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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

224 replies

mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:00

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 04/10/2015 17:23

I feel your frustration OP. This would drive me to the edge too.

My mum regularly threatened to tell my friends of things if it was due to laziness and whilst she never did (that I can recall - she may well have!) The threat alone was enough to snap me out of my slovenly ways.

Fwiw, I adore my mum and we have a great relationship.

Actually, posting this, I do remember her telling my friends I couldn't come because I'd been crying and being spoilt about something but hats off to her, I was awful sometimes.

flanjabelle · 04/10/2015 17:23

Why did you come into aibu for this? You must have realised the reaction you would get. A better idea would be to ask in a different section for advice as to how to deal with this issue sensitively and effectively.

This wasn't the right thing to do, there must be a better way.

Aibu is not the place for this.

d270r0 · 04/10/2015 17:23

You can get special watches that beep every so often so she knows she has to go at those times, you set the timing yourself. This might help her remember to go regularly then hopefully she'll get into the habit of it. Does she wet the bed?

Passmethecrisps · 04/10/2015 17:23

The residential could certainly be what makes the difference. It also isn't that unusual to have children still struggle right up to secondary school and then BOOM it is rectified.

Children are complex and laziness is rarely a reason for any behaviour on its own.

It is far more likely that she has an issue with going to the loo - toilets at school are typically unpleasant

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 17:23

Oh, and humiliation was a tactic regularly used on me as a child and I still feel the long term effects of it, fucking horrible.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/10/2015 17:24

Maybe the school trip would be a turning point for her - because she will know that she can't hold it for 5 days, and she will have to take responsibility for getting herself to the toilet without anyone reminding her.

TidyDancer · 04/10/2015 17:25

OP why didn't you remind her to go to the toilet when you first noticed she needed it? I fail to see how humiliating her was a better tactic than this. I agree with a pp, you still sound very angry rather than sorry. Frustration aside, that's what's coming over in your posts. Have you apologised to your DD?

Doubting · 04/10/2015 17:25

It's clearly not laziness. It must be quite an ordeal for her to hold it in that long. There must be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

brokenhearted55a · 04/10/2015 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Passmethecrisps · 04/10/2015 17:26

I agree that maybe asking for this to be moved to behaviour might be better. You didn't act out of malice and it sounds like you need actual advice.

ShatnersBassoon · 04/10/2015 17:27

Yes, I was often humiliated as a child/young adult too. I hated my mum for it. I thought she was lazy for going for the easy option instead of trying to work problems out.

theycallmemellojello · 04/10/2015 17:27

Err... people don't just delay going to the toilet to the point where they are desperate, in pain and almost soiling themselves because they are 'lazy'. I'm far from an expert but there are obviously some complex issues at play here, and it sounds like your daughter might benefit from talking them through with a counsellor. And yes, you behaved awfully op. I think you have to contact the friends and explain that you spoke out of anger, not because your dd was about to wet herself. And apologise whole heartedly to your dd, and try to support her through an issue that cannot be more difficult for anyone other than her.

RachelZoe · 04/10/2015 17:29

So the general consensus is I'm a shit parent

Yup. What an absolutely vile thing to do. If she has some psychological issue about using the toilet, this could well make it worse. Have you tried actually getting to the bottom of this from a psychological perspective or do you just repeatedly call her lazy and try and humiliate her into doing things?

DH's mother used to do things like this to him, about one of the same issues actually (he had a real shame thing linked to going to the loo as a child, due to low self esteem and being called lazy and stupid and so on and so forth), he doesn't speak to her anymore shockingly.

