Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

224 replies

mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:00

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

OP posts:
SippyDippy · 04/10/2015 21:26

I just logged on to say that I am disgusted at people who attacked the op. I can understand why she did what she did. She even admitted that she feels awful about it but that didnt stop horibke posters from twisting tge knife.

What op did was done because she was frustrated abd ultimately does not want her dd to wet herself on a residential. What the horrible bullies on here did was just to be vile for the sake of being vile.

SippyDippy · 04/10/2015 21:30

Its not just that aibu is horrible, what's worrying is that there are people who are quite happy to hound others and give them a kicking when these people are feeling quite vunerable and low.

Does it make people feel better hurting another human being?

theycallmemellojello · 04/10/2015 21:38

Look the OP explicitly asked whether her tactic of embarrassing her daughter in front of her friends by telling them she had wet herself "might be the wake up call she needs." That IS a shocking question to ask and does suggest that she feels like how she acted was justified (or might be). When people said it wasn't she seemed again to say that she thought it was, that humiliating her DD would be worth it if it spared her from kidney trouble.

I think if she had come on and said, I have done something terrible out of desperation, how can I make amends, she would have got a different reaction, but she came on apparently leaning towards the view that humiliation would be a useful way to help her DD.

Add to that calling the poor girl a "lazy little madam" - ie casting a psychological problem as a character flaw - and it really does come across like the OP does not have a good attitude towards her DD in general, not just in a moment of desperation. I agree that it's important for the forum to be supportive, but not to the extent of telling someone that a shockingly inappropriate manner of dealing with their child is ok.

NoMoreGrimble · 04/10/2015 21:39

Agreed, no need to turn on the OP in this way. I will admit to saying things to my DC that I am not proud of. The perfect parent does not exist. We are all (mostly) doing the best we can.

OP hope you're still reading, you're not a shit mum and certainly no bully. Agree with others that maybe seeing another doctor may help. Wish you all the best.

Marynary · 04/10/2015 21:43

There is clearly some sort of issue for her with going to the toilet. Could it be some sort of anxiety or maybe it hurts when she goes? Your GP sounds really unhelpful. I wonder if it might be worth asking for a referral to a child psychiatrist.

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 21:43

'What the horrible bullies on here did was just to be vile for the sake of being vile.'

That's just not true, and nobody's hounded the OP.

Some things have been a bit OTT, like calling the OP a bully, but maybe the posters saying that had a childhood where they were humiliated and they feel very strongly about it? It can crush you when someone deliberately shames you in front of other people like that, and if they do it too many times it does feel as though you're being bullied.

It makes me want to stick up for the DD when the OP's calling her a lazy little madam and is taking her frustrations out on her by potentially damaging her friendships.

Passmethecrisps · 04/10/2015 21:43

The fact is none of us have any clue who is vulnerable or who is being an arse. In real life most of us would take a middle ground approach. What I find astounding is how quick people are to stick the boot in without any measure or care.

Ask some questions, find out the story. Like you would in actual conversation in real life.

This thread is the perfect example of why AIBU is such a crock of shit. Life is not black and white like that and we know it normally. No one ever asks the question in day to day so why do we here?

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 21:58

I totally agree crap, I have smacked a few times(no any more),I have never posted in here, because the vitriol I woukd get would tip me over the edge. I rarely do an op because if this, if I do it's very banal. It's like shark infested waters on here sometimes.

GoodnightDarthVader · 04/10/2015 21:59

OP, just chipping in here to say that I went through this around that age, and wet myself about half a dozen times. It was also because I couldn't 'be bothered' to leave my friends and go to the loo at school. I was afraid my friends would find out so I made myself go.

You were at the end of your tether, you aren't a bad mum.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/10/2015 22:19

Oh come on, "Am I being unreasonable to embarass my DD in front of her mates?"

Er yes you are.

Oh no, you are all so horrid to say I am a bad parent, this is my last post on Mumsnet.Hmm

Really.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 22:24

tinkly enough now!

grumpysquash · 04/10/2015 22:30

OP, are you still there?

I had lots of UTIs in childhood - I don't think I withheld going to the toilet - and didn't wet myself, but I do remember the burning sensation on going to the toilet.

In adulthood I had an episode of 'sterile urethritis' - it feels like cystitis in the sense that your bladder feels sensitive and bloated and you constantly feel like you need to wee (even when you've just been; in fact it feels even worse when your bladder is empty), so I would end up managing it by going to the loo every so often (e.g. every 3 hours) and trying to drink plenty in between.

