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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have embarrassed DD in front on friends?

224 replies

mumtoaninja · 04/10/2015 17:00

Hate myself for what I just did but at the end of my tether with DD right now...

Basically, she's always been a lazy little madam, esp when it comes to going to the toilet. She leaves it until literally the last second or until DH or I tell her to go and only just makes it, and 9 times out of 10 will piss her pants en route to toilet. She's 10 and I've had enough it now.

Her friends have just been round, playing upstairs. I could see she needed the toilet a couple of hours ago cos she kept sitting down on the ground (tell tale sign). Friends went back outside the front to play and DD comes racing through the kitchen, barely able to stand cos she's milliseconds away from full on pissing herself. (She's not been since 7:15am!!)
I go batshit and when friends knock back on door for her, I tell them she's not allowed back out cos she nearly wet herself/lazy madam etc.
DD is now in floods of tears in the bedroom.

The thing is, she's meant to be going on a 5 day school residential in a couple of months which I'm seriously reconsidering. She just CANNOT be trusted to take herself to the toilet when she needs to! I've been down the medical route time and time again after she's given herself uti's. Even the doctor said its just laziness on her part.
I feel awful for embarrassing her, but really hoping this might be the wake up call she needs! Am I a terrible mother??

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 23:37

I would rather do what op has done, if that is enough to make he realise that she has to use the toilet, than to suffer a kidney infection, mabey kidney failure and dialysis.

crystalgall · 04/10/2015 23:38

I think people need to disengage their own childhood experiences from OP's actions. What she did is nothing like a poster talking about years of insults and lies from parents or another about constantly being humiliated by their parent.

That's not what happened here. Stop taking out your anger at your shitty childhood on the OP.

I can totally understand how a normal fallible human being might have been frustrated enough to lash out and say the wrong thing. And be able to feel bad but also still angry and frustrated by the situation. Not every bring is so black and white.

And being called 'lazy' is not psychological damage. Honestly.

AgentZigzag · 04/10/2015 23:39

'If op actions have helped her dd recognise that she gas to go o the toilet, it is better than something serious, as a result of dd holding it in.'

If the ends justify the means the OP may as well just start giving her DD a slap every time she holds it in for too long.

But that wouldn't be considered a fair tactic for helping her discover a good technique to get herself to the loo a regular intervals.

The OP's treated her DD's problem in the same way bed wetting used to be treated in the past, it didn't work then and it won't work now.

crystalgall · 04/10/2015 23:40

Like seriously 'lazy little madam' is now worthy of being seen as a disturbing statement?? Give over!

We all call our kids something or other when they do something annoying. DS can be an entitled brat sometimes. Am I a shit parent too? Hmm

Mrsfrumble · 04/10/2015 23:59

I think people need to disengage their own childhood experiences from OP's actions. What she did is nothing like a poster talking about years of insults and lies from parents or another about constantly being humiliated by their parent.

^^ This. Stop projecting people!

"Lazy little madam" is exactly the sort of thing that my mum would have called me in front of my friends. In fact, she probably did, and then my friends and I would go out and play and roll our eyes at my mum. Secure in the knowledge that my mum loved me but was human and lost her temper sometimes.

AgentZigzag · 05/10/2015 00:15

You say 'Stop projecting people!' Mrsf, just before you go on to say about your relationship with your own Mum?! Grin

If you take people's personal experiences out of MN, there is no MN.

Mermaidhair · 05/10/2015 00:59

I'm sorry Op that you have been called some awful things. It is completely uncalled for. You are not a bad mother. None of us are perfect, I'm sure if we went over others parenting that were name calling we would find some very imperfect parenting! Just ignore those posters. I hope things are sorted for you and your dd soonFlowers

CassieBearRawr · 05/10/2015 01:27

Jesus christ what kind of crack are you lot on tonight? Hmm

Mrsfrumble · 05/10/2015 01:58

Fair enough Agent Grin

I properly pissed on my own chips there, didn't I?

Okay, project away. Let's just make sure we have people projecting on both sides of the arguement!

Scoobydoo8 · 05/10/2015 03:01

I think it's teenage bullies or the equivalent we have on some of these threads. I often find the 'debate' sounds like a schoolground squabble. So imo the age of many posters is too young with too little life experience (except the playground) to give sensible advice, they just want to sound 'grown up' and to lecture/hurt others.

rainbowstardrops · 05/10/2015 03:44

Jeez, MN at its 'best'.
It's not ok for the poor OP to call her DD 'A lazy little madam' but it is ok for some people on here to call her a BULLY and a shit parent?!!! Really?
I don't suppose the OP will now be able to read this but I for one don't make out that I'm a perfect parent and I certainly don't think you're a bully or a shit parent. You are a parent that is understandably at the end of your tether.
Agreed, AIBU maybe wasn't the best place to post but how was you to know it would be crawling with vultures today?
Some people Angry

TheNewStatesman · 05/10/2015 03:45

OP, is your daughter really, really into iPad/computer games/whatever?

I am just wondering if there is some concrete factor that is leading to her endlessly delaying going to the toilet.

