her to go immediately on the lunch bell? Or before coming back into class after lunch? Holding on must impact on her learning.

Thelushinthepub · 04/10/2015 17:45

She's not a bully, what an awful (and ironically bullish) thing to say

passmethewineplease · 04/10/2015 17:46

I'm not quite sure why you thought to post on AIBU about it? Shock

You were bang out of order, nothing you can say/do can take back the humiliation your daughter feels.

No you shouldn't have to remind a ten year old but if you have to you have to! There's lots of things we shouldn't really need to be nagging at but we do because if not it probably wouldn't get done!

When you keep nagging reminding her it will eventually sink in.

And no matter what don't ever let yourself get that angry that you use humiliation as a tactic. It does not work.

diddl · 04/10/2015 17:46

Poor kid!

You could have just told them she'd be out in a minute!

And if you saw the signs a couple of hrs ago you should have made her go then.

If she gets up in the night is it that she's embarrassed to go at school/when friends are there as they will know that she has used the loo?

Poor kid that she has had UTIs.

theycallmemellojello · 04/10/2015 17:48

Quite apart from the loss of temper in front of the friends, Repeating the words 'lazy', 'lazy little madam' to describe a 10 year old with what appears to be a severe anxiety problem does seem bullying to me.

EponasWildDaughter · 04/10/2015 17:48

Also interested in DDs reaction when you do remind her to go. Does she show genuine 'cant be bothered'ness' or something more?

Another here who thinks maybe the doctor could help a bit more, and that the residential trip might actually resolve this.

InimitableJeeves · 04/10/2015 17:48

Are you absolutely sure she doesn't go at school out of laziness? Some children hold it in at school because they don't like using communal toilets, or because they get so dirty, or because they get bullied in the washrooms.

passmethewineplease · 04/10/2015 17:49

reup our DD is the same. Without sidetracking the thread can I ask what the problem was with your DS?

DD just cannot do a poo on the toilet. I don't know why. I think she's nervous about letting go, or she can't be bothered to sit there long enough to push it out. If she does it in a pull up she can carry on with other things. I don't know.

lazyglazy · 04/10/2015 17:49

You are a bully and this may never leave her at school.
Very unhelpful comment and not true. Hasn't everyone said or done things on the spur of the moment and then regretted it?

Thelushinthepub · 04/10/2015 17:49

OP could you sort this out with her tonight? She might spend all night worrying what will happen at school tomorrow

Gileswithachainsaw · 04/10/2015 17:50

I don't think you are shit. we have all reached a point with something with out children and have acted in regrettable ways. I can't imagine how hard 7 years of this crap has been on you all.

she's off to secondary schopl soon of course she needs to be responsible for taking care of herself and her personal hygiene. as soon as she starts her period she's going to have to change and clean herself regularly. especially if she uses tampons. so of course you are going to stress the point to her became she stands to make herself very ill either with uti or kidney infections or maybe even TSS if she pulls the same stunts with periods too.

I think it's time.to push fir a psychologist as it's possible behavioural now and whatever underlying problem.there is is in her head and needs sorting.

laziness is as much as a possibility as everything else. we all know.kids frequently make more work fir themselves just to point price and that kid logic Is deeply flawed

Sallystyle · 04/10/2015 17:51

Yeah, you messed up and your dd might have to pay for the consequences of that. However, you are human and one bad moment does not define your parenting.

I know while I have not done what you have, I have done other things through 16 years of parenting that I regretted and were pretty shitty. I imagine most of us have.

I really hope your dd doesn't have any comeback from this. I wonder if you can rehearse things to say to the others if it is mentioned in school?

Thanks to you, because parenting can be rough, and you are human.

leghoul · 04/10/2015 17:52

YABU to have done that. That's not necessary and will stay with her forever.
The one time I wet the bed (8) I was fretting in the morning and so embarrassed and ashamed and I tried to make the bed myself. I went to school, and when my mother collected me I realised she had been telling other parents about it and their children overheard. I have never, ever seen why that humiliation was appropriate or necessary at all. It won't help her. What would help her is you treating this as something other than laziness, and just gritting your teeth until it goes away or you have a diagnosis/plan. This is not laziness, but there are a myriad of things it could be. I do understand how odd and annoying it is, really, but it just won't help to tell people. You need to work together and you do need to be having an active role in helping her, which will be more successful if she's not feeling betrayed and humiliated.

Intradental · 04/10/2015 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Didiusfalco · 04/10/2015 17:55

Sounds like you're trying to justify yourself OP, at least accept you were wrong and it was a really unpleasant thing to do. Your daughter will feel that she can not trust you. You can't unsay it, but apologise to you daughter and make sure she knows you will never do it again, that you made a mistake as grown ups do too sometimes.

Nonnainglese · 04/10/2015 17:55

Is it something to do with the toilet itself? Has she accidentally been locked in the toilet or been unable to unlock it?
There has to be a reason beyond 'lazy', it's a psychological problem?

Corygal · 04/10/2015 17:57

DD will honk like the men's loos in Piccadilly Circus if this isn't knocked on the head in the next year or two before puberty kicks in.

She's getting UTIs already, which is not good news. I know you might have been a bit crispy in the heat of the moment, but if I were DD I would rather get a momentary cringe now before I become the target of ridicule/disgust in the near future, and a wrecked bladder before I'm 20.

Use this incident to apologise and talk to her about it - it needs fixing.

Swipe left for the next trending thread