DistanceCall · 04/10/2015 17:29

Failing to go to the toilet even though you need to wee is not remotely normal, OP. I agree with the PP who said that she needs to speak to a professional - I would recommend a child psychologist, not a counsellor, though.

goawayalready · 04/10/2015 17:31

my dd was like this the doctor told her off in the end she was making herself ill because of it and i had constant wet knickers because of it she even pissed herself at school said nothing and walked around with pissy trousers all day long she fucking stank there is no way in hell no one knew about it the stench was appalling she didn't have a lot of friends at that school she was unbothered by it although as a 15 year old she is dry but during her periods she turns into a dirty cow she bleeds through her clothing and ignores it and i can see it when she gets home from school she also puts used sanitary wear in her bedroom bin and leaves it to fester

op i understand where you are coming from i would be having strong words with her about this and telling her if she pisses herself on the residential she will be more than teased for it she will be ostracised for it and i would be refusing to pick her up early too

SourceofInformation · 04/10/2015 17:31

I had a poo issue with Ds2 until he was 9yo.

I was regularly at the end of my tether but too embarrassed about it myself to make it public.

I used to console myself by saying that yes, he was behaving badly (he was) but actually, as behavioural problems go it could be much worse and, like everything else I worried about re dc, it did resolve itself in the end

EnglishWeddingGuest · 04/10/2015 17:33

That was a completely awful thing to do - no child is going to grow through humiliation - all you will achieve is to drive a wedge between you and your daughter - to be honest you don't sound very kind

You need to address why she delays going to the bathroom - she's not lazy - that's the easy way out for you - blame the child

Why does she delay going to the bathroom ? Does it hurt? Does she not like getting her hands dirty? Does she have trouble wiping? Are you clothes difficult to adjust? Does the sound of the flush overwhelm her?

You need to understand and from that place of understanding build a solution or strategies for helping her

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/10/2015 17:33

Wouldn't going no telling her to go to the loo, in front of her friends, also risk causing her embarrassment, though?

Not excusing what the OP did, but it sounds to me as if she is way beyond the end of her tether.

Mumtoaninja - how does she react when you do tell her to go to the loo? Is she cross that you have reminded her, or reluctant to go, or is she glad you have reminded her?

DontOpenDeadInside · 04/10/2015 17:33

Does she know she needs it? My friends DD and my dd2 do not realise they need it until the last minute. Had I not known this was a thing due to my friends DD, I would have got really frustrated at dd2. But I understand a bit better, though it's still frustrating.

Yarboosucks · 04/10/2015 17:35

Blimey! Poor OP - you deffo ended up in the wrong place here! I am nearly 5 times the age of your DD and I still put off going to the loo until the last moment! I resent going to the loo and there is always something more interesting to do!

You know that you need to apologise, but if she found that embarrassing, then she needs to think about how much worse it would be to actually pee herself in front of her friends!

IguanaTail · 04/10/2015 17:36

No you're not a shit parent. Everyone makes mistakes and you feel bad. You're at the end of your tether. If the doctor has said its laziness then there are limited ways to deal with it? I think you should apologise. Practically though, I think the residential is out of the question until it's resolved.

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 17:37

All the suggested threats of the awful repercussions that are going to happen if she doesn't make it to the loo when she's at secondary, the residential, in front of her friends, is just going to make her more anxious about going isn't it? And if she isn't anxious already about it then it'll soon set her up nicely.

goawayalready · 04/10/2015 17:38

and no sometimes there really is not a medical reason just bone idle kids who wont go

my daughters excuse was i had another child when she was eight years old and nanny said it was ok to regress and be a bit more babyish because she would be jealous the doctor told her off because a, she did it before i even got pregnant and b, nappy rash in an 8/9 year old would be incredibly painful and c, she had a kidney condition she was aggravating and she could end up having surgery that would be avoided if she would stop peeing herself deliberately and getting infections

she also went on to tell her to stop causing trouble for your poor mother and ignore your grandmother! she was dry in a day

Spartans · 04/10/2015 17:39

Op you aren't a shit parent. You did something and regretted it.

But we have all done that. I would tell her she isn't going on the trip unless this improves.

Thelushinthepub · 04/10/2015 17:39

I'm Shock at the idea that she is so lazy to wee that she won't stop at the loo to empty her bladder but will Hobble home in pain instead. Regularly. And she knows the pain and hobbling is due to not sitting on loo for 30 secs. That doesn't sound lazy, it sounds as though your daughter has a real issue related to the loo.

I mean I'd be incredibly frustrated too but I just don't understand how it's about laziness