Sansoora · 05/10/2015 04:50

Quite apart from the loss of temper in front of the friends, Repeating the words 'lazy', 'lazy little madam' to describe a 10 year old with what appears to be a severe anxiety problem does seem bullying to me.

The language being used by some of the posters here including the OP is beyond the pale and I find it really distressing. The constant talk of 'piss' and pissing herself, is awful. Also the 15 year old girl described as a dirty cow a few pages ago when its obvious something is amiss if she is doing what her mum us claiming she does.

I totally get people being angry but the disrespect is atrocious.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2015 07:23

sansoora op is venting on here. She has had years of this, probably tried everything, is really worn out by it all. She gas said she feels awful ready, before you vultures start laying into her fgs!

Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2015 07:34

From the sounds of it, she probably is lazy. Some on here have experienced the same as op dd, but they admitted that they couk dent be bothered to go, or did not want to leave their friends.

Sansoora · 05/10/2015 08:14

sansoora op is venting on here. She has had years of this, probably tried everything, is really worn out by it all. She gas said she feels awful ready, before you vultures start laying into her fgs!

Do you feel better for that dear?

Did you miss the bit where I said I understood the anger?

Would it really be so difficult to say my daughter wee's deliberately or wets herself?

The way its being described is awful.

I had years of having to clean my Sons poo off the walls and he was about 10 before he was clean and dry. I can recall having to scrape the poo from under my nails and being in total despair but at no time did I ever disrespect him by telling family I had to wipe shit off the walls or scrape it from under my nails.

People can be in despair but still leave another person with dignity and language goes a long way towards that.

WhoAteMyToast · 05/10/2015 08:16

This sounds psychological to me - not normal for a ten year old. Horrible to humiliate her - maybe this sort of thing is at the route of the problem?

crystalgall · 05/10/2015 08:31

What's wrong with the word 'piss'? Because it's more vulgar than 'wee'? Is frustration more understandable with more gentle language? It doesn't change what OP did or feels so I'm not sure how helpful it is to jump on language choices. Some people talk differently/phrase things differently. Doesn't make them any better/less than others. I don't use the word 'Piss' to
Talk about going
To the toilet but is it really horrendous if others do? Distressing??

Aeroflotgirl · 05/10/2015 08:55

sanoora everyone is different, she admits she was bad and apologised to her dd, what do you want her to do, best herself. Draw a line under it and move on!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/10/2015 09:04

Wow, from some of the posts here I'm going to assume that I'm in the company of the most perfect parents ever. What you did was wrong op, you know that. However the reactions here are awful. You acted the way you did due to years of built up frustration, it happens to the best of us. Keep pushing the Doctor for a referral, your daughter's toilet behaviour is not normal. Don't beat yourself up over what happened. You apologised to your daughter and she is fine. Some people on here need to stop with the arm chair psychology and stop shrieking that children will be scarred for life, because of a momentary blip by a parent. I say that as someone with a degree in psychology.

Verypissedoffwife · 05/10/2015 09:07

I hope you do come back or are at least still reading.

I used to hold off going to the toilet when I was younger. It was because I had a lot of utis so I never knew if it would hurt or not. You mentioned that your daughter also suffers with utis so I wonder if that's why she's avoiding going to the toilet?

absolutelynotfabulous · 05/10/2015 09:07

I think the OP is getting a hard time. The dd is 10, ffs. I can understand why the OP is at the end of her tether. The child should be perfectly capable of taking herself to the toilet.

Maybe this incident will finally wake her up. If not, then I think I'd seek a second opinion from a GP-maybe it's more complex than simple laziness.

Good luck, OPFlowers

Sansoora · 05/10/2015 09:07

sanoora everyone is different, she admits she was bad and apologised to her dd, what do you want her to do, best herself. Draw a line under it and move on!

You seem a tad confused about how the board works.

You addressed me in a post so I replied to you.

Or was I supposed to read your post to me and say nothing?

Perhaps you could now draw a line underneath things now and move on.

Bigoldsupermoon0 · 05/10/2015 09:09

[Not RTFT; just responding to OP]

OP, you do sound like you're at the end of your tether - I know how soul-destroying doing something to no effect can be when you have to do it numerous times a day, every day. I sympathise - genuinely - I can't count the times I've sat and literally wept bc of a (somewhat comparable) situation with my DC.

That said, telling your DD's friends was VU - you're her mum. You're the one who's supposed to protect her and look after her, not humiliate her. I'd suggest taking your DD to the GP to make sure there's nothing underlying the bladder shyness.

I hope things improve for you both.

SeaMagic · 05/10/2015 09:28

Sorry OP but I think you are a bit of a hypocrite.

You can dish it out to your DD, calling her a lazy little madam and humiliating her in front of her friends.

But a couple of anonymous strangers on the internet think you're being a bit of a bully and shit as a parent and you break down?

Oh and decide to flounce, even though it was you who chose to post on AIBU rather than in another section where you might have expected helpful support for your daughter's continence issues.

It's not all about you OP Hmm