This lasted for 3 years, then gradually got better. 8 years on, I have the occasional bad day, but am mostly ok. But there was nothing I could do to make it better. It wasn't an infection. But it still hurt all the time, every day. And this might seem odd, but the worse it felt, the more I didn't feel like drinking (although I made myself; but sometimes it seemed like a mission to get through a 500ml bottle of water)

Could it be possible that your DD has something like that, and has just learned to cope by avoiding weeing??? And because she doesn't remember anything different, that's just the way it is for her???

BlackeyedSusan · 04/10/2015 22:37

if she is suffering urgency there are things that can be done.

have you been referred to the eneuresis clinic?

is she hypermobile by any chance? urinary incontinence and urgency are associated with this condition

does she have other sensory issues that may explain why she can not feel she needs to go?

have you looked at the eric website for information and advice?

why are you not managing her need to go to the toilet. you would do it for any other physical condition. what you did to her is horrendous. no wonder she is crying in the bathroom.

OctoberCupcake · 04/10/2015 22:46

If you're reading this OP, FWIW yes your DD might be a bit embarrassed if her friends decide to tease her, but it's not the end of the damned world as some as suggesting, and nor are you a bully!!

I had a similar issue when I was a bit younger than your daughter, and yes it was just downright laziness. I ended up in a&e in the middle of the night having an emergency enema before my bowel ruptured. now THAT was humiliating - a bit of playground teasing that brought me to my senses would have been much easier to get over.

Hoping that you're ok & haven't taken too much of this nonsense to heart. Nobody can claim perfection x

Doublebubblebubble · 04/10/2015 22:53

I think you were a bit u and I don't agree with how you dealt with the situation however I do kind of feel your pain...
But, what would have happened if she hadn't of made it and wet herself in front of her friends - would that not have been equally humiliating or worse?

Has she had "wet accidents" at school or is she just withholding at home. Perhaps she feeling anxious about going because you are so anxious about it. Has she ever had a particularly bad uti that is still weighing on her mind? Or is she just a child who has a f.o.m.o , when around her friends etc??

If I were you id sit her down and explain that you didn't mean to say what you said but that she really needs to start being a little bit more independent and that she shouldn't have to be told to go to the toilet. If you haven't had the period talk with her yet (I would) perhaps jt would be a good idea to start mentioning about it and leaking etc...

Doublebubblebubble · 04/10/2015 22:57

Ooops xpost x

Lurkedforever1 · 04/10/2015 23:06

Agree with theycall and tinkly. I was insulted most of my childhood, and a captive victim for every spiteful outburst, so I wasn't even shocked or suprised by it by the time I was 10, I didn't know anything else so it wasn't even as hurtful to me as it would be to ops dd. It still hurt like fuck when age 11 it was untruthfully announced to a single friend I wet the bed. So how it must feel when you aren't used to dealing with that treatment and it's based on truth and shared with a group I wouldn't like to think. Op isn't upset because she's hurt and betrayed the trust of her child, op appears to be upset because everyone isn't agreeing with her. So regardless of how many flock to the pity party to support poor op I won't be buying it.

Maisy313 · 04/10/2015 23:13

I'm sorry but I think this is absolutely unforgivable. Total humiliation in from of her friends is not something she will ever forgive or forget. It would have been less abusive if you had hit her.

Maisy313 · 04/10/2015 23:15

Actually I'm not sorry. I've never written a negative post on mumsnet before but I really do think your behaviour was vile in the very worst way.

Fatmomma99 · 04/10/2015 23:22

This is an indicator of sexual abuse.

And an YABU from me - you should be giving her tips to survive the residential, and talking to the supervising staff about how they can support her. Not humiliating a 10 year old.

manicinsomniac · 04/10/2015 23:22

The OP did not 'totally humiliate' her daughter. She didn't tell the friends that her DD had wet herself. She said she almost did. Children say that to each other and to teachers/adults all the time. So do adults. It's not much worse than 'I'm absolutely bursting for a pee'.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/10/2015 23:26

There are some very good suggestions and advice on this thread for the OP, who may well have got to the overwhelmed state where she can't see the wood for the trees.

But she needs to man up a bit, and take the criticism on the chin. It's not really her having the horrid time, it's her DD.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 23:29

Glad op has checked out, it gets nastier and nastier. Op has apologised to her dd. If op actions have helped her dd recognise that she gas to go o the toilet, it is better than something serious, as a result of dd holding it in.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 23:31

Dd is old enough really, I woukd be talking to her about the health implications of holding g her wee. Op sounds desparate and at the end of her rope, this has being going in for years.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 04/10/2015 23:33

Love the 'should have made her go' comments Hmm

How exactly is one supposed to 'make' a ten year old go?!

OP, I think you've beat yourself up about it enough. There are some good suggestions here. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread